


Breakthrough

by shimmer_writer



Series: Shae Anderson X Erik Killmonger [2]
Category: Black Panther (2018), Black Panther (Comics), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe - MCU, Character Development, Erik Killmonger Lives, F/M, Part of Series, Redeemed!Erik, Write it My Way
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-15
Updated: 2018-08-15
Packaged: 2019-06-27 16:24:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 26
Words: 136,213
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15689070
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shimmer_writer/pseuds/shimmer_writer
Summary: This is Part II of the Shae Anderson Series. It follows after Part I, which is titled Breaking Boundaries and Breaking Walls. I recommend you read that story before this one. Shae Anderson explores her relationship with Erik "Killmonger" Stevens and learns more about herself in the process.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello all! 
> 
> This is Breakthrough, the second Part to my Shae Anderson series. I know it seems like it's been a while, but this is the whole part and not just chapters at a time. I like to take the time to write out the whole story, so I can determine what plot points I like, what works and what doesn’t and just develop the story as it comes to me. It means that the update is a lot longer, but the payoff is that you get the whole series at once! I wanted to post Part II before school started (literally made my deadline by a week) and I knew I would definitely be slowing down over time. I still have a whole arc for my characters and if it looks like I’m MIA for a while, that just means I’m working behind the scenes. 
> 
> Part III for Shae likely won’t be out until I finish Part I of my T’Challa series, as the stories are beginning to tie in together. I’m also considering a M’Baku series too. I also have a Thor series planned out as well, and there is a Captain America, and Spider-Man too. I really enjoy the MCU and hope to practice my writing skills by making more complex plots and tying pieces together. 
> 
> Long story short, I hope Part II ties you all over for a few months. And make sure to read my T’Challa series too (when I eventually post it)! 
> 
> I want to say thank you to all of you who have supported my work, messaged me about my work and have encouraged me to keep writing with your lovely and wonderful comments and reblogs. It really keeps me going that even though I’m not always active as much as other authors, you are still eager to read my work. Especially, because I worry that maybe the interest has died down. So it’s really all of you that keep me going and give me that drive to develop and write out more black female characters in the MCU and continue to express myself as an author so that readers can see themselves in their fandoms. 
> 
> Warnings: This story is explicit with language, explicit sexual situations and violence. Age 18+ - you have been warned. Chapters with (*) are smut chapters for pre-warning. 
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own any Marvel Characters of the BP fandom. All original characters, including Shae Anderson and cannot be used without my permission.

“I would like to formally welcome you all to the Third Annual Wakandan Outreach Summer Celebration!” 

My words were met with cheers and whoops from the crowd and I smiled. I stood on the platform stage, with my hands lightly braced on the podium. I waved to a few of the kids who were eagerly trying to get my attention. 

“Normally, King T’Challa would be giving this speech, but he’s attending to other matters. He sends his regards to all of you and wanted us to let you know that he is truly grateful that you all have, once again, invested your time, energy and passion into making this Center a success.” 

A light round of applause came with that announcement and I paused before continuing. 

“All the counselors pulled straws for the speech and I lost,” I said to a chorus of laughter. “But it’s fine, as I’m the newest one it was likely my turn to give a speech anyway.” 

The team that had planned this event had been insightful when they had decided to host the event during the cooler part of the day. It was always warm and sunny, but the heavy heat had subsided by now. 

I was glad I had chosen my light blue summer dress and white wedges as my outfit. It was simple but cute and I didn’t feel overheated wearing it. My braids were neatly wrapped onto a bun on the top of my head and I could feel a small line of sweat on the back of my neck. 

“For those of you who don’t know me, my name is Shaeya Anderson, but everyone calls me…”

“Yo Miss Shae!” 

“Miss Shae!” 

The kids that interrupted were quickly shushed, but a few people laughed as they quieted down. I found myself smiling too, touched by their enthusiasm. I was the newest counselor at the Center, but I felt I had fit in well. 

“Yes, everyone calls me Miss Shae. I’m supposed to give a formal speech,” I said and waved the notecards I had brought on stage with me, “but I'm always telling the kids to be themselves, so I'm going to try and keep this short and sweet, because I can see some of you eying the buffet line and far be it from me to keep people from good food.” 

Some more laughter and I paused again before continuing. 

“I began working here a year ago as one of the counselors for the kids that participated in programs here. Part of our jobs means that we can be someone your child can come to when they want to vent or relax or have a place to escape. We also work as career counselors where we help guide them when it comes for figuring out their future.” 

During the year, I settled into my role at the Wakandan Outreach Center and had developed relationships with the kids there and made new friends. It was hard work sometimes, but like they say, if you love what you do, you’re willing to put up with the harder days. 

“But some of you may know me through my role as the coordinator of the Arts Program that we started five months ago.” 

Some of the kids let out enthusiastic whoops to that and I laughed lightly. It was my first leadership role at the Center and I was ecstatic that it was going so well. 

“Yes, that program has been very popular and we are so happy that many of you are enjoying them. It was actually Malik, one of our older kids, who inspired us to start the program.”

At the mention of his name, the group around Malik began laughing and nudging him, while he just shrugged and smirked up at me. 

Malik reminded me a lot of what Erik must have been like when he was younger. Malik was also smart and stubborn and had only shown up to his sessions after I had been working for three months. Even then, it became obvious he had no intention of sharing anything with me, but just merely to check me out and see what I was about. He had tried flirting with me a few times, but Erik had shut that down quickly. 

“My inspiration came from the idea that there is a lack of expression in schools today. I’ll try not to go off on a tangent when I explain this…”

Some of the kids snickered, but I ignored them, even as I kept grinning. I had a reputation of going on long speeches when I was passionate about something, something many of them had learned quickly.

“When I say lack of expression, I mean that a lot of children are growing up without the tools to properly expressive themselves, something that is often done through a creative outlet. All over the country, arts programs are being cut and art schools are being shut down. The reasoning behind these closing and cuts is that there is a belief that being creative isn’t a valuable skill that can easily translate into a good job or good income.”

A few murmurs from the crowd made me pause briefly. I knew this was a touchy subject for some parents, a few who weren’t too happy that their children were focusing more on the arts than schooling. 

“And that is just a consequence about how our society views creativity and expression in the first place. I’m not going to go into the deep history of why that is, but all I want to do is to point out this. How many times have you listened to a song or watched a movie and felt something stir in you? How many times have the words of a song touched a deep part of you that resonates every time you hear it, no matter how many times?” 

I was waving one hand as I spoke, and I could feel that drive in me again, the one that let the words flow easily. I was normally very nervous about speaking in front of people, especially a crowd this size, but when I was on a roll….

“Especially in our community, we all know how powerful creative expression can be. We should all understand that it’s how our people have endured, have grown, have created spaces for ourselves in a society that told us we are not wanted. There’s a reason our art is so popular around the world, because at its core, we have found a way to connect to the soul with our pain and suffering, but also with our drive and passion.” 

A few people made noises of agreement and nodded. 

“And when we limit our children from those opportunities, limit them from expressing themselves through mediums that we have long used, then we are stifling their voices. Whether its rap, dancing, painting, theatre, or whatever form a child connects to, we have to give them the resources to do that.” 

I was relieved to see that I had still kept people’s interest. Even when some of the younger children began fussing, they were quickly quieted. 

“When Wakanda revealed their true nature to the world, I’m sure many of you did not expect their resources and wealth to reach your community. For so long, many communities have been ignored and written off as not worth helping and this has caused long standing consequences.”

Only a few people knew the real reason why T’Challa had chosen Oakland to start Wakanda’s Outreach Programs. Many applauded the King on the work in Oakland and praised the impact it was having on the community. But there were other voices, voices that held resent and spoke hateful comments, jealous of the success and achievements that this once forgotten community was now making. 

To them, they couldn’t understand what the point was of helping people here. What was there to gain for focusing these vast amounts of resources here? Wasn’t it a waste, for surely if these people could have escaped this area, they would have anyway? What made them special? And who did this foreign King think he was, coming to our country, developing these programs and giving these resources for people who “didn’t deserve “them? 

T’Challa always responded with a cool and calm composure that was admirable to see. Even though you could hear the underlying steel in his voice, the only indication of his impatience with having to respond to such ignorance and hateful spite, he never lost his temper and never rose to the bait. Some of his responses had left commentators speechless and a few of the clips blew up on social media, with people commentating that the King of Wakanda “doesn’t play.” 

Erik determined that his responses were adequate, and I had only been relieved that Erik didn’t do interviews. Good Lord, there be no telling what would happen and T’Challa would likely have to do damage control. T’Challa may not play, but Erik? Oh, Erik would destroy you and every person who was there. Pop off with ignorant bullshit, as slight as it may be, and he’d come for you. 

“But the fact remains that Oakland is the location of the first Wakandan Outreach Centers and with that comes both opportunities and responsibilities. The decisions for how to let the Centers grow has been shaped by the input and the guidance of the King’s cousin, Prince N’Jadaka, or as many of you know him, ‘E’.” 

The mention of Erik caused a loud wave of whoops and applause and I had to wait for the crowd to quiet down. 

Erik had a reputation here and his popularity was something I was still getting used to. He had played a huge part in shaping the programs at the Centers and had pushed T’Challa to include local people in those decisions, reminding him that the people knew what they need to help themselves. 

“And as the programs have continued to grow, we have a responsibility to utilize these resources and opportunities to continue shaping this community and improving our own lives. The STEM Programs that are headed by Princess Shuri…”

Some more applause and she gave a light wave and nodded at me to continue.

“Are valuable resources for helping grow and supplement your children’s education. Funding is limited in the public-school system…” 

Some more murmurs, this time of disgruntled agreement from a few of the parents.

“But with the courses that are offered through these programs, many of you have seen improvements in your children’s grades. This is just one step in reminding them that they have the capability and the intellect to achieve anything they set their minds to. And with that encouragement, we must also remind them that to continue to grow, to continue to expand themselves and what they are capable of, they must have the opportunity to express themselves through creative outlets.” 

I was derailing and decided I needed to wrap up to my point. I knew they were still listening, but I had learned quickly that there was only a certain window of time that people were willing to actively listen. 

“So, to wrap up, that is why I requested that we start the Arts Program. Through this program we established the audio recording program where the kids can work with studio equipment as they make their own tracks, the dance program where they can learn a range of dancing styles from modern to ballet. We also finished the repurposing of the old warehouse on 35th Street into the local Community Theatre, with the dedicated guidance of co-coordinator of the Arts Program, Courtney Arrington…” 

A wave of applause and Courtney grinned up at me from the crowd. Courtney’s energy and drive, combined with my dedication and passion, made us a pretty good team as the coordinators for the Arts Program. I also appreciated that she was able to help ease my workload, without taking over projects that I had invested a lot of time in.

I had been used to working on my own and had been wary that Courtney would try to run over me. It had been a pleasant surprise to see that she was willing to let me take the lead on a project and could handle things herself without me looking over her shoulder. 

“My last note and then I’m done. We are offering paid internships for positions in the arts program, mostly working as student leads and teachers. Some of you have already signed up for this, but if you’re interested, just come find me or Courtney.”

I waved towards her and she gave me a thumbs-up.

“Also, if you’re interested in the summer programs, you still have time to sign up. Those forms are available and you can just ask any one of us and we also have them in the reception area in the Social Outreach Center building. Once again, as always, there are no fees for these programs and we serve breakfast, lunch and dinner. We just need to keep count of all who are attending so we can make sure we return your kids to you at the end of the day. We love them, but unfortunately, we can’t keep them.” 

That comment caused some laughter and I made a grand gesture. 

“Ok, now, I’m done! That wasn’t too long was it?” I asked the older groups of kids who had been lounging near the remodeled basketball court. 

Malik made a ‘so-so’ gesture with his hand and a few of the kids burst into laughter. I rolled my eyes at them and shook my head, laughing lightly. 

“Well, in any case, once again, welcome! We hope you enjoy the music, games and food. I heard that we have a few seasonal dishes that were prepared from the Wakandan cuisine, so if you want to try some new and delicious food, I encourage you to try some! I think they plan to do some fireworks later tonight, so if you’re not too tired, stick around to check that out too! “

______________________________

“I just wanted to personally thank you for everything ya’ll been doing up here,” Ms. Lockey said. “Truly, ya’ll are a blessing.” 

The celebration was in full swing now, the air filled with laughter, music and the smells of good food. A few people had approached me after my speech to shake my hand, or to thank me for my work at the Center. It was humbling to see some parents, parents who admitted that I seemed to know their kids better than they did, express their gratitude for how much I’ve helped them. 

I didn’t do my job for praise or recognition, but it touched my heart to see that what I was doing was having an impact. I had seen enough tears and heard enough fears in my office that I had developed a special attachment to the kids who had become regulars for me. 

Ms. Lockey was Malik’s mother and she was one of the few parents who I had gotten to know over the year. Malik’s father had been abusive but had been largely absent for a while. When Malik started working at the Outreach Center, it seemed his father had shown up again, having heard about his son’s achievements. 

When he started taking the cash Malik earned, it had been my suggestion to setup a bank account for Malik so he could just direct deposit. It wasn’t the best idea, but it could be used to put his father off for a while and still get his money. Malik’s mother held on to his debit card, as his father had a routine of showing up on the same day every week, looking for money. With his mother at work, Malik had a valid reason for saying he didn’t have money on him. But that strategy could only work so long. 

When Ms. Lockey approached me with Roland, Malik’s younger brother, on her hip she had tugged me into a hug, bypassing the hand I had extended out to shake with her. 

“Thank you, Ms. Lockey. But it’s really you and these kids that make this work. If you didn’t take a chance on the Center, well then…” 

I shrugged, and she smiled at me. I felt a pair of skinny arms wrap around my waist and I glanced down to see Elle, Malik’s younger sister, hugging me. I laughed gently and patted her head, fluffing out one of the puffs on her head.

“Hey sweetie,” I said and she smiled widely at me. “Having fun?

“Uh huh,” she said and glanced over at her mother. “Mama, can I go on the bounce house?” 

“They have people watching ya’ll over there?” Ms. Lockey asked and shifted her son to her other hip. He was currently drinking from a juice box, his gaze intent as he looked at me. I smiled and winked at him and he gave a small giggle. 

“Yes, mama,” Elle said, still leaning against me.

“That’s fine then. Don’t be getting too wild and hurting yourself,” she said and sighed when her daughter took off without a backwards glance.

“These kids today,” she muttered, and I saw her gaze sweeping across the crowd. She returned her gaze to me with a small frown. 

“I wanted to thank Mr. Stevens as well,” Ms. Lockey said. “I know how much those boys look up to him. Malik’s always going on and on about ‘E did this’ or ‘E showed us how to do that’. And trust me, it takes a lot to impress that boy.” 

“I think it’s fine if you call him Erik,” I told her, “and he’s with King T’Challa on a business trip.”

At least, that’s what I was supposed to say. Whatever actual mission they were on, I didn’t have the classified details, but I knew that it as a bit more direct than business. And Erik had been gone. For two whole months. But I wasn’t mad. Nope. It was his job and he was good at it and if he had to ‘go dark’ and couldn’t talk to me, well that was just peachy. 

Ms. Lockey raised her brows and I wondered if she had picked up on my tone.

“That’s right, you said he was called…” she started and inclined her head at me. 

“Prince N’Jadaka,” I finished, and she nodded. “He’s the only son of King T’Challa’s uncle, Prince N’Jobu.” 

Ms. Lockey hummed, studying me. 

“That’s something, ain’t it? We up here talking to African royalty,” she mused and smiled. “And what’s it like dating a Prince?” 

My eyes widened, and I felt my face warm. Ms. Lockey chuckled at my expression. 

“I'm sorry, I thought you knew that everyone knew. I mean, I heard it from Malik and then a few girls at my hair salon…” 

I stared at her, mortified. Was everyone talking about my relationship with Erik? I wasn’t ashamed of my relationship, but it was the gossip that made me feel awkward. 

Ms. Lockey laughed again and waved a hand at me. 

“Oh, hon, don’t be embarrassed. I think it’s sweet. You know people love gossiping. And once those kids figured it out, it’s only a matter of time….” 

“Right,” I muttered and sighed internally. Freaking kids not knowing how to keep their mouths shut…. 

___________

“So, if you were to give an estimate, you’d say they’d be back in what? Two more weeks?” 

Ayo raised a brow at me and seemed amused by my attempt to ask the question casually. 

I had been fascinated by the fact that the Wakandan Royal family was protected by an elite all female guard. I had pulled up my courage when I gotten a chance to approach one of the Dora Milaje when there hadn’t been anything going on and Ayo had been the first one I had tried talking to. 

I had met Ayo a few times before in passing and while she was always attentive to her surroundings, she never turned me away when I hesitantly asked her a question and always answered, even if briefly. That was enough to make me like her in my book. 

So, I had figured that asking the Dora I would get the most direct answer. 

“The King and Prince will return when their mission is complete,” Ayo replied simply.

“Right, but when would you estimate that to be?” I asked, and Ayo’s lips twitched.

Shuri and Nakia spared me an amused glance and I gave them a frustrated look.

I didn’t think it was that hard of a question. 

We were sitting at one of the many tables that were setup on the lots and the event was slowly winding down. There were still quite a few people in attendance and some were sitting closer to the stage, eating and chatting as they listened to the jazz ensemble that was performing. 

Kids were split between playing at some of the booths that hadn’t been broken down yet or watching the older kids play on the basketball court. The younger group had moved into the center to watch a movie and I knew that if I walked in, some of them would likely be dozing, lulled to sleep by full bellies. 

I’d say today was a huge success, if the laughter and smiles were anything to go by. 

“N’Jadaka was right,” Shuri said suddenly, her gaze returning to the basketball game. One of the kids got his shot in the hoop and the court erupted into cheers and heckles. “You worry too much.” 

I pursed my lips at her and dipped a spoon into my cup of strawberry-flavored shaved ice. The ice melted on my tongue and was an effective way to keep cool. 

“I’m sorry,” I said sarcastically, “but it just sounds really dangerous when he says he’s ‘going dark’. I mean, I know he told me not to worry, but it’ totally unrealistic to assume that…” 

“It is not as dangerous as you think,” Nakia interrupted me gently, “it merely means that their contact is limited. Often, it just means that channels are being monitored and they must closely survey what is being sent out. It’s more for information security than it is for physical danger.” 

I let out breath and dug my spoon into the ice again. It scraped lightly along the hardened icicles and I nudged it around lightly. 

“And besides, he’s with my brother,” Shuri said, sparing me another glance. “They know what they’re doing.” 

I spared a glance at Ayo and she nodded. 

Right. Of course. I was just being needy.

I had learned something very quickly about Erik when we moved in together.

Erik is restless. I can see it in his eyes sometimes. He doesn’t like being held down or in one spot too long. He always had to be doing something or going somewhere. It made sense, given that most of his life had been pushed by an unshakeable drive to achieve things that many would think it was impossible.

And now, he had to find a way to direct that drive to something else. He needed a goal to focus on, to put all that energy towards.

That’s why his role as Prince of Wakanda was actually quite perfect for him. 

Ever since Wakanda’s true nature was revealed to the rest of the world, there had been a shift in the international landscape. Many countries came forward, eager to negotiate trade for access to Wakanda’s wealth. They quickly learned that while Wakanda had revealed who they were to the world, that did not mean they would be easily swayed by the greed and demands of others. 

Wakanda’s resources were limited to the aid they could provide to other communities and countries that needed it. Relief aid programs or centers like the one in Oakland were the extent to which Wakanda was currently willing to give resources and time to.   
They were not there to help line the pockets of diplomats or states that already exploited the resources of their people or others. So, when it became apparent that negotiations became limited to helping the less fortunate, some took less…. diplomatic means in their attempts to get what they wanted. 

T’Challa was very strategic. I had noticed this about him in the few talks I had listened in on and the heated arguments that he and Erik sometimes got into. 

Sure, the King was well educated and had wonderful skills of negotiation and diplomacy, but he seemed to be aware of the privilege of his station. He was aware of where his knowledge on the outside world was limited and knew how to utilize what resources he had to best protect his country. More often, that meant relying on the people around him to aid him as a ruler. 

T’Challa knew how to take counsel and one of his main advisors was Erik. Erik brought to his attention things that’d he’d overlook, or considerations that he may not have thought of because of his own wealthy and opportunistic upbringing. 

Erik was never afraid to check his cousin on the fact that life wasn’t easy for everyone and that meant things weren’t as simple to fix and not everyone needed help in the same way. 

These disagreements led into heated arguments sometimes, but I could see that T’Challa did truly appreciate his cousin’s input. And as for Erik, well, his cousin’s deference to his advice meant something to him, even if he’d never say it out loud. I could tell though. 

As a Prince of Wakanda, Erik had duties that he was responsible for, a country that needed him as well. And if there was one thing I knew about Erik, it was that when he was determined to do something, he excelled at it. It was one of the many things I loved about him. 

Erik preferred staying under the radar and that meant using his background and past connections for keeping track of any threatening motions or plans that were made against Wakanda. Although he was recognized as Prince N’Jadaka in Wakanda, he didn’t do many public tours or press conferences, leaving that to his cousin to handle. He didn’t stay in the public light that often, preferring to work behind the scenes, which made it easier to keep an eye on things. I’m not sure if it was due to his connections or his past reputations, but it appeared there were people who were still willing to work with him and give him the intel he needed. 

We had only settled in to our new place for a few months before he was off again, working out in the field, hitting up old connections, checking in on rumors or intel that warned that groups were trying to move against Wakanda to get what they wanted. 

Erik kept to his word and stayed open about where he was going, even if he got fuzzy on what he was doing sometimes. It was equated to the fact that somethings were better for me not to know, to keep me safe. But it wasn’t like I had been idle while Erik was away. My role at the Outreach Center had expanded since I first started, and I had new responsibilities that preoccupied most of my time. That meant that I was able to stay distracted with my work, instead of being restless at home, waiting for him to come back. Our relationship had expanded where we could trust one another to do our own thing and didn’t need to be under each other at all times. 

But that didn’t mean I didn’t miss Erik, especially in slow moments like these.

Nakia patted my arm gently, interrupting me from my thoughts. 

“It will be fine,” Nakia said gently. “If something happened, we would tell you.” 

I glanced over at Shuri who nodded at me. 

“There’s not a chance I could just use your line of communication, could I?” I asked her, and she tilted her head thoughtfully. 

“Sorry, but you know it’s limited to certain personnel,” she said, and I sighed, slipping another spoonful of ice into my mouth. “But if you and N’Jadaka ever get married, well, you’ll probably get clearance then.” 

I promptly choked at her words and Nakia had to firmly pat my back before I could catch my breath again. 

I stared at Shuri, my face feeling like it was on fire. Shuri burst into laughter loud enough that it drew some of the kids’ attention and even Nakia covered her mouth with her hand to smother her laughter. Ayo tilted her head, and this time, didn’t hold back her smile as she looked at me. 

I rose from my chair and walked away, my face still warm. 

“Oh, come on,” Shuri called after me, laughter still in her voice,” you can’t say you haven’t thought about it!” 

I decided not to dignify that with a response.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shae gets herself into trouble

 

****

“Yo, Miss Shae, when you gonna hook me up with one of those internships, like Malik and Avery?” Vince asked.

 

I had gotten a group of the older kids to help clean up while the adults handled the outside area. They were working efficiently, and I knew it was because they were eager to see the fireworks that were going to be set off. If we made a good effort, we could be done in time. I was excited to see them, but I wish Erik was here to watch them with me though.

 

“Nigga, you need to be on our level before asking for paper,” Avery retorted and Vince gave him a dirty look.

 

“Shit, yo’ stuff ain’t even good for you to be hyping it up,” Vince snapped back and Avery paused to look at him.

 

“Say that shit again, I dare you,” Avery said, taking a step forward.

 

Avery was Malik’s best friend and was just a year younger than him. Their comradery was something that I noticed Vince seemed jealous of, likely brought about by his desire to feel included.  Vince was a stocky kid and wasn’t really one of my regulars. I did notice that he had a mean streak in him and Malik and Avery were the few who were willing to get him to back down when he messed with the other kids.

 

Vince glared back at Avery, seeming to look for a fight. He stepped forward, his broom held tightly in his hand. The other kids paused from their work to watch, sensing the potential for a fight.

 

One thing I’d learned is that these kids were very sensitive to any potential slight to them.

 

“Guys,” I said calmly, but my voice was firm. I tossed a few empty bowls into a bin to be taken to the kitchen to be washed. “Don’t start.”

 

They both paused and looked at me and then back to each other, their bodies still ready.

 

“Ay, ya’ll heard, Miss Shae,” Malik said, and they looked at him, their faces tense.

 

He didn’t seem concerned as he tugged out a full bag of trash from the garbage bin and tied it off. When he was finished, he looked up and gave them a hard look.

 

With a huff, Avery shook his head, while Vince shrugged and turned away.

 

“Whatever, man,” Vince muttered and went back to his work.

 

It had taken a long time for them to be willing to listen to me and I knew part of it was because of Malik’s approval. It made it easier for them to trust me, knowing that Malik vouched for me.

 

Smiling to myself, I shook out a few more bowels before placing them into the dish bin. A few scattered pieces of trash fell out and I scooped them up with a paper towel. And promptly noticed another full bag of trash that was waiting to be taken out.

 

“Hey, Malik, can you…” I paused, realizing Malik had left already.

 

I had hoped to spare him too many trips to the dumpster. I sighed and went over to pick it up.

 

“Want me to take that out, Miss Shae?” Avery asked and I shook my head.

 

“No, it’s ok. I’ll take it out,” I said, and Avery nodded before lifting the full dish bin to take the kitchen.

 

________________

 

The gravel crunched under my wedges when I stepped out into the alleyway behind the Center. When I get back inside, I think I might switch into the pair of flats I kept in my office, because my feet were starting to kill me.

  
“Why you keep coming around here? I told you I ain’t got nothing for you.”

 

I paused, recognizing Malik’s voice and the hint of hesitation in them. I had never heard him like that. He always sounded so sure of himself.

 

“Watch your mouth, boy,” a voice growled back. “Remember who you’re fucking talking to.”

 

The words were accompanied by a hard smack and I turned the corner quickly, my body tense as I caught sight of the two figures. It was dark out now, and it was only because of the lamppost by the dumpster that I was able to make out the pair in front of me.

 

A man had Malik by the front of his jersey, his grip tight and his other hand pulled back to strike him again.

 

“Hey!”

 

The man’s hand paused, and he turned to look at me. I dropped the bag of trash to the side and stepped towards him.

 

“Leave him alone!” I said, too furious at the sight of Malik’s busted lip to think clearly.

 

I didn’t recognize the guy who held him. He was tall and had a stocky build. His white t-shirt was one size too big, as if he were trying to hide the roundness of his belly. His faded jeans were hanging low on his waist and he had a baseball cap on his head. A golden watch glinted on his wrist and he lowered his hand as he turned to face me.

 

He looked like one of those older guys who was trying too hard to dress young, but I had a feeling I would not help this situation if I pointed that out.

 

His grip on Malik’s shirt was still firm and when Malik shifted, he shoved him back against the wall hard.

 

“Stop it,” I snapped, and Malik shot me a look. There almost seemed to be a warning look in them.

 

“I’m good, Miss Shae,” he said, and I gave him an incredulous look. “He’s my pops.”

 

Oh shit. I had never seen Malik’s father, but I should have figured it out quicker, given his abusive history. I guess I hadn’t to expect him to show up to the Center. That was pretty bold considering you don’t mess with people here. The Center was a neutral zone, everyone knew that. Whether that was because of T’Challa’s status or Erik’s reputation, I still didn’t know.

  
Guess he either didn’t know that or didn’t care. Malik’s father was eying me, his eyes sliding up and down my body slowly. It made my skin crawl.

 

“Damn girl, come here and let me get a better look at you,” he said and leered at me.

I gave him a disgusted look and Malik glared at him.

“Leave her out of this,” he said, “she works here, aight?”

Malik’s father glanced at him and then back at me. He snapped his fingers and pointed at me.

“Shit, that’s right. You that therapist who was giving that long ass speech earlier.” 

“If you’d be listening, you’d know that I’m technically a counselor,” I said, and Malik gave me another pleading look. “I mean I could be a therapist, but that’s a different type of certification and it’s not really interchangeable with counselor.”

The man blinked at me for a second before frowning.

“The fuck you talking about? You messing with me?” Maliks’ father asked and I could hear the anger in his voice.

_This is not how you de-escalate a situation, Shae._

Internally I checked my posture and tried to subtly shift my stance.

When we moved in together, Erik decided that given past events, he was going to teach me the self defense moves he had offered before. I had been reluctant, knowing that my conditioning built by yoga and dance was very different from the strength and coordination that was needed for fighting.

And even still, I knew I wasn’t a fighter, but I agreed because my run in with Trish had taught me that sometimes you never knew when shit was going to hit the fan. I may never be a martial arts expert, but at the very least, I could learn some moves that could help me. Nakia even showed me a few moves from a women’s perspective.

Still, I didn’t really want to fight. I wasn’t an expert and training with people who had no intentions of harming you was a lot different than being faced with someone who did. Besides, I hadn’t been practicing, something I knew Erik wouldn’t be too happy about when he found out, because he took my training seriously.

Malik moved to pull away again and his father turned and hit him again. My heart clenched at the sight and I felt a wave of fury.

How could he hurt his own son like that?

  
“Stop that,” I said, “or I’ll….”

“You’ll what?” Reggie asked, titling his head at me. He was smirking at me, obviously feeling no threat from either me or his son.

I glanced at Malik’s face and I felt that burst of anger again. The look in his eyes were resigned, like he knew what was coming and was ready for it.

It made think of the look on my older cousin Troy’s face and I hated it.

 “Or I’ll make you,” I said and told myself that I could do this. I had to do this.

They were bold words and Malik’s father’s raised his brows as he eyes swept over me again. I knew he was taking in my wedges and dress and was assessing that the chances of me making him do anything was likely nonexistent.

Maybe I could make him. Maybe I couldn’t. But I was damn sure going to try.

To my surprise, he let Malik go and Malik moved quickly putting himself between me and his father. Malik’s father was smirking at me again and Malik shot him a furious look.

“Go ahead,” Malik’s father told him. “I’ll find you later.”

Malik and I looked at him in surprise. Had that actually worked? Malik shook his head, like he didn’t want to question it and turned to me.

“Come on, Miss Shae,” he said, turning to grab my arm. “Let’s go.”

“Nah,” Malik’s father said. “Nah, you go. She stays.”

Malik stopped and I felt my pulse in my throat as Malik’s father looked at me. I could see that dark intent in his eyes and Malik’s hand tightened slightly on my arm.

He saw it too.

“Leave her out of this,” Malik said and his voice sounded firm. “She ain’t got nothing to do with us. Just let her go.”

Did he have to do this with his own mother?

“Nah, nigga, she gonna talk like that, she needs to stay,” Malik’s father said, crossing his arms. “Come on girl, let me see what you got.”

I was afraid, but mostly angry. Angry that he seemed amused at the thought of hurting people, not caring if they were strangers or his own family.

 “It’s easy for you, isn’t it?” I asked, and his father frowned. Malik shot me a look and I saw him recognize the determined look on my face.

Malik knew I hated seeing people hurt.

“Miss Shae, don’t…”

“Picking on teenagers and women, must make you feel like a man,” I said, and his father narrowed his eyes at me.

“I can only imagine what Ms. Lockey had to put up with having you around. I know that you’ve been going after Malik’s money since he started interning here.”

  
“Miss Shae, just leave it alone….”

_He’s right, just let it go._

But he had been the cause of too much pain and it had been nagging at me in the back of my mind. Malik had been the one kid at the Center that I had felt helpless with, aching at seeing this brilliant kid and his wonderful family put through so much pain.  

All because this son of a bitch had an inferiority complex and the only way he knew how to handle it was to be cruel.

I pulled against Malik’s grip, keeping my gaze locked with his father.

“Men like you are cowards. Cowards who’d rather blame the world and use the excuse that life’s hard to be cruel to other people. Well, guess what? Life fucking sucks for everyone. That doesn’t give you a pass to be an asshole.”

I was shaking from my rage and Malik was gripping both of my arms and pulling me backwards and away from his father. My anger wasn’t making me think clearly, but I was ramped up.

Even so, I could see a vein throbbing in his neck, his jaw tense. His hands were curled into fists at his side. 

“Keep talking bitch. Give me a fucking reason…” he snarled, and I held my ground, glaring at him.

This was a sore spot for me. I could remember the fights my uncle Jerry and cousin Ty had gotten into. I could remember Ty trying to protect my cousin Shannon from his father’s wrath because my Aunt Melba was determined to “make her marriage work.”

Rationally, I should leave the situation and get Malik to safety. I had already talked briefly to Ms. Lockey about Malik’s father not too long ago and I had known the situation. I had planned to approach the problem calmly, but something in me had been triggered when I had seen Malik shoved against the wall. Malik, who tried his best to be strong and be a role model for the other kids.

It had been that flicker of fear in his eyes that had been the last straw.

I could see the look of pure hatred in his father’s eyes. I hadn’t seen anyone look at me like that, not even Trish. It was wild and every warning bell in my head went off as he glared at me. But it was Malik’s fear that kept my mouth moving even as my brain screamed for me to shut the fuck up.

“Malik is brilliant and smart and has a future. He doesn’t need you feeding off of him because you’re too busy clinging to some idea that the world owes you something.”

Malik’s grip was tight on my upper arms, his fingers digging into my skin.

“But let me tell you something,” I said, “the world doesn’t owe you shit.”  

He was breathing heavily now, his nostrils flared and I could see the signs that he had every intention of hitting me if I kept talking.

I was breaking Erik’s rule. He told me that if something like this ever happened, that I wasn’t to push anyone into fighting. The only reason I needed to use what he taught me was because I had no other choice. And here I was, making the situation worse.

But I was way past calm at this point, pushed to a sore point that I thought I’d gotten over. 

 “I’m going to help Malik as best I can,” I said, keeping my voice even. “And if that means finding a way to make sure you can’t hurt him or _his_ family, I will.”

No sooner had the words left my mouth that he lunged, and Malik was trying to yank me back from the blow. He wasn’t quick enough, and his father struck me on the side of the face, the blow hard enough that it knocked my glasses from my face. My face stung, but for some reason, I wasn’t really surprised that I had gotten hit.

I hoped my glasses weren’t scratched.

It was a stupid thing to focus on in this situation, but that’s just my coping mechanism. It was similar to how I locked away fear and panic to focus on the danger in front of me.

Malik had shoved me against the wall to get me out of the way and the roughness of the brick scraped my arm slightly. He threw a punch that connected to his father’s jaw and his father took a step back. Malik stood in front of me, his fists curled as he glared at his father.

Yeah, I could see from his stance, that Malik had done this before.

We stood still and I could _feel_ my face swelling and the stinging pain on my arm where it’d gotten scratched. But neither Malik or I moved as Malik’s father rubbed his jaw.

He dropped his hand and looked up and Malik tensed at the dark look of rage on his face.  

“Nigga, you done fucked up now,” he growled and took a step forward.

Malik shuffled back and for a moment I thought it was from fear. Then I realized he was going to shield me from whatever blows were about to come.

 “Nah, bruh,” a voice said, “you the one who done fucked up.”

All three of us turned to see a guy had stepped around the corner, his hands loose at his sides.

  
I had no idea who this guy was and when Malik glanced to look at me briefly, I realized he didn’t either.

 

Well shit.

 


	3. Chapter 3

 

****

The guy was wearing an unbuttoned navy-blue shirt, and I could see a white shirt underneath. His dark jeans were clean, and a pair of white Nike’s completed his look. His hair was lined up into a nice fade. His shirt sleeves were rolled up and I could see the muscles of his forearm under his dark skin.

 

He was broadly built, not as big as Erik, but it was apparent that he worked out enough to keep his body strong. He smiled at me and I had to admit he was handsome. Did nothing for me like Erik did, but that was a given for me now. Erik would always be on another level to me when compared to other guys.

 

The guy stepped closer towards Malik’s father and he eyed him.

 

“You Reggie, right?” the guy asked him, and Malik’s father looked at him more closely.

 

Malik’s father didn’t seem to know who this guy was either and was probably put off that he knew his name.

 

“Who the fuck are you?” Reggie asked, and I was curious for the answer too.

 

The mysterious guy just smirked at him.

 

“That don’t matter,” he said and nodded towards me. “What does is that you laid your hands on E’s girl. And nigga, you lucky I’m the one who saw it and not him.”

 

That was a common phrase I kept hearing. “E’s girl.” Just those words were enough for guys to scatter and Malik and Avery had said it more than once when a few guys had try hitting on me when Erik was gone.

 

I wasn’t sure how I felt about that. On the one hand, I wasn’t anyone’s property and being called ‘E’s girl’ was starting to rub me the wrong way. But seeing Reggie hesitate at the mention of Erik, had me thinking that on the other hand, it could come in handy in these types of situations.

 

Reggie frowned at him then glanced to me again. Malik tensed, his fists still curled as he kept his position in front of me.  Mystery Guy had stepped closer to us, but Reggie didn’t seem as bothered as he should be.

 

“Nigga ain’t here is he?” he finally said, almost to himself. Reggie nodded and glared at me again. “Nah I need to teach this bitch to watch her mouth.  

 

“Dr. Shae,” I said, and his brows furrowed. “My name is Dr. Shae, not ‘this bitch.’”

 

“Seriously, Miss Shae,” Malik muttered, and Mystery Guy huffed a small laugh.

 

That seemed to help Reggie make his decision and he lunged again. Malik pressed himself back to block him from me, but he didn’t need to.

 

Mystery Guy was there suddenly and clocked Reggie square on the jaw. Reggie jerked back and it was obvious that Mystery Guy’s punch was harder than Malik’s had been. It was hard enough that it stunned Reggie for a second and made him take a few steps back.

 

I now had Malik and Mystery Guy standing in front of me and Reggie’s eyes filled with rage as he glared at me.

 

“Come on man, I really don’t feel like getting blood on my clothes today,” Mystery Guy sighed. His posture was loose but ready, but he didn’t look too concerned with the whole situation.

 

Reggie pointed a finger at Mystery Guy.

 

“Get the fuck out of my way, nigga,” he snarled. “This shit ain’t got nothing to do with you.”  
  
“Nah, I’m good right here,” Mystery Guy said casually. “You need to get through me to get to them.”

 

“Well that’s a bit cliché,” I pointed out mildly and he spared me a grin over his shoulder.

 

Reggie seemed to think that was an opening because he went for us again. But Mystery Guy was fast and quickly turned to hit Reggie square in the face. The force was hard enough that he stumbled, blood spurting from his nose. Reggie straightened slightly to swing again, and Mystery Guy moved out of the way, before hitting him again, his fist connecting solidly with Reggie’s nose. I heard a popping sound and Reggie screamed.

 

Mystery guy looked at him calmly, watching as Reggie raised a hand to his face. When he gingerly touched his nose, more blood squirted.

 

“You broke my nose!”

 

Mystery guy just shrugged.

 

“Try that shit again and I’ll do more than that,” he said evenly, looking almost bored.

 

“Oh shit,” Malik muttered and he sounded almost impressed.

 

Reggie paused, still cradling his hand to his nose. He glanced at Mystery Guy and back to me. His eyes landed on Malik and his son just looked back at him, his face hard. He looked at me and that wild, unbridled hatred was in his eyes. I still couldn’t understand how I could breed that level when I had just met him.

 

Some people didn’t need a lot to hate you, it seemed.

 

Mystery Guy didn’t seem fazed, his hand still curled into a fist, ready to hit him again if he stepped forward.

 

There wasn’t any sympathy for Reggie here and he had lost this fight.

 

I felt a wave of distaste hit me. Reggie went after Malik and his mother because they were easy targets. He was one who preyed on those who he felt were easier to hurt. It was cowardly and cruel and it reminded me of too many stories that I had heard before. Go after people who you think won’t or can’t fight back. 

 

As the uncertainty filled Reggie’s eyes, I could tell he understood that Mystery Guy wasn’t an easy target.

 

Reggie backed off, still cradling his face and glaring at us. It wasn’t that intimidating with all the blood over his face.

 

“Shit, the bitch…”

 

“Dr. Shae,” I cut in and his eyes narrowed at me slightly.

 

“Fuck ya’ll, it ain’t worth it,” he snapped and winced as he pressed his fingers against his nose again.

 

“Stay away from Malik,” I said, and he glared at me. It seemed it was easier to focus his anger on me than Mystery Guy. “Don’t mess with him anymore.”

 

Reggie glared at me and Mystery Guy shifted, making his eyes draw to him.

Malik was looking at me, his brows furrowed.

 

“You heard her,” Mystery Guy said, “We’ll find out if you start shit again.”

 

Reggie spat at us, the blood spraying the ground in front of him. Mystery Guy’s face had gone neutral but there was a coldness in his eyes as he stepped forward.

 

Reggie tensed again, then shook his head in disgust and stumbled away.

 

Mystery Guy stood there, watching him leave until he turned a corner and went out of sight. 

 

Then, he rolled his shoulders and grimaced as he glanced down at his hand.

 

“Damn, didn’t want to get that nigga’s blood on my shit. Just bought this shirt,” he muttered to himself.

 

Malik bent down and dusted off my glasses before handing them to me. I thanked him and slid them on. Awesome, they weren’t scratched.

 

Mystery Guy watched us before focusing his gaze on Malik.

 

 “Ay, go check on your momma. She got your brother and sister, right? Let me know if he tries going after them.”

 

Malik looked at him then back at me.

 

“I don’t know you,” Malik said finally and Mystery Guy tilted his head. “How do I know you won’t mess with her?”

 

I raised my brows in surprise and Mystery Guy chuckled.

 

“Chill, lil’ man, I know she’s E’s girl, remember? I aint’ gonna try nothing with her.”

 

Malik looked at him and Mystery Guy just cocked his head at him. Malik turned to me.

 

“You gonna be ok, Miss Shae?” he asked.

 

I spared Mystery Guy a glance as I nodded.  


“Yeah, I’ll be fine,” I said. “Go make sure your mom and brother and sister are ok.”

 

Malik nodded, and his eyes drifted to my cheek. His jaw clenched, but he didn’t say anything as he turned away and making his way down the alley and around the corner.

 

 “Good kid,” Mystery Guy said. 

 

 “Yes, he is,” I said and looked at him. “Thank you.”

 

He shrugged and grinned at me.

 

“It’s all good, ma,” he said and gave me a once over. “You good?”

 

“I think so,” I said and gingerly raised a hand to touch my cheek. I pressed lightly and winced at the pain. “Weird, I couldn’t feel it before.”

 

“You were in shock,” he said and stepped towards me. Before I could pull away, he was gripping my chin gently, and turning my head to the side slightly, so he could study the side of my face.

 

“Damn,” he muttered, “that nigga got you good. This is gonna bruise.”

 

I firmly tugged my head back and he released my chin without a struggle. When I gave him a look, he grinned and raised his hands as he took a step back.

 

“Easy,” he said, keeping his posture casual. “Just checking. E’s gonna be pissed when he sees that.”

 

I eyed him, trying to keep from wincing as my face throbbed.

 

“Who are you?” I asked, and he rubbed a hand across his jaw, sliding his other hand into his pocket.

 

“Name’s Charlie.”

 

Hm. I didn’t recognize that name.

 

“My name’s Shae,” I said, and he chuckled.

 

“Yeah, I know,” he said and titled his head at me. “E asked me to keep an eye on you, but you don’t get spooked easy do ya? You was clowning on that nigga.”

 

I shrugged and crossed my arms.

 

“Malik’s father…he thinks it’s ok to pick on people because he’s bigger than them. But he’s just a bully.”

 

I made a disgusted noise and shook my head.

 

 “And I don’t like bullies,” I said, and Charlie laughed.

 

“Damn, I can see why E likes you,” he said and titled his head at me.

 

“How do you know Erik?” I asked, and he dropped his hand from his jaw to tap against his leg. “I haven’t seen you at any of the parties I went to with him. I thought I knew all of Erik’s friends.”

 

“We’re more like…colleagues,” he said, and I shifted back a few steps and eyed him warily.

 

It made me think of Erik’s past “colleagues” and I knew for sure that the only ones I knew were Trish and a guy named Mitch. I had no idea what Mitch looked like though.

 

Charlie noticed and raised his hands.

 

“Chill, it ain’t like that. E told me ya’ll had some old crew come after you. I ain’t with them.”  
  
I just looked at him. I wondered if I screamed loud enough, would someone hear me? 

 

Charlie kept his body relaxed as he studied me.

 

“Seriously, E saved my life once. I returned the favor and we kind of have a…” he paused, like he was thinking of the right way to phrase it.

 

“A running tab for each other?” I asked, and he nodded, his lips twitching.

 

“Shit, I like that. Yeah, that’s what it is,” he said. 

 

“Erik doesn’t trust a lot of people,” I said, and he raised a brow. “If he asked you to look out for me, you guys must have gone through something together. At least enough where he’s willing to still hit you up.”

 

Charlie snorted and slid his hands into his pockets.

 

“Shit, you telling me. Nigga knows how to disappear without a trace. But when he calls,” he paused and tilted his head at me. “He always makes it worth my time.”

 

A sudden boom made me jump and I gasped my hand flying to my chest. Charlie chuckled, unfazed and nodded upwards.

 

They had started setting off the fireworks and the sky light up in colors. I paused to gaze up at them, and not for the first time, I wished Erik was home.

 

When the sky quieted, I shifted my gaze to Charlie, who was watching me.

 

“What did he offer you now?” I asked, and Charlie just smiled at me.

 

“Nothing. This was just him cashing in on his,” Charlie said. “I know this area and some of the folks here. Heard you were going to have trouble with Malik’s pops and figured I keep an eye on him.”

 

I raised my brows. I hadn’t really talked to many people about Malik’s father. Charlie saw my expression and shrugged.

 

“Shit gets around. That nigga’s been messing with them for a while and E’ said you got a way of sticking your nose in other people’s business. I knew you’d try looking out for the kid, so I kept tabs on his pops to see if he’d try showing up here.”

 

I pursed my lips at him, my eyes narrowing slightly. He rocked back on his heels, grinning. He seemed to smile a lot.

 

“Were you in black ops too?” I asked, and Charlie raised his brows in surprise. Maybe he didn't’ expect Erik to share that with me.

 

Charlie was studying me closely, a curiosity in his eyes.

 

“E tell you about all that?” he asked, and I nodded.

 

He gave a low whistle.

 

“Shiit, that nigga trusts you like that? E ain’t never been down with no one like that.”

 

Charlie seemed like he was studying me more closely and his intent gaze reminded me a bit of how Erik had looked at me when he was trying to figure me out.

 

“Must be something special about you,” he said finally.

 

I shrugged, keeping my posture casual as I looked back at him. I had noticed Charlie hadn’t confirmed or denied knowing Erik from his black op days, but I was getting a feeling that I didn’t really need to worry about him. If he was going to try something, he had ample time to do it. Or maybe he was just trying to bid his time and get me comfortable? Or maybe….

 

“Relax, girl,” Charlie said and snickered at the expression on my face. “I ain’t gonna come after you or nothing. I know what he’ll do to me if I mess with you.”

 

Charlie shuddered and shook his head, with a wry smile was on his face.

 

“Nah, I ain’t that stupid,” he said.

 

Another boom in the sky, but I was mentally prepared this time. I didn’t turn to look though, keeping my gaze on Charlie, watching as the colors reflected across his face.

 

Had Charlie known Erik when he started his reputation of being Killmonger? He didn't call him that, but I had a feeling he’d recognized the name if I asked.

 

I didn’t though. I had accepted that part of Erik a while ago and I wasn’t going to bring up the past when it was obvious that he was working on building his future.

 

As I lifted my gaze, watching sparks of light go off in the sky, I marveled at the fact that despite knowing as much as I did about Erik, he was always going to be a mystery to me.

 

And Charlie just seemed to be another piece to that puzzle.

__________

 

 

 

After it had been confirmed that danger was over, Charlie had left with another one of his grins and the mention that he’d keep an eye on Reggie. I had wandered back inside and had been surprised to find Nakia, Shuri and Malik waiting for me.

 

Malik had quickly checked on his mother and siblings and then went to find Nakia and Shuri, seemingly not willing to leave me on my own with Charlie. He was still cautious and had learned to not trust easy. I had been touched by his concern.

 

Now we were in my office and both Malik and I recounted the events while Nakia listened, her arms crossed and brows furrowed in thought.

 

Erik had mentioned that Nakia had worked as a Wardog and she was good at what she did. It actually hadn’t been that surprising to envision Nakia as a spy, going undercover, fighting or hacking in the field. She was beautiful, smart and had an aura of confidence that was inspiring to be around. A lot of the girls at the center looked up to her, ecstatic to see someone that had their dark skin or coily hair walk through the world in grace and the assuredness that came with being comfortable in your own skin.

 

I was surrounded by royalty, geniuses, spies, assassins and fighter. Sometimes I marveled at the fact that I was surrounded by so many talented and extraordinary people. It could give a girl an inferiority complex if I wasn’t careful.

  
Shuri retuned with a first aid kit and a cool compress that she had made with a cloth and ice. She passed the items to Nakia and I settled into my office chair as Nakia wiped gently at my cheek with an alcohol swab before lightly pressing the cool compress to my cheek.

 

“At least I can say I got my first war wound,” I said, wincing at the pain and the chill of the pack.

  
Nakia straightened and raised a brow as she looked at me.

 

“Oh, I’m sure N’Jadaka will find that hilarious,” she said dryly.

  
“It will be interesting to see his reaction,” Shuri mused as she sat on my desk, facing me. She peered at my face when I lifted the compress slightly and shook her head.

 

“That’s going to bruise and it’s very noticeable,” she said and I gave her a mild look.

 

“Thanks,” I said dryly, and she shrugged.

 

Malik sat on the comfy couch in my office, watching us. I titled my head at him, taking in his lip and the bruise under his right eye.

 

“Malik, let Nakia look at you too,” I said and he shook his head.

 

“I’m fine,” he said and Nakia turned to look at him.

 

“You did well cleaning that cut,” she said, motioning towards his bottom lip. “I can get you an ice pack for that bruise too.”

 

Malik shrugged, his leg shaking as he tapped his foot quickly. Nakia and I exchanged a glance.

 

“I’m good. This ain’t my first time,” he said and turned to stare out the window, his brows furrowed.

 

I was about to insist that we get him an ice pack, but the door opened and we looked up to see Ayo entering the room. Her eyes fell on me and she inclined her head.

 

“His father is no longer on the grounds,” she said and approached to study me more closely. “That could have been much worse.”

 

Malik’s leg kept moving and Shuri tilted her head at him.

 

“I’m just lucky, I guess,” I said and Ayo raised a brow.

 

“What was that man’s name again?” Nakia asked and I looked at her.

 

“Charlie,” I said and spared a glance at Malik. “You said you didn’t know him either, right?”

 

“Nah,” he said, keeping his eyes on the window.

 

“And he claims to be comrades with Prince N’Jadaka?” Ayo asked and I nodded.

 

“Well, that’s interesting,” Shuri mused and crossed her arms.

 

“You’ve heard that name before?” I asked her and she cocked her head in thought.

 

“Hm…No, but that doesn’t mean anything. You know my cousin keeps things close to him,” she said and I heaved a sigh.

 

“Yeah,” I said and pulled the ice pack away from my face slightly. It was really cold, and my face was starting to feel numb slightly.

 

Now that I had calmed down, I was getting hit with a few things at once.

 

I had nearly endangered not only my life, but Malik’s as well. Even with the few moves Nakia and Erik had shown me, I had gotten too emotional and hadn’t been able to react quickly.  If Charlie hadn’t shown up, there likely wouldn’t have been anyone around who could have helped us. I know Malik had been willing to shield me, but I had put him in that predicament.

 

I felt my throat tighten and had to shake my head as tears welled in my eyes.

 

Stupid. I had been so stupid.

 

Nakia was studying me and Ayo inclined her head towards Shuri.

  
“Princess, we should give them some room,” she suggested and Shuri spared a glance at me. She saw my expression and nodded.  

  
Without another word, Shuri hopped up to follow Ayo out the room. She patted my knee as she passed and I gave her a weak smile.

 

“Neither of you are to blame,” Nakia murmured to me softly as she collected the first aid kit. I met her gaze and nodded. “He needs to be reassured of this.”

  
“I know,” I said softly and took a deep breath. “I’m fine.”

 

I had learned how to regain my composure quickly, something I had gained from experience. Nakia squeezed my arm gently and with one last look at Malik, left the room, closing the office door behind her.

 

The room descended into silence and I watched Malik, noting that his leg hadn’t stopped shaking since he sat down.

 

I stood up and moved to sit down next to him on the couch, noting how he refused to look at me.

 

I gazed at him for a moment and then sighed.

  
“I’m sorry,” I said and Malik’s leg stopped shaking as he turned to look at me. “It’s my fault and I am going to own up to that.”

 

Malik frowned at me.

 

“What are you talking about?”

  
I waved a hand, gesturing with the ice pack still in my hand.

 

“I should have stayed calm and shouldn’t have egged your father on like that.”

  
I sighed again and shook my head.

  
“I’m always urging you guys to stay calm and think, and there I was, making the situation worse for both of us. And that wasn’t the right way to handle the situation and I’m sorry I put you in danger like that.”

 

Malik stared at me for a moment, his brows furrowed. Then he kissed his teeth and straightened, shoving his hands into his hoodie pockets.

 

“I ain’t mad at you, Miss Shae,” Malik said and glared down at the carpeted floor of my office. “I’m just…”

 

His words trailed off and he shook his head in frustration. Being patient was a big part of my job and I waited quietly as he collected his thoughts.

 

Malik’s willingness to open up to me came and went, but there were moments where he was willing to share and be a bit more open.

 

“I’m sick of this shit, Miss Shae,” Malik muttered. “This nigga left cause we didn’t have shit and now that I do, now that I’m getting my shit together and taking care of Mama and Elle and Roland…”

 

Malik shook his head again.

 

“Why stuff always gotta go to shit when you start thinking things are getting good?”

 

I leaned against the couch cushions and stared ahead, switching the ice pack from one hand to the other absently.

  
“Some people are drawn to success. There’s something that’s addicting about seeing someone in joy, seeing a person happy and succeeding. But sometimes, people can’t stand seeing that joy because they don’t have it in their lives.”

  
Malik kept staring down as I kept gazing ahead.

 

“It’s even worse when they’ve convinced themselves that their life is great and that they’re happy. See, those people are drawn to another’s success and want to destroy it, because they’re not really happy and they can’t stand seeing other people in a place that they can’t get to.”

 

I set the ice pack on the floor and shook my hand lightly to flick off the ice water that had melted slightly in my palm.

 

“The real problem is that people don’t understand that you really just need to be at peace with yourself. That doesn’t mean things still won’t go wrong or that life won’t still happen. And it’s not really measurable, you know? We try to say that if a person has money or a car or nice house or whatever new symbol of status that we come up with, if they have those things, then they got it made, that they’re finally happy. Sure it definitely has its perks, but there may still be something missing.”

 

I titled my head and Malik looked up to meet my gaze, still hunched over his legs.

 

“But being at peace, it’s only measured in here,” I said and tapped my heart. “It’s that feeling that no matter what happens you’ll be ok. No matter what people may say to you, no matter what they take away from you, you’ll be ok. You still feel pain and struggle, but you are so sure in the fact that you just know you’ll be ok.”

 

Malik leaned back to settle against the couch cushions, his gaze now level with mine. His brows had un-furrowed and he just looked at me, his hands still in his pockets.

 

“And that’s the hardest part of life. Because it requires us to let go of things that we think are important. It requires us to truly let go of what other people think of us and sometimes, what we think of ourselves.”

 

“Like that Enlightenment stuff?” Malik asked and I raised my brows at him, surprised. He shrugged slightly and said, “Read about some of that stuff in one of those books in the library.”

 

I grinned at him and he rolled his eyes. Looks like someone had taken a few reading suggestions.

 

“Yes,” I said, still smiling, “some philosophies may call it Enlightenment. But to answer your earlier question, there’s always a balance to things. That means that sometimes, not always, when things seem like they’re going right, the natural order is for some things to feel like they’re going wrong.”

 

“So, it don’t matter what you do, shit’ll still happen?” he asked and shook his head. “That’s fucked up,” he muttered.

 

“Language,” I said absently and he frowned at me. I ignored him and continued. “It is, but I think that’s our problem. We think for life to be good we have to always be happy, always have things go right. But without the other side, we don’t grow, we don’t experience and we don’t learn things about ourselves that we should learn.”

 

“What if people do everything they can to make it hard for you,” Malik said and I studied him. “What if they just keep fu…” he paused and I raised a brow, “messing things up for you, even when you don’t want nothing to do with them. Why they go out of their way to make your life hard?”

 

“I don’t know,” I said honestly. “I don’t understand it either. Why people feel that they have to go out of their ways to destroy other people or hurt other people. Sometimes, I think because it’s just easier.”

 

Malik frowned at me.

 

“How?”

 

I shifted to face him more fully.

 

“Rage and hatred are something we can fall into easy. We don’t have to think too critically about things, we don’t have to look at ourselves too closely. It’s not our fault, it’s their fault. Anything that happens to me is because _they_ did it.”

  
Malik was looking at me intently and I knew he was listening closely.

 

“And sometimes, it’s true. Sometimes it is other people’s fault that things are the way they are. And all our brains need is that one moment of true validation to keep building this wall around ourselves where we tell ourselves its ok to hurt others and not feel remorse.”

 

I let out a breath and rubbed a hand on my bracelet, lightly tracing the Wakandan etchings on my bracelet that Erik had given me a long time ago. It was a warm reminder of the man I loved.

 

“It feels good too, doesn’t it?” I asked and held Malik’s gaze. “It feels good knowing that your pain is validated and you can feel your righteous anger and hatred, not caring if after a certain point, maybe you might be wrong. There’s a sharp kind of pleasure to it.”

 

Malik stared at me for a second, before he drew his gaze to one of the paintings on the wall.

 

“You don’t have to give a shit about anyone, cause you know they don’t give a shit about you,” he said.

 

“Yes,” I said and he glanced back at me. “But that’s the problem. No matter how good it may feel, you’re really just hurting yourself. Because even when it may seem like it, all you’re doing is growing that pain instead of healing it. You let yourself dwell into too long so that now you’re validating what other people feel and think about you. You become trapped in that pain with them, both hurting each other over and over again until nothing that’s you is left.”

 

“And being compassionate? Being forgiving and loving?” I shook my head and let out a wry laugh. “Oh, it’s hard. It’s hard because sometimes people don’t even _want_ to be forgiven or loved. Some people prefer your anger and hatred over your acceptance and understanding.”

 

Malik let his gaze drift back to the painting, but his head was inclined towards me.

 

“But when we get hurt, and if we hold onto that pain, we’re giving that person a part of ourselves. Anger or hatred means you’re thinking about the people who hurt you, that you push that energy towards them. And people thrive off energy, no matter how it comes to them.”

 

“And then you’re making stupid mistakes, like picking fights with people you shouldn’t be picking fights with,” I said and gave him a wry smile when he glanced at me. “Or giving them the power to keep pushing that pain and building that anger.”

 

I held Malik’s gaze and he stared back at me.

 

“And then you find out that anger and hatred is not yours anymore. It’s theirs because in a way, they can control you with it, can do even just the simplest action or cause the simplest problem and now you’re reacting to them and not always in the best way.”

 

The room grew silent and I spared a glance at the clock on my wall. It was getting late.

 

“You know,” Malik said finally, “you do like giving long speeches.”

 

I gasped at him and brought my hand to my chest, mock offended. He grinned and I felt my own smile grow.

 

I shook my head and reached down to pick up the now melted ice pack and walked back towards my desk.

“But did you listen though?” I asked, turning to face him and lean against my desk.

“Yeah,” Malik said and shook his head. “Yeah, I heard you.”

He paused and titled his head at me.

“What about you?” he asked, looking at me.

I frowned at him.

“What do you mean?” I asked and he gestured towards me with one hand.

“You said you weren’t thinking when you started clowning on my pops. Does that mean that you’re holding onto something?”

I studied Malik and felt a mixture of pride and mild annoyance at how perceptive he was. There were a few sessions where he had me re-thinking things about myself. He was one of those kids that listened, really listened, and sometimes you’d realize that maybe, they had more insight into things than you thought.

But he was right. I had been thinking of my own family and the issues that lingered with me.

I sighed finally and straightened.

“Like I said,” I murmured, “it’s harder to let yourself heal and grow than it is to let yourself stay in your pain. It takes work and dedication and most of us don’t have the time or resources or even the support to do it.”

“So, then what do you do?” Malik asked, looking at me. “What do you do when you want to let that shit go, but it’s too hard?”

That was the real question wasn’t it? How did we overcome pain and suffering and trauma, especially when they still happened to us every day? How could we grow and heal from things that were still impacting us and didn’t have signs of changing?

“You just do the best you can,” I said. “Sometimes it’s not fair that you’re the one who has to try and work harder and do better, but if you want to heal, if you really want to find that peace, you’ll just do the best you can. Learn to forgive yourself, learn to forgive others and maybe, one day, no matter what people say to you or do to you, it won’t hurt you.”

Malik reminded me of Erik, of what Erik may have been like when he was younger. He was smart and thoughtful and had so much potential. But unlike Erik, Malik had people who were willing to help guide him through his pain and struggle. He had the Center and his mother and his friends.

But he also had the trauma of a father who abused him and his mother. Even more difficult for Malik, is that I knew from some of his sessions, that he also had memories of his father, memories that weren’t all bad. There was a small boy inside that still longed for the chance to have a father that loved him. And Malik was going to have to work through that, work to come to terms to how the pain affected him and what that desire of having a real father meant to him. But I believed in Malik. Just like I would and always, believe in Erik.

I smiled at Malik and he cocked his head, eying me.

Malik was going to be ok. Life may be hard and uncertain, but Malik a good kid and stronger than he thought he was.

“You’re going to be just fine,” I said and Malik blinked at me. “Just fine.”

“You’re kind of weird,” he muttered, but there was no sting to his words.

I grinned at him.

“I’m going to take that as a compliment, “I said, and I saw his lips twitch.


	4. Chapter 4

** Chapter 4 **

“Oh shit, Miss Shae, you really did get hit!”

I glanced up from cornrowing Avery’s hair to see that Alani had popped into my office while I’d been working, staring intently at my face.

It was my Saturday shift and was a day I spent mostly either catching up on work or entertaining some of the kids who stopped by on the weekends. With the amenities that the Centers offered, a lot more people ended up spending their free time hanging here on the weekends.

It was a week after the incident at the Annual Celebration and I was still fielding questions and concerns whenever someone spotted me. The bruise had lightened, but it was still noticeable and word had gotten around that apparently “Miss Shae had taken a hit.” I was only relieved that with my skin tone, the bruise didn’t look as bad as it could have.

“Language, Alani,” I told her, and she pursed her lips at me and crossed her arms.

“They cuss all the time,” she accused and glared pointedly at Avery who just smirked back at her.

“And I tell them too,” I said, and she huffed. I raised a brow at her and she shifted slightly.

Alani was fourteen and had come to me when we started the dance classes through the Arts Program. She had been a bit upset because she had wanted to participate in the ballet classes that were being offered but mentioned she was too big to do it. I had immediately showed her videos of wonderful black ballet dancers who were also thick too. I told her anyone could dance, no matter their size or what type of dance they were doing. If she wanted to be a ballet dancer, she would be. It had been worth it, seeing the look of pure joy and determination in her eyes when she signed up and took her first class.

Alani was among my regulars and she often come into my office to tug a book off one of my shelves and just sit and read during her hours. Sometimes she chatted with me about her older brothers or what new trend was happening at school.

“Sorry, Miss Shae,” she said finally and peered at me. “Did it hurt when you got hit?”

“Seriously Alani,” Avery muttered. “Don’t you have chill?”

“What? I haven’t seen her all week, I wanted to see!”

I had been touched that he had been just as angry to see my bruise as Malik had been. He told me that Reggie hadn’t shown up at Malik’s house and that Charlie had stopped by once or twice while he was over. There was a bit of admiration going around for Charlie when Malik told the story of how easily he had fought.

I still didn’t know much about Charlie and hadn’t seen him since that day. I was just too busy being relieved that it seemed like things were calming down. I didn’t know for how long or what the repercussions would be when Reggie felt brave enough to come around again, but sometimes you had to be grateful for the peaceful moments instead of wasting time fretting about the future.

I shrugged, my fingers still working in Avery’s hair.

“Sort of,” I said, answering Alani’s question. “But I didn’t really feel it until later.”

Alani stared at me for a second before her brows furrowed.

“I hope E kicks Malik’s dad’s ass,” she said and I gasped.

“Alani!”

“Shit, me too,” Avery muttered. “That nigga has it coming.”

“Avery!”

“Oh come on, Miss Shae,” Alani insisted, “you know he deserves it.”

I sighed.

Deep down, a part of me did hope for that. It was a natural reaction. Reggie was the type of man who’d keep fucking with people until someone put him in his place and Erik was the type who could do it. There was a bit of vindication and dark satisfaction in knowing that Erik would go after him.

But I had seen firsthand the rage that could take over Erik when someone threatened me, let alone actually touch me. Erik had made a lot of progress, but that rage was always going to be there, always ready to brim over the surface if someone crossed him at the wrong time on the wrong day.

Besides, hadn’t I had a long talk with Malik about the dangers in dwelling in that rage? If Erik, someone who all these kids looked up to, went after Reggie, well…. That’d just teach them that they should exact vengeance in the same way. It was a dangerous road for many of them, one that many of them were already too close to taking now.

 

“We can’t rely on other people to fix our problems,” I said and Avery snorted.

“Ain’t that literally your job?” He asked and I tapped him lightly with my comb and Alani snickered.

“That’s different. I’m more of a guide. I can’t fix everything. All I can do is be there for you guys when I can.”

“What, you gonna be taking punches for everyone?” Avery asked and Alani looked at me curiously.

I felt a wry smile form on my face. I knew what he meant.

“I’d defend any of you kids, just like I did with Malik,” I said. “You’re all special to me.”

Neither one of them said anything for a moment and I continued working on Avery’s hair.

“Malik’s right,” Avery said finally and Alani nodded.

I raised a brow as I smoothed down his edges with some gel.

“How so?”

“You’re weird,” Avery concluded and I rolled my eyes, but smiled slightly.

“It’s ok though,” Alani said, grinning at me. “We like you and everyone knows you got their back now.”

When Avery hummed in agreement, I couldn’t help the bright smile that split my face.

I may not be the most talented or skilled person that these kids knew at the Center, but if all I had was their trust, well that mattered more to me than anything. I had my little group of kids that I looked after and I felt proud of that. If I could make them feel less alone in this world, no matter how small, then I would do what I could.

___________________

You never realize how big a place is until you’re there by yourself.

I discovered the during the first week we moved in the extent to which Erik had re-modeled our building. We lived on the third floor and the second floor had the laundry room and two guest bedrooms for people to stay over in.  It included full bathrooms and another kitchen, so essentially, they wouldn’t have to come up for anything, if they needed to. That had amused me because I could just see Erik being the type of host who’d prefer it if his guests didn’t bother him.

The first floor had Erik’s at-home gym, fitted with equipment that I was sure professional gyms would have envied. The gym is where he’d shown me some moves and had shaken his head at my weak attempts at strength training on the machines.

_So much for those lesson though._

 I was still kicking myself that I hadn’t put them to use, hadn’t kept calm when the situation called for it.

_See? Sometimes it easier to give advice than to take it, as some would say._

I sighed as I dropped my keys onto the end table near the door and rolled my shoulders to ease out tense muscles as I felt the silence of our place descend on me.

Coming home to a quiet place was different when you’re in a relationship. When it had just been me, I had been relieved to come home to peace and quiet and not have to be bothered by anyone else. My introverted personality reared its head and I’d revel in the feeling of being alone in my own thoughts.

It was different now that I was with Erik.

For one, Erik actually wasn’t a huge chatter. Sure, we always had a connection that allowed us to have deep and long conversations when we wanted. It’s something that we had shared since I first met him, something that remained from those late-night study sessions where we would debate and argue and laugh about a rich variety of topics.

But most of the time, there was just a comfortable silence between us. I think people underestimate how important that is. Most people think that to have a connection with someone, you need to be able to talk to them all the time.

I think it’s important if you can find someone who can just be quiet or at least do their own thing without having to talk to you every five minutes. They’re content just being in your presence and don’t need to fill it with unnecessary chatter or attempts to talk about things. Sure, there’s nothing wrong with talking about mundane things or just being silly together.

For me though, it was just as important that I could come home from a long day of work, grab a book and just snuggle up to his side while he worked or relaxed for the day. If I didn’t feel like talking, Erik didn’t bug me to do it and I didn’t mind it when he’d do his own thing.

As I moved through the motions of eating dinner alone, watching television alone, getting ready for bed alone, I realized that these were all things that had a different type of silence when you weren’t sharing it with someone.

When I slid into bed, I immediately rolled to Erik’s side and buried my face into his pillow. His scent was still there and I breathed deeply before letting out a sigh and fluffing the pillow slightly.

My eyes were drawn to the panther statute that sat on the end table in the bedroom. Sometimes, I looked at that statute and remembered the stories that Erik told me.

“I’m not sure if you’d hear me,” I said to it softly and hesitated, feeling slightly silly. I hadn’t had anything like that vivid dream so long ago, but I often got a sense of something shimmering in those emerald gem eyes.

I shifted on the bed, propping my head on the pillow, the covers tucked around me, wrapping me in a comfortable warmth. I gazed into the emerald eyes and sighed.

“I’m not sure if you’d listen,” I tried again, “but I know that Erik… N’Jadaka, is one of your people.”

The panther statute just sat there and I wondered again, whether I was being silly. I mean, I had my own beliefs and I respected Erik’s, but was there something disrespectful about talking to someone’s else god?

Or maybe, as long as I came to her respectfully, would that make the difference?

“Goddess Bast,” I said and swallowed, feeling awkward, “I’m just trying to ask for you to look after N’Jadaka for me. I know I can’t follow him everywhere but….”

My fingers kneaded the pillow and I let out a breath.

“And I know I haven’t spoken to you in …. well ever…. I know I’m not Wakandan, but I love N’Jadaka and I hope that love is enough for you to hear me.”

For the briefest second, I thought I saw something shift in the gem eyes, but I told myself it was just the moonlight hitting them slightly.

“But since this year has gone by, I know he’s made strides in gaining the trust of his people. And I know that’s important to him and important to you too, right?”

My fingers were still kneading the pillow as I spoke the words softly, even though I was alone.

“And I would never ask him to give up that part of himself that he’s growing to understand. I know he has work to do for Wakanda and for himself too.”

I wasn’t sure if anyone was listening, but I was struck with that same determination and same longing that I sometimes felt in quiet moments like these.

“All I ask is that you bring him home to me safe,” I finished and let out a breath. “Please, Goddess Bast, just bring N’Jadaka home to me safely.”

** _________________ **

Another week had passed and I was moving from worry into outright annoyance. Sure, Erik had a job to do, but with all that wonderful technology Wakanda had, he couldn’t even drop a fucking text to tell me he was at least ok?

He was _so_ going to have to make it up to me when he’d got home. He’d never been absent this long, not since….

“Wassup, shorty?”

I glanced up from my phone to see Charlie approaching me. I eyed him, taking in his white buttoned dress shirt, with the sleeves rolled up to show off his toned forearms. His was wearing a pair of dark jeans and his white Nikes were still fresh and clean.

“Do you work in an office or something?” I asked him and he cocked his head at me. “Or do you just like shirts with buttons?”

Charlie grinned at me.

“Ay, why you coming for my threads like that? You don’t think I look fresh?”

I rolled my eyes before returning my gaze to my phone.

“You look fine,” I said and he huffed a small laugh.

“Whatchu doin’ out here?” he asked and I waved towards the bus stop sign.

Charlie stared at me then glanced at the sign.

“Nuh uh. No fucking way E would let his girl take the bus.”

I pressed my lips together as I looked at him.

“My name is Shae, not E’s girl,” I told him and crossed my arms. “And what’s wrong with the bus?”

“Nothing, ma, didn’t mean no disrespect,” he said and leaned against the signpost. “Shit, I just know E’s got the cash. Figured he’d buy you a car or something.”

I shrugged.

“He wants to. He hates it when I take the bus,” I said and Charlie arched a brow. “I’ve always been somewhere that had a bus line or a friend who could give me rides. I don’t know, I guess I’m just used to public transportation by now. It’s a good way to people watch.”

Charlie slid his hands into his pockets and titled his head at me. His brown eyes were lighter than Erik’s but were just as intense. I shifted and made a point of glancing at my phone, hoping I didn’t seem uncomfortable.

“You need a ride somewhere?” he asked finally and I looked up at him, startled.

“What?”

He waved a hand and titled his head.

“You waiting for the bus, so you trying to go somewhere. You need a ride?”

I stared at him and shook my head.

“No,” I said, “I’m fine.”

Charlie grinned, his white teeth flashing at me.

“You’re cautious, that’s good,” he said, nodding. “Makes my job easier.”

“Has anyone told you that you have a way of coming off as creepy?” I asked him and he laughed.

“I ain’t trying to,” he said shaking his head, “just meant if something happens to you, E’s gonna come for me. Shit, I’m already fucked with that mark on you.”

Charlie sobered and his eyes went to my cheek.

“Looks like its healing up though,” he mused and I frowned at him.

“I’m not your responsibility,” I told him. “And if Erik has a problem with you about that, tell him to talk to me about it.”

Charlie stared at me for a second, before grinning widely. I realized he thought the idea of me telling Erik what to do was amusing to him.

“Shit, you really something else,” Charlie said and I rolled my eyes. “For real, where you going?”

I sighed.

“The Center is hosting a lock-in tonight and I’m one of the volunteers to look after the kids.”

“Yeah? Let me give you a ride then.”

I gave him another look and he raised his hands.

“Or let me ride the bus with you, aight? Reggie’s still around and even though he hasn’t come after Malik….”

He might come after me. It was still known that Erik was out of town and I was an easy target.

Damnit. That’s it, I really needed to buckle down on that self defense training.

I studied Charlie, taking in his casual and relaxed posture as he looked back at me. His expression showed that he wouldn’t mind either way and there weren’t any alarm bells going off in my head.

At least not in the sense that he’d do something.

“If you try anything,” I said slowly and he titled his head at me. “I have at least three trained assassins on speed dial. And that doesn’t include Erik.”

Technically it was two. Nakia would come and I had a feeling I could convince Shuri to send Ayo. Ayo seemed to like me, I think. But Charlie didn’t need to know that.

“Noted,” Charlie said, “I’ll keep my hands to myself.”

He was grinning when he said it, but I told myself that if Erik trusted him, then so could I.

_______________

“So, is your name really Charlie?” I asked as Charlie drove. 

 Charlie had a nice, white sports car and it looked expensive. I wondered, once again, what he must do for a living.

Besides do favors for Erik, of course.

Charlie flashed me a grin.

“Why wouldn’t it be?” he asked, and I shrugged.

“Well, since you’re one of Erik’s spy friends, I wondered if it was like an alias or something.”

Charlie shook his head, chuckling lightly.

“You a trip,” he said, and I noticed he didn’t really answer my question. “Spy friend,” he said to himself, still grinning.

I shifted my purse on my lap, tapping one of my fingers against my phone.

“Well, where did you pop up from? I mean, have you been stalking me this whole time or…”

“Stalking?” Charlie asked and I tilted my head at him.

“It’s kind of convenient that you just happened to show up while I was waiting at the bus stop,” I said and shrugged. “So how else would you know unless you were stalking me?”

Charlie didn’t look offended, just amused.

“I was just out, ma. ‘Sides, even if I was, I’m supposed to keep an eye on you,” he said and I frowned.

“I told you, I’m not your responsibility,” I said and he shrugged.

“No offense,” he said and spared me a quick glance. “But Imma have to go on E’s direction on this.”

I crossed my arms as I kept my body angled to look at him.

“Well, Erik’s not here and I don’t need you following me around. Not that I don’t appreciate you helping out.”

Charlie glanced over at me again with that grin on his face.

“Oh, so you get hit once and think you can take on anyone, huh?” he asked and I huffed and faced forward.

“It’s not like I’m looking for fights,” I muttered. “I just can’t stand by while someone gets hurt.”

“Why not?”

I glanced over at Charlie, but his gaze was on the road while he drove.

“Shit ain’t got nothing to do with you,” he said and I frowned at him.

“It’s not about that. If someone’s getting hurt and I can stop it….”

“By taking a hit for someone? Cause that’s all you did,” he said dryly. “Lil’ man probably would’ve been aight after that beating.”

I gaped at him.

“So, you would’ve just let Malik’s dad go in on him like that?”

Charlie shrugged.

“You see shit like that all the time. One day, he’ll get big enough and his pops won’t be able to come after him.”

Charlie glanced at me again.

“All you did was just piss him off more and put a target on your back.”  
  
I stared at him, my phone in one hand and my other hand clenched into a fist.

“You sound like Erik,” I said finally and shook my head. “He says the same thing. Says that this is just life around here and I can’t save everyone.”

“You can’t,” Charlie said, nodding. “Or you’ll get pulled into some real shit you shouldn’t be dealing with. Like that shit with Trish.”

I tensed, my hand tightening on my purse strap.

“You said you weren’t with them,” I said carefully, and he sighed.

“I wasn’t,” he said, “but E told me about it.”

I looked at him curiously.

“Why?” I asked, frowning. “Did you help out or something?”

Erik had said he’d asked T’Challa to send his people to keep an eye on things, but had he also pulled in Charlie too?

Charlie tapped a finger on the steering wheel and I kept looking at him. His lips twitched.

“You’re not going to tell me, are you?” I muttered and he chuckled.

“Nope,” he said and I rolled my eyes. These men and their secrets.

Whatever. I’d just ask Erik about it when he got home.

We were close to the Center now and Charlie tilted his head to look at me while we waited at a red light.

“For real, though,” he said and I looked over at him. “Don’t keep throwing yourself into shit, aight?”

I frowned at him.

“I’m not throwing myself into anything,” I muttered.

“Uh huh,” Charlie said, his eyes drifting to the bruise on my face. “Shit, that nigga’s fist must have come out of nowhere, huh?”

I narrowed my eyes at him and he grinned wider.

“Just saying, ma,” he said, “you keep pulling shit like that? E’s gonna start a new record taking out niggas who too stupid to not fuck with you.”

I stared at him, blinking when he said record.

“You know his other name?” I hedged, and Charlie quirked a brow. 

I realized I had surprised him too.

“You mean Killmonger?” he asked, and I let out a breath. “Shit, yeah, I know about that.”

Charlie inclined his head at me, his eyes studying me.

“Damn, E really did tell you everything, huh?” he asked, and I nodded. “And you stuck around?”

“Obviously,” I said and he snickered and turned to face front as the light changed green.

“How a girl like you, a girl who’s willing to take punches for kids,” He said, sparing me another glance, “how someone like you end up with a guy like Killmonger?”

I looked out the window and didn’t answer. It wasn’t his business, what Erik and I had been through. And at the very least, if Erik was using his old reputation to gain favors and handle things, I didn’t want to mess things up by making him seem soft. I had started learning how reputations alone could carry weight with them, to the point that you really didn’t need to do anything. 

“We like to think we’re complex and unpredictable, but really, when people try to be complex, they become more predictable,” I said. “So even the most complex person can be simply understood. And sometimes, the most predictable person is the one that’s truly unpredictable.”  

Charlie didn’t say anything for a moment, his hand tapping against the steering wheel.

“Sounds like a bullshit way of telling me to mind my own business,” he said finally.

I hummed, keeping my gaze on the passing scenery and Charlie laughed.

We spent the rest of the ride without talking and Charlie turned up the radio to fill the car.

I watched his reflection through the car window and if he noticed, I couldn’t tell.

Even though he claimed to be someone Erik knew, I couldn’t help but wonder….

Would Erik be pissed if he knew I was letting him give me a ride? Or was their relationship the type where Erik trusted him enough not to try anything?

Erik’s protectiveness was something that always made sure guys didn’t mess with me. If someone eyed me too long or even looked like they were going to try anything, Erik was there, setting them straight without me having to do anything.

So how would he feel about me taking a ride with Charlie? I mean, I shouldn't feel guilty about that, right?

We finally rolled up to the Center and I felt relief that I could finally have a way to distract from these nagging thoughts.

As we pulled into the parking lot, Charlie leaned towards me and I tensed.

I raised my phone and made show of unlocking it.

“Speed dial,” I said warningly, and he snickered.

“Chill,” he said and reached over to unlock my door. Couldn’t he have done that from his side?

You know what, I’m not even going to push on it. Instead, I slid out of the car, readjusting my purse on my shoulder.

“Thanks,” I said, looking at him. “You know, for not kidnapping me or anything. Would’ve sucked if this was a trick.”

Charlie shook his head at me, amusement clear in his eyes.

“If you was worried, why did you get in the car?” he asked.

I shrugged and waved my phone again.

“Speed dial,” I repeated, and he laughed.

________________

_Impossible. for a plain yellow pumpkin to become a gold carriage._

_Impossible, for a plain country bumpkin and a prince to join in marriage._

I hummed lightly along with the song as I sat in the auditorium with a group of the younger kids. We were watching the Rodger’s and Hammerstein’s version of Cinderella staring Whitney Houston and Brandy. Something about the diverse cast and a black Cinderella had spoken to me in my childhood.

_But the world is full of zanies and fools_

_Who don’t believe in sensible rules_

_And won’t believe what sensible people say_

Plus, _Impossible_ was one of my favorite songs from the movie. It felt like that song that resonates with you through your whole life. A few of the younger kids were trying to sing along with the movie and I shared an amused glance with Nakia. It was always good for girls to see themselves in all realms, and that included fairy tales.

_And because these daft and dewey-eyed dopes_

_Keep building up impossible hopes,_

_Impossible things are happening everyday_

I glanced over at Shuri, who had rested a gentle hand on the head of a girl who had fallen asleep in her lap. She was their real-life princess and many of them flocked to her with wonder in their eyes. She was another role model for them, another example of what they could be in the world.

I hadn’t let myself dwell too long on the conversation I had with Charlie. It was something I had heard before and I knew it was something I was going to continue to struggle with.

How do you find the balance of helping people and at the same time, letting them live their lives on their own, even if that means they may get hurt?

 “Yo, she’s in here,” I heard a familiar voice say. I tilted my head towards the exit, spotting Malik and Avery. They looked excited, but it was Avery who had spoken.

The older kids had settled in either the gymnasium to play basketball inside or the recreational room to play amongst the choices of video games, pool, cards or whatever game boards they had stocked there. The cafeteria was open with late night snacks and refreshments as the night had winded down.

In fact, I should be helping some of these younger ones to bed pretty soon.

That was my last thought before a figure stepped behind Malik and met my gaze. Even though the auditorium was dim for the movie, the light from the hallway lit up his face perfectly.

I gasped and hopped up, not even embarrassed with how quickly I moved down the steps towards the exit.

Malik and Avery had to hop out of my way so I could throw my arms around his neck and he lifted me with a small laugh.

“Sup, princess?”

The sound of Erik’s voice had me forgetting my plans for being mad with him and I clung to him and buried my face in his neck. His body was solid and warm and real.

And he was home.

“I missed you so much,” I said and breathed deeply, inhaling his familiar scent.  

I had no idea where he’d been for more than two months, but all I could feel was relief when he lowered me back down so he could meet my gaze.

His gold canines flashed as he gave me his familiar smirk and I lifted up to press my lips to his for a kiss. He returned it without hesitation, his arms tightening around my waist.

I heard giggles and snickers and was reminded that we had an audience. Only then did the embarrassment kick in and I felt my face warm when I reluctantly pulled my lips away.

I cleared my throat, my face burning and I patted his chest lightly.

“Welcome back,” I said and he arched a brow at me, amused.

Then his eyes slid across my face and his smirk fell. I realized that the light of the hallway had lit up my face and Erik gently grasped my chin to tilt my head for inspection.

“Who the fuck did that?” he growled, and I tensed.

Shit. I had almost forgotten all about that.

“It’s a long story,” I said softly and his eyes narrowed.

“Someone better start fucking talking then,” he said and I let out a sigh.

Things could never be simple for us, could they?

_____________

Malik, Avery and Nakia had followed us to my office and once the door was closed, Erik settled on the end of my desk and crossed his arms.

He turned his eyes to me, jaw clenching slightly as he got a better look at my face. I had thought it was improving, but I suppose I had been biased because I had looked at it in the mirror every day.

Erik obviously didn’t share my sentiment.

“So, who do I need to fuck up for this?” he asked, his voice calm.

We had all immediately broken into explanations at the same time and he raised a hand for us to quiet. It was making me nervous, that neutral expression on his face. Erik staying calm and controlled meant he was thinking and Lord help whoever he decided to direct that towards.

When we quieted, he turned his gaze to Nakia.

“What happened?” he asked her and I made a small noise.

He spared me a brief glance.

“If I ask you, yo’ ass will make it sound like it’s not a big deal and keep shit out,” he said and I blinked at him. I mean…I wouldn’t…not on purpose…

Erik’s gaze went to Malik and Avery, who shifted under his gaze.

“And ya’ll just add shit that don’t matter,” he said and they glanced at each other and shrugged.  Seem they knew themselves well too.

Erik looked to Nakia, who met his gaze calmly.

“She knows how to keep the shit straight. So, what happened?”

I had to admit it, but Erik was right.  As Nakia recounted the events, she stayed objective, and answered his questions evenly. I fiddled with my vibranium bracelet as I watched his eyes darken as she continued, trying to see if I could figure out what he was thinking.

 When she mentioned Charlie, Erik didn’t seem surprised and I was filled with the relief that I could finally confirm that Erik, did in fact, know who Charlie was. At least my instincts hadn’t been off.

When she finished, we all waited, feeling the tension that was radiating off of him. He didn’t say anything for a second, brows furrowed as he glared at a spot on the wall behind Nakia’s head.

Finally, Erik looked over at Malik again, who tensed when he met his gaze.

“Yo’ pops still around?” he asked, and Malik shook his head.

“He tried coming back later that night, but your friend Charlie was there and spooked him away. He hasn’t been back since.”

I looked at Malik, startled. 

Oh, so when Erik asked, all of a sudden, he was a fountain of information? Only Charlie had confirmed for me that Reggie was around, even if he wasn’t going after Malik. Whenever I asked Malik where Reggie was, he was evasive and told me not to worry about it.

Malik purposely avoided my gaze and my eyes narrowed slightly.

Fine. Be that way.

“Erik,” I said and he shook his head at me.

“Nah, Imma deal with you in a minute,” he said and I raised my brows.

Deal with me? What the hell?

I glanced at Nakia and she inclined her head at me. She had said Erik wouldn’t be happy, but damn, I didn’t think it’d be _me_ he was angry with.

Erik was tapping a hand against his bicep, his arms still crossed.

“He show up, lemme know, aight?” he said to Malik and Malik nodded.

 “I ain’t playin’, lil’ nigga. He show up, I wanna know,” Erik said and Malik nodded again.

“Words,” Erik said calmly, and Malik glanced at me.

I gave him a look and crossed my arms.

Don’t look at me, kiddo.

“Aight, E,” Malik said, returning his gaze to Erik. “I’ll let you know.”

Erik nodded and then motioned towards the door.

“Ya’ll go on,” he said and Malik and Avery spared me a glance before leaving.

Was it me, or did they almost look sorry for me?

Nakia studied Erik for a moment and he just looked back at her.

“*Ukucaphuka kwakhe akunakukunceda,” she said and Erik frowned, his arms still crossed.

Nakia waved a hand at me, her brows furrowed.

“*Wayekunzima ngokwaneleyo ekungabikho kwakho,” she said firmly and Erik kissed his teeth at her.

“Shit, I know, woman,” he snapped and she narrowed her eyes slightly. “Chill, I got this.”

Nakia sighed and shook her head, before turning to leave. She glanced at me with a smile.

“Don’t let him rile you, Shae,” she said and Erik rolled his eyes. “If he becomes angry it is because he cares.”

“Aint’ you got kids to watch?” Erik snapped at her and she shot him a mild look over her shoulder.

With one last nod to me she left us, closing the door behind her.

__________________

Translations

*Getting angry with her won’t help.

*She had it hard enough in your absence.


	5. Chapter 5

** Chapter 5 **

Erik’s stillness was putting me on edge and I knew that _he_ knew that. Which meant that he was too angry to care at the moment.  His eyes were trained on the bruise on my face, his finger still tapping a rhythm on his arm.

He was wearing one of his typical outfits that he wore when he was traveling home from a mission. A long-sleeved black t-shirt that was stretched tight, a pair of cargo pants and combat boots. A few of his dreads hung loose over his forehead, brushing lightly against his eyebrows. His father’s ring hung around his neck on a golden chain, something that he carried with him no matter where he went.

My fingers were still fiddling with the bracelet, trying to find an outlet for my nervous energy. For me, it was the only accessory that I carried with me, a constant reminder of the man I loved.

Who currently seemed frozen to the spot, his dark eyes continuing to study me as I fidgeted under his gaze.

“Your hair has gotten longer,” I said lightly, and I saw his brow twitch. “I can re-dread it for you, if you want?”

Erik didn’t say anything and I tried another tactic.

“Have you been lifting weights while you were gone? You look good! I mean you always look good, you know? Like you’re cut from marble or something, I don’t know how you…”

“Shae,” Erik said, cutting of my words. “What did I fucking tell you?”

I frowned at him, confused.

“What do you mean?” I asked and his eyes narrowed.

“I told you not to start shit. Why the fuck did you…”

His words cut off and he finally uncrossed his arms to rub his hands through his dreads.

“Shit, what the fuck were you thinking messing with that nigga like that? On your fucking own?”

I tensed, finally finding the anger that I had been putting off.

“Well sorry,” I snapped. “Kind of lost it when I saw him smacking Malik around like that.”

Erik looked at me and I lifted my chin.

“He was hitting him Erik, his own son, like he didn’t care that he…”

“It ain’t your fight…”

“These kids don’t have anyone else to fight for them,” I said.

“Goddamn it, Shae,” Erik snapped, “how many fucking times I gotta tell you? You can’t save all these kids, that aint’ your job.” 

Erik never yelled when we argued, but that didn’t matter. He could convey a lot in his voice even without raising it.

I was the more emotional one and I felt tears well in my eyes as my anger built. I hated that I cried whenever I was angry.

“This is their life and they know that. This place, the shit you do here, that’s gotta be enough.”

“But that’s not fair,” I said, wiping at the few tears that escaped. “It’s not fair that they don’t have anyone to protect them.”

“Life ain’t fucking fair, ma,” Erik said. “They know that better than anyone.”

I pressed my lips together and didn’t say anything.

Erik frowned at me and motioned towards my face.

“You got fucking lucky this time, Shae. What if that nigga had a piece on him? What if Charlie hadn’t shown up?”

I had been dwelling on those thoughts and I hated that he guessed that.

“I ain’t gonna always be here,” he said and I snorted, wrapping my arms around myself.

“You’re not here anyway,” I said, and Erik stilled, looking at me.

I tensed and swallowed.

Shit, I didn’t mean to say that. Sure, it did bother me that he had to work so much, but that wasn’t fair to bring in a new argument.

“I didn’t mean it like that,” I said and winced, feeling like that wasn’t adequate.

_It’s his duty. It’s his job…_

“Don’t get me wrong,” I said,” I don’t want you to stop what you’re doing…”

“Yes, you do,” he said and I shook my head, insistently. “Yes, you do, Shae.”

“No, I…”

“Say what you mean, Shae.”

“It’s just hard, ok!”

I realized I had raised my voice and took a deep breath to calm down. Erik kept watching me, still leaning against my desk.

“I’m doing my best, ok? I know I’m not some super fighting genius like you or Nakia or T’Challa…”

“You ain’t gotta be. Why you comparing to that?”

Erik was gazing at me, his brows furrowed. It was that expression he wore when he was trying to understand me, trying to figure out what I was thinking.

“You guys are all out there, making these huge impacts and I’m just trying to keep up…”

“So, it’s a competition?” he asked, frowning at me.

“No! I don’t…that’s not…”

“Say what you mean,” he repeated, interrupting me.

I paused to collect my thoughts and he waited, dark eyes still watching me.

“Sometimes, I hear the stories, hear what these kids go through and I think to myself, ‘Is this what it was like for Erik?’ I know it’s not the same, but the fact that they know what it’s like to be limited in the world, to feel like you have to grow up too soon….” 

Erik didn’t move, just kept looking at me.

“And Malik, God, it’s just like watching my cousin Ty and my uncle Jerry all over again…”

I had to wipe at the frustrated tears as they fell, glaring at a spot on my desk as the words came tumbling out. I let out another breath.

“And I may not be as smart as you or as strong…”

“Shae...”

I shook my head at him and gave him a look. Erik frowned, but grew silent.

“I’m not the smartest or bravest, but I am good at this. I know it’s not seen as much anymore, but I care about people. I always have, ever since I was little. People always made of fun of me, said I was too sensitive or too special….”

Erik knew my family history, knew these stories and he kept quiet as I vented. His posture had shifted slightly, not as tense anymore and he had dropped his arms.

I met his gaze and slid my hand to wrap around the bracelet at my wrist.

“But I had to deal with that, had to work to accept that it’s just who I am. You know I can’t just turn my back when someone needs me. And it’s going to hurt when something happens or when I can’t save someone…And when I saw Malik and his dad, I just…I know, I broke your rule, but…”

I let out a weak laugh and waved my hands.

“But what else was I supposed to do?”

I nudged my glasses out of the way, so I could wipe at my eyes with the sleeves of my sweater.  

“Something happens to you, what do you think those kids are gonna do?”

The question had me looking up, and Erik met my gaze evenly. When I didn’t answer, he titled his head slightly.

“You so busy talking about what you gonna do and who you gonna protect,” he said. “How you think those kids gonna feel if something happens to you because of them?”

I blinked at him, opening and closing my mouth.

Oh…Well…

“Nah, see, you didn’t think of that, did you?” he said, shaking his head. “That’s what I’m talking about.”

I suddenly thought of Malik, of the guilt that had lingered in his eyes after that night. I had spent every chance I could to convince that he was fine, that what had happened wasn’t his fault, but it was still there.

 It had been selfish of me to ignore that fear and guilt when he’d been trying to pull me away. I had been so angry, so ready to leap at his father that I hadn’t thought about how he would have felt if something worse had happened.

Hit with this realization I turned my face away, focusing on a spot on the wall.

“It ain’t just about you, Shae,” Erik said and I could feel his gaze on me. “You ain’t the only one looking out for these kids. You ain’t the only one who’s sticking out for them.”

I didn’t answer and Erik stepped forward, turning me to face him by my chin. His grip was gentle but firm.

“What I tell you ‘bout trying to fix everyone?” he asked, holding my gaze. “The kids gotta grow up, without you always there ready to take a hit for them. You always telling people to trust you and shit, start trusting them.”

This was another reason why I missed him. Erik loved me, but he never hesitated to call me out when I was wrong or to pull me out from thinking too hard about something. I had a habit of getting wrapped up in my head, forgetting how my choices impacted other people.

“You hear me?” he asked and I nodded, slowly.

“Shae,” he said and I let out a breath.

“Yes,” I said softly and he dropped his hand, satisfied.

I stepped forward and he shifted so I could press my forehead to his chest and slide my arms around his waist. I took in a breath, relaxing when he wrapped his arms around me.

“I’m sorry,” I said softly. “I’ll be more careful.”

“No, you won’t,” he muttered and I titled my head back to meet his gaze. 

He gave me a look and I fidgeted.

“Ok,” I amended, “I’ll _try_ to be more careful.”

“I ain’t playing with you, Shae,” he said, his hands dropping to my waist.

“I know,” I mumbled, plucking lightly at his shirt. He swatted my ass and I yelped and glared at him.

He glared back and I huffed.

“I know, ok? I promise won’t start fights with anyone again, ok?”

“And?”

I resisted the urge to roll my eyes.

“And if someone starts anything, I’ll go get help instead of trying to do it alone.”

“Because?”

I stared at him and he retuned my gaze evenly.

“Seriously?” I asked, exasperated.

“Deadass.”

He was so obnoxious sometimes.

“Because when you tell me to do something, you mean that shit,” I finished.

Erik smirked and nodded.

“Good girl,” he said and leaned forward to press a kiss to my lips. “You broke my rule, baby girl. So, how you going to make it up to me?”

I huffed and took a step back, leaning away from his next kiss. He frowned at me. 

“Make it up to _you_?” I asked and shook my head. “Uh uh. You were gone for two whole months cause you ‘went dark’ and not only that, no one told me where you were or if you were ok. And you know how much I worry, but you couldn’t figure out how to send an email or even a text that just says ‘Hey, still alive?’”

I planted my hands on my hips and gave him a stern look.

“So really, what you should be asking is how are _you_ going to make it up to _me_?”

Erik stared at me for a moment, before he stalked towards me. He backed me up until I hit my office door and I had to tilt my head up to meet his gaze.

“It’s like that?” he asked and I nodded, feeling the familiar warmth bloom in my belly at the look in his eyes. “Aight, bet.”

Erik crushed his lips to mine, his hand coming up to tilt my head back as his tongue dominated mine. I moaned when his tongue slid into my mouth and he pressed himself more fully against me. I could feel every familiar hard ridge and solid muscle and I reached up to slide my hands along his shoulders.

Erik pulled his lips away but immediately began to drop open mouthed kisses along my neck and I titled my head to allow him better access. I reached my hands up, my fingers tangling in his dreads, my body shuddering when he dragged his tongue across the racing pulse in my neck.

A sudden loud knock had me jumping and I involuntarily let out a small yelp of surprise.

“Miss Shae!” a small voice said, “Miss Shae!”

“Don’t open it,” Erik growled in my ear and I hesitated.

The voice sounded like it was Kelly, one of my youngest regulars. She was adorable and sweet and sounded like she was very upset.  

“Miss Shae!” she wailed again and I bit my lip, peering at Erik pleadingly. He knew I couldn’t say no when one of them was crying.

“Miss Shae!”

Erik cursed and stepped away from me, scowling at the door. I shot him a grateful look and shifted so I could open it.

As soon as I turned the knob, Kelly came bursting into the room, with Lyon, her older brother by a year, right on her heels. 

“Miss Shae,” she said, “Lyon said I have to sleep in the closet because I snore and I don’t and…”

 “No, I didn’t, she’s lyin’,” he accused and glared at her, “you big cry baby.”

“No, I'm not,” Kelly said, but as soon as the words left her mouth, she promptly burst into tears.

 “Damn it, I told ya’ll to leave Miss Shae alone!”

Alani came in the room, followed by her friend Kiki. Kiki was Alani’s age and they had grown close from their time at the Outreach Center together.

“Language, Alani,” I said, and she pursed her lips at me. 

“She’s the one who came in here,” Lyon said and went over to grab Kelly.

She wasn’t having it and immediately ran to me, throwing her arms around my waist and burying her face in my stomach as she kept crying.

“See what you did,” Alani told Lyon and he scowled at her.

Erik was pinching the bridge of his nose and shaking his head.

“It’s not my fault!”

“Yes, it is, why you always gotta mess with her? What kind of big brother are you?”

 “Shut up! Who asked you stupid…” 

“Don’t call her stupid,” Kiki said, and Lyon turned his angry gaze to her.

“Miss Shae,” Kelly wailed, “I don’t want to sleep in the closet!”

“Don’t tell me what to…”

“That’s enough,” I said, raising my voice loud enough to be heard over the bickering.

They all paused and turned to look at me. I had raised a hand and let out a breath as I lowered it.

Business as usual, it seemed.

“Lyon, Kelly is your younger sister and you know how she’s afraid of small spaces,” I said and he opened his mouth to protest. I raised my hand again and he closed his mouth. “Either way, you’re her big brother, you need to look out for her and not scare her, ok?”

He hesitated and glanced over at Erik. He was one of the kids that liked to follow him around and it was slightly amusing to see him looking to Erik for approval. Erik quirked a brow at him and nodded towards me.

“You heard her, lil’ nigga,” he said and I groaned internally. I wish he’d stop calling all of them that. Gender neutral he had said and I hadn’t come up with an adequate rebuttal to that.

“Ok, Miss Shae,” he said turning back to face me. I smiled at him, then shifted my gaze to Alani and Kiki.

“I appreciate you two looking out for them,” I said, “but you have to remember to lead by example. You’re the older ones and they’re going to make mistakes. Try to be a bit more patient with them.”

“Ok, Miss Shae,” they said in unison, looking slightly contrite.

I titled my head down so I could gently pull Kelly away from me so I could meet her gaze.

“Kelly, sweetie, no one is going to put you in the closet, ok?” I said and she sniffled. “Your big brother is very sorry that he scared you like that, right?”

I gave a pointed look to Lyon and he blinked before nodding.

“Yeah, Kelly, I’m sorry,” Lyon said and she peeked at him. “Really, you can sleep next to me,” he offered.

“Really?” she asked and took a step towards him, wiping her nose.

“Yeah,” he said, extending his hand for her. After another sniffle she reached over and grabbed it, smiling slightly.

Then she turned to me with pleading eyes.

“Can we sleep in your office with you, Miss Shae?” she asked and I blinked at her.

“Oh, that’d be so dope, Miss Shae!” Alani said, “Can we sleep in here with you too?”

“Well, everyone is sleeping in the auditorium, remember? That’s where the beds are getting setup,” I said.

“But it’s so crowded in there! And you have a tv in here and books and we could tell each other stories and…”

Alani was growing excited at the idea and her suggestions was making the other kids nod along with her.

“She’s going home,” Erik said suddenly and their eyes went to him.  “Ya’ll need to go back to the auditorium.”

I frowned at him and Erik’s eyes met mine. I blinked at the look in them and felt my face heat.

Ah, he had intentions of finishing what we started and home is the only place where we wouldn’t be interrupted.

I opened my mouth to tell him I couldn’t just leave, when I saw Kelly drop Lyon’s hand, her gaze intent on Erik. I closed my mouth and watched her curiously.

Kelly stepped away from Lyon and approached Erik, stopping until she was directly in front of him. Erik’s gaze drifted down to meet hers and they stared at one another for a second.

Erik’s expression was blank as he looked down at her, and Kelly began pouting, her lower lip poking out and trembling slightly. Erik’s eyes narrowed slightly, but he didn’t say anything. She began making a small whimpering noise and her eyes filled with tears as he kept looking at her. Still, Erik only furrowed his brows slightly and said nothing.

It was only when a few tears spilled over and she reached up her arms for him, did Erik finally break.

“Damnit,” he muttered and bent down to pick her up. She smiled at him and wrapped her arms around his neck to hug him. “Spoiled ass.”

“Nice going, Kelly, “Alana enthused and Kiki and Lyon hummed in agreement.

I stared at Erik as he shifted Kelly in his grip, overwhelmed by an odd feeling. He was handling her gently and let her press a wet kiss to his cheek. He rolled his eyes and she giggled, but his lips twitched in amusement. I rubbed a hand across my chest, blinking at the sight.

It wasn’t the first time I’d seen him interact with the kids at the Center, and while he was still his usual direct and gruff self, there was a natural gentleness that came from him when he was handling the younger ones. Even with the older ones, he knew how to be patient when they messed up, especially in the engineering workshops he would sometimes lead. And although I wouldn’t go for his more…. direct approach, I could see how determined the kids look when he’d challenge them to keep trying, not taking their excuses when they’d want to give up.

_He’d make a good father._

The thought startled me and I blinked, shaking my head slightly. I didn’t know what to do with that thought or the feeling, so I focused on the task at hand.

“Ok, you guys,” I said, and their eyes turned to me, “let’s get your guys stuff moved in here for the night.”

“Yes!”

Alani and Kiki raced out the room and Kelly wiggled so that Erik had to put her down. Lyon grasped her hand and they ran after Alani and Kiki out the door.

“Don’t run!” I called and sighed, knowing they probably didn’t hear or likely wouldn’t listen.

They were a handful, but seeing how excited they were to spend time with me was heartwarming. Speaking of heartwarming…

I glanced over at Erik, who had slid his hands into his pockets, his face looking resigned as he glared at the empty doorway.

_Would he want…_

He must have felt my gaze, because his eyes met mine and he quirked a brow when I kept staring at him.

“What?” he asked.

_He’s a good protector and provider…._

I felt suddenly nervous and nudged my glasses up the bridge of my nose.

 “N-nothing,” I said and winced at how my voice stuttered. Why was I so nervous?

Erik frowned at me.

“What’s wrong with you?” he asked, eying me suspiciously.

I shook my head and went for the door, trying to calm myself down.

What _was_ wrong with me?

“Nothing,” I repeated, my voice steadier.  “Are you going to stay?”

Erik huffed and moved to follow me. He seemed willing to let my odd behavior go.

“Ain’t got shit else to do,” he muttered and I smiled at him.

“You can still make it up to me later,” I said and Erik smirked at me.

“Don’t worry about that, princess,” he said and I bit my lip as his eyes swept over me. “I got you.”

 


	6. Chapter 6

 

“Uh uh,” Erik said and I peeked at him from the warm cocoon I had buried myself in under the covers, “wake yo’ ass up.”

I groaned as he yanked the covers off me. I was only wearing a thin night shirt with my silk scarf wrapped around my braids. The morning after the lock-in, I had slipped upstairs as soon as we got home and changed. Erik had gotten distracted with a phone call and I had hoped it would keep him busy enough until I could drift to sleep.

I loved those kids, I really did, but I was glad to be home. I had already had a long day before the lock-in and staying up all night to look after them had worn me out. I figured I could slip in a nap to help ease my exhaustion. That way, when I had the energy, I could properly welcome him home. Should have figured Erik wasn’t going to be that patient.

“Erik,” I whined and tried tugging the covers back. He didn’t let me, and I huffed. “Babe, I’m tired.”

 “Yo’ fault for doing too much with them kids,” he said, looking down at me. “Letting them run you all night.”

“It’s my job,” I said and made a noise of protest when he rolled me over, so he could brace himself above me. “Please, just one quick nap.”

Since starting my new job, I had dived in deep, just like I always did with the things I loved doing. And with Erik going on his trips, it sometimes made it easier for me to get lost in my work, staying long hours, doing home visits for some kids, volunteering any chance I could.

Erik watched as I gave one big yawn and shook his head.

“Damn, Shae,” he said, watching as my eyes drooped. “When’s the last time you took off?”

I furrowed my brows in confusion, still trying to keep my eyes open.

“Hmm?” I asked and gave another yawn.

“Work,” he emphasized. “You been working all them shifts again?”

“You know with the Arts Program taking off they’ve needed a lot more help and…”

“That ain’t what I asked you,” he interrupted, and I pursed my lips at him.

“Yes,” I sighed, and he pinched my side. “Ow!”

“What I tell you ‘bout doing too much?” he growled, and I huffed.

“It’s my job and I don’t’ mind the work…”

“You can take days off…”

“And it’s not like you’re at home most of the time anyway,” I finished.

We stared at each other, Erik still braced above me, his brows furrowed. He was frowning at me and I felt a flicker of guilt.

His absence wasn’t his fault and technically, I had been just as busy attending to my duties too. It wasn’t fair to put all my frustration with how distant we had been on him.

“Just give me like, twenty minutes,” I said, and he just looked at me. “Just one quick nap, please?”

“Two months,” Erik responded, and I could see the heat in his eyes. “Two fucking months.”

Well, that wasn’t really my fault, was it?

Erik’s eyes narrowed, as if he could sense what I was thinking.

“I promise, just give me….

My words cut off with a loud yawn and I reached up a hand to cover my mouth. Erik shook his head and rolled over to lay down next to me.

“This is some bullshit,” he muttered, and I shifted to my side to snuggle up next to him.

“I’m sorry, baby,” I said and pressed a kiss to his cheek. “Thank you!”

Erik just kissed his teeth but slid his arm around me to tuck me into his side. I dropped my head onto his chest, a small smile forming on my face. I fell into slumber quickly, aided by the familiar solidness and warmth of his body. 

_________________________________

I was having a wonderful dream.

 

It had tingles of pleasure skittering across my body and the sensations had my fingers curling into the bed sheets.  My senses were picking things up slowly, like the cool air on my skin and the wetness between my legs. But the clearest thing I could feel was the mouth that was working furiously at my core.

 

“Oh,” I moaned at the feeling of his tongue thrusting into me, stroking along the slick walls of my pussy.

 

This definitely wasn’t a dream and it seemed like my nap was over.

 

Erik’s hands were warm where they gripped my thighs, strong fingers pressing lightly into the skin. He had propped my legs on his broad shoulders, and I could feel the flex of those muscles every time he shifts slightly.

 

When his agile tongue twists inside me, burying deep as if he’s trying to taste the very essence of me, I cry out, my back arching. I move my grip to his hair, tugging lightly at the soft locs as they tangle in my fingers.

 

“Right there,” I gasped, when his tongue stroked along my clit. “Oh baby, right there.”

 

He hummed, and I shuddered at the vibrations, whimpering when he wrapped his lips around my clit and sucked lightly.

 

“Erik,” I moaned and tilted my head to the side, my lips falling open to let out a few more cries as he continued sucking lightly. “I’m gonna cum.”

 

He kept his lips wrapped around the bundle of nerves but stroked it hard with a flick of his tongue. I came with a shout, my release coating his tongue as he continued lapping at me.

 

I’m still trembling slightly when he shifts again to let two fingers stroke down the swollen lips of my pussy. His tongue is still tracing a light circle around my clit, not pressing, but keeping me primed. When he plunges those two fingers into me, I let out a cry and throw my head back against my pillow, my fingers still twisting in his hair.

 

The calloused pads of his fingers stroked along my inner walls and then curled upward to stroke along that spot inside me. It had me clenching my legs around his head and he pulled his lips away to nip at my inner thigh lightly.

 

“Keep them legs open,” he commanded, his head titled so I could finally meet the deep depth of his eyes. His face shines with my juices, coating his beard and is a testament to his focused efforts to drag every ounce of pleasure from me.

 

I slid my hands down to grip at my thighs and he smirked at me, pleased. His eyes drifted down to watch as he continued pumping his fingers into me.

 

“Got this pussy gushin for me,” he murmured and did a quick swipe of his tongue across my clit, making me jump slightly. “Taste so fucking good.”

 

He paused to let a third finger slip in and I whimpered, my walls stretching to accommodate. I start rocking my hips against his hand, my lips parted as sounds of pleasure fall from my lips.

 

“You gonna cum for me again, princess?” he asked and nipped at my thigh again. I had missed the sound of his deep voice, the bass sending tremors skittering down my spine.

  
His fingers were moving faster now, and I was bucking my hips, my head thrown back as he worked me towards that edge again.  

 

“Yes,” I gasped, the wet sounds of his fingers fucking me filling my ears. My heart was pounding, my body strung tight, ready to find that glorious release.

 

He leaned forward to press his tongue against me again, lazily tracing a familiar pattern. It was just what I needed, and I screamed his name as I came, my muscled walls clamping tight around his still thrusting fingers.

 

“Ah!” I gasped, my hands reaching up to grip the pillow under my head as I kept bucking my hips. When he kept moving his hand, I had to reach down and grip his wrist, trying to stop his motions. He chuckled and eased up, sliding his fingers out of me. I could hear him sucking on them as I stared up at the ceiling, trying to catch my breath.

 

Erik had tugged my nightshirt up while I had still been lost in my sleep, something I hadn’t noticed before. I tugged it the rest of the way up and off of me, tossing it to the side of the bed.

 

He pressed a kiss to my stomach, his facial hair tickling me slightly. He let his tongue drag up to dip into my belly button then moved up, slowly. He paused every now again to nip lightly at the flesh or stroke his fingers on a sensitive spot that had me squirming. When he reached my breasts, he leaned over me slightly and gave them both a firm squeeze. He kneaded them gently and I whimpered. He knew how sensitive my breasts could be and I thrust them forward, watching as he smirked down at me.

 

“You awake now?” he teased, pinching my nipples lightly.

 

“Mm hmm,” I answered and he chuckled.

 

Holding my gaze, he lowered his lips down to press a kiss to the swell of my right breast, before tilting his head to capture a nipple in his mouth. He swirled his tongue around it as he sucked, his other hand tweaking the hardened peak of its neglected twin.

 

I bit my lip and watched as he sucked harder. My pussy throbbed, and I groaned. When he pulled his lips away, my breast glistened with his saliva and he wetly dragged his tongue across the valley between my breasts to the next one, repeating the motions until I was arching my back slightly. I stroked my fingers against the faded sides of his hair, the aching need between my legs growing stronger each time he sucked.

 

Erik released my breast from his mouth and I eagerly slid my hand to cup the back of his head and draw him forward for a deep kiss. His full lips slanted along mine, his tongue probing deep, conveying unspoken feelings with the pleasure of our bodies, the stroke of tongues, the press of soft lips.

 

With one last nip to my bottom lip, he pulled away and shifted so he was leaning back on his heels, his grip on my thighs ensuring that my legs would stay parted for him.

 

He had undressed while I was still asleep, and I let my gaze roam his figure hungrily. Erik was always a sight to behold, his body forged through training and combat, the muscles hard and defined under his brown skin. My fingers itched to caress the keloids scars along his hard pectorals and the planes of his stomach and trace a pattern on the hard muscles of his arms. 

 

“Fuck, I missed you,” he murmured, his eyes sweeping over me.

 

“I missed you too,” I told him, letting my eyes drift back up from my exploration to meet his. “I dreamed about you.”

 

“Yeah?” he murmured and reached down to kiss me again, bracing himself on one arm. “Dreaming about this dick, huh?”

 

I rolled my eyes and laughed lightly, even as I felt my face warm. Typical.

 

“They weren’t just about sex, Erik,” I said and sighed as he kept placing light kisses along my neck. “Though those were nice.”

 

“Nice?” he asked, stopping his motions. He pulled back so he could meet my gaze again. “The fuck you mean ‘nice’?”

 

I tilted my head at him, confused by the annoyance in his tone.

 

“Well they were,” I said and reached a hand to stroke lightly along his beard and shrugged. “They were pleasant.”

 

Erik just frowned at me, his brows furrowed. I blinked at him, a small grin forming.

 

“How could that possibly annoy you?” I asked, feeling a sense of exasperated amusement.

 

“I’m fucking you in those dreams?” he asked, and I nodded. “And they were just ‘nice’?”

 

I stared at him and then started giggling. His eyes narrowed, and I had to cover my mouth to stifle the laughter as it grew.

 

Oh my God, he could be so extra sometimes. Apparently, he hadn’t liked the use of that particular adjective to describe his performance. Even if it had just been in a dream.

 

Erik rolled his tongue in the side of his mouth before nodding to himself.

 

“You are so silly,” I said, feeling him line himself up with me. “Seriously, baby, it was just a few nice dreams.”

 

“Keep saying that fucking word, ma,” he growled at me.

 

I could feel the tip of him pushing in slightly and I bit my lip at the warning look in his eyes. Erik could be petty and I knew if I kept pushing it, he’d get back at me. I had missed this too. I smiled and tapped his nose.

 

“There’s nothing wrong with a nice dream, Erik, “I said as he gazed down at me. “Halfway through, it helps put me right to sleep.”

 

I expected him to say something smart or pull away, but he didn’t. Instead, with one look, filled with a heated promise, he thrust forward.

 

I cried out as he filled me, my nails digging into his arms.

 

Had he always been this big?

 

I felt like I was being stretched all over again, whimpering as he pushed in until he bottomed out inside me. My legs were shaking around his waist and I shifted my hips, my walls clenching tight around him.

 

“Fuck,” I gasped, throwing my head back. “Oh fuck.”

 

Erik reached a hand to my chin, tilting my head to meet his gaze. He licked his lips as his eyes swept over me, before meeting mine again. 

 

“You forgot who’s running shit, huh, baby girl?” he asked and I swallowed.

 

Yeah, I was grateful I got to take that nap. I had a feeling I wasn’t going to get anymore sleep for the rest of the night.

 

I licked my lips and just looked at him. He smirked and dropped his hand, steadying his position above me. His strokes started slow, but my pussy still fluttered around him, still adjusting to his size. I could do slow. Slow helped my brain to catch up and gave my body more time to adjust to him.

 

The pleasure spreads along my body slowly and I reach up to curl my hands under my pillow, holding his gaze as he braces himself above me. He continues moving at a slow pace, his strokes shallow, barely pressing into me.

 

The motions feel good, but I’m starting to want more and my fingers clench into the soft material. Those full lips curve up into a smirk, heated amusement in his eyes, but he keeps his unhurried pace. I can tell that it’s taking his self-control though, can see the tension in arms, feel the controlled movement of his hips.

 

He tilts his head down to capture my lips and I return his kiss eagerly, noticing how he doesn’t press his weight against me. I moved my hands to slide along his broad shoulders, trying to urge him down to me, but he doesn’t budge.

 

Instead, he continues to kiss me, his tongue dancing lightly along mine. Even with these slow strokes, I can hear how wet I am, can feel how easily he can slide in and out of me.

 

His tongue licks lightly at my bottom lip, drawing it into his mouth to bite gently before releasing. Then he thrusts deep and I let out a groan. He does it again and his hips start to move faster.

 

Finally!

 

He’s still braced on his arms and my legs still wrapped around his waist as his hips snap against mine. The sensations are getting stronger, my body accepting him more and yet, it’s still not enough. I’m moaning loudly now, and that smirk is still on his lips as his dark eyes watch me.

 

It feels so good, but I need more. The pleasure is there, right in the pit of my lower belly. I squeeze my legs tighter around him, rocking my hips up to meet him. 

 

If he would just…. right there….

 

He shifts his hips, keeping his deep stroke from hitting that sweet spot inside me.

 

“Erik,” I beg. “Please, I….”

 

He rolls his hips, a skilled move that has him hitting close, but not quite there.

 

Fuck.

 

“What’s wrong, baby girl?” he grunts when I scratch my fingers down his stomach. “Ain’t this shit nice?”

 

Petty. So, fucking petty.

 

“Please, Erik,” I plead when he does it again, “please, please…”

 

He loves it when I beg, and I know I’m going to be doing a lot of it tonight.

 

He shifted his stance so that one strong arm is braced against the headboard, and thrusts deep inside me, seeming to have every intention of going as deep as possible as he fucks me. My hand moves to scratch along his broad back and I’m sure I’m making new scars. But Erik has a high pain tolerance and I’m not sure he even cares.

 

The pleasure is overwhelming, but he won’t let me cum, backing off just enough that I’m right on the edge.

 

I’m still sensitive from my other orgasms and it feels like sensuous torture to be this close, but not quite there. I have to marvel at the fact that he hasn’t cum yet. But there’s a lot of things Erik can do that I still can’t quite comprehend.

 

A hard clap to my ass has me crying out, my legs tightening around his waist and my pussy clenching him tight.  His grip on the headboard tightens even more and he groans, his dick twitching inside me. But his strokes are still steady, still rough and deep, showing no sign of reaching his peak yet.

 

“Erik,” I sobbed, my throat raw,” baby, please….”

 

My back is arched, my breasts pressed flush against his chest. His scars are rubbing across my skin and the sensation seems almost too much.

 

Erik shifts his position and tugs my legs from around his waist.

 

“Grab the headboard,” he commands, and I obey, knowing now isn’t the time to challenge him.

 

I want that release and I’d do anything he says to get it. He chuckles at my quick compliance, knowing he has me.

 

His grips me by the back of my knees, pushing my legs to my chest, making sure to keep my legs spread so I can see him when he begins rocking into me again.

 

It doesn’t take him long to find his quick pace again and my grip tightens on the headboard, trying to remember to take in deep breaths. My breasts are bouncing with each brutal thrust and his eyes are drawn to the sight. 

 

I’m too focused on what I can see between my legs. I can see him sliding in and out of me, can see the cream of my pussy coating his dick, can see the veins of his length as it disappears inside of me.

 

“Making a fucking mess, baby girl,” he says, and spreads my legs further apart.

 

He’s not letting up, and I can see the flex of his hips as he keeps thrusting deep, his dick stroking along the slicked muscled walls of my pussy, not hitting that spot, but stroking close enough. It’s almost painful now and all I need is for him to tilt his hips….

 

“Erik, I can’t,” I beg, feeling the strain in my arms as I try to keep my grip, “baby, it’s too much….”

 

“You love this shit, princess,” he growls at me and my pussy clenches as he lifts his dark eyes to meet mine. “Love it when I fuck you like this.”

 

He’s right. My pussy has soaked the sheets beneath us, and his dick is sliding in and out of me slickly. The squelching noises fill the air, combined with the crack of the headboard against the wall and the slapping of flesh each time he slams into me. His pace is rough, giving me no room to move away and I have to take each powerful thrust, each deep stroke as he pushes into me.

 

This is what I want when he gets home, what I always want when Erik’s away for so long. It’s rough and borders on being too much as he pushes into my body, testing to see how much I can take. That’s not to say that I don’t like it when he’s gentler with me, when he makes love to me and his movements are slow and sweet.

 

But I know Erik’s work is dangerous. I know he’s put into situations that test his skills and no matter how many times he assures me he’ll be fine, I worry. He had been away for a long time before, but he had never “gone dark” this long.

 

And when I can feel his powerful body moving above me, placing my body in whatever position he wants, when I can see the control in his movements to keep himself from reaching his peak as he focuses on me….

  
It’s almost like Erik is showing me, in this physical sense, what he’s capable of, the power and strength behind his body, to show me that I have nothing to worry about. He’s in control and I submit to it eagerly, letting him dominate my body, pushing me just on the very edge of what I can take.

 

I’m panting, my voice too weak to make any louder noises at this point, and I release my grip on the headboard to wrap around him and tug him down to me for a kiss.

 

Erik’s eyes meet mine and I know he can see it in my eyes—my relief, my pleasure, my fear. I know he can see the love I have for him, that I will always have for him.

 

He leaned down, crushing his lips against mine, moving to brace on his forearms to balance himself, and slipped his tongue into my mouth as he kisses me deeply.

 

More than anything, it’s a reminder that we’re both alive and every sensation, every groan, every harsh breath and thrust of his hips reminds me that Erik has come home to me, has come back to my arms, safe and very, very much alive.

 

I’d take anything he’d give me. Fucking or love making, I’d take it, take every sensation, every physical evidence he can give to show that he loves me.

 

And that he’s happy to come home to me too.

 

His hips had slowed slightly, and I wrap my arms around his neck as he settled his weight more fully on top of me.

 

Erik rolled his hips and I pulled my lips away to drop my head back against the bed, moaning.

 

“Yo’ ass is getting spoiled,” he muttered, and pressed his thumb against my neglected clit, “making a nigga change his mind.”

 

I would have laughed, knowing he’d just admitted that he had plans for pushing me a bit longer, stretching it out before he was willing to let me cum again.

  
I would have, except I was too busy screaming, my spine arching as dropped my hands to claw at the sheets.

 

“Go ahead, baby girl,” he grunted, feeling my walls clench tight around him, “go ahead and cum for me.”

 

“Erik, fuck, yes, Erik!” I screamed, my body convulsing as he rolled my clit again and finally pushed me over the edge. I’d like to describe the sensation as something poetic, but my brain cells aren’t working like that right now.

 

It just felt really fucking good.

 

He was still rolling my swollen clit, gently rubbing it so that another orgasm swept over me, swallowing me until my vision blurred, my heart pounding in my ears. I heard him groan when I squeezed him tight again and felt his dick twitch inside.

 

“Fuck, Shae,” he groaned and bit down into my neck as he came.

 

Thank God I had never fallen off the schedule with birth control. I gasped as I felt him fill me and my body went limp as I dropped my limbs from around him, my body still shaking. He was still rubbing at my clit and I squirmed, overloaded by the sensations.

 

“Too much,” I whimpered.

 

Erik smirked, but to my relief, pulled his hand away. He slid out of me and dropped another quick sloppy kiss against my lips before rolling off me. When he settled next to me, he slid a hand through his dreads as he looked at me. I tilted my head at him, still breathing heavily and he gave me a pointed look.

 

“That was…” I said softly and let out a shaky breath. “Mind blowing.”

 

Erik laughed, his hands stroking down my sides. I titled my head up to pull him into a kiss, humming happily at the feel of him pressed against me. He pulled away to meet my gaze.

 

“Told you,” he murmured, pressing a few quick pecks to my lips, “I got you princess.”

 

I grinned at him and slipped my hands up to trace along the scars of his shoulders.

 

He shifted to roll onto his back and tugged me with him, moving me to settle on top of him. I propped my chin on his chest, letting my hands drift down to tug the sheets up slightly. I normally didn’t like the mess, but I was too content to change them. We fell into the familiar pattern of stroking along each other’s skin, his fingers drifting across my lower back and my fingers tracing lightly against the scars below his collarbone.

 

“Ay.”

 

“Hmm?” I asked, tilting my head to look at him.

 

“You’re taking next week off,” he said, and I blinked.  “Already talked to Nakia about it.”

 

 I sat up, so I was straddling him, my hands braced lightly against his chest. 

 

“You can’t just take off work for me,” I said and glared down at him. “I have responsibilities and things to do and…”

 

My eyes narrowed when I realized he wasn’t meeting my gaze, his eyes having dropped down slightly. The sheet had slid off me, so I was naked again and his eyes were trained on my heaving breasts.

 

Seriously?

 

“Erik,” I snapped and thumped his chest, “my eyes are up here.”

 

“Uh huh,” he said, and I could feel his hands sliding up my waist. With a huff, I rolled off of him and tugged the sheet up to cover myself, leaning against the headboard.

 

He shot me an annoyed look and rolled to his side, so he could look at me.

 

“Girl, why you tripping? It ain’t like you don’t have vacation time,” he said, and scowled at me. “Nakia said you the only one who hasn’t taken a day off since you started working.”

 

“So?” I asked, watching as Erik rubbed a hand through his dreads. “I don’t mind working so much.”

 

Erik just looked at me.

 

“The Outreach Center is a great place to work,” I insisted, tapping his arm. “Why is it so weird that I like working there that much?”

 

“Those kids never got on your nerves? You ain’t never had to deal with some bullshit from one of them or their parents?”

 

I hesitated, and he pressed on.

 

“Ain’t never had someone there who kept making shit difficult? Or messed shit up? Or didn’t seem to care about what ya’ll are trying to do and just wanted to make some cash?”  
  
I narrowed my eyes at a mask that hung on the wall and didn’t say anything.

 

“Ain’t no job perfect, Shae. People always fuck shit up, no matter how good it might be. Don’t matter if it’s work for a good cause, you always have some bullshit you gotta deal with, that you need to take a break from. Shit, my boss gets on my nerves all the fucking time.”

 

“Your cousin is your boss, Erik,” I said.   
  
“So? Can’t stand that nigga,” he said, and I couldn’t help the small smile.

 

I knew he was kidding. Kind of.

 

“What am I supposed to do, Erik?” I asked and drew my knees to my chest. “Those kids need me.”

  
“Thought we talked about this,” Erik muttered. “You ain’t gonna be no help to those kids if you keep pushing yourself.”

 

I let out a breath and rubbed at my eyes.

 

He was right. I had wrapped up my whole life around my work and now it was to the point where I felt guilty for missing it. Erik worked too, but he seemed able to disconnect from it when he needed to.

 

And me? Was I still trying to prove that I was good enough for him? I mean, my job was nothing compared to the responsibilities that he had as…

 

“Shae,” Erik said, and I tilted my head to look at him. “Don’t.”

 

He pulled me back into his arms and I snuggled into his side.

 

Sometimes when you let the pain of the past follow you around, it owns you and shapes the decisions you make. Working with these kids, seeing some of their traumas, it had reminded me that there were some things I hadn’t let go from my own past. And one of the biggest things was that I still needed to work on not comparing myself to others. I needed to learn to just accept me and our relationship on its own, something that was easier said than done most days. 

 

“Still thinking too much, huh?” Erik said, and I smiled and shrugged.

 

“You know me,” I said lightly. “I don’t know how to turn it off sometimes.” 

 

Erik titled my chin up and pressed a kiss to my lips and I leaned into it, grateful that he was helping distract me. I slid my arms around his neck and he shifted, pulling me down to the bed with him. It had us lying sideways and I hummed when his fingers drifted down to stroke along my hips. I could feel him hardening, his length pressing against my thigh.

 

“Again?” I asked and gasped when he bit into my neck, before letting his tongue stroke gently along the spot.

 

“Two months,” he said simply, and I let out a breathless laugh.

 

 

 

 

 

 


	7. Chapter 7

 

Erik was still kissing me lazily, his fingers stroking lightly along my stomach, when my phone rang on the nightstand. I titled my head, squinting at it as Erik’s lips traced down to press a kiss against the pulse in my neck.

I had to squirm a bit to reach it, and Erik continued stroking along my skin, seemingly uncaring about my struggle. He licked lightly along my collarbone when I managed to snag my phone from its spot. I angled the screen towards me, so I could read the name.

 “It’s Alisha!”  I said, and Erik hummed before biting down slightly on the swell of my breast. I gasped, my hand dropping to the back of his neck.

I missed hanging out with Alisha in person. Since I’d moved to Oakland, she hadn’t been able to visit me because the distance didn’t allow her to come up for the weekend like she had been able to before. She’d also gotten a promotion at the marketing firm she worked for and had gotten busy around the same time I started working at the center.

Given our busy schedules, we had to settle for weekly facetime calls and text messages to stay in touch. I was always happy to take a call from Alisha, no matter how late.

Erik knew that, so why was he….

“E-Erik,” I said, biting my lip when his tongue laved at the spot. “Baby, I need to get this.”

“Then answer it,” he said and dropped a kiss between my breasts. “I ain’t stopping you.”

“Yeah, but…” I said and wiggled when he dipped lower to press a kiss to my stomach. “You need to stop.”

Erik lifted his head to give me a look and my eyes widened, picking up on what that look meant. 

“Erik!” I said, my face warming. “We can’t have sex while I’m on the phone!”

Erik tilted his head at me, his fingers still kneading lightly at my hips. 

“Just give me five minutes,” I pleaded and his eyes narrowed slightly.

We stared at each other as the phone kept ringing in my hand. Then, a look shifted across his face and he moved off me. I flashed him a grateful smile and rolled onto my stomach as I answered it. The nagging voice in my head wondered if that had been too easy, but the thought disappeared as soon as I heard Alisha’s voice.

“Shae!”

 

I had to pull the phone from my ear at her excited shriek.

 

“Alisha, what’s wrong?” I asked, startled.

 

“Wrong,” she repeated and then laughed.  “Girl, ain’t nothing wrong! Everything is fucking fantastic!”

 

Ok….

 

I propped my chin on my pillow, smiling to myself, amused at her enthusiasm. I wondered what could get her so excited, hearing her laugh at something someone said in the background.  I felt the bed shift, but didn’t bother turning to look, thinking Erik was just shifting to get comfortable. 

 

“It’s just, I’m so excited, I can’t even….” Her words broke off as she gave another squeal. I heard a familiar voice in the background.

 

“Is Monica there?” I asked, shifting to get more comfortable. The covers were still thrown off of me and it was starting to feel chilly.

 

“Hey, Shae!” I heard Monica’s voice call in the background, confirming my guess.

 

I missed Monica too and her wild and crazy personality. Monica was a freelance photographer and had more free time than both of us. I’d seen some of her portfolios and they were gorgeous. She was thinking about opening a studio with her success and the influx of cash as she took in more clients. It was a wonderful feeling to see all of our careers take off and Monica had just said to never doubt the power of black girl magic.

“Tell her I said hi,” I told Alisha and I heard her relay my message.

 

At the sound of their laughter, I raised a brow.

 

“You guys have been drinking, haven’t you?” I teased, and I heard her laugh.

 

“Maybe….” She hedged, and I rolled my eyes, amused.

 

I felt hands suddenly on my hips and I glanced over my shoulder to see Erik settled behind me on his knees, looking at me.

 

I frowned at him and mouthed ‘What?’

 

He held my gaze as he slid a hand underneath me, tilting my hips so my ass was in the air.

 

My eyes widened. Dammit, I _knew_ it had been too easy.

 

“Shae, girl, I’m so excited right now, I can’t even….”

  
Erik had dropped his gaze down to my ass, slipping a pillow underneath my hips to keep me in the position. His task complete, his smoothed his hands up the curves of my ass and gave the cheeks a nice squeeze.

 

‘I’m on the phone’ I mouthed at him, tilting the phone at him pointedly. He arched a brow. ‘So?’ his facial expression said back to me.

 

“Uh huh,” I said and gave Erik my sternest look.

 

I swatted at his hand and received a smack on the ass in return. I gave him a frantic look and his lips twitched, his eyes dark with hunger. I felt the hard tip of his dick push against the swollen lips of my pussy.

 

“Alisha, you haven’t even told her yet,” I heard Monica say and Alisha laughed.

 

‘Don’t you dare,’ I mouthed at Erik and he paused his movements to simply look at me.

 

Then a devilish grin split his face and he thrusted deep. My walls spasmed as he filled me, and I had to drop my face into my pillow to muffle my cry, titling my phone away from me. It didn’t matter that he’d fucked me moments ago, my body always felt primed and ready for him. He pushed in until he was all the way inside me and fuck, did it feel good.

 

Damn him and his short refractory period.

 

“He proposed! Ralph finally proposed to me!” Alisha finally exclaimed.

 

 “T-that’s great,” I managed, even as I felt Erik pull his hips back and then thrust forward. “Ah!”

 

“Shae?” Alisha asked, hesitating.

 

“I-I’m just so excited for you, I could scream you, know! Ah!” I exclaimed when he thrust in again.

 

Erik snickered.

 

“Oh thank you, Shae. You know how long I’ve been waiting for him and I was almost thinking he wasn’t…And you know I wasn’t going to wait around forever…”

 

He was moving slow, but each thrust was hitting deep, and I was trying really, really hard to focus on Alisha’s words. This was good, Alisha and Ralph had been together for what seemed like forever….

 

Erik rolled his hips and I pressed my face into the bedding, struggling to contain my cry.

 

“And then he took me out to my favorite restaurant, which should have been a clue, you know? Monica was here, and I didn’t think too much about it ‘cause you know how her ass always shows up without being invited…”

 

“I fucking love you too, bitch,” I heard Monica exclaim and they broke into laughter.

 

They must still be at the restaurant because I could hear the sounds of people talking and moving about in the background. If they had any idea what I was doing right now, while they were talking to me….

 

Well, Monica, I knew for sure, would probably be proud.

 

Erik’s grip tightened on my waist and when I spared him another exasperated glance over my shoulder, the look on his face was smug. 

 

“And I didn’t know this when we got here, but he even brought his family with him. And Dede, she even showed up too….”

 

DeDe was Alisha’s younger sister, and Alisha normally had her hands full with that one. Oh my god, how many people were there right now? How much embarrassment would I endure if people knew what we were doing? And even more shockingly, why was the idea of it making me wetter? There was no way I was into this.

 

“U-Uh huh…” I gasped and tried to subtly pull myself away from the next thrust.

 

Thank God Alisha was too excited to notice how breathless I sounded.

 

Erik gave me a look.

 

“What I tell you about runnin’?” he growled, and I whimpered when he yanked me back, and braced himself over me.

 

Shit. Shit. Shit.

 

 “Did you say something?” Alisha asked, and I heard the sound of loud laughter and conversation in the background. It seemed there was enough noise that it made it harder for her to hear me and I was grateful. 

 

“N-no, that was the tv,” I said and felt proud that I had managed to get that out as well as I did. Erik was still thrusting, his dick sliding along my walls and I could feel the head of him bumping that spot inside me that had my toes curling.

 

In this position, I could feel each movement deeply and I knew he’d done it on purpose.

 

I was going to kill him.

 

“Oh ok. Well anyway, like I said I wasn’t expecting it. Like at all, because he has never been the best at surprising me, you know that. And I love Ralph, I do, but when he told me to dress up, I didn’t really think about it…”

 

Alisha seemed to be on a roll and that gave me a momentary reprieve.

 

I pressed the mute button and let out a cry, my body shuddering as Erik increased his pace.

 

“Erik, oh fuck, I…”

 

I had meant to cuss him out for doing this while I was on the phone, but he’d found that spot and my pussy was fluttering around him.

 

“Clever,” he teased in my ear and bit the lobe. I moaned and rocked my hips back against his, the sound of flesh slapping echoing in my ear.

 

“Erik, shit, we have to…”

 

Stop? Go faster? Fuck, I didn’t know.

 

“Girl, I didn’t catch on until we were eating dessert. And you know that’s why I love this place and the chef, you know Davidson, he brought it out to us and that’s the first time I got a clue something was up.…” 

 

 _Keep talking. Keep talking. Keep talking_.

 

Erik laughed and pressed a kiss against my shoulder as he kept moving.

 

“And I’ve known Davidson for years and when he showed up, looking all suspicious in shit I felt it in my gut and I just knew then….”

 

“I-I can’t believe…” I couldn’t finish my sentence, my legs shaking as I felt his hands spread them wider. His balls were slapping against my swollen clit and I reached hand down to grip the strong arm that was wrapped around my waist.

 

“Fuck!” I shrieked, and he slapped a hand against my ass, making me clench around him.  

 

“Your friend asked you something,” Erik said, and I let out a shaky breath. Fuck, it sounded like he was getting off on seeing me become undone like this.

  
I was too close, and I knew I wouldn’t be able to fool her if I answered. Erik had shifted slightly, his muscular thighs pressed against mine and I could feel them flex each time he pushed inside me. The headboard was crashing against the wall again and there was no way she wouldn’t hear that.

 

 “Better get that nut fast, princess,” he teased, “she’s gonna notice.”

 

Seriously, what was he? To keep this rough pace for so long and only sound slightly strained…..

 

My phone had slipped from my hand to land on the bed and I braced myself on my hands, using the leverage to slam myself back to meet his thrusts, panting as I felt him fill me.

 

“There you go,” Erik laughed, “fuck, look at you…” he clapped another hand against my ass and I cried out dropping my face down onto the bed.

 

“Shae? Girl, don’t tell me I lost you,” I heard Alisha say. She sounded far away, but I couldn’t focus on her.

  
I was rolling my hips now and Erik groaned.

 

“Shit, baby girl, that’s it…”

 

Fuck. Fuck... it felt so fucking good….

 

“You know reception is bad here,” Monica pointed out. “Maybe call her back?”

 

“Lucky,” Erik muttered. I think he wanted us to get caught.

 

“Ok, “Alisha sighed, “I swear, what’s the point of paying all this money for this fucking phone plan if…”

 

Her words cut off as she hung up and I let out a small cry of triumph.

 

Oh thank god.

 

“Guess you lucked out, huh?” Erik said, not sounding at all pressed as he continued moving.

 

 “Erik,” I gasped, still bracing myself to throw my ass back on him, “fuck, baby, I need…”

 

“I know what you need, baby girl,” he said and tilted my hips. When he thrust deep, I cried out, my back arching. I felt his hand slide between my legs, stroking against my swollen clit.

 

“Fuck, yes, right there…”

 

He rubbed his fingers in a small circle before pressing down at the same time he pushed deep to hit that swollen spot inside me.

 

“Erik!”

 

I cried out as I convulsed around him, my body shaking as I gasped, struggling to catch my breath. He leaned down, pressing me further into the bed as he started snapping his hips faster, seeking his own release. His arms had slid to wrap around my waist and I dug my fingers into the bedding, crying out with each deep stroke.

 

Erik pressed his lips to my neck, tracing his tongue up to trace the shell of my ear.

 

“You know how fucking good you feel?” he growled, and I whimpered.

 

I could feel his dick twitching inside me and I squeezed my walls around him, hoping to help him find his own ecstasy.

 

“Shit…” Erik hissed as his fingers dug into my hips.

 

I could feel my own orgasm building again and began rocking my hips to meet his thrusts.

 

“Erik, I’m….” I moaned and reached a hand to grip his arm. My fingers dug in, but he only groaned.

 

“Yeah,” he grunted, “shit, baby girl, I’m close too.” 

 

It didn’t take too much to push me over the edge again and when he rubbed two fingers lightly against my clit, I screamed. I heard him curse and knew that my own release had triggered his, could feel him throbbing inside me as he kept snapping his hips. He finally slowed, and my body went limp, tremors still shaking across my skin. I let out a small whimper as he flicked my clit lightly.

 

I couldn’t speak, my body still twitching as I tried catching my breath. It was one of those orgasms that still had my pussy fluttering around him, my hips still rolling in small circles as I tried to cling to the last tendrils of pleasure that curled around me.

 

I titled my head to look at him over my shoulder.

 

“You’re so wrong, you know that?” I told him, my voice still breathless.

 

And fuck, he looked so good, dreads plastered to his forehead, muscles glistening under a thin layer of sweat, those dark eyes gazing down at me as he licked his lips.

 

He raised a brow at my outraged expression, smirking.

 

“Nah, you enjoyed that shit,” he said and pulled out of me. “You came hard, princess, don’t deny it.”

 

He rolled onto his side of the bed with a smug and satisfied expression and I rolled my eyes.

“Whatever,” I muttered, and he snickered. “A little help?”

I felt boneless, which wasn’t surprising. He had worn me out and all I wanted to do was cuddle. The problem was that I felt too weak to move on my own.  Erik gave me an amused look, but gently tugged me into his arms, letting the covers slide up with me. I shifted so I could drape one of my legs between his and drop my head against his chest with a sigh.

Pleased, I stroked my fingers down his stomach.

I could hear the sudden ring of my phone from the floor, where it must have fallen when we got distracted. I groaned, and Erik chuckled, tilting his head at me.

Neither of us moved and it kept ringing.

“You gonna get that?” he asked, the smug amusement still in his voice.

I lifted my head to give him a look and he just grinned back at me. I couldn’t help the small smile that broke across my face and shook my head before letting my head drop down to his chest.  

“I don’t trust you,” I said and felt him shake with quiet laughter. “I’ll just talk to her tomorrow.”

The phone finally stopped ringing and I hoped she wouldn’t be too angry about me not answering. Besides, it sounded like she’d have enough to preoccupy her time anyway.

I’m happy for Alisha, really, I am, and would make sure to express that to her when I finally called her back.

For now, though, I was too tired to do anything else. Erik’s body was warm and solid underneath me and it felt good just being held in his arms again.

I was stroking my fingers lightly against the scars of his abs, when a sudden thought popped into my head. Something, I had almost forgotten, given all the distractions I had been dealing with since he got home.

“Hey,” I said and shifted so I could tilt my head to look at him. “Who’s Charlie?”

Erik had slid an arm around my shoulders and was lightly stroking the back of my neck. The other arm was tucked under his head and he gazed at me through hooded eyes.

“Is he a Wardog too?” I asked, and Erik shook his head, as if my guess was amusing to him.

“Nah,” he said. “He ain’t from Wakanda.”

“Hmm. Well he did say you guys were ‘old colleagues’”, I said using my air quotes again. “And that you saved his life and you guys owe each other favors and he helped out with Trish.”

“Nigga just couldn’t stop talking, huh?” Erik muttered, and I quirked a brow at him. “Yeah, we worked together.”

“He knows your Killmonger alias,” I said, making sure to watch Erik’s eyes closely.

 Those brown eyes just looked back at me, giving nothing away.

“Yeah,” he said, and I pursed my lips at him. 

“You’re not really telling me much here,” I said, and he raised a brow.

“You ain’t asked me nothing,” he said, and I huffed.

That was something that hadn’t changed between us. Sure, Erik was more open and willing to give me what I wanted, but I had to ask for it.

“Ok,” I said, studying him, “did you guys…like…”

I hesitated, and Erik just looked at me, his fingers still moving on the back of my neck.

Did it really matter what they used to do? I mean, I knew Erik’s past, knew he was a mercenary and likely did dangerous and probably illegal things. I knew that Charlie was from that past and had probably been involved in some of the same stuff.

Sometimes, you didn’t need to know everything though. I trusted Erik and I loved him and I knew that if something was important, he would tell me. But still…

“You trust him?” I asked.

“Nigga had a chance to fuck me over and he didn’t,” he replied. “I remember shit like that.”

Erik shrugged slightly.

“And he’s good at what he does. He keeps his word and that shit’s hard to come by. So, I kept tabs on him, in case I need to call in a favor from him.”

“What kind of favors?” I asked, my fingers moving to press at a familiar scar on his pectoral.

“Just surveillance and intel gathering, mostly,” he said. “Charlie knows how to go under the radar, knows how to keep an eye out.”

Erik’s eyes slid to my bruise, his fingers coming up to stroke gently beneath it. His thumb brushed lightly against a still tender part and I winced. His eyes darkened.

“Knows how to handle shit when it happens,” he finished, and I reached up a hand to cover his.

“I’m ok,” I said softly, touched by the concern I could see in his eyes. But it was that dark rage that made me more nervous. “And thanks for having someone look out for me.”

I had complained to Charlie that I wasn’t his responsibility, but deep down, I was truly grateful he had been there. Even when Erik couldn’t be there, he always had a way of making sure someone was looking after me.

Speaking of which….

There had been another nagging thought that I had put off.

“So,” I said, linking my fingers with his, “um…. there’s something I should tell you.”

Erik titled his head at me, waiting for me to continue.  I stroked my fingers along the palm of his hand, telling myself it was silly to feel guilty.

“Well, on my way to the lock-in, Charlie found me at the bus stop and he…”

I slid my fingers free to press against his collarbone slightly.

“He gave me a ride to the Center,” I finished and looked at him hesitantly.

Erik blinked at me, his hand reaching up to still my fingers.

“That’s it?” he asked, and I nodded.

Erik’s brows furrowed slightly as he looked at me.

“What ya’ll fuck or something?” he asked, and I gasped, sitting up.

“No! No, Erik, I would never….”

I stopped when I realized he was laughing. I shifted off him to settle to my side of the bed and tucked the covers under my chin and narrowed my eyes at him. Erik rubbed a hand along his jaw as he shook his head, still laughing lightly.

“What’s so funny?” I snapped, and he turned his head to look at me.

“Shit, princess, you really felt guilty, didn’t you?”

I glared at him and tugged the covers further up. He huffed out a final laugh and reached over to tug them back down.

“Ay, chill, Shae. I know you won’t do nothing. We’re good.”

I raised my brows at that, surprised. Erik gave me a look.

“What?”

“Erik,” I said and then shook my head slightly. “Babe, you once knocked a guy in the jaw because you said he was looking too long at my ass.”

Erik frowned at me.

“He was,” he muttered, “and the nigga had been following you around the store all day.”

“He just wanted some help!”

“You too nice, Shae,” Erik said, “how many times a nigga gotta crowd your space for you figure out that it ain’t help he wants?” 

I tugged the covers up to my nose again and just looked at him. I couldn't help that my default was to be nice.

Erik snorted.

“Got your fine ass out here, smiling at every nigga that looks at you,” he muttered, and I squinted at him.

“You’re one to talk,” I said, tugging down the covers so my words weren’t muffled. “Literally every place we go, there’s some woman looking at you. But do you see me punching people in the face?”

Erik cocked his head at me and I glared at him.

“You know how good you look,” I insisted, “and they see someone like you with someone like me and…”

I trailed off, feeling that this was just a whole other conversation I didn't’ feel like having. I huffed and rolled over and tugged the covers over my head, knowing it was childish.

We really had been apart for a while. I just now realized how many small things that had been bothering me and that I didn’t get to talk with him about. Even when I could communicate with him on his trips, sometimes texts and phone calls weren’t an adequate substitution to a face to face conversation.

I felt Erik shift and then he was tugging me back into his arms, pressing his chest to my back. He tugged the covers down to my shoulders and pressed a light kiss to my neck.

“Been gone too long,” he muttered and press a kiss behind my ear. “You up here forgetting you a Queen. Forgetting I don't want no one but you.”

I pressed my lips together and titled my head further into my pillow. It actually allowed him more access and he pressed a few more kisses along my neck, his beard tickling me slightly.

“But…”

“Shae,” he said, interrupting me. “I don’t give a fuck about anyone else but you,” he said and titled my head to face him. “You feel me?”

I gave him a small smile and nodded. Erik’s tone was firm, and I knew he meant it.

“Words, baby girl,” he said, and I leaned forward to press a kiss to his lips.

“Yes,” I said and gave another kiss. “I don’t want anyone but you too.”

He rolled me to face him and I slid my arms around his shoulders as he pulled me into a kiss. I pulled away lightly to stroke my fingers down his cheek.

“I really did miss you,” I said softly and traced my finger along his bottom lip. “You don’t have rush off again, do you?”

Erik nipped the pad of my finger and turned my hand to kiss my palm. 

“Nah,” he said and my face split into a huge grin.

“Really? So how long can you stay then? One month? Two?”

He shrugged, gently tracing his lips to press a kiss against my wrist.  

“However long I want,” he said, and I scrutinized him, both delighted and curious.

“What? Did T’Challa fire you or something?” I asked, and he gave me a look. “Oh, babe, don’t tell me you started an international incident. I told you, you need to watch your temper!”

Erik narrowed his eyes at me as I started snickering at my own joke. 

“You think you real funny, huh?”

“Hah, come on, you know that it’s totally possible you’d go off on someone,” I said, and he shook his head, even as a small grin formed.

“Besides, I thought you liked traveling,” I said and waved a hand. “And doing your…secret spy work?”

Erik huffed a small laugh, his other hand rubbing lightly along my leg. 

“I do,” he said and furrowed his brows slightly. “Shit ain’t the same though.”

“Why?” I asked, and he shrugged.

“The world’s getting crazy,” he muttered. “The shit people can do now…”

He shook his head.

“Ain’t seen nothing like it,” he said.

“You mean like the mutants they mentioned on the news?” I asked, thinking of some of the things I had seen recently on television. I had been surprised and fascinated, but to me, they were just another group of people who were misunderstood.

But I always erred on the side of compassion.

“Yeah,” Erik said, and I hummed thoughtfully.

“Did you meet one?” I asked, and he shook his head.

  
“Nah, not like that. But I think T knows one. At least he thinks she is,” he said. “Nigga gets all tense when I talk about her.”

I blinked at that.

“Really? Why?” I asked.

“I think he has a thing for her,” he said and snorted. “And the nigga was talking shit about me.”

I gasped in delight, a grin spreading on my face.

“T’Challa has a crush on someone? That’s so sweet!” I exclaimed, and Erik rolled his eyes at me.

“Sure, that’s the interesting part,” he said to himself.

“Do you think Nakia knows?” I asked, and Erik shrugged.

“Dunno. Wouldn’t matter though, they cool,” he said, and I hummed thoughtfully.

“That’s right. That’s actually a sign of how mature they are,” I quipped, “the fact they can remain friends and still be ok with their ex being in a relationship”.

“Hmm,” Erik said, and I titled my head, trying to imagine the mystery woman who had caught the King’s attention.

“Well, whoever she is, if T’Challa decides to marry her,” I said, smiling to myself, “she’s a lucky woman.” 

“The fuck is that supposed to mean?” Erik asked, an edge to his voice.

 “What? I’m just saying that your cousin is very mature and kind and….” I trailed off at the look Erik was giving me.

 “Nah, go ahead, what else you gotta say about the nigga?”

I felt my face warm at getting caught being enthusiastic about his cousin, but I couldn’t help it. I held a strong admiration for T’Challa, for all he had done and his determination to truly help and change the world.

But most importantly, he had brought Erik back, had stayed by his side and had welcomed him into a family Erik probably never thought he’d have. He had forgiven him and gave him the chance to make his life his own. And that is why I would always be eternally grateful to the King of Wakanda.

I gave him a kiss, feeling amusement at his familiar irritation.

“I love you, Erik,” I said. “And you love me, right?”

“Always, princess.”

I felt a smile form on my face and felt the familiar warmth in my heart as I wrapped my arms around him. A sudden compulsion had my eyes going to the panther statute in the corner of the room again, and I saw the emerald eyes gleam at me. My smile grew as I gazed at it, feeling relief and happiness fill me. 

 _Thank you_.

 I turned my gaze back to Erik and leaned forward to press another kiss to his lips. He deepened the kiss and I melted against him.

_Thank you for bringing him home to me._

 


	8. Chapter 8

 

“Oh, Alisha! I’m so happy for you!”

 

When Alisha ended up calling me the next day, I let those be my first words and hoped that it would help ease whatever ire she had for me ignoring her call again last night.

 

“Thank you, Shae,” she said, “and girl, you already know, you are going to be my maid of honor. You’ve got no choice.”

 

Awesome, she wasn’t even mad. I loved that she didn’t hold onto stuff like that.

 

“I’m honored,” I said, grinning. “When do you think your date will be?”

 

With a shopping basket in one hand and my phone in the other, I wandered down the aisle of the local beauty supply store, eyeing the selections among the shelves.

“Sometime in the summer,” she said, and I raised my brows in surprise.

 

“Isn’t that kind of soon?” I asked, thinking. “It’s about to be summer.”  

 

I wondered if Erik would help me with my wash day? I was going to take out my braids on my week off and had come here to stock up on some beauty supplies.

Even though it was just Friday, I likely wouldn’t have time before the weekend was over. We already had a cookout to go to this evening and then Courtney’s party tomorrow.

 

“Hah,” Alisha laughed, “I’ve been planning this wedding since our third-year anniversary. I knew I was marrying that man, I was just waiting on him to ask.”

 

That’s right. It pretty much had been an assumption that Alisha and Ralph would finally tie the knot one day. Alisha had wanted to wait until she was more comfortable in her career, driven by my similar desire to feel that she had something to call her own without having to rely on Ralph’s income. Which, considering how things were going for her, we shouldn’t have been that surprised that the proposal came now. 

 

“Well, at least you’ve got things planned out. Besides the basic maid of honor duties, was there anything you needed me to do?”

  
I had no idea how to be a maid of honor, but for Alisha I would try. I had been invited to weddings before, but never had participated in them. Oh shit, I would have to plan a bachelorette party, wouldn’t I?

 

Alisha laughed, and I wondered if she guessed what I was thinking.

 

“Don’t worry, girl, Monica said she’d handle the fun shit,” she said. “I’m just going to need your help organizing and probably going through and picking out things.”

 

“Oh, thank God,” I sighed, and she laughed again. “I got you when it comes to organizing and planning, but I’m pretty limited when it comes to the raunchier stuff.”

 

“Getting your back blown out on the regular now and you still get embarrassed when people talk about sex. Girl, I will never understand you,” she said.

 

Yeah, me neither. I wasn't ashamed of my sex life with Erik, but I did know that my shyness was something that would always be a part of me. It didn't seem that Erik minded though. In fact, I think he found it rather amusing most of the time.  

 

“Well, you know me and my modesty,” I said, trying to distract myself with the selection of conditioners.  I picked up a bottle and turned it over to read the ingredients.

 

“Uh huh. Where was that modesty last night?” she asked, the teasing strong in her voice.

 

“Wh-what?” I squeaked.   


I felt my face heat and returned the bottle to the shelf. There’s no way she could have…

 

“Shit, you don’t think I know the sounds of someone getting dicked down? I mean, you were pretty good trying to hide it, but when you muted the phone, Monica and I knew for sure.”

 

I buried my face in my hands and groaned.  Alisha burst into laughter.

 

“Ay, I ain’t mad at you! You deserve it, girl! Hey, I gotta go, but I’ll check in with you later, ok?”

 

“Yeah,” I mumbled, relieved that she was showing mercy. I was just lucky it wasn’t Monica who had called.

 

Ugh, I was never going to live this down. Alisha hung up with another laugh and a promise to call me later and I sighed. And I was never telling Erik that they heard us, he’d just love that.

 

Speaking of which, where was he? 

 

He had been unwilling to wait in the car while I shopped, and I knew he was here somewhere. I continued my shopping, knowing he’d find me eventually.

 

I had stopped in front of the bottles of hair dye, when I noticed Erik coming towards me, his hands tucked into the jeans of his pocket.

“Hey, you’re E, right?” a voice called.

He paused and turned at the question and I noticed a woman stepping out of one of the aisles he had just passed.

She was tall in her sandaled heels and wore a pair of jean shorts and a white blouse with straps. Her straightened hair was pulled up into a loose bun with a clip and the red of her lipstick paired nicely with her brown skin.

She smiled prettily as Erik looked at her. 

“Yeah,” he said, his body still angled so he wasn’t facing her directly.

She smiled wider.

“Oh, I heard about you from my cousin. She works up at the Center ya’ll opened.”

Cousin? That was pretty vague. We had a lot of local people working at the Center and she could be related to anyone.

 “I think it’s great what ya’ll are doing for the kids there,” she said. She had placed her own basket on her hip. “They need good role models like you.”

She reached up a hand to stroke down his arm, her fingers moving slowly over the material of his jacket.

“You need something?” he asked and moved his arm from her reach. “I’m busy.”

She blinked at him, obviously not expecting that reaction. Her brows furrowed slightly as she looked at him.

“I was just saying thank you,” she said and tried smiling again. “I think seeing what real men are like is good for those kids, you know?”

Man, I could never say that line even on my best day. It wasn’t subtle at all. Then again, I had never been good at flirting.

“Hey, babe,” I called and saw their eyes turn to me. “Do you think I should try some color this time?”

The woman frowned at me, her eyes drifting to Erik and back. The confusion on her face would have been funny if it wasn’t so sad how common it was.

This is exactly what I had been talking about. Her confusion was similar to how many other women had looked at me when they saw I was with Erik.

 _Oh is that your cousin? Sister?_  

The first assumption was never that I was his girlfriend. Had the roles been reversed, Erik would’ve had some guy by the throat by now. Me? I’m that passive aggressive type, still not one for confrontation if I didn’t have to.

“Or maybe I should just stick to my natural color,” I sighed. “It’s not professional to do colors, right?”

Erik continued making his way to me. The woman blinked at the obvious dismissal as she stared at his back.

“Not professional?” he muttered, as he turned to the hair dye. “That’s the bullshit they pull when they try to control your hair.”

He picked up a shade of blue, studying it. When he looked at me, he was smirking slightly, and I cocked my head. He knew I had no intentions of dying my hair this time around.

“What?” I asked and took the box from him to put it back.

“Nothing,” he said and tugged at a purple. “What about this?”

I scrunched up my face and shook my head.

“I can’t pull that off,” I said and reached for another color. “What about this one?”

“That’s black, Shae.”

“No, it’s a shade of black,” I said, and he rolled his eyes. “Sort of.”

“Excuse me,” the woman said, and we turned to look at her.

“You’re Shae?” she asked, and I blinked before nodding. “I’ve heard about you too.”

How did she hear about me? How much did gossip spread around here?

“Ya’ll are together, right?” she asked, and I nodded again. “Ya’ll make a cute couple.”

One minute she was flirting with him, the next she was being nice to me. I wasn’t sure what to make of her.

“Thank you,” I said and gave her a small smile. “And what’s your name?”

“Riley,” she said, and I accepted the hand she extended to me. The smile didn’t reach her eyes and I let my hand drop after the initial shake.

“Nice to meet, you, Riley,” I said and noticed Erik rolling his eyes. I ignored him. “So, how did you know who I was?”

Her eyes drifted to my cheek and I felt Erik go still next to me. 

“Well, everyone was talking about what you did for Malik, going up against his daddy like that,” she said and cocked her head. “But then they were saying it was E’s girl he went for and I just got a bit confused, I guess.”

Wait, she knew Erik had a girlfriend? And she flirted with him anyway? Even if she hadn’t realized it was me, shouldn’t it be telling that she was aware that he was in a relationship?

You know what? I’m not in a profession that judges’ people.  Even if that was kind of shady.

“Confused?” I asked, deciding to focus on that instead. “Why were you confused?”

She shrugged again, that smile still on her face.

“Well, you visit the kids a lot in the neighborhood, right? I’ve seen you around and I just never thought you’d be the type to start fights with people,” she said. “And I just figured E’s girl would be tough, you know? You seem kind of…”

“Be real careful about what you say next,” Erik said suddenly and her gaze went to him.

We both tensed at the warning look on his face. His hands were back in his pockets, his posture casual, but he was giving off that aura that I knew meant he wasn’t happy with her right now.

Riley blinked at him, shifting the basket on her hip again.

“I was just gonna say,” she said, her eyes still trained on him. “That you just seemed real nice, is all.”

Erik just looked back at her and she shifted under his gaze.

“Oh, well, thank you,” I said and reached a hand to rest on his arm. “I mean, I didn’t start that fight or anything. Just kind of got in the way.”

I didn’t know if it was the fact that she had brought up Malik’s father or not, but Erik seemed to be over it. I was too, to be honest.

“You ready?” he asked turning his gaze to me. “You still trying to get home before, right?”

I nodded and spared Riley a small smile. I kind of felt bad for her now. It didn’t take a lot to annoy Erik, but she had found one of his buttons quickly. She seemed confused again, as if she couldn’t understand how this exchange had gone south so quickly.

“Well, it was nice meeting you, Riley,” I said, noticing that she still hadn’t moved her gaze from Erik.

It wasn’t until I spoke those words that her eyes went to me. She nodded, and I saw her struggle to return my smile.

 “Yeah, sure, you too.”

_______________

There’s a certain energy that comes from a good cookout. Even though it wasn’t officially summer yet, that California weather was warm enough that it’d still work.

I didn’t get to go to a lot of cookouts when I was little. When my mama had proudly purchased her own home, she had bought one in the suburbs, a testament to her hard work and the money she had saved over the years. Even when we had been living in apartments, they had been on the nicer side of town and tended to be one of the few, if not only, black family in the neighborhood.

The neighbors liked us because we were quiet and kept to ourselves. I didn’t really hang out with the kids in the neighborhood, so a curfew was never really a problem for me. It was quiet, and we got invited to barbeques, not cookouts. And I learned that there was distinct difference between the two.

The only cookouts I got to attend were the ones hosted by my cousins. It was one of the few times the Anderson Sisters tended to get along. There was something about good food, laughter and loud music that brought the family together and that was something my mama wanted me to experience.

It was the same vibe I was getting here. One of the perks of the Outreach Center was that the space was often used as for social gathering and events that people around the neighborhood wanted to host. It allowed people to use the amenities available and was just another reason that people felt that this place was becoming the true center of the neighborhood. 

The air was filled with laughter and music, people milling about and kids playing games. You could smell food grilling and the seasoning and spices as people cooked at food stations that were set up under tents. I’m not sure who had originally hosted the cookout, but it seemed they had been prepared for the large gathering. If you’re offering free food, you have to be ready for uninvited guests to turn up.

The day was warm, and I was happy I had gone with my jean shorts and tank top for the day. I had to nudge my glasses up every once in a while and wondered vaguely if I should just break down and get some contacts. It was annoying wearing glasses when my face was sweaty.

“Yo, E!”

I glanced up briefly, my fingers still re-dreading Erik’s hair as he sat between my legs. He held a blunt between his fingers, his other hand lazily stroking my calf as I worked. Erik turned his gaze from the basketball game and nodded at the guy who approached.

I furrowed my brows, trying to remember his name. He was one of Erik’s friends and I felt bad that I couldn’t remember who he was.

 

“Sup, Ali,” Erik replied, and they exchanged a quick handshake.

 

Oh, that’s right. Ali. I would remember that now.  

 

“Hi, Ali,” I said. He was wearing a pair of basketball shorts and a jersey, a cap laying backwards on his head. When he grinned, his teeth sparkled at me. He spotted Erik’s blunt and nodded towards it. With a roll of his eyes, Erik passed it to him.

 

“Sup, shorty,” he said and took a drag. “How you doing?”

 

“I’m fine,” I said and smiled, my fingers still working. I was actually making pretty good progress.

 

“Ain’t trying to throw hands no more?” he teased, and I rolled my eyes.

 

“When are people going to drop that?” I muttered, noticing the underlying tension in Erik’s shoulders. “It’s been like, two or three weeks since that happened.

 

“Yeah, but stories like that don’t die, ma,” Ali remarked lightly. “And that nigga’s crazy. Been tripping out since then.”

 

I was going to ask what that meant, but a flicker of movement had me looking up. I felt a flash of panic to see a basketball come hurling straight towards me. There was no way I was going to be able to move out of the way in time.

 

Damnit, I hope it wouldn’t break my glasses. That’s what I get for complaining about them.

 

Just as quickly, Erik’s hand shot up and he caught the ball right in front of my face. It was a surprisingly quick movement, like he had moved automatically without thinking. 

 

“Oh shit!”

 

Malik ran up to us, an impressed grin on his face. He had seen Erik’s quick recovery too.

 

“Yo, E how you do that?”

 

“Don’t worry about that,” Erik said and tossed him the ball. “Watch it, nigga. If it’d hit her that would’ve been yo’ ass.”

 

Malik glanced at me and gave a sheepish grin.

 

“Ay, my bad, Miss Shae,” he said.

 

I waved a hand, even as my heart still hammered in my chest.  That had been a close one.

 

“It’s fine, Malik,” I said and let out a breath. “Just call out a warning next time, ok?”

 

“I got you,” he said and turned to leave. I spared a glance at Ali and he shrugged.  

 

“Hey,” I said, and he paused to look back at me. “How are things at home?”

 

Malik hesitated, glancing at Ali and Erik before looking back at me.  He shrugged.

 

“Fine.”

 

I gazed at him for a second and he just looked back at me. I should have known better than to ask him that type of question in front of other people.

 

“What I say about your pops showing up?”

 

The question had come from Erik and Malik glanced at him.

 

“I mean, he ain’t done nothing,” he said, and I frowned letting my eyes trace his face and arms, trying to see if I could see any new marks. Ali said he had been tripping out, but it looked like it hadn’t been around Malik or his family.

 

“For real, he just kind of drives by sometimes, but he doesn’t stop,” Malik insisted when Erik gave him a hard look. “He ain’t tried talking to me or mama.”

 

“He start shit, lemme know,” Erik said and I let my hand drop down to squeeze his shoulder slightly in gratitude.

 

“Aight,” Malik said and turned to rejoin his game. The kids had seen who he was talking to and had waited. Man, these kids’ level of respect for Erik was something else.

 

When Malik left, Ali turned to Erik and handed him back the short blunt.

 

Erik squinted up at him.

 

“Damn, nigga you smoke the whole thing?” he groused, and Ali snickered.

 

I smiled and returned to working on Erik’s hair as they started bickering.

 

___________________

 

 

It was later in the evening and the kids had finished their game, running off to find other ways to amuse themselves. There was a movie playing inside the center and some of them had gone there, happy to be in air conditioning and eat ice cream that was being served.

 

Erik and a few other guys had taken over the basketball court and had started their own game, one that they seemed to take just as seriously as the kids did.

 

“So, what are the scars from again?” Courtney asked as she watched the game in front of us.

 

I knew she was referring to Erik. He was wearing a black tank top and basketball shorts, his newly re-dreaded hair braided back from his face.

 

I let my eyes drift over the scars of his shoulders and arms and glanced at Nakia who sat next to me. Nakia raised a brow and shrugged.

 

“It’s from an old ritual tradition,” I said. I didn’t like sharing Erik’s business like that and it was the only excuse I could come up with. Most people didn’t ask about, even if they did notice. Erik was used to the looks.

 

“Huh,” Courtney said and took a sip from her cup. I realized she had accepted that simple explanation and turned back to the game.

 

I didn’t know much about basketball. Or sports in general. It wasn’t really my thing. Erik did though, and I learned quickly that asking questions during a game was not the best thing to do. I tended to pull out a book and nod enthusiastically when I figured out that the right team had scored.

 

I didn’t mind watching him play though.

 

“Yo, nigga, keep up!” he mocked, and Ali glared at him as he darted past.

 

Courtney chuckled and shook her head. She was sitting in the spot in front of us and had to turn in her seat to look at me.

 

“So, what are you doing on your week off?” she asked, and I hummed thoughtfully.

 

“Well, so far all I have is doing my hair and maybe playing video games,” I said, and she pursed her lips at me.

 

“That’s it?” she asked and shook her head. “Come on, girl, that isn’t a vacation.”

  
I shrugged and propped my head in my hands.

 

“I don’t know,” I said. “Erik asked me the same thing and it’s pretty much all I got.”

 

All of his suggestions ended with sex, which I claimed wasn’t realistic. He had just given me a look that said he was willing to meet that challenge.

 

“What about taking a trip somewhere?” Nakia suggested. “Even going out to visit the countryside could be refreshing.”

 

“Maybe,” I mused thoughtfully. “I used to have a bucket list of all these places I wanted to go to. I kind of envy Erik in the sense that he’s traveled and seen the world.”

 

I glanced over at her and cocked my head.

 

“Oh, I guess you’ve traveled a lot too, right?” I asked, and she hummed in affirmation.

 

“Yes, but it was not the leisure travel you’re thinking of,” Nakia said and I nodded.

 

Right. Spy work probably didn’t allow for the time to take in sights.

 

“Well, if you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?” Courtney asked me.

 

 _Wakanda_.

 

“Um…I’m not sure, there’s a lot of choices,” I said instead and they both gave me a look.

 

“What?” I asked and Nakia arched a brow.

 

“I am sure you have mentioned on more than one occasion, that you have always wanted to visit Wakanda.”

 

“Oh have I? I didn’t really think I talk about it that much,” I said mildly, and Courtney snorted.

  
“Girl, everyone here would love to go, but I think you would _love_ to go.”

  
“Yeah, but they’re not really letting people in, right?” I asked. Even if I was dating their Prince. Then again, I hadn’t exactly asked him.

 

“That actually may be changing,” Nakia murmured and we turned to her in surprise.

 

“What?” we both asked in surprise and Nakia grimaced and made a point of focusing on the game.

 

Apparently, she hadn’t meant to let that one slip. Or maybe she had. You never knew with Nakia.

 

“Sorry, I misspoke,” she said casually, but there was a slight tilt to her lips that had Courtney and I peering at her closely.

 

“Uh uh, sis, don’t even try…”

 

“Hey Courtney!”

 

Oh, I knew that voice. I glanced over to see Riley approaching, still wearing her outfit from earlier.

 

“This isn’t over,” Courtney said to Nakia. “You will tell us your secrets!”   
  
Nakia just smirked at us before we turned our attention to Riley.   

 

I kept my face neutral as Riley stopped in front of her cousin. She glanced at Erik who was still playing and then to her cousin. I propped my head in my hands, my elbows resting on my knees as I looked at her. Guess I was being ignored now.

 

I saw Erik glance at me, his eyes drifting to Riley and back to me. He winked at me with a small grin and I couldn’t help my own smile in return.

 

“Nakia, Shae, this is my cousin, Riley,” Courtney said and waved a hand between us. “Riley, Nakia, Shae.”

 

“Hello,” Nakia said and inclined her head.  

 

“We’ve met,” I said, and Riley and Courtney looked at me. “Nice to see you again.”

  
Riley eyed me for a second before turning to her cousin and holding out her hand.

 

“Let me borrow your car,” she said, and Courtney raised a brow.

 

“I’m sorry, that didn’t sound like it had a question mark at the end,” she replied, and Riley huffed.

 

“Come on, Courtney, mine’s not working,” she said and twiddled her fingers.

 

“Why is that my problem?” Courtney asked and took a sip of her drink. 

 

The cousins stared at each other and Nakia and I shared an amused look.

 

“Can I please borrow your car?” Riley asked finally.

  
“How long?”

 

Riley let out an aggravated sigh.

 

“I’ll get it back to you tomorrow, ok?”

 

Courtney made a point of looking at the game again and her cousin fumed as she glared at her. Finally, Courtney reached into her purse and pulled out her keys.

 

“You’re lucky Rose is still here, or you’d be shit out of luck,” she said and tossed her keys to Riley. Rose was one of Courtney’s roommates and apparently was now her ride home.

 

“Thank you,” Riley said, and Courtney waved a hand.

 

The guys must have taken a break because Erik and Ali made their ways over to us.

Ali stopped next to Riley and Erik moved so he could stop in front of me. I scrunched my face at him when he braced his hands on either side of my seat, seemingly looking for a kiss. He was sweaty though and I passed him my cup of water instead. He took it from me and drank. When he moved to put the cup down next to me, he caught me in a quick kiss. I made a noise of protest and he snickered and pressed his sweaty face into my neck when I turned my face away.

 

“Quit,” I whined and pushed at him. “Ugh, you’re so gross right now.”

 

I wasn’t a fan of PDA in general, a side effect of my shyer personality. Erik didn’t have those hang ups though. Deep down, I do admit that I liked that he had no problem showing his affection for me in public. Even if everyone was watching us. I couldn’t help the small smile that grew on my face when he grinned at me.

 

“How long have you two been together?” Courtney asked, amusement in her voice.

 

“Um, around two years,” I said, and Erik frowned at me.

 

“The fuck you talking about?” he demanded. “It’s three, Shae.”

 

I shook my head at him, amused by his irritated expression.

 

“No, we’ve known each other for about four years. In terms of dating, that first year doesn’t count. We were just friends for a few months and then you…graduated,” I said and spared a glance at Nakia.

  
She merely raised a brow, her head propped on her fist as she looked at us. We were the only three that really knew what went down before and I sometimes had to remember that not everyone knew the whole story.

 

“And then when you came back that was year two, but we didn’t start dating until the middle of the year and then last year was three,” I said and nodded. “This is year four, but we’ve only been dating for about two years, including now.”

 

Erik was giving me an odd look and I raised my brows.

 

“What? You know the first year doesn’t count,” I said, thinking he was still hung on that. “I mean, you were still seeing other people and so was I.”

 

At the outraged look on his face, I quickly waved a hand.

 

“I mean, I could have. Not that I did,” I amended. “You’re still my first.”

 

“He’s your first?” Riley asked, and I looked at her. “Like first boyfriend or what?”

 

The intense curiosity in her eyes made me regret letting that slip.

 

“That’s none of your business, “Courtney interjected, and Riley shot her a look.

 

“What? And asking how long they’ve been together is?” she snapped back.

 

“That is a general couple question,” Courtney sniffed. “I’m not asking how many dudes she’s been with.”

 

“Neither am I,” Riley insisted, “I’m just curious if he’s her first one.”

 

I looked to Erik for help, but he looked amused by the argument. I spared a brief glance to see Ali smirking. I dropped my head in my hands and Nakia patted my back sympathetically.

 

“And that shit’s none of your business,” Courtney snapped. “If Shae wants to share that…”

 

“I don’t,” I muttered.

 

“Then that’s her choice,” Courtney continued. “You know what? Give me my car keys back since you seem interested in staying now.”

 

Riley made a noise of protest and I looked up to see her taking a step back and tucking the keys into her pockets.

 

“Fine, I’m going,” she said and shook her head. “Yo’ mean ass.”

 

She turned to leave and spared Erik another glance. Courtney made a point of clearing her throat. Riley’s eyes drifted to her cousin and Courtney gave her a pointed look. With a roll of her eyes, Riley walked away, seemingly put a sway to her hips.

  
Ali watched her leave, but Erik didn’t. I smiled at him and accepted the kiss he pressed to my lips this time.

 

Courtney let out an aggravated sigh and I turned to look at her.

 

“Sorry about that,” she said, and I raised my brows.

 

“For what?” I said and took a sip of my water

 

Courtney waved a hand in Erik’s direction.

 

“She’s kind of a hoe,” she said and shook her head. “My bad for not warning you.”

 

“Courtney!” I gasped, and Erik and Ali burst into laughter. Nakia bit her lip and turned away to hide her smile.

 

“What?” she asked, smirking. “She is. And she knows it.”

 

“I…that’s so rude,” I insisted and shook my head. “I mean she didn’t do anything. It’s not like I can get mad at her for looking right?”

 

They all exchanged a glance.

 

“You’re serious, aren’t you?” Ali asked me, and I blinked at him. “Like for real, you ain’t ready to go after her or nothing?”

 

“For what?” I asked, confused. “She didn’t do anything for me to go after her. I mean she’s standoffish but that doesn’t warrant me picking a fight with her.”

  
They all kept looking at me and I pressed my lips together.

 

Finally, Courtney glanced over at Erik. “She’s way too nice, man. For real.”

 

Erik snorted and tapped my knee lightly.

 

“Shit, that’s what I’ve been telling her,” he said and gave me a ‘ _I told you so look’._

 

Whatever.


	9. Chapter 9

 

The next day, I silently fretted about the upcoming party.

“I’m starting to think I don’t have anything to wear,” I said, and Alisha huffed.

“Well, I can’t see anything if you keep the camera turned away.”

I sighed and titled my phone’s camera to the outfits I had laid out on the bed.

After I had taken a shower, I had phoned Alisha to help me pick out my outfit for Courtney’s party.

I’m sure it was going to be fun, but my social meter was getting filled. I just wanted to spend time at home with Erik and more than just a day or two.

 “So, for your first maid of honor duty, I want you to help me plan a girl’s trip. I am not waiting until closer to the wedding for us all hang out again.”

Ah…Well, okay, I hadn’t seen Alisha and Monica in a while and they were my closest friends. My social meter always had space for them.

“I only have this week off,” I said, and she frowned. “But, I guess I can try to find some time towards the end of the week.”

“Girl, I am not talking that soon,” she said and shook her head at me. “I meant in the next month or so. You need to spend some time with your man. I know he’s been gone for a while, right? No, keep your ass at home with him.”

I blinked at her and then gave a wide grin. The fact that she had guessed all of that on her own……

“Alisha, I love you,” I said, and she winked.

“Love you too, Shae Shae,” she said and smiled at me. “Now show me those dresses.”

I dutifully turned the camera back to the bed and heard her gasp of delight.

“That one,” Alisha said, and I paused. “Girl, that one is perfect. Your melanin is going to be popping with that color.”

It was a yellow dress that Erik had bought me. He had spotted me staring at it a bit too long when we’d gone out shopping one day. I had seen the price tag and had immediately put it back on the rack. That evening I had found it in our closet and Erik had claimed he didn’t keep the receipt when I demanded he return it.

My qualms with being spoiled with gifts was another story, but I had relented because I really did love that dress. It was a top contender against the lace purple dress I had worn the night I met him. That one would always have a special place in my heart.

“Try it on so I can see how it looks,” she said, and I sighed.

“Now?” I whined, and she rolled her eyes at me.

“No tomorrow. Yes, now Shae.”

I huffed and dropped the phone as I went about pulling it on. Once I had wiggled into it, I picked up the phone so she could see it.

“Yas!!” Alisha exclaimed, and I couldn’t help the small smile as I turned towards the long mirror in the room.

The material clung to my soft curves, the flowing material of the skirt stopping just above my knees. There was a cutout on the front of the dress right over my bust and it was the boldest I’d in wearing an outfit. I had to get a special bra to support me without showing through the hole. It was one of those dresses that reminded me that I had a body to work with and one that I was learning to love as my own.

“Thanks, Alisha,” I said, and she grinned at me. “I gotta finish getting ready, but I’ll talk to you later, ok?”

“Sure, girl, and don’t worry about her,” she said.

I paused and looked at her curiously.

“Who?” I asked, and she rolled her eyes.

“That Riley girl,” she said. “The one you sent an angry stream of text messages about?”

Oh yeah. So maybe I was a bit more bothered about her than I’d like to admit. Who else was I gonna complain about it to but my girls?

“Seriously, don’t let them hoes get to you.”

“Alisha!”

“What, flirting with someone’s man right in front of them? Hoe behavior. And Monica would agree if she was here.”

I shook my head at her and she shrugged.

“Go get ready and have fun,” Alisha said. “Ralph is taking me out to dinner tonight, so I’ll catch up with you tomorrow, ok?”

“Ok, you have fun too,” I said.

“And Shae?” she said before I could hang up.

“Yeah?”

“I’m serious. Don’t let her get to you. You are on a whole other level and that man of yours knows it.”

I raised my brows at her and she shrugged.

“What? The nigga grew on me,” she sniffed. “Besides, he knows I’m coming for him if he fucks things up.”

I laughed although I was never sure if she was serious or not. 

________

“Goddamn.”

The word had me looking up from tidying my hair supplies in the bathroom. I had opted for pulling my braids back into a ponytail and had slicked down the edges with some gel and a brush.

I couldn’t help the bashful smile that crossed my face as Erik’s eyes swept over me. I tugged absently at the ends of the dress as he approached.

“Do you like it?” I asked, and he huffed a small laugh as he wrapped his arms around my waist.

“Like it? Shit, I’m ‘bout to make you change. Looking this good should only be for me,” he said and dropped a kiss to the back of my neck.

I rolled my eyes, even as his words gave me that familiar warm, fuzzy feeling.

“Hey,” I said softly, letting my hands reach up to stroke along his forearms. “Did you still want to go?”

Erik paused and met my gaze in the mirror.

“Why?”

I shrugged, letting my fingers trace a scar absently. He dressed in simple black t-shirt that was stretched tight over his chest and a pair of dark jeans. A few gold chains dangled around his neck and I knew that the simple look was more expensive than it looked. Amongst the chains was the one that held his father’s ring, something that he always wore.

“I mean, we can just chill at home and watch a movie or something,” I said.

“I’m down for that,” he said and propped his chin on my shoulder. “But you was hyped all fucking day about it. What changed?”

I shrugged again, and I saw a look shift in his eyes.

“Shae,” he said, and I fiddled with my brush.

Erik kept watching me before tugging the brush from my hands and turning me to face him.

“Looking this fucking beautiful and you worried ‘bout somebody else,” he said and leaned down to press a kiss to my lips.

“I’m trying not to,” I admitted when he pulled away. I plucked lightly at his shirt and then smoothed the material with my fingers. “Just creeps up sometimes. Human nature and all that.”

He raised a brow at that.

“Yeah?”

I nodded.

“I know it’s irrational, but I’m trying to do better, you know? Being self-aware and all that,” I said.

“Being irrational is still predictable,” he said. “Don’t matter how much you should know better.”

“But if you know you’re doing it….” I said, and he shook his head.

“Being self-aware ain’t enough from keeping you from doing the dumb shit in the first place.”

He held my gaze.

“So when I tell you you’re beautiful and I don’t give a shit ‘bout no one else but you, you still think that stupid shit anyway.” 

He tapped my nose lightly.

“Predictable irrationality,” he concluded.

I loved Erik’s intellect. Even when he was schooling me on something it made my stomach flutter and my body go all warm. Was that a kink?

He smirked at the look on my face, his eyes darkening in what I’m sure was a mirror to the look in my own eyes.

“Are you sure you don’t want to say home?” I asked and fluttered my lashes at him. “I’d love to hear your theories on behavioral economics.

Erik shook his head as he laughed.

“Nah, we gonna go,” he said, and I pouted. “Don’t worry, princess, we can ‘talk’ all you want we get back.”

I grinned when he used air quotes around the word “talk.”

________

The party was already in full swing when we arrived, cars already lining the street out front and music blaring from the house.  Courtney was lucky that no one on her block minded noise or they’d definitely get a noise complaint. 

Courtney shared the space with her two best friends and they had rented a two-story house that was often used to hold house parties. The house was huge, big enough that they had a guest room and a large basement. It reminded me of my college days when I went out to Alisha for the first few outings of my life. You could wander easily through the house or lawn and still find something to entertain yourself.

I trailed behind Erik as we walked into the house, the living room already foggy with smoke and the smell of weed filling the room. I was happy I decided to wear my short white heels instead of the taller ones that Alisha had insisted on. If the laughter and dancing that was taking place tonight, I did not want to risk twisting an ankle in shoes I could barely walk in.

“You guys made it!”

I paused and saw Courtney approaching me with a grin. She pulled me into a hug and I had to drop Erik’s hand to return it.  I laughed lightly as she gave me a squeeze.

Courtney was already lit it seemed. When she pressed a light kiss to my cheek I felt a wave of amusement. Courtney always got touchy when she was drunk, and I could feel sympathy for that. So was I.

I patted her arm gently and she took a step back as she looked me over.

“Girl you look hot!” she exclaimed, and I grinned at her.

“You too,” I said taking in her white crop top and dark jeans. Pink toenails peeked from her heeled sandals and she did a pose.

I laughed, and she winked at me. She glanced over to Erik and gave him a small wave which he returned with a nod. His eyes met mine, and I saw amusement as he arched a brow at me.

Yeah, I’m glad we came. Courtney’s parties were always fun.

____________________________

“You might want to pace yourself,” a familiar voice said. “Shit creeps up on you.”

I paused from pouring myself my third cup of “jungle juice” and glanced over to meet a familiar pair of brown eyes.

I raised my brows in surprise.

“Hi Charlie,” I said and turned to face him. “I thought you didn’t come to these things.”

Charlie grinned at me and shrugged.

“Figured it wouldn’t hurt to check it out,” he said and waved his hand. “Got good weed here.”

I gave him an amused look as I studied him. He wore a dark red t-shirt that hugged his shoulders and a pair of dark jeans and Nike’s. I recognized the pair from the first time I met him.

He wasn’t wrong about the effects of the drink creeping up on you. I was feeling the punch and when I took a step forward, I stumbled slightly in my heels.

See? That’s why I didn’t wear tall shoes.

Charlie steadied me with a firm grip on my elbow and I flashed him a grateful smile.

“Thanks,” I said. “I guess this is pretty strong.”

“No problem,” he said and studied me through hooded eyes. His eyes swept down my form and back to meet my face. “Nice dress.”

“Ay.”

We both turned to see Erik approach and I grinned up at him as he stopped in front of us. His eyes slid to Charlie’s grip on my arm and Charlie immediately dropped his hand.

“Look who it is,” I said to Erik, then frowned. “Why do people say that? I mean obviously you can see who the person is….”

Charlie gazed at me for a second before looking at Erik.

“Your girl’s gone, man,” he said, and I stuck my tongue out at him. He laughed.

“Nah,” Erik said studying me. “She’s always like that.” 

“Hey!”

Erik grinned at me, before nodding to the blunt in Charlie’s hand.

Charlie handed it to him without another word and watched as Erik took a drag and then exhaled slowly.

“Leaving out next week,” Charlie told him. “Got that job lined up.”

“Yeah?” Erik replied and looked at him.

“Good looking out,” Charlie said and grinned slightly. “Didn’t know you had pull like that.”

I listened to the exchange curiously, sipping lightly on my drink as I glanced back and forth between them.

Erik took another hit, holding it in slightly before letting it out. 

“Mostly my cuz,” he said lightly and titled his head at him. “We square?”

Charlie glanced at me for a second and I raised my brows at him. He grinned.

“Yeah,” he said and met Erik’s gaze again. “We good.”

He must have been referring to the favor of keeping an eye on me.

“Are you guys like in a secret mob group or something?” I asked. “And the rules are like the ones in Fight Club?”

Charlie looked at me, laughter in his eyes.

“Fight Club?”

I raised my brows.

“Oh, come on,” I said and planted a hand on my hip. “You’ve never seen Fight Club? You know? ‘The first rule about Fight Club is you never talk about Fight Club.’”

“If you don’t talk about it, why would I know about it?” Charlie asked.

“No, silly, it’s a line from the movie,” I said, and Charlie titled his head at me.

“So, they’re a mob group?” Charlie tried again. Erik was studying him through hooded eyes, still smoking his blunt.

“No!” I said and shook my head at him. “They’re a secret fighting club. Hence, Fight Club.”

“So how would we be like fight club? Or are we supposed to be a mob group?”

I groaned at him and waved a hand in frustration. 

“He’s messing with you,” Erik said, and I glanced at him and back to Charlie.

Charlie grinned at me.

“Yeah, I’ve seen it,” he said, and I narrowed my eyes at him.

“You’re an ass,” I snapped, and he laughed.

Erik didn’t though.

_____________________________

“Oh shit, Shae,” Courtney squealed. “I didn’t know you could dance!”

The living room had turned into a dance floor and they had a few windows open to allow for fresh air. It was still hot though, but people were either too high or too drunk to care. The music was loud enough that the floorboards shook, the lights dim, but still allowed for people to push through the crowd without the use of their phones.

I grinned at her and did and expert spin before dipping low right on cue.

 

I was so lit I didn’t even know what song this was. I didn’t care that we had an audience or that I was apparently the lead.

A chorus of whoops and cheers went up and she high fived me with a laugh. A small space had been made around us and Courtney had watched as I had fell into the beat with a toss of my head and a grin.

God, I missed dancing. I didn’t get to it as much when I moved and hadn’t been able to find another dance studio. Still, I had learned enough to learn how to move to the beat without having to follow a routine.

“Ok, ok, let me follow,” Courtney said and stepped in tune with me. “Rose, come here!”

I was just happy to dance again.

The key isn’t to try too hard. You have to follow the beat naturally and not force it. A roll of your hips there, a swing of your arms here, a few steps here and there. It’s about letting the rhythm flow through you and letting it sync up with the natural rhythm of your body. Most importantly, you need to let yourself have fun.

“She’s going, look at her!”

“Ya’ll get it!”

“Damn, who she here with?”

With one arm raised, I planted my other hand on my hip, and swayed my hips down to the ground and then up again. Courtney and Rose followed my movements well enough and they grinned back at me. I, at least, had enough sense to make sure that none of my movements would lift my dress too far. There was another wave of whoops and some of the guys whistled.

My eyes drifted across the room, not really taking in anyone until they landed on Erik’s handsome face. I winked at him and those full lips curved around his blunt into a smirk. No one was touching me, so he was content to just watch and let me have my fun. Charlie stood next to him, one hand in his pockets and the other wrapped around his cup. He saluted me as he raised it to his lips, the look in his eyes unreadable.

My attention was drawn away when Courtney wrapped her arms around me, pulling me back into a hug. The song had ended, and she was still hyped on the energy.

“Yes, girl, yes! We need to go out more!”

I laughed and patted her arms and she dropped them. She had to raise her voice to be heard over the music.

“Let’s get another drink,” she suggested, and I nodded.

It wasn’t like I was driving. I motioned that I was following Courtney and Erik nodded. We pushed our way through the crowd and I noticed that Rose had already left the living room.

The kitchen was empty, and I stepped under the grate and let the cold air wash over me. Goosebumps broke out along my skin and I could feel the sweat drying on my skin and clothes. I let out a big sigh in a “whoosh.”

Courtney laughed and poured me another glass of her jungle juice.

“Having fun?” she asked, and I nodded at her and grinned.

“You need to be teaching a class or something, I’m telling you,” she said, and I waved a hand.

“She’s right, you are good,” a voice said, and I turned to see Riley entering the kitchen, Rose behind her. “Did you take professional classes?”

“I used to attend a dance studio when I was in college and a bit through graduate school,” I said. I wasn’t surprised to see her here, but I just couldn’t tell what she wanted.

“That sounds fun,” she said and passed me the cup that Courtney had poured.

“Thanks,” I said and accepted it from her.

She and Rose poured their own drinks and then Riley hopped up to sit one of the kitchen counters. I sipped my drink and looked at her, but she just smiled back at me. Her change of attitude made me wary, but I decided to ignore it.

 _Whatever_.

 It was easy to get into conversation and Riley stayed pleasant, engaging with us as we talked. Courtney and I recounted some of the antics the kids got up to at the Center and laughed along with them.

“So, now that we’re all having fun,” Riley said and took another sip of her drink. “Is he really your first?”

“Riley!”

“Yes,” I said and they all looked at me. “My first real boyfriend and my first lover.”

I wasn’t one for mind games like this. I was too drunk to deal with whatever she was playing at.  I figured it be easier to just answer her questions.

“How did you and Erik end up together?” she asked and took a sip from her own drink.

I blinked at her and swirled my cup slightly. It was halfway empty, and I debated whether I wanted to get refill.

“You seem really interested in our relationship,” I said mildly, knowing that it was mostly the liquor talking. “Why is that?”

Riley tapped a painted nail against her chin in thought, ignoring the look Courtney gave her. Courtney had settled next to my other side and Rose was frowning at Riley.

At least I had them on my side.

“I’m not trying to be funny,” she said and plucked lightly at the end of my dress teasingly. “Real talk though? You just don’t seem like the type that he’d end up with.”

“Riley,” Rose groaned, “girl, why you always starting shit?”

“I’m not starting anything,” she protested. “I’m just trying to figure it out.”

“No, you trying to figure out why he hasn’t given you a second glance,” Courtney said and spared me an apologetic look. “Shae, I’m sorry.”

“It’s ok,” I said and took another sip from my cup. “I’m used to it.”

“Still, Riley doesn’t have to be…”

“I’m actually curious,” I said, and they looked at me in surprise. “Why everyone seems to be so surprised when they find out we’re together.”

I lifted my gaze from my cup to meet Riley’s gaze.

“Maybe you can enlighten me.”

Everyone grew quiet and Riley held my gaze as I kept swirling the rest of the liquid in my cup. I wasn’t a confrontational person normally, but I just wanted to get whatever the fuck this was over with.

“Well,” Riley said and shifted to lean back on her forearms. “It’s just that he seems like he’s as fuckboi, you know?”  


“Riley!” both Rose and Courtney exclaimed.

 

“What? Please, don’t tell me ya’ll don’t see that?”

 

I leaned back against the wall and tossed back the rest of my drink.

 

“Yeah,” I said and they looked at me in surprise. “He fucked around a lot before we met. In fact, I’m pretty sure he still was before we became official, when were just friends.”

 

Courtney blinked at me and I shrugged. It was true though.

 

“But, I’m not sure what that has to do with me,” I said and returned my attention to Riley. “Are you saying there’s something wrong with me?”

  
“No,” she said, shaking her head, but there was a look in her eye. “I’m just saying…. you don’t seem like the type of girl who can keep a nigga like that’s interest.”

 

Riley’s tone matter of fact. And oddly enough, I had the sense that she truly wasn’t trying to hurt my feelings, at least not in the petty way that I was used to. In her head, the equation wasn’t matching up.

 

“You mean, I’m boring?” I asked, and she titled her head at me. 

 

Riley shrugged, and Courtney leaned over and slapped her leg. Riley glared at her and rubbed her leg.

 

“Ow, shit, I didn’t say that. I’m just saying a nigga like that has got to be into some stuff that maybe you may not be into.”

 

We stared at each other and I furrowed my brows. I mean, yeah, Erik was the dominate one in bed, but he never did anything I didn’t want to do. And he had never tried to do anything that I didn’t like, either. Not yet at least.

  
Fuck, this was confusing.

 

“You think you are?” I asked, because I was drunk and I could feel my patience running out.

 

“Oh, girl, I know I am,” she said and grinned at me. “You feel me?”

 

Violence was never the answer. It’s the thought that ran through my head as I glared at her.

 

“Riley, that’s enough,” Courtney snapped. “You always be trying to prove something.”

 

“I ain’t trying to prove shit,” Riley snapped back. “I’m just trying to give Shae a chance to say if she can’t handle it, you know?”

 

_Bullshit._

 

She smiled at me and my hand twitched.

 

“And some girls just can’t handle niggas like that. There’s no shame in that.”

 

She didn’t know me or Erik. She was judging by appearances and maybe a bit of her own arrogance. Riley was a beautiful woman and was used to getting what she wanted. And me? I knew I was likely pretty at most, but I was too quiet, too sensitive for a guy like Erik. That’s what she was trying to say, hidden beneath a mask of pretending like she actually cared.

  
_You soft, Shae. Softer than most girls I’m used to_.

 

Goddamn her.

 

I pushed off the wall and Courtney gave me a frantic look, turning away from her cousin.

 

“Shae, don’t let her get to you…” she started but I flashed her a bright smile. She frowned, obviously sensing the frenzied energy behind it.

 

“It’s totally fine,” I said and flashed Riley a bright smile. “She’s just looking out, right?”

 

Riley gazed at me and took another sip of her drink. There was a tension to her and I wondered if she thought I was going to hit her.

 

She really didn’t know me.

 

 _And maybe she has a point_.

 

“Of course,” she said and flashed a smile back at me. “Just looking out.”

 

I turned to Courtney and nodded towards the drink in her hand.

 

“Were you gonna finish that?” I asked, and she blinked at me before handing it over.

 

It was stronger than mine and I was grateful as I downed it.

 

“Shae,” she said, and her gaze was wary. Courtney didn’t know me well enough to guess what I might do but I gave her a reassuring smile.

 

“It’s fine,” I said again. “Would you guys excuse me?”

 

Yeah, I was way too drunk to deal with her bullshit. And I wasn’t sure what I was going to do if I stayed in the room with her too long.

 

_Violence is never the answer._

 

Right. 

 


	10. Chapter 10

 

 “Ay, girl, I told you that shit was strong.”

  
I looked over my shoulder to see Charlie standing behind me on the stairs. He must have seen me struggling to get up the steps, swaying as I leaned against the handrail.  With a shake of his head, he looped an arm around my waist and helped me the rest of the way up.

 

“Why you trying to get up here anyway?” he asked when we reached the second floor. “Ain’t no one up here.”

“I know,” I said and leaned against him, my head spinning. “I wanted to come up here to think and….”

“It’s too loud down there!” I yelled the words down the stairs and sighed. “See? I bet no one heard that.”

Charlie was studying me and then moved back when he noticed I was standing on my own. I frowned at him.  

“What?” he asked and shoved his hands in his pockets.

“You keep doing that,” I said and waved a hand towards him. “You only touch me when you have to.”

Charlie raised a brow.

“So?” he asked and eyed me when I wobbled. “It’s called being polite, ma.”

I crossed my arms and the small peephole over my chest stretched lightly at the movement. His eyes flickered down briefly before going back to my face.

“That!” I exclaimed and pointed a finger at him. “Why do you keep looking at me like that?”

It was suspicious and I was too drunk to comprehend why. Charlie didn’t answer and just looked at me. His face had slid into an unreadable expression and I groaned.

“I hate when ya’ll niggas do that,” I complained. “Where did you learn that, huh? Secret spy school?”

I waved a finger.

 

“In times of crisis, make sure to mask all emotions to hide signs of weakness,” I said, making my voice go deep.

I wasn’t sure who I was trying to impersonate but that was pretty good, right?

“Why you up here, Shae?” Charlie asked and I blinked at his tone. “Looked like you was having fun.”

“I was,” I muttered and puffed my cheeks before letting out the air. “But I ran into Riley again.”

I leaned back against the wall and slumped down, tucking my legs underneath me. My dress stayed over my lap when I settled on the floor and Charlie frowned down at me.

“She talking shit to you or something?” he asked and I shrugged.

Charlie snorted and shook his head. 

“Damn, she’s getting bold,” he said and I blinked at him. “She’s been following E all night. Trying to talk him up and shit.” 

My eyes widened in shock. I hadn’t noticed that. Charlie cocked his head at me.

“He’s been telling her no all-night though. Shit, E’s got more patience than I remember.”

I shifted under his gaze, not quite sure how I felt about the look in his eyes.

“Takes a special kind of woman to change someone like him,” he mused. “What makes you special, Shae?”

I shrugged, rubbing a hand down my arm. I didn’t know what to say to that.

That was the whole point, wasn’t it? I wasn’t special, right?

“Shae.”

I turned to see Erik reach the top of the stairs and his eyes flickered between Charlie and me.

“Your girl’s really gone now,” Charlie told him and Erik sighed as he looked at me.

“It’s not my fault,” I insisted. “That stuff tastes just like juice. Juice! I had four cups before I knew it.”

Charlie shook his head at me, his grin renewed and made his way to the stairs.

“Ay, I’ll catch you later,” he said and exchanged a handshake with Erik.

He paused to look back at me and I cocked my head at him.

“He told her no, ma,” he said and I blinked. “Remember that.”

Erik watched him leave with a frown and I blinked.

Right. He had told her no.  What did that mean again?

Fuck, I was drunk.

“What are you doing down there?” Erik asked and I looked up at him.

“Hanging out,” I said and reached my arms up for him. With a shake of his head, he bent down and easily lifted me into his arms.

“I didn’t mean carry me,” I protested and he snorted.

“Like yo’ ass can walk,” he said. “You done for the night.”

“You are not carrying me out,” I protested. “I can walk, I swear.”

Erik eyed me for a second before reluctantly putting me back on my feet. When I stood without wobbling I gave him a triumphant look and he rolled his eyes.

“Good job. Let’s go,” he said and it was the look of irritation in his eyes that had me pausing.

Fuck, that would be the boring thing to do? Take your girl to party, she gets drunk and then you go home.

But I wasn’t boring. I could be spontaneous.

“Wait, there’s something I want to talk to you about first,” I said and he looked at me. “It’s important.”

“Let’s talk about it at home,” he said and I grabbed his wrist. “Shae…”

“Just real quick,” I said and tugged him down the hall. “Then we can go.”

It seemed Erik’s patience hadn’t run out yet for the night and he let me lead him with another shake of his head.

________________

The guest bedroom was unoccupied and I told myself it was a sign.

I plopped down on the bed and toed off my heels, Erik watching me with a frown.

“What is it, Shae?” Erik asked and I could see him studying me, knew he was trying to figure out what I was doing.

“What makes me special, Erik?” I asked and he blinked at the question. “I mean, what makes someone like you want to stay with someone like me?”

“What are you talking about?” he asked.

_He’s probably fucked at a party before._

I haven’t. I had been too shy to do it and Erik had always waited until we got home. I was starting to think he did it for my benefit, knowing me well enough that it would make me uncomfortable.

 _A nigga like that has got to be into some stuff that maybe you may not be into_.

My clothes felt sticky and uncomfortable from the dried sweat and I reached up behind me to tug at the zipper. Erik’s frown deepened.

“Riley said a girl like me isn’t enough for a nigga like you,” I said and tugged it down. “I mean, it’s pretty assumptive, but it seems a lot of people make the same assumptions.”

My fingers felt clumsy as I struggled with my zipper and I gave up and decided I didn’t need to take the dress of. That’s what a dress was for, right? Easy access?

“She said I’m boring,” I said and tugged lightly at the skirt of my dress, pulling it up past my thighs. “Do you think I’m boring?”

“I think you’re drunk,” he said and stepped towards me. “Let’s go, ma.”

When he leaned over to grab my arm I looped my arms around his neck and tugged. He relented and accepted the sloppy kiss I pressed to his lips. I stroked my fingers against the faded edges of his hair and nipped his bottom lip.

“Shae,” he said, his voice low. “I ain’t fucking you here.”

A spasm of insecurity hit me as his words, but I shrugged it off. I licked his bottom lip and he braced himself over me slightly.

“Why not?” I whined and my fingers stroked along the warm metal of his chains at the back of his neck.

“Cause you’ll be shitty about it tomorrow,” he said. “I know you, baby girl.”

I dropped my head back and glared at him.

“Why, cause I’m too boring to fuck at a party?” I asked and he just looked at me. I felt my irritation grow. Since when was he the patient one?

“Let’s go, Shae,” he said simply and shook his head. “I ain’t arguing with you right now.”

It made me feel like a small child. I could hear the warning in his voice, but I didn’t care. He had moved off me to stand and I rose to my feet clumsily.

I wasn’t boring and I’d prove it.

Erik seemed almost amused when I pushed at him, moving him until his back hit the wall. He allowed it, those dark eyes watching me as my hands tugged clumsily at his belt.

“What are you doing?” he asked, and I could hear the touch of amusement in his voice. My irritation grew, and I glared at him.

“You’re going to fuck me,” I said, and I knew for sure he thought my words were funny. “Right here.”

“When we get home,” he said, and I blinked at him. “But not here.”

“Since when do you turn down sex,” I snapped and he raised a brow. “What, you’ve never done it at a party before?”

“Yeah,” he said simply. “Don’t want to now.”

We stared at one another and I had to blink a few times, trying to understand. I was lost.

“Why?” I asked and he shrugged.

“Ain’t feeling it,” he said, and I furrowed my brows at him.

“Is it because it’s me?” I asked softly and took a step back. “I mean, if I was someone else would you….”

_She’s been following him all night._

Riley’s persistence may have been more than just jealousy. As angry as she had made me, she was right in a sense. I wasn’t the type of girl who’d fuck at a party. It was stupid and immature, but it still bothered me.

Erik watched as I moved back to the bed and dropped down to glare up at the ceiling.

“If you…” I started and paused to push out a breath. “If you didn’t want me anymore or if you were bored, you would say something right?”

Erik made an irritated sound, but I didn’t bother sitting up to look at him. I was happy I wasn’t crying. Normally when I was drunk and upset, the tears would fall.

As it was, I was mostly angry with myself.

“I mean, I was just thinking to myself,” I continued and spread my hands out over the bed. “That it was kind of weird cause you’re…you and I’m…me.”

I curled my hands into fists and finally felt tears of frustration well in my eyes.

“And I’m always gonna have these hang ups and I didn’t want you to feel like you have to deal with me all the time, you know? And maybe the whole unexperienced thing would get old for you and you’d move on to something where you wouldn’t have to….”

I was rambling, my drunken insecurities tumbling out and laid bare. Erik and I had been together for a while but there were still moments like these and I wasn’t sober enough to remember that I should probably try looking into what that meant.

 “I mean, if you wanted someone else, I always thought you’d just say so, because you’re direct like that and if you…” 

“You remember that night a few months back, when I had that nightmare about my pops?”

I blinked at the random question and finally looked at him. He was leaning against the wall, his arms crossed as he looked at me.

Where did that come from?

When I didn’t say anything, he tilted his head at me.

“I hurt you, remember? You tried to wake me up and I grabbed your wrist too hard.”

Erik had night terrors sometimes, the dark memories of his past taking form in his dreams. I had known about them even before we had moved to Oakland, but there was more context to them now. There weren’t as many, but they popped up every now and then.

“I think so,” I said and absently wiped at a few tears that escaped. “I think I made a joke about it, saying at least it wasn’t my dominant hand or something.”  

He hadn’t thought it was funny. He looked like it still wasn’t.

“Yeah,” he said and shook his head. “Walking around with a sprained wrist, trying to make _me_ feel better.”

He held my gaze and I blinked at him.

“Even when you didn’t understand why I had them, you were never scared of me. You toughed that shit out and every time I have one, you’re always there, waking me up, and talking me down.”

“Well, that’s because I love you,” I said softly and furrowed my brows at him. “But I don’t understand…”

“You think just because I want to fuck you, and I don’t, that must mean I’d rather be fucking someone else?”

I had pushed myself up, so I was sitting up straight and glanced down at my hands in my lap, feeling shame bubble up. Erik sighed.

“Damnit, Shae,” he muttered, and I glanced back at him. “I ain’t dealing with you. The shit you go through, all these hang-ups, all the stupid shit you think about yourself, that ain’t me dealing with you.”

He looked at me firmly.

“Get this straight, ma. I want to fuck you. All the time, anywhere. But I know you ain’t always down for that shit.”

I opened my mouth to protest and he gave me a warning look.

“Nah, yo’ ass needs to listen,” he said and I closed my mouth. “I know where you got all that shit from, just like I know why you got issues with it. You got your shit to work out, just like I got mine.”

I blinked a few more tears away, still feeling contrite. 

“Baby girl, this shit ain’t nothing compared to what you gotta put up with me,” he said and finally moved to sit next to me. “I don’t give a shit if we gotta have this same damn conversation every fucking day. That just gives me another chance to tell you the same every day.”

Erik pressed a kiss to my lips and stroked my cheek gently.

“I don’t want no one else but you, Shae,” he said. “And I ain’t fucking no one else but you.”

I gave him a smile, my heart bursting at his words. His lips quirked at my expression and he tapped my nose lightly.

“So,” I said slowly as I studied his face. “You would fuck me here?”

Erik looked like he was going to laugh and instead shook his head.

“Yeah,” he said and nudged my leg with his own. “But because you want to, not cause you trying to prove a point.”

I raised my brows at him and he gave me a look.

“I know that bitch has been messing with you,” he said, and I frowned. “You ain’t got nothing to prove, Shae.”

“I'm not trying…” I said, and he gave me a look, cutting me off. “I mean, not really.”

I leaned against him and let out a sigh.

“It’s not me you’re mad at, right?” I asked, watching his face closely. “I mean, you’ve seemed kind of irritated.”

Erik rubbed a hand through his dreads and shook his head.

“Nah, it ain’t you,” he said and sucked his teeth. “She’s getting on my fucking nerves though.”

“Does that happen a lot?” I asked, and he looked at me. “I mean do girls normally follow you around like that? I guess I’ve never noticed before.”

Erik studied me for a moment and I pursed my lips.

“You know what? I don’t really wanna know,” I muttered. “But I do think I’m ready to go home.”

__________________________________

“Thought yo’ ass was leaving,” Erik remarked when we found Charlie downstairs. “The fuck you still doing here?”

Charlie shrugged and motioned to the trash bag in his hands. I shook my head, amused. Courtney had the skill of roping in anyone she spotted to get work done. It seemed that even Charlie wasn’t immune.

The living room was empty, but I could feel the floorboards shaking. Looked like they had moved the party downstairs to the basement. Ugh, it was probably hot and humid down there.

“Got grabbed for cleaning duty,” he said and titled his head at me. “You all good?”

I nodded and smiled at him.

“Yeah,” I said and squeezed Erik’s hand. “I’m good.”

The front door swung open and I jumped as Riley stalked in, wiping her hands on her jeans. She smelled of ash and I wondered if she came in from a cigarette break.

She paused when she saw us, her eyes going to my hand in Erik’s and back to my face. That tension was in her eyes again and I got the feeling that the sight annoyed her. I held her gaze steadily, not quite sure what she was going to do.

“You good, ma?” Charlie asked her casually. Riley’s gaze shifted to him and she eyed him. I saw a flicker of appreciation enter her eyes as she looked at him closely. It seemed she had been so distracted with Erik she hadn’t noticed Charlie until now.

“What? You want something?” she asked and planted a hand on one hip.

Charlie grinned at her.

“Maybe.”

She gave him another once over.

“Come find me when you got something better than a maybe,” she said and spared me another look. With a roll of her eyes and toss of her hair, she left the room.

Had she just? But just a few seconds ago she was….

“What just happened?” I asked and Erik quirked a brow at me.

I waved a hand vaguely in the direction Riley had went.

“She just…” I said before words failed me. Good Lord she recovered quickly. That was some unshakeable confidence.

Erik met Charlie’s gaze and they smirked at each other.

“Ay, sometimes you gotta know when to change strategy and cut your losses,” Charlie said and then laughed at his own joke. Erik rolled his eyes.

“She don’t give up,” Erik muttered, “I’ll give her that.”

He spared Charlie a look.

“Have fun with that,” he told him, and Charlie laughed again.

“Like old times, huh?” Charlie said. “You never did make it easy, did you?”

I raised my brows at that. Did Charlie often get the girls that Erik rejected?

“Nah, nigga,” Erik said, “your problem is you always going after something you can’t have.”

The words had Charlie sobering suddenly and he looked at Erik. They stared at each other for a second and I felt a shift in the room. 

Well, what the hell was this? Had I missed something?

Charlie’s eyes drifted to me for a very brief second before returning to meet Erik’s.

Erik’s face was blank and I couldn’t get a good read on the look in his eyes.   
That was troubling in and of itself. I normally could at least guess at what Erik was thinking by looking into his eyes.

Then just as suddenly, Charlie let out a sigh and the tension ebbed.

“Shit, nigga you probably right,” he said and grinned. “Made things interesting though.”

“Till you pulled me into the shit,” Erik muttered, but there was a hint of humor in his eyes now.

“Come on,” Charlie teased. “Don’t tell me you wasn’t down for most of it.”

Erik shrugged, and Charlie laughed again.

Whatever moment that had just happened between them had passed.

Why did it seem like I was always missing something when it came to Erik?

No, that wasn’t right.

My eyes drifted to Charlie as they kept chatting. I was missing something about him, something that Erik had picked up on.

Whatever Charlie and Erik had been through together, it was apparently enough that Erik was able to look past whatever he’d noticed. Or at least, he wasn’t dealing with it for now, not in front of me.

Damnit.

 I hated being out of the loop, but I decided that I didn’t want to know. My instincts were warning me not to push the issue and they had never failed me before.

Good thing we were going home, I guess. I needed to text Courtney and tell her I was leaving and that I had a great time.

But I didn’t really care for her cousin.

_____________________________

Erik was on me as soon as we stepped into the apartment.  I had tried pulling away, but he tugged me back into his arms as soon as the door was closed.

“Where you goin’?” he asked and pulled me flush against him, my back pressed to his broad chest. “Thought you wanted me to fuck you.”

I gasped, the warmth stirring in my lower belly at his words. He began to place opened mouth kisses along my neck and I felt his warm hands stroking up the front of my thighs, slipping underneath my dress.

“Erik,” I said and let out a small moan when he bit down lightly on my neck, my nipples tightening at the sensation.

He turned me to face him, dropping his head down to capture my lips into a kiss. I parted my lips for him, letting his tongue slid into to my mouth and he kissed me deeply. He backed me up until my back hit the wall, his hands continuing to stroke along my thighs.

Erik pulled away with a light nip to my bottom lip, before tracing a path down my neck, his hands coming up to squeeze and knead my breasts through my dress. I let my head fall back to rest against the wall, gasping when he pinched my nipples lightly. A hand slipped down to slid into my panties, stroking along my folds, testing the wetness that grew.

Erik claimed my lips again and I began rocking my hips against the movements of his questing fingers. I reached up a hand to bury in his dreads, returning his kiss eagerly as his lips slanted along mine, our tongues mingling together.

Two fingers plunged inside, and I groaned, my other hand gripping his shirt tighter. I could hear the wet sounds as he kept pumping his fingers, sliding in a third one to stretch me. My legs began to shake as he twisted his fingers back and forth, stroking along the slick muscles of my pussy.

“Erik,” I moaned, “oh, I….”

Erik tilted his head to trace his tongue along the shell of my ear.

“Come on,” he encouraged, and I yelped when he angled his hand to press in deeper, “cum for me, baby girl.”

His thumb pressed down hard on my clit and I cried out as the pleasure exploded along my skin, my release soaking his fingers. I whimpered when he removed them slowly, a flick against my clit making me jump slightly.

Erik smirked at the look on my face and I blinked up at him.

“Been wanting to fuck you in that dress all night,” he said as he unbuckled his jeans.

His dark eyes held mine. “Wasn’t thinking ‘bout nothing else.”

I understood the extra meaning behind his words and I smiled at him.

Erik pulled me back into his arms, dropping his lips to kiss me again and I slid my arms around his shoulders. I didn’t think anything of it when his hands stroked around to cup my ass, too busy leaning into his embrace to guess his intent.

It was only the sudden flex of his arms and the tightening of his grip that alerted me to the fact that he was going to pick me up. Erik backed me against the wall again and then lifted me into his arms easily. I tightened my arms around his shoulders, and let my legs lift to wrap around his waist.

I felt a flutter of fear and panic as soon as I left the ground, but Erik held me steady, shifting so he could use one hand to angle his length to line up to my entrance, nudging my underwear out of the way.

Oh god, if he dropped me, I wouldn’t survive the embarrassment.

“Erik,” I said, even as I felt the head of him push in, “put me down.” 

“Chill, princess, I got you,” he said with a smirk.

And then he loosened his grip slightly, allowing me to slide down until his dick filled me, my walls stretching to let him in.

“Fuck,” I cried, my fingers digging into his shoulders. He huffed in amusement and shifted to tighten his grip on my ass, rocking up into me.

I felt pleasure spread through my body, my walls fluttering around him each time he pushed in deep. I clung to him, my body tight and I wasn’t sure if I should try bracing my weight more against the wall or against him.

Erik kept fucking me, his pace hard and rough. I wasn’t sure what kind of noises I was making, but it had him laughing lightly as he leaned forward slightly to press a kiss against my lips.

“Relax, baby girl,” he said, when I made another panicked sound as he shifted his grip, “I ain’t gonna drop you.”

I only whimpered, my back arching as he pushed against that spot again. Even under his shirt, I could feel the muscles flexing as he controlled the movements of my body, his grip firm.  

“Fuck, Erik, fuck….” I moaned out, feeling him tilt his hips slightly. It had him hitting that spot directly each time I fell down onto him and I wasn’t going to last long.

“You gonna cum for me?” he asked, one hand reaching to grip my hair. He tilted my head back and forcing me to arch more, his hips never stopping.

“Yes,” I cried, “oh, right there…”

I was too lost in the pleasure now to remember that I had been worried he was going to drop me. Erik hadn’t even broken a sweat yet, dark eyes watching as I became undone around him.

My fingers had scraped down to grip his biceps and with a final deep thrust, I screamed, digging my fingernails into his flesh as I came. He kept moving, pressing me closer to the wall as he kept pumping into me.

He dropped his lips to crook of my neck and groaned when I squeezed him tight.

“Shit,” he hissed and braced one hand, the other holding me effortlessly.

I could feel the strain in his arms, the muscles solid underneath my hand. I knew he was close, could feel the staggered movement of his hips and I titled my head to stroke my tongue along the throbbing pulse in his neck. I sucked on the spot, before moving my lips up to his hear.

“Cum for me, Daddy,” I said and Erik’s grip on me tightened, his strokes coming faster.

It never failed to make him lose it when I called him that.

“Fuck,” Erik groaned and with one last stroke he came, his fingers digging into the curves of my ass. 

I shuddered at the sensation and titled my head to capture his lips in a kiss. He kissed me deeply, his grip still steady as he kept holding me effortlessly. 

I pulled away and licked my lips as I held his gaze.

“I think this is officially my favorite dress now,” I said and he laughed.

_________________________

I’m dying. Or at least, I think I’m dying.

“I’m never drinking again,” I wailed, as I leaned over the toilet in the upstairs bathroom. “I’m going dry for the rest of my…”

I never got to finish my sentence as my stomach churned and my body tried regurgitating the contents of my stomach. But it was a failed effort because there was nothing left. Since I woke up this morning my body had been punishing me for my alcohol intake.

Erik shook his head as he leaned against the wall, watching me. There wasn’t an ounce of pity on his face.

“Uh huh,” he said, watching as I dry heaved. “Sure you will.”

I glared at him and accepted the cool washcloth he handed me. My mouth felt gross, my head hurt, I was sweating and I _hated_ throwing up.

“You were supposed to cut me off at two,” I protested. “I had four!”

“I did,” he said dryly, watching as I wiped my mouth. “Don’t blame me for this, ma. You grown.”

I had hurried to the bathroom as soon as I felt my stomach churning and had felt relief when I made it in time. When I stayed here too long, he had wandered in and had just stood there as I suffered.

“Aren’t you grossed out watching me?” I asked, and he shrugged.

“Nah,” he said and titled his head. “This shit ain’t nothing.”

I turned quickly back to the toilet, my body reminding me that I had gone over my limit of what alcohol I could take. Fuck, I hadn’t been hungover since college.

What the fuck did Courtney put in her jungle juice?

I wiped at my mouth again and flushed the toilet and leaned back against the wall. I eyed Erik who was studying me. A flash of last night came back to me.

“Hey, did I kind of accuse you of cheating last night?” I asked, hesitantly.

“Yeah,” he said simply. “Sort of.” 

“Oh,” I said and searched his face. He didn’t look mad. “I’m sorry.”

“We good,” he said and titled his head. “I knew you didn’t mean it.”  

“Well, I mean. It still wasn’t really cool for me to assume that,” I said softly and grimaced as my stomach churned again. “I guess this is Karma, huh?”

Erik shrugged.

“You would’ve found a way to feel bad about it anyway,” he said dryly and watched as I leaned over the toilet again.

I heaved again and whimpered when my stomach contracted, but nothing would come out.

“Oh God,” I breathed. “I’m dying. You know, that right? You’re standing there watching me die.”

“Talk a lot for an almost dead person,” he remarked and I squinted up at him.

 He just looked back at me and I had to wonder if maybe he was feeling a little vindicated. I hadn’t been my best self last night.

“Help me,” I wailed. “Isn’t there some Wakandan remedy for hangovers or something you can give me?”

“Not here,” he remarked absently.

I blinked at that. I had kind of been kidding.  

“Erik!” I whined. “Don’t you have something?”

“Aight, chill,” he said and pushed off from the wall. “I got you, baby girl.”

I heaved a sigh of relief and slumped against the wall as he left the room.

Nope, I was never ever drinking again. Probably.


	11. Chapter 11

 

 

_Take a deep breathe in and then let it out slowly. Stay in corpse pose until you are ready to end your practice._

 

I had reached the end of my yoga routine and felt relaxed as I laid flat on my yoga mat. After taking the rest of yesterday to recover from my hangover, I had decided to start my morning with an hour-long yoga routine. It was midday now and the rays of the sun that filtered through the living room window felt warm on my skin. My yoga app would continue to play soothing forest sounds in the background until I turned it off and I was content to just stay grounded in the present moment.

 

Erik, who had always been an early riser, had woken and gotten ready for work without waking me. He may have taken the week off for me, but that didn't mean he had done the same.

 

I kept breathing slowly, spreading out my awareness, through the relaxed muscles and natural warmth of my body. I felt a spot of tension in my lower back, so I moved into reclining pigeon pose, holding my right leg and pulling it toward my chest. It was a nice stretch and I continued to breathe through it. After a moment or two, I switched legs and repeated the pose. As I went through the motions, I allowed my thoughts to drift.

 

One particular thought had been filtering through my brain since Erik’s return and I finally allowed myself to dwell on it.

 

The past few days had drudged up some older insecurities that I had kept buried for a while. I had been working through them slowly and Erik’s love and support had helped, but there was a part of me that was greatly annoyed with how easily I was letting them get to me.

 

I dropped my legs down and planted my feet to the mat, still staring up at the ceiling.

 

Erik’s absence had affected me more than I had been willing to admit, and it was something that we really hadn’t talked about since his return. In fact, I had felt so focused on myself that I hadn’t really checked in with him since he had gotten back. In a way, I knew Erik preferred for the attention in our relationship to be on me, but I didn’t think that was fair.

 

I rubbed absently at the soft skin of my belly, my tank top having ridden up during my movements.

 

Erik had made so much progress in the last year. He was more open with me, didn’t hold things back and kept me updated when things were getting tough out in the field. He was as straightforward and direct as he always was, but he still had the habit of waiting for me to ask before he told me something. He offered the important things, but the smaller things, like how he was feeling or if he was doing ok, I had to coax those out of him. Erik was still closed off in that aspect of himself and it was easy for my own emotions and hang-ups to overshadow our relationship.

 

I let out another deep breath and furrowed my brows.

  
Come to think of it, he’d been a bit distracted since he’d gotten back. His attention on me was still there, but I had noticed he seemed to be brooding a bit more. I had no idea if it had something to do with this last trip, Riley or even the whole incident with Reggie, but I was annoyed with myself for not picking up on it sooner.

 

I let out a few more breaths, pushing out that negative energy with it. It wouldn’t do to just be annoyed with myself. I allowed a few more minutes of drifting under the filtered sun before sitting and rolling up my mat. Now that I was more aware there was a problem, my energy would be better spent reconciling it.

 

_____________

 

I had taken up the habit of journaling a while ago, but really got back into it once I had moved. It had gotten easier because it was something I encouraged the kids to do.

 

It’s always an awkward process at first. Many people are uncomfortable when forced to write out their experiences, mostly because we don't often take such introspective looks at ourselves. It’s easier to write out entries like ‘this happened, then this happened’ instead of the more thoughtful reflections like ‘this made me feel’ or ‘I need to work on this.’

 

Once I had taken a quick shower and grabbed a bowel of fruit to eat, I settled onto a comfortable recliner chair in the study area on the second floor of our loft. I slipped open the journal and began skimming through until I got to the blank page.

 

My current journal was a birthday gift from Erik. It was a leather-bound journal that I had worked halfway through before work got busy. I loved the journal and loved that he knew me well enough to get me that type of gift.

  
Speaking of which….

 

 _‘Find birthday gift for Erik_.’

 

I wrote the words on a blank page, deciding that I’d create a to do list for the next few months. My journal had reminded me of birthdays, which had reminded me that Erik’s birthday was just a month away.

 

Since Erik had claimed he’d be staying in town more often, I might finally get my shot at celebrating his birthday properly. Whether it was coincidence or by his design, we were never together when it was his birthday. That first year, I hadn’t had any idea when his birthday was. When he came back from Wakanda, it had already passed when I did learn about it. Then, when we moved in together, he had been conveniently out of town on business.

 

Fed up, I had confronted him about it, pointing out that while he was always present and ready to celebrate my birthday, he seemed to have no intentions of celebrating his. He told me that after his father had died, he had stopped celebrating his birthday. It held too many memories of a father and mother he’d never get back.

 

Maybe that’s what had prompted his mood? It wasn’t anywhere near the time of his father’s death and those were the two events in the year that could leave Erik in a quietly brooding mood. Even though he wasn’t alone anymore, the habits of his past were still there and the biggest one is that Erik liked to do things alone. Even if that meant dealing with his pain alone too.

 

I sighed and resettled in the chair and began reading through my journal entries. The entries were a glimpse into my memories of the past year and the development of my relationship with him. I remembered our first anniversary together, where he had taken me to the beach for the first time. He had rented out a vacation home and we had spent the time relaxing and making love to the sound of crashing waves outside our window. Or the anniversary of my mother’s death, where he had stayed in with me as my own mood shifted to being dismissal at most. I had kept up a brave face at work, but once I was at home, he had been by my side when I broke down. It had been the first time I wasn’t able to visit her grave and it had taken a toll on me.

 

Then there was my birthday where we’d gone to an arts festival in Los Angeles. I had a blast and tried out new foods from some food truck vendors that had been stationed there. Then we’d stayed in a hotel and watched movies, the weekend topping off with some bomb ass sex too. It had been fun and low-key and I got to see that wonderful smile of his the whole time.

 

As I kept flipping through the pages, I read through the memories of doing some home visits with the kids. Erik’s presence had been a solid comfort when I realized that my experiences was nothing compared to what some people were growing through. I had grown up comfortably and didn’t really have that street smarts to navigate the area on my own. But no one had messed with me because I was with Erik and I had learned a lot about myself in the process. In my own way, I had been privileged because the things that I had worried about while growing up was nothing compared to what the things these kids were dealing with in their daily lives. I had gotten checked on that a lot last year and I had learned to take it in stride.

 

But all of these entries made me realize that the focal point of the last year had been on me. There were a few entries about Erik’s mood shifts, or his trips or the one about his night terrors. But those were far less than the ones about me. I turned back to the page I had written on and waggled my pen between my fingers. 

 

 _Find birthday gift for Erik._  

 

I worried my bottom lip as I racked my brain for ideas. Erik could get whatever he wanted on his own. All the gifts I had given him, although belated, had been received with the appropriate amount of gratitude. He had told me not to bother getting him stuff and I kind of found it funny. I mean, he was always spoiling me, why did he get to be resistant when I wanted to do the same?

 

My salary was the biggest change I had to get used to. On my own, my income was more than enough to keep me happy and I had even built up a pretty good savings from the first year. I think he found that slightly amusing, but he left it alone. Regardless of what happened in the future, I still felt it was important to have my own autonomy with my money and that included having an emergency fund. If something happened, I wanted to rely on my own money to take care of myself. Life could be funny sometimes and I was determined to be prepared.  So what if my boyfriend happened to be a Prince from the wealthiest nation in the world? 

 

I shifted to lean over and grab my phone off the end table next to me and pulled up Shuri’s number.

 

A few rings later and she answered.

 

“Hey, Shuri,” I said and began absently drawing a few squiggles in my journal. “You’re still in town, right?”

 

“Yes,” she said and seemed slightly distracted. Probably working on an invention no doubt. “My brother and I won’t be leaving for a few days.”

 

I raised my brows in surprise.

 

“I hadn’t realized T’Challa was in town. Erik didn’t mention it,” I said, and she hummed.

 

“Why would he?” she asked, sounding slightly amused. “He was checking in on the center as we likely won’t be returning for a while. At least he won’t.”

 

“Oh,” I said and shifted in my seat. “Well, maybe you guys could stop by for dinner or to hang out before you leave? I’m always happy to host.”

  
Shuri laughed softly and I heard the sound of tapping metal.

 

“Does my cousin know about this invitation?” she teased, and I grinned.

 

“No, but he’ll get over it. There’s nothing wrong with spending time with family,” I said, and she laughed again. “Maybe tomorrow?  Nothing strenuous. Just a chance to relax and catch up. Maybe watch some movies.”

 

“I will ask my brother,” she said, and I could tell by her tone that she was interested. “He will likely say yes though. He’s been a bit distracted and it’s easier to get him to say yes when he’s that way.”

 

“Distracted?” I asked, curious. “Is everything ok?”

 

“Yes,” she said and I could hear the sound of her typing. “Ah, he’s a bit annoyed with a few elders back home. We’re trying to get the final arrangements for the Wakandan summer program and there’s only two spots now.”

 

I furrowed my brows in confusion.

 

“The Wakandan Summer Program?” I asked, and she hummed in affirmation.

 

“Oh, I thought N’Jadaka would have told you. Well, my brother has determined that while our efforts to send out aid have been a success, he would like to implement a program letting a few scholars in. It is mostly just a summer studies program at Wakanda University and will let outsiders get a glimpse into the education offered in Wakanda.”

  
She sounded so nonchalant about it. As if the fact that the policy of keeping outsiders out that had lasted for years, no centuries, was about to go out the window. Was that what Nakia had been hinting at?

 

“I thought he was playing favorites with the first spot,” she continued. “But then I read her background and her answers, and I had to admit she seems impressive. I can’t wait to meet her. Did you know she and Nakia used to be friends?”

 

I was at a lost, still reeling from the previous realization and must have missed her next few words

 

“Who?” I asked, weakly. “I don’t know who you’re talking about.”

 

“Sorry,” she said, and I heard the tapping of metal again. “I forgot you’re always the last to know, eh? One of the candidates used to go to school with my brother and they were very close. He doesn’t talk about what happened, but I think he’s happy she applied. I think he might like her, you know?”

 

“Erik said there was a woman T’Challa had a crush on,” I said, feeling slightly guilty for gossiping. But this was some juicy stuff. “I hadn’t realized they had a past.”

 

“My brother has been acting nervous all day because she will be calling him tomorrow for her last interview. She doesn’t know it’s him and he’s not sure how she’ll take it.”

 

“Did things end badly between them?” I asked, trying to piece things together.

 

“I’m not sure,” she sighed. “I suppose not if he’s eager to talk to her. He said that he’s getting a chance to right a wrong. He’s so funny when it comes to things like that.”

 

I was trying to wrap my things around everything and realized I had gotten completely off point with what I had originally called her for.

 

“This is really interesting, Shuri,” I said. “And I’d love to catch up on it tomorrow, but I was actually calling to see if you had any ideas for Erik’s birthday? I'm trying to figure out a gift for him and it’s kind of hard because he can get anything he wants, you know?”

 

She paused her typing when I asked the question.

 

“Well, I think he’d be happy if he was just with you,” she said and resumed typing. “I don’t think an actual gift will make much of a difference. “

 

“So, that’d be a no to ideas then,” I said and sighed. “Thanks, anyway.”

 

Ah, well it had been worth a shot. I could tell she was working and prodding her wasn’t going to do me any good. Maybe T’Challa would have some ideas….

 

____________________

 

“Miss Shae, I know you’re vacation time is not up yet,” Mrs. Danielle said when I walked into the center. “What are you doing here?”

  
I gave her a sheepish grin and shook my head. Mrs. Danielle was the oldest counselor here and was reaching her sixties. She had been here since the centers opened up and I had been relieved that she hadn’t treated me any differently when it got around that Erik and I were dating. She reminded me a bit of Ms. Janice and I had sat in on some of the seminars she taught to adults. She also knew how to draw on her past experiences as a way of teaching others.    


“I know, I know. But I'm actually here for Erik, not to work,” I said, and she looked at me skeptically.

 

Ok, so maybe I had gotten bored. After writing out a few more entries in my journal, I realized I didn’t have anything to do. I wanted to take my braids out, but Erik was going to help me with that later. I had not planned out this vacation well. And it still didn’t sit well with me that I had left Erik to his darker mood. I figured checking in on him would be a good way to see how he was doing.

 

“Uh huh,” she teased and grinned at me. “You couldn’t last a day without checking on your group, huh?” 

 

“No, I swear I’m not!” I insisted and squirmed at the look she gave me. “I mean, everyone’s doing fine, right?”

 

Mrs. Danielle gazed at me for a second longer before laughing. It was a hearty sound and I found myself joining in.

 

“Wooh child, you are worrisome. Yes, everyone’s fine and are managing to survive a day without you,” she said and shook her head at me. “You’re the one who needs to take a break.”

 

“I know,” I sighed and slipped my hands into the pockets of my jean shorts. “I was just thinking how it felt odd not having to work. Normally, I _needed_ to work, you know? Now we can just take off and know we’ll be fine.”

 

“It is something to get used to,” she agreed, nodding. “I’ve been employed since I can remember, and this is the first job that I’m working because I want to and not because I have to.”

 

“No one knows how to spend leisure time,” I said, and she gave me a look. “Including me, I guess.”

 

“Well, the first step is to stay home or avoid doing work,” she said and planted a hand on her hip. “I bet when you get back those kids are going to be doing just fine without you and that’s a good thing. Now you need to learn to live your life outside of work.” 

 

“I know,” I sighed again. “I know.”

 

“Good. And I don’t want see you skulking around here, trying to find something to do, you hear me?” she prompted, a brow raised.

 

“Yes, ma’am,” I said and gave her a grin. “I will do my best to relax.”

 

“As hard as it may be for you,” she teased. “Most people don’t know it but learning to let go and relax is just as important as learning to work hard.”

 

Yeah, no kidding.

______________________

 

“Hello, Miss Shae,” Ms. Palina said. “I thought you were on vacation?”

That made it officially the fifth time someone had asked me that since I had made my way through the Center to Erik’s office.

“Oh, I am,” I said, smiling at her. “I just came to see Erik. Is he available?”

I wondered if I could get my own assistant. Ms. Palina was a nice, older woman who always had a smile. She barely batted an eye at Erik’s language or rude behaviour. Her no-nonsense attitude was just what he needed, and she did her job well.

Plus, she liked me, so that made it better. 

 “I was told he’s always available for you,” Ms. Palina said. The wrinkles around her eyes deepened when she gave me her warm smile and I grinned back at her.

“Thank you, Ms. Palina,” I said, and she nodded before turning back to her computer.

I still knocked on the door before entering, because you know, manners.

Erik’s office was twice the size of mine and decked out with the type of tech that I had no idea how to use. He had another workshop here, similar to the one he had at home and it’s where he let some of the kids’ tinker with personal projects when they were stuck and needed his help.

It also tended to impress the officials who came by. He didn’t hold a lot of meetings on his own, preferring for either Nakia or T’Challa to lead them, but if they were too busy he’d pick them up. He didn’t care for them, but I had been present to see that Erik knew how to move through social circles when he wanted to. It was impressive, to say the least.

He was currently sitting at his work station, wearing a buttoned-down dress shirt and slacks. His hair was braided back from his face and those gold-wired glasses were perched on his nose.

Oh damn.

He looked up, noticing that I had entered but didn’t say anything. He must have read the expression on my face because he smirked and beckoned me forward.

“Sup, princess?”

I shook myself and went to him, wrapping my arms around his shoulders in a brief hug. Not satisfied with just that, he titled his head to capture my lips in a brief kiss and I laughed softly. I took a step back and pulled up a rolling stool, so I could sit next to him.

“I got bored,” I said and nudged against the floor to rotate my stool slightly. “So, I figured I’d drop by and see how you were doing.”

Erik snorted before returning to his work.

“Can’t last a day, huh?” he said, and I rolled my eyes.

“That’s what Mrs. Danielle said,” I muttered, and he huffed a small laugh.

He was working with some wiring and I vaguely wondered what the function of his device was. I didn’t bother asking, mostly because that wasn’t why I was here right now.

“So,” I said slowly, watching as he gently tugged a red wire and slipped it through another piece. “It’s going to be your birthday next month.”

 “Oh yeah,” Erik responded absently. “Shit happens every year huh?”

Hmm. I shouldn’t have expected anything more than that type of response.

“We have to plan something,” I said, watching his expression carefully. “This’ll be your first birthday we can spend together. I mean, if you don’t leave for work again.”

“Ok.”

I frowned at him, watching as he continued working. He was very precise, his brows furrowed in concentration as he searched for the pieces he needed and tossed away what he didn’t. 

“Don’t be like that, Erik,” I said and rolled past him. “It’s your birthday.”

If I couldn’t give him a gift, maybe we could make plans together. I had thought that’d be the easier option, but I should have known even that would be like pulling teeth. I did a small spin on the stool, before pushing off again and rolling back in the other direction.

“So?” he asked, as he picked up another piece, and inspected it under one of the magnifying glasses on his station.

I huffed.

“So, “I said, pausing next to him before doing repeating the rolling motions. “It’s a special day, so you should do something special.” 

“Ain’t nothing special about it, ma,” he said and inserted it into the cartridge, quickly and efficiently. “Just another day.”

“It’s _your_ birthday,” I emphasized and pushed off so that I rolled near him. When I went to push away again, his arm shot out to grip my seat, stopping my motions. He turned his own seat to face me and pulled me so that I was stationed between his legs.

“It’s just another day,” he repeated. “Same as every fucking year.”

I pouted at him. If anything, I was more annoyed with myself that I hadn’t realized sooner. I finally had my chance to celebrate it with him and if I hadn’t noticed, I knew he would have never said anything. 

Erik tapped the end of my nose and I scrunched my face at him. He chuckled and shook his head.

“Ay, look, if you’re there, I’m good,” he said and tugged me closer. “Don’t trip about it, princess.”

That’s exactly what Shuri had said. It was beginning to feel slightly selfish how I didn’t find that to be enough. I didn’t want it to be some sort of chore for him. I loved Erik and I wanted him to know that I thought of his birthday as something special. It was the day he was born and despite all of the tragedies and traumas…if he’d never been born and I would have never met him.

And a life without Erik is something I didn’t want to think about.

“Are you happy?” I asked, and he frowned at the sudden question.

“Shae,” he started, and I realized what he thought the question meant.

“No, not about us,” I said quickly, “I mean in general. Like mentally about things are you happy?”

He furrowed his brows at me and I wondered if I wasn’t explaining the question well.

“I mean, I know you’ve kept going to Safia and everything,” I continued. “And you seem to be doing really well. But are you happy? Like just you, yourself?”

Before I had known everything about him, I had been eager for him to get better. It had been a strain in our relationship at one point, my desire for him to get better and feeling that I was the only one who could do it. But after everything was open between us, I had learned that wasn’t my responsibility and honestly, most of the shit Erik went through was outside my realm of expertise. What I could do was be that support for him, that place he could go to be himself and that included his darker moments. Just as he had been for me. The work was still his to do, I just wanted to be there for him when he needed me.

“Yeah,” he said, and I squeezed his arm. “I’m fine, Shae.”

“Are you sure?” I asked, searching those dark brown eyes. “I mean…work and everything is okay for you?”

I paused, a small tremor went through me.

“They haven’t shown up or anything?” I asked and his hand that had been resting on my knee tightened.

We both knew I was talking about Mitch’s group. Neither Mitch nor Trish or anyone associated with them had come for me or my friends, but I still wasn’t sure if something had changed recently.

“Nah,” he said. “Haven’t seen them. They won’t try nothing with you now. You’re too public. Too many people know you out here.”

“Are you still looking for them?” I asked, and he just looked at me. “Erik, you promised.”

“What, you think I’d lie to you?” he asked, and the first stirrings of annoyance entered his voice. “If something happened, I’d tell you Shae.”

I trusted him because he had never given me a reason not to.

“I know, I’m sorry,” I said and dropped my hand to cover his. “You’ve just seemed kind...off lately.”

I rubbed my hand over his knuckles gently.

“And if you want to talk about something, or if somethings bothering you, I’m here, you know?”

 “Off?” he asked, titling his head at me. “Whatchu mean?”

“I don’t know,” I said and waved a hand. “I mean you’ve been really patient lately.”

He stared at me and I winced realizing how that must have sounded.

“No, I didn’t mean it like that,” I said and shook my head. “I mean you’ve been umm….”

“Supportive?” he asked dryly. “Shit didn’t realize that was off to you.”

“No, babe, that’s not what I’m saying,” I said and groaned. “Damnit, I was just saying like…. I feel like you’ve been really focused on me and we haven’t been able to focus on you and I think that’s kind of selfish cause I want to be supportive too. Maybe I shouldn’t have said off, I just meant like I noticed and really appreciate it and….”

“You ain’t used to being the one supported,” he said, cutting me off. “And it’s throwing you off.”

I blinked at his words and shook my head.

“Yeah,” he insisted, studying me. “All last year, you pulled this shit too. Looking surprised when I did something nice for you. Hell, even before then.”

_I can’t believe it, but today Erik and I…._

That’s how I had started almost every other journal entry. Like my past self had been startled with how loving a boyfriend could be or that I had someone who was willing to be there for me.

You learn that there is an aspect of a person that may never change. We grow and learn and heal from things, but there are still facets of us that we will always carry with us. For Erik that meant doing things on his own. I guess for me, that was the idea that someone wanted to do things for me. I was used to being the helpful one, the one people relied on for support and morale.

“Oh damnit,” I muttered and rubbed a hand over my brow. “I hate my blind spots.”

“Takes someone to point it out you. That’s why they’re called blind spots, ma.”

I groaned again and rolled closer so I could drop my face into his chest.

“I’m supposed to be better than this,” I mumbled into his shirt. “I’m a professional, damnit.”

“Can’t help how you feel,” he said, and I felt him shrug again. “Ain’t no one perfect.”

I leaned back and squinted at him.

“Ok, you need to chill with this patiently philosophical side you’re pulling out,” I said, and he grinned at me. “That’s my thing, thank you very much.”

I poked his chest.

“And quite frankly, I’m starting to feel attacked with all of this,” I said and emphasized to all of him. “Bad enough you’re a genius and a kick ass fighter and handsome and a Prince and…”

He crushed his lips to mine, dragging me into a heated kiss, his fingers tangling in the braids of my ponytail. I was startled, but leaned into the kiss eagerly, wrapping my arms around his neck. When he pulled away, he propped his forehead against mine, his fingers stroking gently at the nape of my neck.

“And a good kisser,” I added and saw his lips curve into a smirk.

“Not bad yourself, princess,” he said and pressed another light one against my lips. “All that, you know that’s how I feel about you?”

The question had me pulling away slightly to study his face. There were soft moments like these that made me wonder what the hell I had been thinking whenever I doubted how he felt about me. The tenderness in his eyes when he looked at me was something that couldn’t be faked.

“I know,” I said and gave him a smile. “I don’t get it sometimes, but I know.”

He shook his head at me and leaned back to look at me.

“Guess we got that in common too,” he said, and I sighed.

“I think that might be the point,” I said, and he titled his head at me. “I mean, it’s not about deserving one another, right? It’s supposed to be about just having a connection that’s stronger than anything else that’s happened to us.”

I reached up to trace the golden chain around his neck and followed it down to his father’s ring.

“I think that it makes it easier to remember sometimes,” I softly. “Because when I think about what you’ve been through and what I’ve been through, it helps remind me that we’ve been through too much for me to doubt how I feel about you.”

I lifted my gaze to meet his.

“Or how you feel about me,” I said, and his hand covered mine. “I mean most of the time at least. Daily reminders are helpful though.”

Erik smirked at me and raised a brow.

“Oh yeah?” he said, and I nodded at him. “Ain’t gotta a problem with that.”

I leaned forward and pressed a light kiss to his lips. He slid an arm around my waist and I slipped my arms around his neck as he deepened the kiss.

“Oh,” I said, pulling away slightly. “Um, just remember that you love me when I tell you this.”

He rasied a brow and I grinned at him.

“Your cousins are coming over tomorrow to hang out,” I said, and he gave me an exasperated look. “Just for the day, ok?”

“Fine,” he muttered, and I shook my head at him. “They asses are staying in a hotel though. I don’t want them messing with my shit.”

“Ah, there’s my grumpy man,” I said, and he narrowed his eyes at me. “What? You are grumpy, that’s your thing. And mine is being the sweet and patient girlfriend.”

“Aight. That’s why you doing your hair yourself,” he said and I gasped.

“You wouldn’t! You promised to help,” I cried, and he shrugged. “We were gonna make a day of it!”

“Nah, ask one of my cousins to help you,” he said and turned to his work.

I thought about that for a moment.

“Can T’Challa do hair?” I asked, and he looked at me again.

“Why the fuck did you think of him first?” he asked, and I grinned at him. “Ok, keep playing with me, girl.”

I laughed. I couldn’t help it. I leaned against him, propping my head on his shoulder and he shook his head at me. It was the smile that told me he wasn’t really angry.

Damn. I should add that I was a sucker for those dimples too.

 

 

 


	12. Chapter 12

 

 

            Even though I’m one of the Arts Coordinators at the Center, I’m actually pretty limited in my knowledge when it comes to art. I do enjoy going to plays, listening to musicals, watching films, things like that. But I’m more of an enjoyer than an artist myself. I’d like to write a novel one day, I think, but that’s just a vague distant dream. I’m not driven by that creative drive that ignites inside an artist, that motivates them to pull out a canvas, or a sculpture, or a camera. That’s why I advocated so hard for the Arts Program. Just because I didn’t have that creative talent, didn’t mean I couldn’t appreciate it in other people. And a lot of that talent, whether born or taught, should always been encouraged whenever it’s discovered.

           

            For some reason, I wasn’t really that surprised when I discovered that Erik was a painter. I had been thrown, sure, but when I thought about it, it made sense. All those emotions needed an outlet and for Erik, painting was just another way to express himself. It had come up randomly one day when I discovered a painting of a sunset in the study in our loft. It was the most beautiful sunset portrait I had ever seen. The rich reds and oranges of the setting sun spread across the landscape, like a comforting fire that led way to the gentler blues of the coming night. But there was almost a somberness to the beauty, like a bittersweet ending that was coming too soon.

 

_“Where’d you get this?” I asked Erik. “It’s beautiful.”_

_He was sitting on the edge of the desk behind me and drew me back into his arms._

_“I made it,” he said and dropped his chin on my shoulder as he studied it. “It’s the first sunset I saw in Wakanda.”_

_I gazed at it wonder, awed by his skill and the emotions he managed to put into his work. I had been with him to art galleries and had never seen anything that rivaled this skill._

_“Oh, of course you can paint,” I murmured. “Liam would just die if he knew.”_

_Erik just snickered and pressed a kiss to my neck._

 

Since coming to Oakland, we had gone to a few art galleries that hosted local and less known artists. I hadn’t spoken to Liam since I moved out here, but given the history, I was slightly surprised that Erik hadn’t tried to show off. I could remember some of Liam’s paintings and while he had skill, I felt it didn’t compare to Erik’s. His absent review of my first painting had been the first clue that I got that Erik wasn’t just an enjoyer of the arts but was an artist himself.

 

After making this discovery, I asked if I could watch him whenever he painted, and he just shrugged. For someone who held such strong confidence as he moved through the world, Erik actually reacted humbly when it came to his work. I couldn’t understand it at first, but as I watched him create some beautiful artwork, it clicked. Most of Erik’s life had been centered around proving something not only to others, but to himself as well. Every action, every decision he made was for the sole purpose of reaching an ultimate goal. He trained his body for combat and to weather the conditions of the world. His intellect was a tool that could be used to fool his enemies and navigate the space around him. No skill was gained without a purpose or further aim. But when he painted, he wasn’t trying to prove anything. He just did it because he wanted to and nothing else.

 

            It was fascinating watching him work, seeing his eyes hood as he stroked his brush across the canvas, recreating whatever images formed in his mind. His art did have a tone to them, the paintings often more on the somber side in their beauty. Even with the use of brighter colors, there was always this darker emotion hiding just beneath the surface, a mark of his pain as it came out. I was just a casual observer of art and even I could feel the touch of that deeper emotion when I looked at his work.

 

________________

 

After deciding he wasn’t getting any work done with me hanging around his office, Erik took a half day.

  
The funny thing was, now that he was home, I was content to just read a book and laze about the day. I realized it wasn’t boredom that had me leaving our place, it was his absence. I pulled out _Fledling_ by Octavia Butler, a book I had picked up from the bookstore one day and hadn’t gotten around to reading yet. I had been wanting to read more black sci fi authors lately and from my research, she was one of the best. I plopped down on the couch and opened the book, eager to start my literary journey.

 

I could just feel Erik staring at me and after a moment I looked up to meet his gaze. He had changed into comfortable clothing, which really consisted of nothing more than a pair of black sweat pants. They were hanging low on his hips, showing off that delicious v-line that pointed down.

 

For a moment, I wondered if he was thinking there was another activity he wanted to do.  Hell, I was thinking I didn’t mind putting off my reading for another day.

 

“What?” I asked, and he titled his head at me.  “Why are you looking at me like that?”

 

“When you taking your braids out?” he asked. I had not been expecting that question and it took me a second to respond.

 

“I was going to wait until after they left tomorrow,” I said, and he nodded.

 

“Aight.”

 

With that he turned and left the room.

 

_What the hell was that about?_

 

I stared at him, wondering if I wanted to leave my comfy spot to figure out what he was up to. It didn’t take long for him to return though, a few supplies tucked under his arms. It was the easel and canvas that had me sitting up straighter, a flutter of excitement going through me.

 

“Are you going to paint?” I asked eagerly. “Wait, duh, that’s an obvious question.”

 

He spared me an amused glance and I watched him setup his work station. The living room was an open space and allowed for him to setup his easel, canvas, stool and a small table to hold his supplies. I noted with a hint of amusement that he had already rolled a blunt, another necessity to his process he had claimed. I watched the orange glow of the lighter flicker as he lit the end of it.

 

Then he pulled out his phone, the blunt firmly clamped between his teeth, and the sound of _Redbone_ by Childish Gambino filled the room. Well, this was going to be a good first day. I was going to get a read in and watch Erik paint. Looking fine as hell as he did it too. He had pulled his dreads back from his face and the only accessory that was left on him was that golden chain. Erik wasn’t bothered by my staring and simply sat on his stool, his blunt in one hand and his paintbrush tapping absently against his stool with the other.

 

Erik drew a drag from his blunt and released the smoke slowly onto the canvas in front of him. I wondered what he’d finally decide to paint.

 

“You know, I never did ask you how you learned to do this,” I said, watching him. “I mean, you’re so good at it, did you take a class or something?”

 

“Nah,” he said and pulled another drag. He held the smoke in before letting it out slowly, his paintbrush still tapping lightly. “Knew this girl who was a painter. Kept saying I should try it out and shit, so I did.”

 

He shrugged, his eyes still studying his blank canvas through hooded eyes.

 

“Liked the shit, so I just kept doing it, whenever I felt like it,” he said. “Then they had some supplies up in Wakanda.”

 

I hummed thoughtfully and returned to my book.

 

Oh yeah, that’s where he had painted that sunset. I wondered how many portraits he had made while there. What happened to them? Did someone hold onto them?

 

 “Shae.”

 

I glanced up at him, my book still open on my lap. He was giving me a look and I raised my brows.

 

“What?” I asked when he just kept looking at me.

 

He gazed at me for a second longer before nodding towards the end of the couch. We had one of those lounge couches that had a chaise at the end.

 

“Move up there.”

 

I furrowed my brows in confusion.

 

“Why?” I asked, glancing at the spot and back at him. “Am I in your light or something?”

 

“Just move, aight?”

 

Well, I didn’t mind moving if it helped, I guess. I closed my book and stood up and went to move to that section.

 

“Ay, hold up. Come here.”

 

I glanced at him, curious to all his commands. I moved towards him and watched as he tugged his chain over his head and beckoned me forward. When I stood in front of him, my eyes widened as he slid it over my head so that I was now wearing it.

 

He had never given me his father’s ring before. Sure, I had been able to hold it and touch it, but I had never actually worn it before. I had never asked to, feeling that was something that was special to him and I wouldn’t be the one to have him part from it, just for the sake of curiosity.

 

“Erik,” I said, glancing at it and then at him. “Is this ok?”

 

He gave me an amused look, as if my hesitance was funny to him. He drew in another drag as his eyes swept over me. I had taken his cue from earlier and dressed down in comfortable clothes. I was only wearing one of his longer white t-shirts and a pair of black sleep shorts. My feet were covered by my favorite pair of blue fuzzy socks and my braids were pulled up into a messy bun on the top of my head.

 

“Yeah,” he said and tilted his head, so the smoke wouldn’t billow in my face. “Yeah, that works.”

 

“Huh?” I asked, frowning at him again. “What works?”

 

He stood up and dropped his blunt onto the ashtray on the table next to him. Then he took my hand and led me to the chaise and nodded for me to sit down. I glanced at it and then him again, my brain finally catching up.

 

“Uh uh,” I said looking at him as he smirked at me. “You’re not painting me.”

 

“Yeah, I am,” he said and nodded towards the chaise again. “Sit down, Shae.”

 

I stood my ground and looked at him stubbornly. I may enjoy watching him work, but I didn’t want to be a focus of his work. Sometimes, the longer you looked at something, the more flaws you found. Being his muse would mean he would be staring at me way longer than I’d be comfortable.

 

Erik kissed his teeth and grabbed me around the waist. Ignoring my noise of protest, he lifted me and settled me on the chaise himself.

 

“Erik,” I protested, wiggling in his grip as he used his other hand to grab some cushions. “Seriously, can’t you paint something else?”

 

Damnit, he shouldn’t be able to hold me so easily with one arm.

 

“Nope,” he said and fluffed a few pillows before pulling me back further and bodily positioning me on them.

 

I glared at him when he leaned back to survey my position. I was leaning back against the cushions, my legs stretched out in front of me. I narrowed my eyes when he pushed one of my legs up so it was bent at the knee. It was actually one of the ways I’d sit when I was deep into a book and it annoyed me he knew my posture that well.

 

“You’re not painting me,” I said again and tensed when he leaned over me. “I’m a mess and I’m not really the model type and….”

 

He kissed me to shut me up, his hand reaching up to cup the back of my head as he pushed me further back into the cushions. I could taste the weed on his tongue, but it didn’t bother me. I reached up a hand to tangle in his dreads, leaning into the kiss, pulled in by the tenderness. He pulled away with a light peck to my lips and brushed his soft lips lightly against mine.

 

“Please?”

 

That one word had me. I could count on one hand the times Erik ever said please and it shook me that he was willing to use it now. Just because he wanted to paint me. Fuck, I couldn’t say no to that and he knew it.

 

“Ok,” I said softly, and he gave me another quick kiss before stepping back.

 

He smirked down at me and I rolled my eyes. Bastard.

 

When he sat down at his stool again, he paused and tilted his head at me.

 

“You wanna do a nude?” he asked after a moment.

 

At my horrified expression he laughed, and I scowled at him, willing the heat from my face to fade.

 

“Ay, maybe next time,” he said to himself, still chuckling.

 

I think the fuck not. It was gonna take more than a ‘please’ for me to pose nude, even for him.

 

I shifted on the cushions and pushed my glasses up the bridge of my nose when they slipped down slightly. I watched as he began dipping into his paints, swirling the colors to find the right shade.

 

“Um, so what should I do?” I asked. “I’ve never been painted before, you know.”

 

“Just stay still,” he said and spared me a glance before his eyes went to his canvas. “You can still read or whatever.”

 

Oh, ok. I could do that. I could get lost in reading and that would help make the awkwardness of being stared at bearable. As I let myself get lost to the pages, I relaxed into the cushions, my eyes following along with the tale. It was a darker novel but engaging. I wasn’t afraid of a dark story and the themes that it explored.

 

Every once in a while, Erik would command me to move my head this way, stop frowning, sit up more, or just relax. I’d follow the commands absently, so entranced in my book that I didn’t really get bothered by having to shift every now and again. I figured out that he wanted my position so that it could show that I was wearing his father’s ring. In the back of my mind, I circled through the many implications that must mean, but didn’t let myself dwell too long.

 

I had made it to chapter twelve when I started feeling the stiffness in my muscles and kept shifting on my own, without his direction.

 

“Ay.”

 

I glanced up to see he had placed his paintbrush down and he quirked a brow.

 

“Wanna take a break?”

 

I nodded, relieved and gave a long stretch, rotating my ankles and wrists. Then I stood up and gave a nice twist to my spine. I clasped my hands and stretched them above my head and rolled my shoulder blades back and thrust my chest forward for a nice stretch in my upper back. Erik watched me, and I shook my head at the look in his eyes.

 

“Can I see?” I asked, and he motioned towards his painting, giving permission.

 

I stepped towards him and turned to look at his work, blinking at the image in front of me. The woman in the painting looked like me and it was impressive to see the details he had put into it. But it was the vibrant energy to the painting that startled me. There was a slight furrow between her brows as she gazed intently at her book, a look of intense emotion. You could she was engrossed with what she was reading, could see that she was lost in the pages.

 

“Is that me?” I asked him softly, staring at the unfinished painting.

 

“Yeah,” he said and pulled me into his lap. “You like it?”

  
“She’s great,” I said, feeling a tightness in my chest. “But, I mean, that’s not…”  


“She’s you, Shae,” he interrupted me. “That’s how I see you, princess.”

 

I didn’t know what to say. I had never imagined Erik saw me with such entrancing energy, as if you were drawn to keep looking at her, even though she wasn’t looking at you. As if you knew that when she lifted her eyes from the page, she’d look at you with that same engagement and intensity. Like she’d listened just as long to your story as the one she was reading.

 

“This is so…” I said and waved a hand at it. “It’s amazing.”

 

“I ain’t done yet,” he said and tilted his head at his work. “Got enough that you can take your braids out whenever you want to though.”

 

Ah, so that’s was why. He had started on the messy bun of my braids and had filled in the details there, including the few golden pieces I had accessorized my braids with.

  
It was going to be a beautiful piece when he finished. That wasn’t a bragging thing. Erik had managed to show me something, a view of myself that I had never seen before, a natural beauty that I hadn’t thought I possessed. And not only that, he had said that’s how he saw me.

  
It had me turning to him, overwhelmed by that realization. I gazed at him for a moment, not able to say anything, not sure that there was anything I could say that would express how much this had made me feel.

 

So, I kissed him instead, hoping to convey all those feelings through the touch of my body. I slipped my arms around his neck and slanted my lips over his, my tongue pressing along his. His hands slid along my waist and drew me towards him. When he stood and lifted me, I automatically wrapped my legs around his waist, never breaking the kiss.

 

When he moved to lower me on the couch, I pulled my lips away.

 

“No,” I said and nipped at his bottom lip. “You sit.”

 

He smirked but didn’t argue and dropped down with me in his lap. I returned to kissing him again, feeling that wetness grow between my legs. I was aching for him, wanting to be filled by him in every way that I could.

 

I drew my lips away and traced a path down, teasing his skin with light strokes of my tongue and nips of my teeth. The scars were a familiar texture against my tongue and I bit down hard around the raised flesh, eliciting a groan from him. When I tugged at his sweats, he lifted his hips slightly allowing his hardened length to spring free. I wrapped a hand around it, my own breath coming in short pants as I gave him a squeeze.

 

It had taken practice, but I felt I was getting better at this. Oral had been my first realm into sex and I found that when it came to Erik, I was always eager to show off my skills. He always seemed amused by my enthusiasm, and those dark eyes watched me intently.

 

I slid him into my mouth and kept my hand wrapped around his base. I began working him further into my mouth and I felt one of his hands tangle in my braids, stroking lightly along my scalp.

 

I used one hand to steady myself against his thigh and began to bob my head, trying to work more of him back in whenever I slid back down. I had learned quickly that key was saliva. The wetter he was, the more he could slide in and out of my mouth more easily. Erik was big, bigger than the men in most of the videos I would watch. For research purposes, of course. Working him wasn’t an easy feat, but I took on the task willingly.

 

The hand I had wrapped around him moved slickly, working the end of his shaft as I focused on the top. I paused to suck lightly at the sensitive head, then traced the throbbing vein on the underside and then swallowed him back down again. Saliva spilled from my lips to drip onto my shirt, but I ignored the mess.

 

“Fuck,” he hissed and his fingers tightened in my hair. “Fuck, that’s it, princess.”

 

I kept breathing through my nose as I hit my next plateau of how much of him I could take. My throat convulsed, but I held myself there, not quite reaching as far as I wanted, but it was a milestone. I finally had to pull back and I let him fall from my lips with a gasp.  My throat was burning slightly from my efforts, but it was worth it.

 

I looked up at him and the look in his eyes made my pussy clench.

 

“You acting like this,” he said and licked his lips. “Shit, should’ve painted you sooner.”

 

I grinned at him and did a quick lick at the broad head.  My hand was wet, covered in my own spit, and I pumped him a few times before taking him back into my mouth. I kept my movements quick, slurping as I swallowed him, my throat aching with each push of his dick to the back of my throat.

 

“That fucking mouth, princess,” he groaned and slipped his other hand into my hair. “You gonna take more?”

 

I paused and slipped him out of my mouth again. I took in his long length as it bobbed in front of me and I could feel him pulsing in my hand. He was close, and I debated whether I could. I nodded.

 

He pushed into my mouth again, working himself further in than I had. His used his grip in my hair to keep my head steady. He kept pushing and my hands rested against his thighs, bracing when I felt I couldn’t take more.

 

“Relax, baby girl,” he said and stroked a hand gently down the side of my face. “You got it.”

 

I focused on breathing, ignoring the ache in my jaw and the spasming of my throat.  He began rocking his hips, and I kept breathing, kept focusing on the feel of him sliding in and out. I was gagging around him, my throat bulging slightly, but I kept still and let him fuck my mouth.

 

“Good girl,” he praised, and a few braids were pulled tight around his fingers. “Fuck, I’m close…”

 

He was moving faster now, and I could feel the tears spilling down my cheeks.

 

The feel of him finally twitching caused me to moan, streams filling my mouth and sliding down my throat. I swallowed quickly, something else I learned to do. With a shudder, he released his grip in my hair.  I slid him out of my mouth slowly and blinked up at him, panting. Erik gazed down at me, his chest heaving, a sated expression on his face.

 

“I do really like your painting,” I said, and he huffed a small laugh. “Just wanted to make sure we were clear on that.”

 

He drew me back into his lap and tugged at my shirt. It slipped off, leaving me clad in only my shorts, socks and his necklace. The metal was warm against my skin and I moved to tug it over my head.

 

“Leave it,” he said, surprising me.  “I want you to wear it.”

 

I stared at him, worrying my bottom lip.

 

“Why?” I asked him. “I know how important it is to you.”

 

“That’s why,” he said simply and his hands tugged at my shorts. “Wouldn’t let just anyone wear that, princess.”

 

I gazed at him in wonder, my heart feeling full all over again.

 

“Oh, Erik,” I breathed and leaned forward to kiss him again. I shifted so he could tug my shorts off of me and gasped at the feel of his fingers stroking along my folds.

 

“Um…but isn’t it sort of you know…” I said, struggling to focus.

 

He titled his head at me, watching as I stumbled over my words.

 

“What?” he teased and bit lightly at the spot between my shoulder and neck.

 

“It’s your dad’s ring,” I pointed out, still wiggling. “And we’re doing… you know…”

 

Erik leaned back to look at me, his hands stilling. He was grinning at me and I knew he had picked up on what I was trying to say. I took a deep breath and plunged in.

 

“I’m just saying that maybe it’s a bit disrespectful to wear a family heirloom while we are…um…engaging in….”

 

“You wearing that means something to me,” he said, cutting me off. “It ain’t disrespectful.”

 

His fingers were stroking lightly at my hips and the expression on his face was serious.

 

“Anytime I’m with you, it ain’t just sex, princess,” he said and drew me towards him. I braced myself on my knees and steadied myself by resting my hands against his chest. “You get it?”

 

I gazed at him, my fingers stroking down the sides of his face. I did get it, I think. The ring was more than just a memory now, it was a symbol to him. And if he wanted me to wear it, no matter the circumstances, then….

 

“It just proves I’m important to you too?” I asked softly, and he nodded. “That’s really deep.”

 

He drew me down for a kiss and I could feel him nudging at my entrance.

 

“Bout to be deep in you too, in a second,” he said, smirking at me again and I rolled my eyes.

 

“You know, you can be so childish som...Ah!”

 

I cried out as he thrust up and I dug my fingers into his shoulders. He rocked up into me until my hips were flush against him and I clung to him, trembling as he filled me.

 

“Shit, you could have warned me,” I protested, and he just grinned at me.  

 

“You good?” he teased, and I huffed out a laugh.

“Uh…yeah, just give me a sec. You always take a second to get used to.”

“Yeah?”

He thrust up suddenly and I let out a small cry, his dick pushing deep inside me.

“Fuck,” I gasped and braced myself on my knees to rise up when he did it again.

“Ay, don’t start that shit,” he said and gripped my hips to snap them down to meet his next thrust. My pussy clenched around him and he grunted as he started his pace.

“Shit…I told you to give me a sec,” I whined, and he just laughed.  

I moaned at a particularly deep thrust and the noises of pleasure continued to spill from my lips breathlessly. My fingers dug into the muscles of his broad shoulders, scraping lightly against the scars there. I buried my face in his neck, as I rocked my hips, trying to match his movements.

His hands were on my hips, controlling my motions as he continued to thrust deep into me. I was so wet, and he felt so good, but I wanted him to go faster. I loved how dominant Erik could be, moving my body how he wanted to, but I wanted more.

“Fuck, baby girl,” he grunted, his hands curving to cup my ass, “you feel so fucking good.”

I pushed at him until he relented, leaning back to settle more firmly against the cushions. He smirked at me, amused by enthusiasm. I engaged my thighs, so that I could lift myself up until only the broad head of his dick was just inside me, before dropping back down until he was fully sheathed inside. The motion made my ass slap against his muscular thighs and that sound, mixed with an erotic, squelching sound, filled my ears.

“Look at you,” he teased, those dark brown eyes watching me intently, “bouncing on this dick like a pro.”

“Y-you’re…so vulgar…” I gasped, even as my pussy clenched at his words. He had relaxed to let me do the work, and the only indication that I had that he was affected was the occasional groan, the rapid rise and fall of his chest and the strain in his arms as I gripped him for balance. Erik had a way of making his movements look effortless during sex, while I became a sweating and trembling mess, barely able to form coherent sentences or even thoughts. It was ridiculous.

Erik huffed out a laugh at my words.

 “I’m vulgar? Shit, you should see yo’ self, ma. Got those tits bouncing and everything.”

As to emphasize his point, he leaned forward so his lips could wrap around a dark nipple and suck. I groaned, burying my hands in his dreads as I continued bouncing on him. Erik tilted his head to capture my other breast in his mouth, his tongue circling the hardened peak. His hand came up to squeeze its neglected twin, rolling the hardened nipple with his fingers.

“Shit,” I gasped, bouncing faster. A hard clap to my ass made me shudder, and he let out another chuckle.

“That’s it baby girl,” he encouraged, titling his head back to watch me. “Keep that shit up.”

I was panting now, trying to focus on the feel of him inside, the broad head bumping lightly against my cervix. He was so fucking deep. And those groans he was making weren’t helping.

“S-so close,” I gasped, “Erik, baby, I’m so close.”

“Yeah?”

He grabbed me suddenly, angling my hips slightly, so that when I dropped down, his dick hit that spot that I had been searching for.

“Oh fuck!” I cried out and lurched forward, gripping the cushion behind him. “Oh yes, right there! Do that again!”

He hummed, drawing me up and dropping me down again on the same spot. My body was warm and tingly all over, the pleasure making me arch my back as I continued moving over him. I was aided by his hands angling me in just the right way, so I could hit that spot over and over again.

“Fuck…yes… oh my god…feels so fucking good…”

And there went my ability for proper speech. I was lost in my pleasure, even with my thighs burning with my efforts. I was too fucking close to stop. The pleasure was deep in my belly, pulled tight and ready to explode at any moment.

Erik stroked suddenly along my clit, his fingers moving in small circles as he teased the swollen bud.

“Erik!”

I came hard, my pussy spasming, creaming his dick as I threw my head back and screamed his name. His fingers continued stroking me as I shook from the force of my release.

Panting, I dropped down, my knees braced against his hips and slumped forward. I propped my forehead against his chest as my hands slid down his arms, slowly stroking across the scars that covered them.

“You aight?” there was amusement in his voice and I titled my head to look at him.

He laughed at my unfocused expression on my face.

“Can’t…talk…my brain…” I groaned and shook my head. “Give me a sec.”

He drew his fingers to my lips, and I parted them without a second thought. I held his gaze as I stroked my tongue along the digits, tasting my essence on him. I released his fingers with a light pop.

He was giving me that smirk again.

 “Loved seeing you work, baby girl,” he said, his hands sliding to my waist. “Nigga had to hold back busting a nut just now.”

His dick throbbed inside me as if a testament to his words. 

“Have at it,” I said, drawing my hands up to trace along the scars on his broad chest, “I love seeing you work too.”

Erik dark eyes held mine for a moment and I leaned forward to press a kiss against his lips. He parted my own, his tongue delving inside to mingle with mine. I leaned into him further, my breasts flat against his chest, my arms wrapping around his neck to kiss him passionately. I stroked my fingers along his scalp, cupping the back of his head as I continued kissing him. 

My breath hitched when he began rocking up into me slowly, but I didn’t pull away from his kiss. It was only when he snapped his hips up, his dick bouncing off that now sensitive spot inside me that I pulled away.

“Oh,” I gasped,” Erik…I can’t….” 

He grunted.

“You can handle it, ma,” he said and slammed into me again. My toes curled, and I whimpered. I leaned back, letting my hands stroke along his skin, my eyes following the path my hands mapped, taking in the brown skin, glistening from sweat, the muscles moving seamlessly underneath. I traced my fingers down along the hard lines of his stomach, pausing so that I could feel them flex and twitch under my hands. Then, my fingers stroked back up, along his strong arms and back up to his shoulders. I repeated my path, pleased at his groans as I explored his skin. Erik had an amazing body, as if it was forged from steel. It was an interesting dynamic to our relationship that we enjoyed touching each other so much, even outside of sex. 

 I leaned forward again, tracing my tongue along the shell of his ear.

“Shit, baby girl,” he grunted his hands sliding to cup my ass again to give a squeeze. “Keep doing that.”

I tilted my lips to his neck and licked a slow, deliberate path to the center, tasting the salt on his skin, nipping lightly at the throbbing pulse. I paused to give small, open-mouthed kisses here and there. I pulled my lips away to gently blow on the wet skin and his fingers tightened their grip.

“Fuck,” he growled, his pace increasing. I grinned internally. I continued my motions switching to the other side, letting my hands slid between us to press against his abdomen, reveling in the feel of his body moving underneath me. 

My actions were having their intended effect, Erik’s strokes coming quicker and not as seamlessly as before. I loved that I could test his control, even as I felt the almost bruising grip he had on me.

“Think you slick, huh?” he grunted and tilted my hips. My eyes widened.

“Erik…. wait…”

He flashed me a devilish grin before he slammed into that spot again and I cried out, my fingers digging into his arms.

“Oh fuck!”

He did it again and I tried to lift my hips to keep his stroke from going too deeply.

His eyes narrowed, his grip tightening to the point that I knew for sure that I was going to have bruises tomorrow.

“I told you,” he growled and held my hips in place as he slammed up into me. “Don’t pull that shit with me, Shae. Take this dick.”

He held me like that as he continuing to pound up into me, his strokes almost brutal. My legs were shaking again, my chest heaving as my pussy twitched around him.

“Erik…Erik…oh…”

“Keep saying my name, baby girl. Love that shit,” he muttered. I could see in his eyes that he was close. But holy shit, so was I…

 “You gonna give me another one, princess?” he asked, and I could hear the strain in his voice.

“Erik…yes.... please…”

I closed my eyes as he continued rocking up into me. I felt like my senses were on overload, each sensation that coursed through my body pushing me closer and closer to my release. And then one deep thrust finally pushed me over the edge.

“Erik!”

I screamed his name, my whole-body convulsing slightly as that blinding pleasure washed over me. He continued pumping into me, his arms wrapped tight around my waist as he leant forward slightly, grunting as he sought his own release. Wanting to help, I drew my lips to the sensitive spot in his neck and sucked.

“Fuck, Shae,” he snarled, and he released inside me, filling me with the warmth of his seed. The feel of it erupted another small orgasm and my stomach clenched as I moaned. I buried my face in his neck again and clung to him as I rocked my hips in small circles, trying to ride out the last sparks of pleasure. Finally, our motions stilled, and our bodies went limp as we tried to catch our breaths.

“Goddamn,” he muttered, and I lifted my head to look at his face and grin.

“That’s a bit of an understatement,” I murmured, and he chuckled. I gazed at him for a moment to press a soft kiss against his lips.

“I love you.”

Erik stroked a hand down my arm, studying me. I could tell he knew that my words were another form of a thank you, a reminder that I loved what he’d done for me. The sex hadn’t been slow or sweet, but the passion had been there, a physical reminder that I was his.

And he was mine.

 He gave me a half smile, his fingers stroking lightly along my cheek.

“Love you too, princess.”

I smiled at him brightly, warmth flooding my heart.

I would never get tired of hearing Erik say those words to me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	13. Chapter 13

 

“Why is the first thing they have to do when they see each other is fight?” I sighed.

My plan to spend the day with Erik’s family was derailed as soon as his cousins arrived. Erik had eyed his cousin before challenging him to a match. T’Challa had merely raised a brow, a mixture of amusement and challenge in his eyes.

I had thought they were going to train, but from what I was currently witnessing, it looked like they were actively trying to kill each other. They had been dressed in only a pair of shorts and sneakers. When they began fighting, Shuri had commented casually that T’Challa had been showing Erik a new fighting style, something for him to put in his arsenal.

So that’s why Erik had been so eager to fight. Well, aside from his usual appetite for violence at least.  As far as I knew, Erik was pretty limited with partners he could actively train with.  Erik was very thorough and dedicated to anything new he learned, and I’m not sure anyone besides T’Challa would be able to keep up with him. The training he did with me was barely a tip of the iceberg.

I had already known Erik was a fierce fighter. If I thought he’d be a bit slower for his broad size, I was wrong. He kept pace with T’Challa’s movements and his blows had more strength behind them. I supposed I’d say T’Challa was quicker, while Erik had more strength behind him. Then again, the blows T’Challa landed had just as much strength behind them. Hell, what did I know? I wasn’t a fighter.

And damnit, didn’t they know anything about taking it easy?

I flinched when T’Challa landed a punch that had Erik stepping back slightly. Erik just smirked at him, his gold canines flashing before lunging forward again.

“I read your report on some of the students wanting more projects. It seems they’re eager to advance,” Shuri mused as she casually scrolled through a feed on her phone. “Which is good! They’re picking things up quickly.”

“No work,” I said absently, gasping when Erik landed a hit. It had T’Challa rubbing his jaw, but he recovered quickly.

Shuri titled her head to look at me and raised her brows. I realized she wanted me to clarify on my comment.

“It’s family day,” I said, sparing her a quick glance. “So, no work.”

 “Have you told my brother that?” she asked, pouting slightly. “He will break your rule before the day is over.”

I gave her another quick glance, watching as she propped her head in her hands, looking bored.

She felt my gaze and her eyes flickered to meet mine. She grinned at my slightly horrified expression.

“You should see them when they use weapons,” Shuri commented. “It’s a mess to clean up.”

“Oh,” I squeaked, and she laughed.

I let my eyes drift back to the match and I had to admit, despite my concerns, it was an interesting thing to behold.

It had me wondering if T’Challa even needed the Dora Milaje that followed him around as his bodyguards. The King moved with a fierce strength and grace, his movements controlled and precise when he dodged or landed blows.

I could see the hard muscles under his brown skin, flexing and twisting when he moved. They were even more defined by the sheen of sweat on his skin. When T’Challa straightened and rolled his shoulders, my brows rose slightly. Those back muscles were something else.

Erik kissed his teeth and the sound drew my gaze to him. His eyes narrowed at me and I felt my face warm. His expression told me he wasn’t too happy about me staring at his cousin.

My eyes widened and darted towards T’Challa. His posture was still loose and alert, but he spared me a brief, amused glance.

“S-sorry,” I squeaked and T’Challa inclined his head at me, grinning lightly.

“It is fine, *emhle,” he said and Shuri snickered. 

Erik’s eyes slid to T’Challa and he gave him a look. T’Challa grinned wider and Erik lunged.

“What does that word mean?” I asked Shuri, noting that Erik’s movements seemed fiercer.

“It means beautiful,” Shuri laughed and I felt my face heat all over again.

I knew T’Challa was purposely antagonizing his cousin and I didn’t take much from the compliment. T’Challa was more aware than anyone about my relationship with Erik and Erik knew that.  

Even as Erik managed to land a few harsh blows, it looked like T’Challa was also able to dodge them a bit more. T’Challa had mentioned to me once, a long time ago, that I may be Erik’s only weakness. I wondered if this was his way of proving his point.

“Would you like to see the gift I brought you?” Shuri asked suddenly, and I blinked at her.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw T’Challa hit the mat and then roll neatly and quickly into a crouch. Erik made an annoyed noise and T’Challa grinned at him. Erik lunged again, and it was only Shuri’s hand waving in front of my face that I was finally able to remember that I hadn’t answered her question.

 She must have seen matches like these so many times before and it looked like the Princess’ interest had dwindled.

“Gift?” I asked, finally turning to meet her gaze. I raised my brows. “I didn’t know you brought me a gift.”

“Yes,” she said and waved a hand at the match that was still going. “They will be at this for another hour or so.”

She said the words as she hopped up from where we had been sitting cross-legged on the ground. Shuri gave me a pointed look and I held back a laugh.

Ah, I guess it was more of a demand than a request.

________

I followed Shuri into the guest room she had claimed and watched with curiosity as she rummaged through one of her bags.

 I let out a gasp of delight when she pulled out a long and thick blanket. It was made of vibrant blues, yellows and blacks and when I approached her and stroked my hand across the material, I marveled at how soft it was.

I grinned at her.

“You remembered,” I said, and she shrugged, her eyes dancing with mirth.

Shuri had caught me a few times slipping in a nap in my office, exhausted from my increasing workload. I had mentioned in passing that I’d love to get a new, comfy blanket for the office. Even if I didn’t nap, some of the kids liked to, but I hadn’t thought she was listening to me when I had mentioned it. 

“Oh, Shuri, thank you!” I said and pulled her into a tight hug.

She laughed and wiggled when I hugged her tighter, teasing her. Finally, I relented and let her go. 

“You’re welcome,” she said and handed me the blanket. “Mama thought it was amusing that out of all of the things you could ask for, a blanket is what would make you happy. I think that made her like you a bit more.”

She must have seen the surprise on my face because she shrugged.

“Mama wanted to know about the woman who had N’Jadaka’s heart,” she said, and I felt my face warm. “I had mentioned you in front of her while N’Jadaka was there and she saw his reaction and got curious.” 

I had never met the Queen Mother and Erik didn’t talk about her much. A few tidbits here and there that told me that while his cousins were more open to him, the Queen Mother apparently still had reservations.

It takes longer for a mother to forgive someone for almost killing her beloved son.

_______________

I had told Shuri that we could watch television in our living room on the main floor and we had made our way back upstairs. When I peeked into the workout room on our way up, they were still going at it, no sign of exhaustion on their faces.

“Told you,” Shuri quipped and I sighed.

Now in our loft, Shuri had settled onto the couch, surfing through some of premium channels. She had confessed that one of her guilty pleasures was American reality tv shows. It was nonsensical and easily entertaining she said. Nothing like what they had in Wakanada. 

“Does the Queen Mother...” I trailed off and Shuri glanced at me. “Um…how are things between her and Erik now?” I asked.

Shuri titled her head, her eyes going back to skim the television guide. I saw her eyes light up on Love and Hip and Hop Atlanta and she selected the channel.

“Hmm…. they are cordial,” she said and grinned. “The problem is that they are both stubborn. Mama knows what Baba did and I think that makes it harder for her to stay angry.  And N’Jadaka….”

She tutted and shook her head, but there was a grin on her face.

“Well, you know how he can be,” she said, and I hummed in agreement. “But he seems to try when it comes to Mama. I mean, he still speaks his mind but…”

Shuri shrugged and chuckled to herself, as if remembering something that was amusing to her.

“I think he has impressed Mama in some of the council meetings with his knowledge. She had only seen him one way and he’s shown her that is not all who he is.”

I tucked my legs underneath me as I leaned back against the arm of the couch, pondering on the Princess’ words.

Erik spoke to me sometimes about the council meetings. Some days were better than others, but Erik was always proving himself, even with T’Challa’s backing him and mediating arguments.  It was a testament to how much Erik’s patience had grown, but I could see that some days it was a strain.

It seemed that Erik was the uncomfortable truth that many of the elders seemed to want to forget. He was from the outside world, not raised in their traditions. Erik’s knowledge had been limited to what his father had left him in his leather-bound journal and what he managed to figure out and learn on his own. He was a reminder that their Wakanda was not perfect and was in fact, flawed like the rest of the world.

One of the things I admired about Erik was that he wasn’t afraid to be himself. Sure, there were times where he’d adjust or adapt to a situation as it was called for, but he stayed true to himself, at his core.

“Well, it’s good that the Queen Mother seems willing to work with him,” I said and Shuri hummed. “I wish I could meet her.”

Shuri glanced at me and titled her head, her brown eyes studying me. There was a depth to them, a subtle reminder that she was wise beyond her years. 

“I think she’d like that,” she said finally and smiled. “You have a kindness to you she’d like.”

I laughed and waved a hand.

“Oh, that’s something my mama used to say too,” I said and Shuri shifted so she was facing me more directly.

“Really? What was your mama like?” she asked, and I tucked my hands into the pockets of my hoodie. “You don’t talk about her much.”

I raised my brows at that.

“Are you sure? I feel like I talk about her all the time.”

Shuri pursed her lips at me.

“No, not to me,” she said. “N’Jadaka says you have a way of asking more questions than answering them.”

I couldn't help but laugh at that. I could only imagine Erik complaining to Shuri about my “fifty questions” moments.   

“So,” she said, turning down the television volume. “You will tell me a story.”

I cocked my head at her, feeling amused at the Princess’ demand.

“What kind of story?” I asked, and she looked thoughtful.

“Well, you’ve learned so much about my family,” she said and then nodded to herself. “I want to know about yours. It’s only fair.”

“It’s not as interesting as your family’s,” I admitted. “And it’s not perfect.”

Shuri snorted.

“Who’s is?” she muttered, and I grinned at her. “Please? These are all re-runs anyway.”

Well, who was I to deny a Princess’ request?  

____________

 

My grandmother was a strong woman. She had grown up down south and had lived through the harshness of Jim Crow and had seen the hate and cruelty first hand. She had worked and saved until she could move up North, hoping that she would have a better life. Rumors in her old town said that black folks had more chances up North. Grandmother used to say when you were raised down South, you could take anything, and hadn’t been concerned about what racism she may face up North. Nothing could be worse than what she’d already witnessed.

My grandmother was an independent, fiery woman and she had no plans to settle down for any man. But my mama said once my grandfather laid eyes on my grandmother, he had exclaimed that she was the woman he was going to marry.

See, my grandfather had grown up with a family that had done well for themselves and he hadn’t experienced the same things my grandmother had gone through. 

When he had approached her, expecting her to be taken in by the fact that he was one of the only two men who had a car in town, she hadn’t been impressed. Grandpa had to learn quick that it was going to take a lot more to impress her.

Even after he won her over and they got married, it was apparent that my grandmother’s independence wasn’t going away. She still did things as she saw them, even keeping her factory job, even though my grandfather worked the railroad and was making good money for black men back then.

When my Aunt Melba was born, they raised her in the traditional sense, taking her to church, instilling in her the values of having a two-parent household. By the time she was old enough to take these lessons to heart, she began seeing how much conflict there was in her parent’s relationship.

 I think that my grandfather had begun to feel resentment that my grandmother kept working, even after having their first daughter. But these arguments were kept behind closed doors, the fear of social pressure and judgment enough to even keep my grandmother in check for a while.

Then came my Aunt Ria, and my grandmother was wavering a bit, but my grandfather remained firm that they should raise her the same as my Aunt Melba. It was Aunt Ria who got the first taste of female independence and was a little more outspoken. She didn’t feel the pressure to be as good as my Aunt Melba did, but her admiration for her older sister kept her in line.

By the time my mother was born, my grandmother had grown tired of the arguments with her husband. Where rules had been stricter for my Aunt Melba and Aunt Ria, my mother got a chance to explore the idea of being independent, of being free to make decisions. My grandfather didn’t approve, but my grandmother encouraged it, hoping to see that same spark that she held in her youngest daughter.

And as often happens when siblings are raised differently in the same household, a sense of estrangement developed between my Aunt Melba and my mother. My Aunt Melba was more reserved, held the more conservative views of her father, while my mother was freer spirited, willing to speak her mind like her mother. I suppose my Aunt Ria was a bit of both, but like I said, Aunt Melba was the one who could convince her to her point of view.

And my Aunt Melba had the “traditional” view when it came to relationships. She married my uncle and had every intention of being a stay at home mother and raising her kids. She didn’t have a job and had to rely upon her husband’s income to ensure that she took care of her family.

When my Aunt Ria got pregnant with Micah, her oldest, it was my Aunt Melba who convinced her that she needed to marry my uncle. My mama told me that Aunt Ria had doubts about it, because my uncle had a reputation of seeing more than one woman, but he had been drawn in because everyone knew that it was a good investment to marry an Anderson sister. So, Aunt Ria followed her older sister’s advice and she and my Uncle Neil got married. Then came Keith and Layla and rumors that they may actually have more siblings in town. No one ever brought it up at family functions though.

When I was born, my father was nowhere to be found. Apparently, even the prospect of having a wealthy father-in-law wasn’t enough to have him stick around and raise a baby girl. But my mother held her head high and raised me on her own, while also attending school and eventually working as a nurse, providing for us both on her own income.

So, then it was my two aunts who were married and my mother, the single mom. My Aunt Melba had Ty (Tyrell), the oldest cousin and Shannon. My Aunt Ria had Micah, Keith and Layla. I was the youngest of the cousins and was closer in age to my cousin Layla.

My mother made enough to afford buying me newer toys and games, because she only had to support herself and me. The nursing position paid well and even though it caused long shifts, some of which I had to come along with, I at least had the benefit of having more things to amuse myself with than my cousins did.

Whenever my cousins came to visit, they were impressed by whatever new gaming system I had or new toy or gadget that they had to wait on or never got. I suppose I was the spoiled one, even if I didn’t realize it at the time. 

The ironic thing is that I preferred books, something my mother didn’t catch on until I was in middle school. I still loved my gaming systems, but at the end of the day, I’d take a book. I think she was relieved because it made Christmas gifts that much easier. I actually didn’t get back into gaming until I was in college….

But I digress. The point is that whenever my cousins came over, I settled onto the couch with a book, while they played with my games and toys.  And over time, they’d stop messing with me for being so quiet, because hey, if they got to use my stuff because I was a bit of bookworm, why should they complain?

“Keep doing yo’ thang cuz and let us check out that new game you got….”

I think my cousin’s preference to my mother’s house made things worse in her relationship with my Aunt Melba. My Aunt Ria didn't mind as much, because her and my mama got along.

But to my Aunt Melba, it must have rubbed her the wrong way to see that her kids preferred to go to her sister’s place who had an illegitimate child with no husband. Top it off, we barely made it to church some Sundays, my mother too tired from her Saturday shifts, which turned into a whole other round of arguments.

I didn’t mind my cousins’ presence, even if I felt a bit put out with the constant noise and bickering. They were from the “rougher” part of town my mom said, so they’d experience life differently than I did. That was her nice way of saying that parts of our family still lived in the hood, while we lived in the suburbs. She never looked down on them for that and was always welcoming to them when they came over, no matter how much of a ruckus they made.

My cousins had tried teasing me for “sounding white” but I didn’t really react to it. I was teased at school for “being too black,” so I had learned quick that I couldn’t make anyone happy and just be myself, in whatever capacity that meant. After a while they left me alone about it. And when I went to my Aunt Ria or Aunt Melba’s house, both Micah and Ty, my eldest cousins, always made sure to keep an eye on me. I never did figure out if it was because they were worried if something happened to me, they wouldn’t get access to my stuff anymore. I liked to think they were just being good older cousins.

When my grandparents died, my mother and her sisters stopped talking to each other. It appeared that their tentative relationship was built on their mother’s belief that despite differences, we were still a family. But there was too much resentment, too much pent-up anger for them to have a reason to stay in touch when their parents died.

But, I learned that even when you feel like you can’t stand someone in your family, when you feel that no matter what you do, they may not accept you, there’s always one thing that reminds you you’re still family.

______________________

“What was that one thing?” Shuri asked when I had reached the end of my story. “For your family?”

“Loss,” I murmured. “My cousin Micah died when he was fifteen. He was shot when he was out with his friends. His funeral was the last family function where the whole family was together. Well, that and my mother’s funeral. I guess that’s the only time we try to see each other now a days.”

Shuri gazed at me, a look of sympathy in her eyes.

“And you haven’t spoken to anyone in your family since then?” she asked.

“I stay in touch with my cousin Layla every now and then,” I said and gave a wry smile. “She’s my favorite cousin. We bonded growing up and she gets why I’m a bit more…. distant with our family. Aunt Melba’s kind of the matriarch now and she’s not too happy about our lifestyle choices.”

“Why?” she asked, and I shrugged.

“My problem was that I was like my mother and too interested in building a career instead of settling down with a husband. And Layla? Well, it was a problem that she didn’t like men at all.”

“Ah,” Shuri said. “But you mentioned that your Aunt Melba’s relationship isn’t perfect.”

I let out another sigh and nodded. Yeah, another sore spot in my relationship with my family.

“My Aunt was trapped in a relationship built by her own beliefs and the fears of what society demanded of her,” I said. “My uncle’s fits of rages happened sporadically, and my Aunt Melba took the brunt of them. When Ty got older, he became the shield.”

“Malik,” Shuri said and I could see the understanding in her eyes. “That is why you felt so strong about Malik.”

“Yeah,” I admitted softly. “And the thing is, it’s harder because my Aunt Melba wouldn’t leave my uncle. She was convinced that her way was better than my mother’s and that anything she went through was a sign that every couple had difficulties in their relationship. And even more than that, my uncle was seen as a good husband, taking care of his children and wife, with no sign or rumor of infidelity, like my Aunt Ria’s husband. “

A part of me always wondered if my Aunt Melba would ever leave him. I never saw the bruises, but there were times I could tell when the days were harder, if for the fact there was a weight in her eyes that showed through no matter how hard she tried. I wondered if she thought of her own parents, of their arguments. My grandparents never divorced, and I wasn’t sure if that was a reason for why my Aunt Melba stayed with my Uncle Jerry.

It made it harder, when she acted with a ‘holier-than-thou’ attitude and put down my momma, who I had grown to understand was really trying to help her. It wasn’t fair, and it had made me angry. Aunt Melba was trapped in some patriarchal view that was hurting her and ruining her relationship with her sister. She was the worse one, the bad one and I couldn’t stand it when I was around her.

My momma had scolded me when I told her this. I had been surprised, thinking that she would agree with me.

_“Don’t judge people like that, Shae,” she had told me firmly. “People in pain don’t care who they’re hurting, cause they’re too busy hurting themselves. Don’t make it right, but she’s still your auntie.”_

_“But, mama, you know how she talks about you,” I had said. “And about me…”_

_“I know. But you can’t choose your family. You don’t have to give them everything, but you don’t give up on them.”_

_She patted my cheek gently._

_“I know it’s hard, but your auntie loves you. She’s just hurting too much to know how to show it. And she’s too stubborn to let it go.”_

_My momma looked at me gently.  
_  
_“You have to learn how to let things go, Shae. Because if you don’t they’ll drag you down and lock you up tight. And then, you won’t have anyone to blame but yourself.”_

“So, your aunt is still with your uncle, even today?” Shuri asked and I hesitated.

  
“I actually don’t know,” I admitted, and she looked at me curiously. I sighed.

 

“I haven’t spoken to her since my mother’s funeral. I didn’t ask Layla when I last spoke to her.”

  
I had called Layla to tell her I was moving, figuring that’s the least I could do. I didn’t give her details, but just told her I got a job out in California and that my cell number wasn’t going to change. Layla had always been understanding about my limited communication and had seemed pleased that I managed to at least stay connected with her.

“Maybe you should,” Shuri said and I looked at her. “Even though it has been difficult, maybe your family misses you.”

Shuri held my gaze steadily, even as I tightened my grip on my hoodie pocket. I hadn’t realized I was scowling until she raised her brows at me.

“What’s that look for?” she asked, sounding slightly amused.

I reached up a hand and rubbed it across my brows, willing my face to relax.

“Sorry,” I said and let out a breath. “It’s just a sore subject for me.”

Shuri huffed a breath.

“For you? Please, I’ve had to sit in on some of the therapy sessions with my family. They must care for each other now, even though we still drive each other crazy sometimes.”

I raised my brows at that and she shrugged.

“Mama wasn’t the only one who needed time to get over what my cousin had done,” she said and let out a sigh. “Or what Baba had done. And it makes things hard sometimes but....”

Shuri shrugged again.

“It must be working because no one has tried to kill each other by now.”

She said it simply and I watched as she shifted her attention to the television. Through all of this, I had often wondered how Shuri felt about what had happened.

If his cousins were anything to go by, it shouldn’t be a surprise that Erik was growing into his emotional maturity. This family really knew how to take a hit and keep on moving, even when it was caused by their own family members.

If they could reconcile over what had happened, couldn’t I?

__________________________

Shuri’s prediction had been right and T’Challa and Erik did take another hour before they were done. It had been right on time as the pizza had arrived only five minutes before they stepped into the living room, showered and casually dressed.

We had settled onto the couch and the family tv night had begun.

“I can’t believe I’ve never watched this before,” I commented, watching as Huey and Uncle Ruckus fought on The Boondocks. “I love this.”

“I do too,” Shuri said and bit into a slice of her pizza. “It is extremely entertaining.”

“It is an interesting satire,” T’Challa mused as he gazed at the screen. “Although I am not sure if Shuri should be watching this.”

She made a noise of protest and I grinned at her from my where I had settled into Erik’s side on the couch.

“Will ya’ll shut up?” Erik muttered. “I’m trying to watch this.”

Shuri and I grinned at each other. We couldn’t really complain as he had been the one to pick the show.

_“This is the worst day of my entire life,’ Jazmine said._

_‘I told you,’ Huey said._

I couldn’t help but laugh quietly to myself and lean back as I kept my eyes trained on the screen. 

“Huey kind of reminds me of you,” I said, glancing at Erik. “Don’t you think, Shuri?”

“I was going to say Riley,” she said, and Erik narrowed his eyes at her. “Seems brilliant but ultimately destructive and childish.”

“You know what,” Erik started, sitting up, “you ain’t starting shit in my house, I’ll tell you that.”

“See? That’s something Riley would say,” she pointed out and I bit my lip to keep from laughing.

T’Challa shook his head as his family began bickering, but a small smile was on his lips.

_“Can ya’ll wait here a sec? There’s something I need to take care of,”  Huey said._

I was happy that they had come. Seeing Erik interact with his family put a smile on my face and I knew it mattered to him. Even if he’d never say it. It made me think about my conversation with Shuri earlier. I was in a better place in my life now and it was possible that maybe….

I slid out my phone from my hoodie pocket, shifting slightly to send out a quick text to Layla. It was a simple check in text, but it was sooner than she’d likely expect. I could at least try to build a relationship with her, at the least.  

“That’s why ya’ll asses are leaving after this,” Erik was saying.

“Oh please, Shae said we could stay as long as we like,” Shuri said and smirked at him.

“I don’t give a…”

T’Challa rose suddenly and I peered up at him, worried that maybe things were going too far. But he was gazing down at his phone distractedly.

“I apologize, but I have a call I must attend to,” he said and moved out of the living room.

I watched him leave curiously and Shuri hopped up to take his spot, lounging on the chaise. She noticed my curious look and grinned at me.

“It’s that phone call, remember?” she prompted, and I nodded.

“He doesn’t seem that nervous,” I mused. “I mean he’s always quiet, but I wouldn’t have guessed he was anxious about it.”

“About what?” Erik asked and I titled my head at him.

“Oh, I’m finally in the loop and you’re not?” I teased, and he rolled his eyes. “Well you know the woman you mentioned that he might like? I guess she’s going to be calling for a phone interview soon.”

Erik glanced at Shuri and she nodded. He smirked.

“Want to listen?” Shuri asked and I gave her a look. “What? Aren’t you curious?”

“No,” I said, even though I was. “Give them some privacy. If they’ve got history, it might come out and it’s none of our business.”

She pouted at me, her eyes pleading.

“He’d notice anyway,” Erik pointed out, his eyes returning to the screen as the next episode started playing. “You know he can probably hear us now.”

My eyes widened at that.

“Really? How? Why?”

“Black Panther remember?” Shuri quipped and resettled on the chaise. “The heart shaped herb gave him advanced abilities including enhanced senses.”

Oh shit, that’s right. It had been another interesting facet of information I had learned about King T’Challa. Not only that, there had been speculation that the effects of the same herb still lingered in Erik as well. Shuri thought it was why he had been able to survive the life-threatening injury so long ago. Erik was able to do a lot of things and I was never sure if that was just his natural skill or the remnants of the herb.

“Huh,” I said.

We lapsed into silence as we continued watching the show.

“Are you sure we can’t just…”

“No, Shuri,” I said without looking at her. “Leave your brother alone.”

She huffed at me and I spared her a quick grin.

Yeah, there was something nice about being around a family again.

______________________

 

 

 

 

 


	14. Chapter 14

 

 

When time continued to tick by, I volunteered to go check on T’Challa, wondering if maybe his conversation hadn’t gone as well as he liked.

 

“I thought we were minding our own business?” Erik prompted, and I frowned at him.

 

“I just wanted to tell him his food has gotten cold,” I said and Shuri snickered. “Really!”

 

“Nah, you just want to be nosy,” Erik said, watching as I rose. “Nigga’s fine.”

 

“Well, still, I’m going to check on him,” I insisted before leaving. “Don’t watch too far ahead, ok?”

 

“Sure thing, Shae. But if you’re out there too long, we’re not re-watching any episodes,” Shuri called and I sighed.

 

She and her cousin were alike in more ways than they knew.

____________

 

I found T’Challa on the balcony, gazing pensively at the night sky. His brows were furrowed and I had to call his name a bit louder to get his attention.

 

He blinked once and turned to me with an apologetic smile.

 

“I apologize,” he said, and I moved to stand next to him at the railing. “I fear I have been a bit distracted all night.”

 

I waved a hand dismissively with a smile. I wondered from his reaction if the phone call hadn’t been what he wanted.

 

“It’s fine. But maybe I can help?” I asked with a smile.

 

I could see the distraction in his eyes as he looked at me. It was like he was frustrated about something, a problem he couldn’t quite figure out.

 

“I may not be good enough to counsel a King, but maybe as a friend?” I tried hesitantly, and his eyes lightened as he smiled at me.

 

“And a valued one,” he said, and I beamed at him, pleased. “I fear it may be a bit…”

 

He shook his head and to my amusement, I realized that T’Challa actually seemed a bit bashful. I was extremely curious and decided to help.  

 

“Does it have something to do with the woman in Chicago?”

 

T’Challa looked at me in surprise and I shrugged.

 

“Shuri,” I said simply, and he rolled his eyes.

 

“Of course,” he muttered and sighed. “Yes, she is one of the first candidates we have for our initiative this summer. Yet, she is reluctant to go.”

 

I was thoroughly shocked. What person would give up that type of opportunity?

 

T’Challa saw my expression and that bashful expression crossed his face. But underneath, there was the frustration again.

 

“I fear it may have something to do with me,” he said, and I cocked my head at him curiously.

 

“What do you mean? Shuri said you two were old friends,” I said. I wasn’t sure how much I wasn’t supposed to know, so I opted for simple details.

 

T’Challa smiled wryly and shook his head.

 

“My little sister means well, but it is a bit more complicated than that. My friend, she was…she felt like more than just a friend,” he said and crossed his hands as he leaned over the railing. “But I never got to tell her that.”

 

I blinked in surprise, my mind reeling from that admission.

 

“Um, if you don’t mind me asking,” I started hesitantly, and he inclined his head for me to continue, “but I always thought Nakia was the only woman you had loved?”

 

He raised a brow at that and I mistook it as annoyance.

 

“I’m sorry, I mean it’s none of my business,” I said quickly, feeling my face heat, “I was just…. I mean sure you must have dated around before and…. oh no, I'm not trying to say you were promiscuous or anything…. I mean even if you were that’s not a big deal, I mean look at your cousin’s history…and, no, that’s not what I meant either….”

 

“It had always been expected that Nakia would be my queen,” T’Challa interrupted me, and there was laughter in his voice. “And for a time, we believed that to be true as well. But we were on two different paths, ones we could not follow together. Although I am no longer with her, Nakia will always have a special place in my heart.”

 

My face still felt warm, but I nodded to show I was listening. 

 

“So, where does this other woman come into play?” I asked and T’Challa linked his fingers together as he thought.

 

“I knew her when I attended Oxford. Both Nakia and I went to school there together, although Nakia’s term was shorter than mine. We were in the same class together and all of us grew closer as friends.”

 

He was smiling at the memory now, one finger absently rubbing the knuckle of another.

 

“She was from America and kept to herself mostly. I believe we were the few she willingly interacted with and I believe that had more to do with the fact that she was familiar with us due to our time together in class. When she decided to share her views, there was a passion in her that you couldn’t deny. They were articulate and well thought out, but there was a pain to her too. But she was very private, and I did not learn much from her, except that she was from Chicago and was very close to her grandmother.”

 

I propped my head in my hand as I looked at him.

 

“Kind of sounds like when I first met Erik,” I mused. “Quiet, passionate and smart, enough to make you curious to want to know more about them.” 

 

T’Challa hummed thoughtfully.

 

“Yes, I suppose so.  There were times, as I learned more about N’Jadaka and his pain, that I was reminded of her. I believe her experiences may have been similar and I was able to learn more about her as we grew closer. I believe that openness, as small as it was, perhaps developed through the love of her grandmother.”

 

“She had someone there for her at least,” I said, and he nodded.

 

“Yes. There was still trauma and a pain she must have experienced in her life, but she seemed determined to fight past it.”

 

T’Challa tilted his head to meet my gaze and smiled.

 

“And in that she reminds me of you, Shae,” he said, and I blinked in surprise. “You have always seemed determined to help other people. As if the things that have happened to you were motivators to do more than to do less.”

 

“No,” I said, waving a hand. “What I’ve been through is nothing compared to everyone else.”

 

“You truly believe that pain can be comparable? Surely you understand that we all endure things and though the experiences may not be the same, the pain that is felt is still valid.”

 

“Well,” I said slowly and sighed. “Yes, you have a point. So are you saying she wants to help people?”

 

“Yes,” he said, nodding. “She had claimed she wishes to make a change in the world. She wishes to prove that she is more than what people believe her to be and, in that way, she can help all others like her.”

 

“Black women?” I asked curiously.  That was a noble idea, wanting to be a trailblazer, but it was hard work to do alone.  

 

“I have begun to wonder,” T’Challa mused to himself. “If she means more than that.”

 

“What do you mean?” I asked him, peering at him.

 

I wanted to ask directly if he thought she was a mutant but felt that would be going too far. If he wanted to express that thought, it’d be up to him to do it.

 

T’Challa sighed and shook his head.

 

 “What I know for sure is that she is frustrated with her life now. She had seemed excited, but now, after speaking with me I can tell she has reservations again.”  

 

“Did you love her?” I asked, and he blinked at the sudden question. “I mean, you mentioned before that you may have felt something strongly for her.”

 

T’Challa didn’t respond for a moment and then he let out a deep sigh.

 

“She was….my feelings for her were deeper than she may have suspected. But then there was Nakia…”

 

“You didn’t know who you wanted,” I said, and he looked at me. “I’m not judging you, I’m just saying maybe you have a type.”

 

He raised a brow at that, but he smiled slightly, so I knew I hadn’t angered him.

 

There were times that she made me think that there may be more than what is planned for us,” he said. “She had been annoyed with me for not telling her I was a Prince, but once she accepted that, she didn’t treat me differently. Yes, she and Nakia are similar in many ways, but that’s not what drew me to her. She was….”

 

“Nakia was what you expected, and she was something new and different?” I tried, and he shook his head.

 

“No, that wasn’t it. My feelings were real for Nakia, just as they were for her,” T’Challa sighed again and I could understand now his frustration.

 

He was trying to come to terms with what he had felt and what he felt now. Sometimes we didn’t know why we drawn to certain people or why we loved who we did. It was just how things were sometimes.

 

“In any case, I had things that were expected of me. Even if I could have come to terms with how I felt, I had a duty to Wakanda. My father made sure to remind me of that.”

 

That sounded familiar. It made me wonder….

 

“Do you think that he was afraid for you?” I asked and T’Challa furrowed his brows again. “I mean, you said she was an American woman, right? She was passionate and wanted to make changes? Maybe he thought of his brother and what happened to him. Maybe the memory of his brother still lingered, and he feared you would do the same.”

 

T’Challa was studying me, and although he didn’t look angry, I hesitated.

 

“I don’t agree with your father’s choices, but I didn’t know him. Erik and I have had long talks about it. I think he’s still trying to work through how he feels about your father,” I explained. “I do think that maybe your father thought what he was doing was best for his people.”

 

T’Challa continued to look at me and I took it as a sign to continue.

 

“And I don’t know what you were like when you were younger, but you obviously recognized your responsibilities,” I said. “And since what you felt for Nakia was real too, maybe it was easier to move on from the other woman. Nakia was a part of your world and she wasn’t. And knowing that, maybe it made it easier to say you could move on from something that could have been.”

 

He huffed a small laugh at my words and shook his head.

 

“It was not I who made that decision,” he said. “She approached me and told me that our friendship was not something she thought would be best to continue. Perhaps not that eloquently, but she made her point.”   
  
“She said she didn’t want to be friends anymore?” I asked, and he nodded with a shrug.

 

I furrowed my brows and tapped a finger against the railing.

 

I thought about my own relationship with Erik. My desire to start out as friends hadn’t just been because I had been wary of his true intentions, but also because it was the only way I could still be with him without getting hurt. At least that’s what I had told myself. It had been a defense mechanism because I hadn’t been willing to admit at the time that I had feelings for him.

 

Hmm.

 

“Maybe she cared for you deeply too,” I said slowly, still mulling over my thoughts. “And maybe she was afraid of the rejection because she knew who you were and what that meant for your future.”

 

T’Challa straightened as he gazed at me, his brows furrowed.

 

“It’s easier to cut ties before they bind us too closely together,” I said, thinking of the time when Erik had left. I had spent time telling myself that I had been relieved we had been friends, that it made his absence easier to deal with. It hadn’t worked.

 

“And we think that if we tell ourselves that whatever bond we developed didn’t matter, it makes the pain easier,” I continued. “You said she knew you were a Prince? And she was friends with Nakia too? I’m betting she was tying pieces together herself and realized that if she let go of you, well, she probably figured she was saving herself some pain. It may have been harder, because she was friends with Nakia as well. If she’s like me, that would have been difficult, caring for someone while I knew he had feelings for my friend too.”

 

“Those are some thoughtful observations,” T’Challa murmured and I shrugged.

 

“Well, that’s part of the job, you know? You have to put pieces together from the stories people tell you. Sometimes those stories tell you more to what a person is feeling than what they’re willing to admit.”

 

I titled my head at him.

 

“Just curious though,” I said, studying him,” do you think she feels the same about you?”

 

T’Challa was staring ahead again, dark eyes lost in thought.

 

“Yes,” he said, and he sounded sure of his answer. “It was why it made things more difficult, more complicated. We had moments where… “

 

He frowned and shook his head.

 

“But that night, when she spoke to me for the last time, it almost…it felt as if I didn’t care anymore. It was sudden, and I didn’t understand where it came from….”

 

 He trailed off and the he rubbed a hand through his beard. It was like something clicked in his mind.

 

“What? What is it?” I asked, eager to know what epiphany he just had.

 

“I believe I may have a few suspicions I need to answer,” he said and turned to me with an almost smug grin. “Thank you, Shae. Truly you have been a help.”

 

Oh, that was quick. I didn’t feel like I had done anything but listen, but it seemed that was enough sometimes.

 

“Anything I can do to help,” I said, smiling. “Besides, I guess this could count as payback for everything you did to help Erik and I get back together.” 

 

 I remembered that phone call fondly, how he had offered me advice in the same way. Sometimes it just took a little outside perspective to help you work through what you may be feeling.

 

“Do you care for her as much, even after all this time?” I asked, and he inclined his head at me.

 

“Does one ever truly forget those who had made a mark on them?” he responded and then shook his head with a smile. “I never forgot about her. But even more than that, I never felt settled in how things were left between us.”

 

“You want to try again?” I asked, and he nodded.

 

“Circumstances are different now,” he said. “The world is not what I had believed it to be and I believe that I can show her this too.”

 

He was gazing off again, eyes filled with determined.

 

“I believe her affections are still there, even if she is not willing to admit it,” he said and shook his head. “Bast that woman can be stubborn.”

 

I found myself grinning, amused at his exasperated comment.

 

“She may be scared,” I said thoughtfully, and he looked at me. “If she is anything like Erik, she may not be used to the idea of someone loving her. Truly loving her, faults and all.”

 

He hummed thoughtfully.

 

I was eager at the thought of T’Challa finding someone. I knew just how important love was and although I didn’t know this woman, if he seemed so conflicted about her…..

 

“You should go visit her,” I said and he looked at me. “There’s some things that can’t be conveyed over a phone, you know? If you really want to reconnect with her, show her that. And at the very least, you can finally settle things, you know?”

 

T’Challa had returned his gaze to staring out into the sky again, tapping a finger against the ring on his hand.

 

“Perhaps,” he mused. “I still have other matters to attend to, but I may….”

 

“I want to come!”

 

We both turned to see Shuri and Erik in the doorway. Shuri was grinning excitedly and I shot Erik a look.

 

“Seriously?” I groaned and he shrugged. “You guys….”

 

“We must go see her, brother,” she said and smirked at T’Challa. “And if you freeze, then I will no for sure.”

 

T’Challa groaned and Shuri snickered.

 

“Freeze?” I asked and looked between the siblings. “What do you mean?”

 

“Whenever my brother likes someone,” Shuri said, ignoring his look of annoyance. “He freezes.”

 

“I wanna see that,” Erik said and smirked at his cousin. “You always acting all regal and shit… ”

 

  T’Challa gave him a mild look, clasping his hands behind his back. Erik’s smirk grew wider.

 

“Look at you, she ain’t even here and you’re getting all tense,” he said and Shuri laughed.

 

“Would you two leave him alone?” I asked, even as I felt my own smile.

 

“Oh, please we’re family, Shae. Don’t act like you don’t want to tease him too,” Shae said and I blinked at her.

 

I had always thought they viewed me as just Erik’s girlfriend. This was the first time there had been an expression of something more.   


 “Y-you…you think I’m like family?” I asked softly and the siblings exchanged a glance.

 

T’Challa cocked his head at me.

 

“Of course,” he said and glanced over at Erik. Then he smirked.

“*Mhlawumbi ngelinye ilanga liya kuba ligosa, eh?” T’Challa said to him and Shuri let out a delighted laugh.

Erik opened his mouth and then closed it. He kissed his teeth and titled his face away.

“Shut the fuck up, T,” he said and I cocked my head at him.

It seemed that the tables had turned and for some reason, I had the distinct feeling that Erik was embarrassed.

“Erik, are you…what did he say to you?” I asked and but he wouldn’t look at me.

“Nothing,” he muttered and I looked to T’Challa.

“What did you say?” I asked and T’Challa grinned at me.

“I merely reminded my cousin that he shouldn’t wait so long.”

I gave him a confused look.

“Wait for what?” I asked and T’Challa nodded.

“Exactly.”

It seemed like the King was content to be coy and for whatever reason, he’d managed to embarrass his cousin, something I didn’t think was possible.

 “Shuri,” I pleaded, but she shook her head. “Oh come on, that’s not fair.”

“*Ukuba unentloni, ndinokumbuza,” she said to Erik and he gave her a dirty look.

Damnit. I definitely needed to learn Xhosa.

“Keep it up,” he growled.

The siblings started laughing and Erik looked at me.

“This is your fault,” he said, scowling. “This is why I don’t like these niggas coming over.”

He had turned to go back inside and Shuri trailed after him, still laughing lightly.

“You’re only mad because we’re right,” she called. “N’Jadaka!”

I watched them go with a smile on my face. A hand on my shoulder had me looking to see T’Challa smiling at me.

“Enkosi,” he said and when I gave him a disgruntled look he chuckled. “It means thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” I said returning his smile. “I hope everything works out for you.”  
  
He smiled at me again and went to enter the room.

“Oh, and T’Challa?” I called and he turned to look at me.

“Just make sure you don’t freeze though, ok?”

We both heard Shuri erupt into laughter in the other room and he shook his head.

“Bast help me,” he muttered and I couldn't help the laugh that escaped.

I loved when Erik’s family came to visit.

_____________________

 

My assumption that T’Challa was an early riser like Erik had checked out. The next morning, I had struggled to wake myself up in time to catch them before he and Shuri left. Shuri had been aware of my plans and had distracted Erik so I could grab T’Challa alone after breakfast.

 

“I completely forgot to ask you last night,” I said when I cornered him in the kitchen. “But did you have any ideas for Erik’s birthday next month?”

 

T’Challa rinsed his plate and set in in the sink before turning to me.

 

“And yes, I know anything with me would be good enough,” I said before he could speak and he smiled slightly. “I was hoping maybe something a bit more though.”

 

Shuri had asked Erik to help her with one her gadgets in her guest room, ensuring that he wouldn’t eavesdrop.

 

“Maybe something from his father?” I asked. “Like his ring?”

 

“Anything my uncle left behind has already been given to N’Jadaka,” T’Challa said and inclined his head. “Perhaps something from his mother?”

 

I sighed and shook my head.

 

“The police raided his place after his father passed,” I said and felt my shoulders slump. “Anything that would have belonged to her would have been taken.”

 

T’Challa said nothing for a moment, his eyes thoughtful.

 

“Would they have taken things as evidence?” he asked. “Perhaps something that would have been kept with police records?”

 

I gazed at him, my mind scrambling to think.

 

“You mean like photos or items?” I asked and he nodded. “I don’t know. Erik didn’t talk about it a lot, just said they swept the place clean.”

 

“Hmm,” T’Challa mused. “I can have someone look into it. They may be able to recover something that belonged to his mother.”

 

“Do they hold onto evidence that long?” I asked, wondering.

 

To recover something that belong to Erik’s mother….

 

“It wouldn’t hurt to check,” he said and gave me a small smile. “You truly wish to make N’Jadaka happy, don’t you?”

 

“More than anything,” I said immediately. “He hasn’t gotten that a lot in his life, you know? All I ever want is for him to find peace in the world, any way he can.”

 

T’Challa studied me for a moment and I raised my brows.

 

“What?” I asked, trying to read his expression..

 

He just shook his head with a smile.

 

“It is nothing,” he said and chuckled when I pursed my lips at him. “In any case, I will keep you updated when I find something, yes?”

 

I nodded, happy that he was able to help.

 

“Enkosi,” I said, and he grinned at me. “Ah, did that come out right?”

 

“It is a good start,” he praised, and I grinned at him.

 

I knew T’Challa had major pull, and if anyone could find something of Erik’s mother, he could do it. And I had learned quickly that the King was always willing to help those who were close to him.

 

The cousins may not always get along, but they had developed a bond and I was happy to witness it.

 

______________________

 

I enjoyed the rest of my time off. Erik still went into the office but tended to work half days during the week of my vacation. Perks of being the boss, I guess. Well, technically he was one of the bosses. I have to admit, if Erik hadn’t been there, I’d likely keep myself busy by attempting to do work from home or chores. I had never been good  at stepping back from my work, mostly because I felt that I couldn’t afford to fall behind.

By the time Friday rolled around, it became obvious that I had a slight workaholic problem.

“What are you doing?” Erik asked me, and I sat back on my heels to look at him over my shoulder.

“I’m cleaning,” I said and turned back to scrubbing the bathroom floor. “I figured the rubber gloves would be a clue.”

He ignored the remark and I could feel him continue to watch me.

“This is what you’ve been doing when I go in?” he asked.

“Uh huh,” I grunted, working at a stubborn spot. “I’ve been going through the list of stuff I wanted to do before the week is up.”

“Shae,” he said and he sounded exasperated. “This is a chore list.”

I sat back to look at him again.

He had found the notepad I had left on the bathroom counter and was reading it.

“It’s my vacation list,” I corrected him.

“No, it’s a chore list,” he retorted.  “Clean out the refrigerator, do laundry, clean guest bathrooms and bedrooms…. shit, you only got the weekend left and this all you’ve been doing?”

I pursed my lips at his tone and rose to my feet.

“What? All that stuff needs to be done anyway,” I said and dropped my sponge into the wash bucket. I had made a cleaning recipe I had found online and it was working wonders.

“You know we can hire a cleaning service,” he pointed out.

“I don’t mind doing it,” I said and shrugged.

“What do you do when I’m not here?” he asked and waved the notepad with his hand. “I mean when I ain’t in town.”

“I work,” I said and he frowned. “What? I mean, like you said, I didn’t really take a lot of time off you know. Even when I was in school, how many days off do you remember me taking off?”

Erik furrowed his brows as he stared at me.

“What?” I mumbled and shifted as he kept looking at me.

“You don’t…” he started and shook his head. “Damn, girl.”

I tugged off my rubber gloves with an annoyed huff.

“Hey, you work all the time too,” I said. “Don’t act like it’s just me.”

“It’s different,” he replied. “Shit, I know how to relax when I want to. I don’t think you can.”

I frowned at him and he shrugged as he looked down at my list.

“All of this, none of it is anything fun. It’s all shit you think you have to do.”

“There’s nothing wrong with being responsible, “I muttered and began to wipe down the counter with a cleaning rag.

“Ain’t got nothing to do with being responsible, ma,” Erik said as he watched me. “You act you ain’t allowed to take a fucking break.”

I didn’t say anything and continued cleaning. Erik sighed.

“What were you planning on doing later?” he asked.

“My hair,” I said, still not looking at him. “I wanted to take my braids out and do a deep condition.”

“You still want help with that?” he offered.

“Yes,” I blurted and he smirked at me. “I mean, yeah, if you know, you don’t have anything else to do.”  


 “Yeah,” he said and my smile grew wider. “I got you.”

______________________

 

Translations

 

*Maybe one day it will be official

 

*If you’re too shy, I can ask her

 


	15. Chapter 15

 

My momma was the one who taught me how to do hair. I had grown up with natural hair my whole life, so I didn’t have to deal with the big chop like other black women had to endure when they decided to transition to natural hair. Through my mother’s guidance, I learned quickly what products worked with my hair and what didn’t, or how to style my hair the way I liked. By the time I was in middle school, I knew well enough how to do my hair on my own and had incorporated its maintenance into my daily routine.

The upside was that I found another way to bond with my cousins. Ty and Keith tended to wear dreads and once they found out I could do them, they would always hit me up when they needed them re-dreaded. Shannon would often ask me to wash and press out her hair for a straighter look. Shannon and I didn’t hang out a lot, but when it came to her hair, she used to always ask if I wanted to come over. Soon, some of my cousins’ friends learned I could do hair and requests became more frequent. I built my skill and by the time I was in college, doing hair became a side hustle that helped bring in extra cash.

When Erik first offered to help me with my hair, I had been a bit wary. I didn’t know what his skill level was and I wasn’t too keen to having someone roughly pulling and tangling up my coils. I had put a lot of time, effort, tears and love into my hair and I was very protective on who I let help me with it. But I loved Erik, so I figured I’d give him a shot.

Every woman’s hair routine is different and once I told him mine, he had nodded without batting an eye. He had buried his fingers in my curls enough time to know how thick it was and I had wondered if he was truly up to the task. Like I’ve said before, natural hair care was not for the faint of heart.  

I should not have been surprised, given Erik’s track record of having the most obscure skills, that Erik was surprisingly good at doing my hair. Not only that, but I had learned something about myself as well. I had spent so much time doing other people’s hair, that I had missed out on how relaxing and connecting it is to have someone doing mine. I had done Erik’s hair plenty of times and it had been a new experience to be on the receiving end. Even more than that, it was almost like an intimate moment, when I was stationed between his legs, his strong fingers gently massaging my scalp, expertly detangling my hair, exploring the kinky curls that made up the volume mess that was my hair. I took pride in my hair and the work I put into it and it touched me that he worked with that same care whenever he tended to my tresses.

_____________________

We settled in the living room with my supplies, prepared for tackling the long process. Erik was a pro at taking out my braids, so I left him to it as I pulled out one of my favorite video games.

“Did you know that they’re coming out with a third one,” I said absently as I moved Sora to dodge and then wipe out a Heartless. “That would make eight Kingdom Hearts games.”

“Nah,” Erik said, using a rattail comb to gently untangle another braid. “It’s nine.”

“No,” I insisted, my fingers working at the controller as I navigated Sora inside the Cave of Wonders. “It’s eight, right?”

It had only been an hour or two and he was making good progress. I had been working on this game randomly throughout the year and hadn’t realized how far I had actually gotten.

Currently, I was trying to remember which way I was supposed to go. I had already worked my way through the Dark Chambers and needed to find another chamber upstairs, I think. Man, it really has been a second since I played this game.

 “It’s nine,” Erik corrected and gently tugged out the loosened hair. “Including the one they gonna drop.”

I pursed my lips together and paused the game. Reaching over his leg, I picked up my phone and pulled up Google. Erik kept working, unbothered by my doubt. 

“Kingdom Hearts, Chain of Memories, Kingdom Hearts II, Kingdom Hearts Code, 358/2 Days, Birth by Sleep, Dream Drop Distance, Unchained X, which I’ve never heard of, and Kingdom Hearts III yet to be released,” I counted and sighed.

Damnit, he was right. 

“Well, Mr. Know It All,” I said and sniffed as I returned to my game. “You missed the mobile game though.”

Erik snickered.

“Whatever makes you feel better, baby girl,” he said and gently pulled out another piece. “But it’s still nine.”

It took the rest of the afternoon to take out my braids, apply the pre-poo, wait, apply the oil and detangle, shampoo and then, finally apply my deep conditioner. By the time I pulled on my plastic cap, I was definitely grateful for the help.

We switched off playing and he took over the controller. I stretched out on the chaise with a bowl of popcorn, absently eating as I watched him play. After an hour or two, I’d rinse out the conditioner and finish up with the last stage of my routine. It was some work, but the soft and manageable hair was totally worth it.

“So this is all you wanna do?” he asked, pausing to snag a few kernels from bowl. “You only got the weekend left.”

“I know,” I mused. “Guess I am kind of boring.”

Erik spared me a look and I sighed. I hadn’t meant it like that. Well, not really.

“Look, I was just talking to Mrs. Danielle about it. I’ve never been in a position in life where I can just have leisure time, you know? Like it’s always been work or school or something.”

Erik was at Oogie Manor, the last boss in Halloween Town. Damn, he was making really good progress to get this far.

“Ay, look, if this is all you wanna do, then cool,” Erik said, noticing my look.

“It’s not that,” I said and paused. “I mean, I used to have all kinds of ideas of fun stuff I wanted to do, you know? Like what my life would be like and the kind of things I’d be doing.”

Erik was looking at me as a cut scene played on the television.

“Like what?” he asked, and I looked at him curiously. He was using a tone I couldn’t quite read.

“Ah, I don’t know. I’d go to a spa or go shopping or something. Or I’d spend time in a huge library and just read all kinds of books. One that was big enough where I could spend days just reading in a comfy chair.”

I sat up, feeling more excitement bubble up.

“Or I’d travel and try new foods, listen to new music, learn a language, I guess. Just go on trips every now and then, expand my worldview and all that.”

Erik was frowning at me, the game now paused.

“What?” I asked, frowning back at him.

“Shae, we can do all that now,” he said, and I blinked. “Why you wait so long to say something?”

I suddenly felt sheepish at the exasperated look he gave me. It wasn’t like I was trying to hide those things, I just got wrapped up in my new life, I had almost forgotten all the new things I wanted to do.

“Well, I don’t know,” I mumbled. “That first year was a settling in period. New place, new job, not really time to pull out a bucket list and try new things. And some of the stuff I can do at the Center, you know?”

We looked at each other for a moment and then Erik shook his head and returned to the game. I moved the popcorn bowl onto the coffee table and scooted closer to him. I settled into his side, tucking my legs underneath me. 

“Actually, I was thinking about going to the spa while you were at work. Courtney told me about this place that does facials and really good massages. And she said I should ask for a Sam….”

“Sam?” Erik interrupted without looking away from the screen.

“Yes,” I continued. “She said to ask for Sam and there’s a deal for…”

“Shae.”

The edge in his voice had me pursing my lips. I had guessed he’d pick up on that.

“Sam’s a guy but…” I tried, but he shook his head.

“Nope.”

“What do you mean ‘nope’? I thought I was supposed to do whatever I want?”

 “Yeah, that don’t include having some nigga rubbing you down,” he said, and I let out a groan.

“It wouldn’t even be like that!” I protested. “It’d just be some random guy.”

“You think that’d make it better?” he asked, incredulous.

“I don’t know! I was hoping you’d be neutral at the most about it,” I said, and he rolled his eyes.

“I’d be neutral about someone putting his hands all over you?” he asked sarcastically.

Well, when he said it like that, I could see why he had a problem.

“I mean sort of? I wouldn’t be naked,” I said, and he gave me a look. “Ok, fine. I’ll ask for a woman.”

Erik didn’t look convinced and I shook my head at him.

“I’ll just get a facial instead?” I tried, and he nodded, appeased.

I stared at him for a second and then huffed out an annoyed sigh.  

“That’s why Alisha said you have a nigga mentality,” I muttered. “The possessiveness is unnecessary.”

“Watch it,” he said lightly, his eyes still on the screen. “Don’t let your friend get you in trouble.”

“You don’t….”

 My words were cut off with the buzz of my phone and I shifted to pick it up off the coffee table. Layla’s name flashed across the screen and I raised my brows in surprise. I had sent her that text, but I didn’t think she’d call.

“Hello?” I asked and then winced with how unsure I sounded.

“Shae, hey cuz, what’s up?” Layla greeted. “Is this an ok time to call?”

“Oh, hey, Layla,” I said. “Sorry, yeah, you’re fine, I just wasn’t expecting it.”

“Oh,” she said and laughed lightly. “Ok, I wasn’t sure, I forget sometimes that you’re in a different time zone.”

“Different time zone?” I asked and she hummed in acknowledgement.

“Oh shit, yeah I moved in with my girlfriend a few months ago. I’m in London, girl!”

I was both surprised and unsurprised. Layla had always said that when she got the chance, she was moving out of the country. I wasn’t the only one who had dreamed of seeing the world when we were growing up.

“Oh, well that’s awesome, Layla,” I said. “How has it been so far?”

“Takes a bit of getting used to,” she admitted. “But I’ve always been adaptable. Abbey had opened up a pub and when business got better, I finally decided to make the big move out here. Kind of like when you went to Oakland, huh? How’s that? You still with your man?”

“Yeah,” I said. “It’s been pretty good. I’m actually finishing up my first few days off since I started working.”

Layla laughed.

“That is not surprising at all,” she said, still chuckling lightly. “I still remember how you’d rather read or do work then go out and play.”

“Well old habits die hard,” I mumbled, and she laughed again. “I’m glad you’re doing well. I feel bad for not staying in touch with you more.”

Erik was still playing, but I knew he was listening. He always paid attention to things, one of his old habits that he didn’t get rid of.

“Yeah, you know it’s life,” Layla was saying. “Don’t feel bad, it’s on me too, you know? But, it was kind of like, divine intervention that you texted me a few days ago cause I was thinking about calling you anyway.”

“Why?” I asked, curious. “Is something wrong?”

“No, not wrong,” she said slowly. “But momma moved in with us and she had been asking about you.”

That startled me, and I shifted my phone again.

“Wait what? Aunt Ria is living with you?” I asked, the surprise apparent in my voice.

“Uh huh. It’s only been for a few weeks. She’s gotten sicker and well, I can’t get ahold of Keith, no telling where that nigga is. And no one’s heard from Dad in a while.” 

My Uncle Neil and Aunt Ria got divorced after Micah died. Layla used to say he’d visit every now and then, but soon those visits had dwindled.

Layla let out a sigh before continuing.

“Anyway, Abbey was cool with me bringing her out here, cause she needed someone to look after her. I found out that she and Aunt Melba aren’t talking, did you know that?”

Well, damn. At least I had avoided apparently another family feud.

“No,” I said and plucked absently at my plastic cap. “Do you know why?”

“Does it matter?” she retorted and then huffed out a breath. “My bad, Shae. I didn’t mean it like that.”

“It’s ok,” I said, unphased. “I get it.”

“So, long story short,” she continued again. “I was thinking about inviting my favorite cousin up for a visit. I mean, since I got settled, I’d love to see you again and momma wants to see you and you know, since we’re trying to reconnect and all.”  


I bit my lips, my eyes trained on the cut scene playing on the screen.

“It won’t even have to be that long,” Layla said, sensing my hesitation. “I know you’ve got work and everything. Just maybe, like a week at the most. And you can even bring your boyfriend, too, if you want. We’ve got the space.”

  
“Ah,” I said slowly, thinking about it. My first international trip. “I mean, I’d love to but I have work and my best friend is getting married this summer and then there’s the summer program….”

“We’re going.”

I looked at Erik, startled. He had paused the game and was looking at me.

“Layla, hang on a second,” I said and then muted the phone.

“Erik, a week off is one thing, but going abroad? That’s way more involved.”

I wanted to go, but as soon as I thought about going, I started to also think of all the things that I had to do here.

“You wanted to see the world, right?” Erik prompted. “Wouldn’t have been the first place I’d pick, but shit, it’s a start. You got time.”

“No, I don’t,” I insisted. “The summer programs coming up and, like I said, Alisha’s wedding. I mean sure, she’s pretty much planned it, but what if she needs my help and…”

“I want to go for my birthday,” he said, interrupting me. “You wanted to do something special? Let’s go for my birthday.”

I stared at him, the phone gripped in my hand.

Oh, that was a sneaky move.

I knew damn well he didn’t care what we did for his birthday. But he knew I cared and that would be enough.

“Tell your cuz we’ll come next month. Two weeks.”

I opened my mouth to protest and he raised a brow.

“It’s for my birthday, Shae,” he said, a smirk forming. “I thought you wanted to make it special?”

“Oh, you are so…” I muttered, and his smirk grew. “That is so not playing fair.”

He just looked at my phone pointedly and I let out a sigh.

“Hey Layla,” I said after I unmuted the phone. “Would it be ok if we come next month? For two weeks?”

“Yes! That’d be perfect!”

I couldn’t help but smile at her enthusiasm and eyed Erik as he turned back to the game with a look of smug amusement on his face.

A trip to London, huh? It wasn’t my first choice either, but I was still excited at the thought of going.

_______________________________

“Are you sure it’s ok?” I asked as I typed on my office computer. “It’ll be pretty close to the date you set for your wedding.”

“Girl, as long as you show up in your dress, with your toast, you’re good. I mean, you’ll be back a few weeks before, it’ll be fine,” Alisha replied, and I could hear her typing too.

It turned out that Alisha loved her job just as much as I loved mine.

“A toast?” I repeated, pausing. “Oh damn, I have to do public speaking again?”

Alisha laughed lightly.

“Uh, yeah, that’s one of your jobs as maid of honor, remember? It’ll be fine. You’re a great writer. Just write a toast about how amazing and flawless I am, and it’ll be perfect.”

I laughed and shook my head.

“Ok, I can do that,” I said. “Thanks for being cool about all of this.”

“No problem,” Alisha said. “But you are required to attend the bachelorette party, that’s a done deal.”

“Of course it is,” I sighed and heard a knock at my door. “Hey, I gotta go, but I’ll talk to you later, ok?”

After returning to work two weeks ago, I was able to settle back into the normal routine when I came back to work. Mrs. Danielle had been right though. Although I felt like I had been gone for a while, the kids and the center kept running smoothly without me.

Was it petty of me that I kind of wanted something to fall apart because I wasn’t here? Nothing big, obviously.

Ok, not really. It’s for the best that nothing did. I would’ve felt guilty if something had gone wrong in my absence.

Malik and Avery entered when I prompted them, and I closed out the program I had been working in. I always liked to give my full attention to whoever came into my office.

“Hey guys, what’s up?” I asked, watching as they settled into the seats across from my desk.

“I was told to give you this,” Malik said and slid me a sealed manila envelope.

I took it from him and began to gently unseal it when I noticed they were watching me intently.

“Can I help you guys with something else?” I asked, pausing my movements.

“Yeah,” Avery said and nodded towards the envelope. “You can open that, so we can see what’s in it.”

I gave him an amused smile and shook my head. I opened the envelope and pulled out a note to find elegant script written neatly on the piece of paper.  

_Shae,_

_I was able to locate only one remaining item that belonged to N’Jadaka’s mother and with some persuasion, it came into my possession. Even more fortunate, it was a vibranium ring that had been cleverly cased to appear less than valuable. The markings on it mean ‘Beloved.’ My uncle N’Jobu must have given it to her. It was found in one of the pockets of an old sweater and no one thought to check after all these years. Bast be praised._

_I am glad you asked me to help you with this. I have learned more about my uncle while undertaking this task and I only hope that this gives N’Jadaka more peace of mind._

_Regards,_

_T’Challa_

The ring had been cleaned thoroughly and when I titled it towards the light I could make out the Wakandan script etched out on the inside of the ring. It was simple and yet beautiful, and I rubbed my finger over the smooth surface briefly.

_Yes! Yes! Yes!_

 I felt myself smiling like an idiot, overjoyed with the fact that I had something wonderful to give Erik.

 _Looks like I owe T’Challa another one_.

“Yo, what is that?” Avery inquired, peering at the ring. I couldn’t stop smiling.

“Huh? What’s what?” I asked and they both gave me a look. “Ok, fine. But you cannot tell Erik, ok? It’s a birthday gift.”

“Ah for real? When’s E’s birthday?” Malik asked, leaning back in his seat.

“Coming up pretty soon,” I said, and I could feel my cheeks beginning to hurt from smiling so much.

“Look, if you’re trying to keep it a secret, maybe don’t smile so hard,” Avery pointed out, eying me. “You look like you’re hiding something.”

I nodded and smoothed my hands down my cheeks. I was just so excited. I slipped the note and the ring back into the envelope and slid out my drawer to tuck it into my purse.

“My momma knows how to make the best chocolate cake,” Malik said, and Avery nodded. “You want me to ask her to make you one?”

I gasped, delighted.   
  
“That’s a great idea, Malik!” I said, beaming at him. “Although, I wonder how I’d get a cake on the plane.”  
  
“Why are you trying to get a cake on plane?”

We turned to see Nakia and Courtney entering my office. I had forgotten that the boys had left my door open when they entered. Thank goodness Erik hadn’t walked by. He had sharp hearing too and it was already hard enough trying to keep a secret from him.

“For E’s birthday,” Avery said. “She’s trying to surprise him, I guess. Don’t know why she’s talking about a plane though.”

“Guys,” I pleaded and waved towards the door. “Close it if you’re going to talk about it, ok?”

Courtney smiled and shook her head.

“Look, I just came to find these two,” she said, motioning to Malik and Avery. “We’re bout to do our first tech meeting and we need our audio guys.”

Inspired by the movie at the lock-in, the kids who had signed up for the theatre program were putting on Cinderella for their first production. The enthusiasm they showed for the project was wonderful and Courtney had decided that the creative development should be a collaborative process. Not only would it teach them how to work as a team, they’d also learn how to respect one another’s ideas and how to compromise effectively.

“We’re coming, we’re coming,” Avery sighed, and they rose to follow her out.

Malik paused and turned to look at me from the doorway.

“Hit my mom up, Miss Shae,” he said. “She likes ya’ll and will probably be happy to help.”

I smiled at him and nodded.

“Ok. Thanks, Malik!”

He gave a two-finger salute before leaving, shutting the door behind him.

Nakia settled into the now vacated seat and smiled at me.

“So what’s this about a cake on a plane?”

I grinned at her.

“Well, I’ve been wanting to do something special for Erik, because his birthday is coming up. So, I asked T’Challa if he had any ideas and basically, he was able to help me find a ring that used to belong to his mother. We think his father gave it to her.”

Nakia raised her brows.

“A ring from Prince N’Jobu to his mother?” she mused, and I nodded. “Ah, I see. Yes, I think N’Jadaka would like that.”

“Yeah, right? And then Malik was saying that his mother makes a really good chocolate cake, so I figured I could ask her to make a birthday cake.  I was going to try and cook one of his favorite meals, but that might not work out since we’ll be traveling.”

“That’s right,” she said. “You mentioned you were visiting a cousin in London sometime next month?”

“Yeah.”

Nakia raised a brow at my tone and I let out a sigh.

“I’d love to see her,” I said, nudging the glasses up the bridge of my nose. “I just…it’s been a while and I’m worried we won’t reconnect like we did when we were younger.”

Nakia smoothed her fingers on the armrest of the chair and looked thoughtful.

“I can understand that,” she murmured. “You are worried that time has changed you so much that your relationship won’t be the same.”

I looked at her curiously and she gave me a small smile.

“I am thinking about seeing an old friend of mine,” she explained. “I am just worried that maybe…she may not wish to see me.”

“An old friend?” I asked, and she nodded.

“We went to Oxford together,” she said, and my eyes widened. “I spent a year there before returning home to finish my education.”

Oh yes, of course the woman that Shuri and T’Challa had mentioned. I felt the stirrings of guilt. Hadn’t I just encouraged her ex to seek this woman out, in the hopes of rekindling a relationship? I had been so eager to help T’Challa, I had forgotten to think how Nakia must feel about all of this.

Nakia tilted her head at me, studying my expression.

“What is it?” she asked.

“Well, um…” I started. I tugged off my glasses to clean them with the end of my shirt. “I think I know who you’re talking about and…. I may have encouraged T’Challa to seek her out and…”

I slipped my glasses back on and looked at her worriedly.

“You did? Did he listen?” she asked, and I cleared my throat nervously.

“I’m not sure. I mean, I think so?” I answered hesitantly.

Nakia’s face split into a huge smile.

“Oh, that’s wonderful,” she said, nodding. “Good. He’s always worried on whether he is doing the right thing and I told him it’d be better to just talk to her.”

I stared at her, completely bewildered. She let out a small laugh at my expression.

“T’Challa was conflicted and wanted to make sure that I was fine with his decision to pursue her. We were all friends at one point and given our past relationship, I believe he’s trying his best to make sure not to offend anyone.”

I nodded at that. It sounded like T’Challa.

 “I cannot hold it against him for wanting to pursue another relationship. I love it here and I feel that I have finally found my calling. Who would I be to deny him the chance to find his own happiness?”

I studied Nakia, struck by her maturity and insight.

“You’re not jealous or anything?” I asked, despite myself. “I mean you loved him, or still do, don’t you?”

Nakia’s gaze flickered to the window, a pensive expression on her face.

“T’Challa and I have been friends since we were children. We had many adventures together and I was there to see him grow into the man he is today. And yes, I fell in love with him as we grew closer throughout the years. I was not afraid to speak my mind around him and he never punished me for it, even if we didn’t always agree.”

She had relaxed back into her seat, still lightly tracing the fabric of the armrest with her fingers.

“T’Challa’s destiny was to be a King. That was always known and expected of him. Even I expected it of him and hoped that I could help him when he had to lead Wakanda. And as the daughter of the River Tribe Chieftan, our relationship was met with enthusiasm and approval. We would be a good match and could lead Wakanda as King and Queen.”

She sighed and returned her gaze back to me.

“I love my country, truly I do. But I do not want to be Queen. My time in the field has shown me that there are so many people suffering and yet Wakanda did nothing to help them. I knew we could do help those people and do it better. It was always a disagreement between T’Challa and I. He was bound by the expectations and duties laid on him as the Prince. And as for me, I still had that freedom to explore the world and help others as I much as I could.”

She smiled then, as if reflecting on a fond memory.

“Jenna, our friend, and I connected because of this. When we met in Oxford, she was engaging and thoughtful and I learned a lot just by listening to her own stories. It was actually fun to team up with her in a debate against T’Challa. Although we came from different walks of life, I felt I could understand her and she could understand me. We just wanted the world to do better and were trying to figure out how we could help that happen.”

She propped her head on her fist as she gazed at a spot on my desk.

“I was only meant to attend Oxford for a year and then I returned to Wakanda to complete my War Dog training. Oxford was my first chance of being outside Wakanda and after talking to Jenna and becoming her friend, I knew then that I could not stay in Wakanda as the Queen. I could show my love of my country by being a representative in the world, helping make changes. T’Challa understood that and though it was painful for us both, we decided it would be best to end the romantic relationship between us. But he will always be my closest friend.”

It was truly a sign of maturity and respect that she felt that way. Many people held onto the pain and it morphed into animosity or resentment when dealing with an ex. At least from the sessions I had with some previous clients.

“I could live my life on my own path and not the expectation of others,” Nakia continued. “T’Challa, I do not think he feels he has that luxury. Had it not been for N’Jadaka, I’m not sure if I could have finally convinced him to help the outside world. But there is a change in him and although the elders are still wary and resistant, I think Wakanda is moving in the right direction.”

I had never pushed Nakia on learning about her past relationship with T’Challa. It was one of those personal things that I’d rather leave to her to open up about. But now that we were on the subject, I found I was still curious.

“Well if that’s the case,” I said, and she re-focused her gaze on me. “Why don’t you guys try again then? I mean, T’Challa seems to be doing what you urged him to do, right?”

I realized what I just asked her and winced.

“Oh, I’m not trying to start anything, I just…”

“It’s fine,” she said, smiling. “I had thought about it once or twice. But I am good at what I do and I feel that my place is here. Being with T’Challa means that to be with him, I would have to accept the duty of being Queen.”

She shrugged.

“And my feelings on that have not changed,” she said. “He will always mean something to me, but I feel that I must pursue my own path and identity. Too often, I think, we are asked to give up parts of ourselves and only then do we realize how much that can hurt us.”

“Has anyone ever told you, you’re amazing?” I asked her. “I mean, I’ve sat in some of your seminars and they’re awesome, but I just wanted to reiterate you’re an awesome person.”

Nakia laughed and settled back into her seat again.

“Well, thank you, Shae,” she said and grinned at me. “You are amazing too. It takes a lot to be a capable confidante for many people and you seem to do it with ease. I hadn’t realized how much I wanted to reflect on this until speaking with you.”

“Ah well,” I said and shrugged. “It’s no big deal.”

Nakia studied me, a thoughtful look returning to her face.

“I have always found it interesting how easily you inspire others, and yet cannot see the inspiration within yourself. I have seen the changes in the people here, those who had seemed hardened against the world. And you remain patient and work with them, enduring the insults and anger and sadness.”

She titled her head at me.

“And you always seem surprised when someone points out this amazing gift you have,” she said. “As if you don’t believe it.”

I titled my head and nudged my glasses again.

“Erik says that a lot,” I said softly. “I don’t know. I studied the subject and sometimes it’s like I’m a mystery to myself. I mean, I’m proud of my work and happy I can help other people. But it feels surreal sometimes when someone compliments me or to see so many people who look up to me. I just try to be myself most of the time and it always startles me when I find out that there are people who like me, just the way I am.”

I lifted my gaze to meet Nakia’s again and gave a small smile.

“I read in one of the thousands of books Erik brought from Wakanda,” I said, “that many of us underestimate how small messages that we receive every day shape how we view ourselves. Whether it’s something you read, or watch or things people around you say, they stick to us. And even when we actively disagree with them, if you hear it enough, over and over again, your mind begins to adapt to that and think it's the reality.”

I rubbed a finger against the edge of my desk as I thought about the words from the book.

“Our minds have more power than anything outside of ourselves and yet we often turn it on us. Even the most narcissistic people are hurting themselves in the end because they paint an image that they rely upon and don’t give themselves room to grow. They believe their flawless, but their interactions with people don’t always line up with this reality because everyone’s imperfect. And then you have people who have to combat the negativity that the world throws at them every day, telling them who they are or who they are supposed to be.”

I waved a hand in frustration.

“And even when you know the things you think about yourself sometimes aren’t true, it’s hard to let go of them because you’ve heard them so many times and they’ve cemented into your mind.”

“It is the key and also the hardest thing to do,” Nakia said. “You get to decide the person you wish to be. But you should also allow yourself to accept the idea that others value you, more than you believe. You can take pride in who you are and that doesn’t mean you’re belittling someone else.”

“I know,” I said and sighed. “I do, I get it. I tell the kids that all the time. I just think it’s an aspect of my personality that I’ll always be working on. And I’m starting to feel that it’s okay, if that makes sense? I don’t expect to become perfect tomorrow, next year or ten years later. Because no one’s perfect. But my hope is that, at the very least, I can learn to take a compliment. I got so used to shrugging off the things people say to me that I think I forgot to accept the kindness that I’m shown too.”

Nakia grinned at me.

“I believe this recognition is just why you connect with people here so well,” she said. “You are genuine and don’t hide from your flaws, even as you struggle with them. Many people think they have to be one or the other.”

“Yeah, I try,” I said, and she raised a brow. “I mean, yes, thank you.”

Nakia chuckled and I smiled.

Perfectly imperfect, my mother used to say. There’s nothing wrong with being perfectly imperfect.

_______________________

It was an effort, but I decided that in my endeavor for self-improvement, I was going to do better at finding a work-life balance. It wasn’t as difficult as I thought. The weeks were counting down to Erik’s birthday and I was getting more and more excited. He eyed my enthusiasm with suspicion, but I stayed strong and didn’t let anything slip. I gave the packet to Nakia and asked her to hold onto it for me until we left on the trip. I was too worried that my excitement would overwhelm me, and I’d break and show his mother’s ring to him before his big day.

There was a reason I could have never planned a surprise party for him.

Malik’s mother agreed to making him a cake and I planned to stop by her place next week to pick it up. I was thinking to just have an early birthday dinner before we left and hoped that would put him off for when I gave him his actual gift on his birthday. If I could pull this off without letting anything slip, I could smugly say I had managed to get one over him.

 

The days became a blur of work, travel preparations and checking in with Alisha on my maid of honor duties. She had not been kidding when she said she already had it planned. She had already sent my bridesmaid dress in the mail, a beautiful red wine dress with silver embroidery around the edges. I was relieved that the dress had straps, as I knew I was not willing to fight with my bust in a strapless dress. I mean, I’d figure it out for her, but I didn’t want to if I didn’t have to. I had gained a few pounds, so it fit snugly when I tried it on.

“Just go to a seamstress out there and we can figure something out,” Alisha said.

  
“I can just lose a few pounds,” I told her. “I wanted to start training with Erik again anyway.”

 

“If you’re sure,” she hedged. “We can always order a size larger too. If it’s too big, we can just take it in.” 

 

“No,” I insisted and sighed. “I needed to get back on a workout routine anyway. Doing a dance class at the center every once in a while and a few yoga sessions isn’t cutting it.”

 

One thing I knew for sure, if I wanted to shed those pounds, I was going to need a dedicated fitness routine. And Erik was the person to go to.

 

_____________________

 

“Girl, I thought I taught you better than that,” Erik sighed and shook his head at me. “Don’t let yourself get distracted just cause you get a hit in.”

I grimaced as I stared up at the ceiling, my body already aching and covered in sweat.  These hour-long sessions always felt like an eternity when I trained with Erik.

“Get up.”

 

I had been too busy celebrating that I had finally hit him and had dropped my guard. He had swept my legs out from under me and I had fallen onto my back, the wind knocked out of me.

I had learned quickly that just because I was Erik’s girlfriend, that didn’t mean he was going to take it easy on me. If anything, I felt like he was more ruthless. I shifted my head to eye him. He was wearing a pair of shorts, black tank top and tennis shoes. His dreads were braided back from his face and he gave me an unsympathetic look as he gazed down at me.

Realistically it didn’t make sense. In what scenario would I ever be a match against someone like him?

“Up, Shae. We ain’t done.”

I gave him a look and he just smirked at me.

I rose to my feet, feeling the soreness in my limbs. Erik moved suddenly, and I saw his fist moving towards me. I jerked back quickly, and was thrown back into the routine of dodging the blows he threw at me.

_Dodge. Raise your arm there. Pivot. Keep breathing._

Most of the time, I was barely keeping up and was happy if I at least managed to deflect what he threw. He wasn’t using his full strength and most of the bruises came from me hitting the mat too hard or when I was careless. Seeing Erik train with T’Challa was a reminder of how much Erik held back when he was training with me.

Suddenly I felt brawny arms trap my arms to my sides. He had caught me in a bear hug from behind and I gasped as his arms tightened under my breasts and drew my body back against him.

“How do you get out of this?” he demanded and gave me another light squeeze.

It didn’t hurt, but he made the hold so that I wouldn’t get out of it unless I tried.

“Um…” I was trying to remember the move but was distracted by the broad body that was pressed against me. “Um….”

I could feel the hot puff of air as he breathed down my neck and clenched my hands into fists at my sides. A new sensation was creeping along my skin and I felt my body melt against him.

Why did I want to get out of it again?

There was a pause before Erik huffed out a short laugh. He titled his head to trace his lips along the shell of my ear.

“Maybe I should fuck you before we train,” he mused. “Keep you from getting distracted.”

I swallowed at his words.

“That still wouldn’t help,” I mumbled. “I wouldn’t be able to move.”

Sex and _then_ training with Erik? Hell, I probably wouldn’t survive.

He laughed and, to my surprise, let me go.

“3-minute break,” he said, and I blinked at him. “Then we’re going again.”

I sighed and moved towards my water bottle.

“We ain’t stopping till you get me down,” he said, and I turned to him, startled.

“I can’t do that!” I insisted, and he raised a brow. “You’re stronger than me!”

“That’s the point,” he said and crossed his arms. “This shit ain’t a game, ma. No one’s going to take it easy on you out there.”

  
I sipped slowly at my water as I eyed him. The muscles in his arms flexed when he uncrossed his arms and I wiped my cloth across my brow as I continued to look at him.

He was bigger than me, stronger than me and faster than me. How the hell was I supposed to overpower him?

Erik cocked his head as he looked at me.

“You gotta work with what you got,” he said, and I knew he was guessing what I was thinking. “If you know someone’s stronger than you, you gotta be smarter than them.”

I raised a brow at that and took another sip of water. Erik had years of combat training on his side. This really wasn’t helping my confidence.

Erik sighed and shook his head at me.

“Aight, look. When you’re dancing, what do you think about?”

I blinked at the random question and then frowned at him.

“I don’t think,” I said and shrugged. “I just…I kind of feel the motions as they come to me. Like I’m listening to a beat or music.”

 

“Fighting’s kind of the same,” he said and then motioned me forward. I guess my break was up.

That had not been three minutes, had it?

“You’re too busy thinking about what you should do,” he said. “Instead of what your opponent is doing. Think ahead of them. Everyone’s got a rhythm to them. Just figure it out.”

I furrowed my brows as I shifted into my stance and he did the same.

  
“Don’t think, ma. Find that rhythm. And when you find an opening, take it.”

“How will I know when it’s an opening?” I asked as we began to slowly circle each other.

“You’ll just know,” he said simply. And then he lunged.

We fell into the pace and I was just barely keeping up again. But slowly, I tried to remember what he told me.

 _Everyone has a rhythm_.

As I continued to dodge blows and shift my focus from trying to throw them back, I slowly picked up on Erik’s rhythm. He tended to favor his left side, leaving his right free. Whenever I shifted to toss a kick or punch, he would immediately adjust. It clicked then. In a way, he was versatile, but I could start to lead him, to find the spots where I could swipe a hit. So I tried, this new theory.

When he swung left, I dodged right and threw a fist at his open side. He immediately blocked and that shifted his stance giving me a split-second opening where he was on the defensive. I feigned left and when he moved to block again, I immediately squatted to swing out my leg and knock him off his feet. Triumph flooded me and I took in his sprawled form with glee.

“Ha!” I cried, gazing down at him. “What now?”

Erik moved quickly and rolled to his knees, his hand shooting out to grab my ankle before I could pull away. My legs were jerked from beneath me and I fell down against the mat with a grunt.

Goddamn it.

“I told you,” Erik said as he moved effortlessly to his feet. “Don’t get distracted.”

 

I glared up at him, trying to catch my breath.

“I still knocked you down,” I said. He just smirked at me.

I stared up at him and then groaned as the realization hit me.

“You let me,” I said, narrowing my eyes at him.

“Didn’t let you do anything,” he said. “You just found your opening.”

  
“Ok, whatever,” I said and pushed myself up to a sitting position. “You still saw it coming.”

 

He shrugged, the smirk still on his face.

“I hate you,” I mumbled and fell back against the mat.

I thought about going to Nakia next time, but she’d likely be just as bad.

 


	16. Chapter 16

** Chapter 16 **

****

“You gonna have fun in London, Miss Shae?” Alana asked, lounging on my office couch.

 

“I’m going to try,” I said, reviewing my files. “Are you going to miss me while I’m gone?”

 

“Sure,” she said, and I smiled without looking up. “I was thinking of joining a ballet program in Chicago this summer. They got auditions opening up.”

 

I looked up then and grinned at her.

 

“That’d be amazing Alana,” I enthused. “I’m sure you’ll do great!”

 

She smiled at me before returning to her book.

 

“Miss Shae?”

 

I looked up to see Malik standing in the doorway.

 

“Hey, Malik,” I said and spotted Elle before she dashed into my room. “Hey, Elle.”

 

“Hi, Miss Shae,” she said and gave me a hug at my desk.

 

“Ay, Elle, don’t just come running in like that,” Malik scolded, and she pouted at him. He sighed. “Miss Shae, you’re going by my mom’s place later, right?”

 

I nodded and grinned as Elle wiggled onto my lap. Malik shook his head but didn’t bother scolding her this time.

 

“Do you mind riding home with Elle? I was working at the studio later tonight and mama was going to pick up Roland if I could find a way to get her home.”

 

“That’s fine,” I said and tugged lightly on one of her braids. “You wanna ride home with me, Elle?”

 

“Yeah!”

  
I grinned at Malik.

 

“Looks like we’re set,” I said, and he flashed me a grin.

 

“Aight thanks, Miss Shae,” he said and spared his sister a glance. “Be good, Elle.”

 

“I will,” she huffed, and he smirked at her before leaving.

 

“How come you’re going over Malik’s house?” Alana asked after he left.

 

“His mom is making a birthday cake for Erik,” I said, bouncing Elle lightly. She giggled. “She wants me to try the cake to make sure I like it.”

 

“Her cakes are always good,” Alana said and titled her head at me. “Can you get me a slice?”

 

“Sure,” I said, and she pumped her fist.

 

“Are you and E getting married?” Elle asked suddenly, and I gave her a startled look. “Mama thinks ya’ll will.”

 

Alana was smirking at me and I felt my face heat. I cleared my throat.

 

“Well, sweetie,” I said, ignoring the intent look Alana was giving me. “That’s a bit more complicated.”

 

“You guys love each other, right?” Alana pointed out. She was using her finger as a bookmark, obviously more interested in the conversation than her reading.

 

“Well, yes, but…”

 

“So, how’s it complicated?” she pressed, and I pursed my lips at her.

 

Kids were perceptive when they wanted to be. I didn't really know the answer to her question. The idea of marriage, well, I never really thought much about it before Erik. I mean, I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. And the idea of not being with him just didn’t compute in my brain. But there were so many other factors. He was a Prince, I wasn't even sure if he had thought about marriage and….

 

“Well my mama and daddy aren’t married,” Elle said, and we looked at her. She was scribbling on a notepad with one of my pens. “Does that mean they don’t love each other?”

 

Alana looked at me and then shook her head, before turning back to her book.

 

“Sometimes, love means different things to people,” I said, watching as Elle sketched out a few circles. “And then sometimes they just grow apart.” 

 

Some people say it’s because of love that they treat people a certain way. Others say it’s why they won’t leave a person who harms them. Love is a tricky thing.

  
Elle looked up at me.

 

“Are you and E going to grow apart?” she asked. Alana glanced at me again, but I smiled.

 

“I don’t think so,” I said, and Elle smiled at me. “He’s kind of stuck with me.”

 

They both laughed when I grinned at them. 

 

Every now and then, I got to talk to these girls about love. And I wanted to help them learn that they could have boundaries for what they tolerated and what they couldn’t. Just like I had established with Erik. And when you’re with someone who respects those boundaries, then you’re on your way to a healthy relationship. It took time and effort and it wasn’t perfect, but it was so worth it when both parties were committed to it.  It made you feel valued and loved and respected.

 

I may not know where my relationship with Erik would eventually end up, but I knew that I had been granted the chance of experience a love that I wouldn’t give up for anything.

 

______________________

 

“This is so good!”

I exclaimed the words as I took another bite of Ms. Lockey’s made-from-scratch chocolate cake. The chocolate was rich, and the cake was moist, a perfect combination.

It’d be perfect for Erik’s birthday cake and I smiled at her as I wiped a napkin across my mouth. She had offered me an extra slice, telling me that she wanted me to try it to make sure I would like it.

“And you’re sure you don’t want me to pay you anything to make it?” I asked.

Ms. Lockey smiled as she waved a hand, shaking her head.

“I won’t accept one cent. It’s nothing compared to everything you’ve done for me and my family. I just hope Mr. Stevens will like it.”

I grinned at her.

“Erik can be picky, but he recognizes good food when he tastes it. And this…” I said, and I motioned to my slice of cake with my fork, “is excellent.”

To my great fortune, Erik went out for the evening with a few of his friends. He dropped me and Elle off after work and I told him to stay out late and have fun. I could get a ride home from Nakia if it got too late, knowing she wouldn’t mind. He had agreed with no indication that he was suspicious that I was up to something, and I was gleeful that my plan was working perfectly.

Roland started crying from the other room and Ms. Lockey sighed and gave me an apologetic smile.

“Let me go check on him,” she said, and I nodded.

She left the room and I took another bite of the cake, humming appreciatively. 

Elle walked into the kitchen and smiled when she saw me, immediately coming to stand by my side. She peered at my plate and back at me.

“Can I have some?” she asked, batting her eyelashes at me.

I laughed softly and pursed my lips in thought.

“I dunno,” I said, sectioning off another piece, “would your mama say its ok?”

“Yeeess,” she drew out and I shook my head, smiling.

“Here,” I said and let her take a piece from my fork, “but just this one bite, ok?”

Elle made a noise of delight and she chewed and smiled.

“Can Daddy have some?” she asked.

I paused, my brows furrowed as I looked at her.

Reggie hadn’t been around for a while and everyone had guessed he’d finally moved on. Ms. Lockey said he had some family out of state that he had been staying with when she originally kicked him out.

It’s always tricky to talk about these issues with younger kids, especially ones who had been shielded from the worst of their parents.

“Well,” I said, carefully, “maybe your mama can save him a piece when she sees him.”

Elle cocked her head at me, her brows furrowed slightly.

“But he’s here now,” she said.

I stared at her, lowering the fork to the plate.

“What?” I asked, and she continued giving me a curious look.

“Daddy’s here,” she said and pointed towards the hallway. “He’s in the living room.”

If there was anything that had come from the last few years of my life, it was the lesson that in times of stress and danger, I needed to think quickly. I wasn’t born naturally to it, like say, Erik or Nakia, but I had gone through enough, had experienced enough to keep my head together.

As Elle peered down at my plate again, I had the time to process a few quick thoughts.

One, the only people here were me, Ms. Lockey, Roland and Elle. Not the best defense team.

Two, Reggie was dangerous and prone to violence. I wasn’t sure if that extended to his younger children, only ever hearing that Malik and Ms. Lockey were his primary targets. But Elle hadn’t seemed frightened at the mention of her father, so hopefully, he would leave her and Roland alone. It was still a risk, and in either case, she shouldn’t be in the room to witness whatever happened.

Three, I needed Erik. I knew better now, even with my recent lessons, that if I had time to alert him, I should. I could call the police but…well, I wasn’t really sure if I had the time explain, especially because technically, Reggie hadn’t done anything yet. Besides, Erik would come and wouldn’t waste time asking too many questions.

Finally, my window of opportunity to do anything was quickly closing. I wasn’t sure if Elle had told Reggie that I was here or not, and I hadn’t heard any noises that Ms. Lockey had confronted him, but the fact still remained that he likely wouldn’t be happy to see me.

Calmly, I rummaged through my purse and pulled out my phone and dialed Erik’s number. Elle was watching me curiously, her eyes darting between me and my slice of cake.

Sometimes, I longed for that innocence again.

I slid the cake towards her as the phone rang, figuring Ms. Lockey would forgive me if I spoiled Elle’s appetite with dessert, given the circumstances.

The phone only rang twice before he answered.

“Sup, princess?” he asked, and I could hear loud music in the background.

In different circumstances, I would feel bad about interrupting his night out.

 “Hey, um, so I just found out Reggie’s here,” I said quickly. “I’m not sure but…”

Elle was engrossed in eating the slice of cake, chocolate crumbs littering her mouth. She wasn’t picking up on my mood, too intent on finishing the slice.

 “Elle, I need you to…” 

I froze and glanced up, seeing Reggie stop as he spotted me sitting at the table in the kitchen. Elle wiped her mouth with her sleeve and beamed at him. So, he didn’t extend his abuse to her. Thank God for small miracles.

 “Daddy, Miss Shae gave me her slice of cake,” Elle said, and he flashed her a brief smile, before returning his gaze to me.

 “That’s nice of her,” Reggie said, his eyes cold as he looked at me. And for a brief second, I saw a look of frustration.

“Don’t start shit with him, Shae,” I heard Erik say. “Don’t matter if the kids are there, that nigga won’t care.” 

“Sure, Alisha,” I said, as Reggie eyed me. “I won’t do too much, since I know you like handling clean up.”

“Good girl,” Erik said, and I knew he got what I was telling him. “He got anything on him?”

I didn’t want him to know I was talking to Erik. I didn’t want him to feel threatened or trigger him to violence if I could help it.

“Hurry up,” Reggie snapped, and I let my eyes flicker across his form quickly.

“I don’t think there’s any supplies there,” I said. “But I haven’t really had the time to check. I do need to make sure the kids are out of the way though.”

“Shit,” Erik muttered. “Look, I’m coming, aight?

 “Hang up the phone,” Reggie commanded. “Now.”

“See you, Alisha,” I said and hung up the phone.

Reggie held out his hand to me. I stared at it, then back at him.

“Give it here,” he said, and I hesitated.  I didn’t want to cause a scene, not with Elle, who seemed to pick up on something, but couldn’t quite understand what. She was tilting her head at her father, a flicker of uncertainty on her face.

I smiled at her when she looked to me and reached out a hand to her. Reggie frowned but didn’t stop her from taking it. When I stood up, I handed him my phone and he slipped it into his pocket. He gestured for me to follow him out of the kitchen.

When we stepped into the living room, Ms. Lockey was sitting on the couch, her hands clenched in her lap. Her face was tense, but she smiled when Elle stepped into the room.

“Mama, Daddy came back,” Elle said, and Ms. Lockey smiled and nodded.

“I know, sweetie,” she said and then looked at me. “Miss Shae, would you mind taking her upstairs to take a nap with Roland? He was a bit fussy, but he’s down now.”

I glanced over at Reggie and he nodded towards the stairs. It seemed like I had permission then.

“Sure,” I said and tugged Elle towards the stairs with me.

When we went to go up the stairs, Ms. Lockey’s eyes darted towards Reggie’s side and back to me. I followed her gaze and felt my throat tighten at the sight of his gun clipped to his side. I could barely glimpse if not for the fact that when he moved, his jacket shifted slightly so I could see the butt of it. I quickly looked away and tugged Elle towards and up the stairs, my heart pounding. I wish I had kept my phone.

Roland was asleep on his mother’s bed, the television lightly playing in the corner. Elle hopped up on the bed to settle beside him and I took the moment to let out a shaky breath and try to collect myself.

_Don’t panic. Just calm down and breathe._

Erik knew, and he was on his way. Driving, he’d be here in no time, right?

“Elle,” I said gently, and she looked up at me. “Why don’t you stay up here and watch tv?”

Best to keep her distracted from whatever was happening downstairs.

“Ok,” she said and pointed to the dresser. “There’s the remote.”

I retrieved it quickly and flipped through the channels.

“Wait,” she said when the channel paused on Doc McStuffins. “I want to watch this.”

“Great,” I said. “Now stay up here with your brother, ok?”

She nodded, her eyes trained on the tv. Roland made a small noise next to her and shifted but didn’t wake.

“No matter what you hear,” I said.

“Don’t come out,” she finished, and I blinked at her.

Elle shrugged, and I watched as she turned back to her show.  

“Mama and Daddy have done this before and that’s what Malik told me to do,” she said and cocked her head as she smiled at the characters on the screen.

I gazed at her for a moment, my heart clenching. I couldn’t react to that properly, not right now.

So, I turned the volume of the television up, hoping that would help drown out whatever went on downstairs instead. Then, with a quick pat to her head, I turned and left the room.

___________

When I came back downstairs, the gun was now in Reggie’s hand. He motioned for me to step further into the room and I did, making sure to take a wide step around him.

 “Reggie,” Ms. Lockey tried, and he pointed his finger to her.

“Shut the fuck up. You don’t say one fucking thing,” he hissed, and she grew silent.

She still sat on the couch, while I stood in the middle of the living room, my hands loose at my sides. When I had tried to sit down, he shook his head and aimed his gun at me.

“Nuh uh. You stand the fuck up,” he had said, and I obeyed, raising my hands slightly.

I could feel the fear coursing through me, could feel it causing the adrenaline to pump through my veins.

Every choice we make has consequences. Some choices we make without thinking critically about them. Most of the time, those quick choices are made either because the consequences are too small for us to be bothered by or because we just don’t fully comprehend the consequences at all.

As Reggie began pacing, his gun now aimed at the floor, I had a fleeting feeling of hope in the fact that I could see that Reggie had the opportunity to think more carefully about the choice he was going to make.

Most of the time, when we’ve made our decision, we’re surer of ourselves, more determined to follow through. If we’re uncertain, still contemplating what may happen, we appear more nervous.

I watched Reggie, his tense posture, the way he rubbed a hand over the back of his neck, cursing under his breath, and I knew that Reggie hadn’t made his choice yet.

That meant, I might still have a chance. So, I pulled on all the skills of compartmentalization, all the times I learned to lock down what wasn’t important, so I could focus on what was. I locked down my fear, locked down the realization that my life was in danger.

“Reggie,” I said, keeping my voice calm. “You don’t have to do this.”

Reggie stopped his pacing and I saw the rage in his eyes as he looked at me. It gave me pause, not realizing how much this man really didn’t like me.

_Lock down what can’t help you._

“I came here,” Reggie said, still looking at me, “came here to get my son. The nigga owes me some shit.”

Ms. Lockey’s hand curled into fists in her lap, her gaze locked onto the gun that Reggie held loose in his hand.

“Got people talking shit to me, telling me I can’t even talk to my own son,” Reggie said and then laughed derisively. “Telling a father he can’t talk to his kid, you believe that?”

“This isn’t how things have to be,” I said and motioned towards the gun, keeping my hands low. “You can just put that down and we can talk.”

Reggie stared at me for a moment before huffing out a small laugh.

“Oh, see that wasn’t what you were saying last time,” he said and took a step forward. “Thought you wasn’t scared of men like me.”

He titled his head and his grip tightened on the gun.

“What did you call me?” he asked, and I gazed back at him, trying to ignore the pounding pulse in my throat. My body tensed when stopped in front of me and I could smell the alcohol on his breath.

I wasn’t sure how much he had to drink. I didn’t know if the alcohol would make this worse or better.

“What did you call me, bitch?” he asked, and I shook my head. He snorted and then aimed the gun at Ms. Lockey. She tensed, her eyes widening in fear and curled her hands tighter in her lap.

_You’re not supposed to engage. You’re not supposed to engage!_

But I had felt that twitch inside me. The one that didn’t like seeing helpless people threatened. The one that wouldn’t let me see other people get hurt.

I squared my shoulders and straightened to meet Reggie’s gaze.

“I said beating on your own kids makes you a coward,” I said, and he stared back at me, breathing heavily.

And then he hit me with his free hand, the blow hard enough that it knocked my glasses off and had me falling to me knees.

“Reggie!”

Ms. Lockey shifted to move, but he kept the gun pointed at her. She was still in danger, her eyes wide as she gazed at me. The look of fear and pleading reminded me of how Malik had looked, just like the last time he hit me.

Well shit. I thought I had turned away enough to avoid a direct hit, just like Nakia taught me. She had said that learning to take a blow was just as important to throwing one. But I could taste blood in my mouth and could already feel the swelling on my eye.

“Say it again, bitch,” he hissed as he stared down at me. “Call me that again.”

From this point, I could see the slight sway in his movements, a sign that he wasn’t as steady as I thought.

I was on my hands and knees and I shook my head slightly, breathing heavily as I tried to regain my composure.

_Lock it down. Don’t feel, don’t panic._

“You bitches always want to be disrespecting me, so go ahead. Call me that again.”

“Reggie, stop! Leave her alone,” Ms. Lockey said and stood. There was a mixture of fear and anger in her eyes. She was torn too, torn between trying to help someone and protect yourself. How could she not be, when she had her own children to protect right upstairs?

Reggie shook the gun at her, his face furious.

“Sit the fuck down, Steph,” he snarled. “I need to handle this bitch and if you say one more fucking word, I swear to God, “I’ll…”

_I’m so sorry, Erik. But I can’t let him._

“You think,” I said and Reggie stopped to look back at me. “You think that gun makes you strong.”

I could only hope Erik would forgive me, because I couldn’t watch him hurt her. Couldn’t watch Malik’s mother be taken when I could do something, or at the very least shield her from it.

I titled my head to look up at Reggie, peering at him with my good eye.

“But it doesn’t. It just shows how afraid you are,” I said and watched as his face twisted into fury. “And threatening her or Malik or any of these kids….”

I paused to let out a breath, resigning myself to my fate.

“It just makes you a coward,” I finished.

 _Please forgive me_.  

As soon as the words left my lips, he kicked me, his shoe connecting with my ribs and I fell to my side. I screamed at the pain and he kicked me again. I let out a ragged breath as I tried to roll away from, hoping to lessen the blow.

 “Got people talking shit to me,” he hissed and continued the blows. “For some nigga’s bitch. A nigga I ain’t even fucking met!”

What was the proper pain level to know the difference between breaking your ribs or just bruising them?

“Reggie, stop!”

Ms. Lockey was on him now, clawing at the hand that held the gun. It seemed she couldn’t stand seeing someone get hurt either and I silently thanked her for the reprieve. 

He turned from me to shove her, but I could see that his fingers weren’t near the trigger.

That _meant_ something.

It was harder to breath, and every move caused pain to rock through my body. I wasn’t used to being beaten, but my skills for shutting down what I didn’t need were coming in handy. I was trying to lock away the pain and my struggle to breathe, because I needed to try and survive.

As Reggie turned his fury on her, I gritted my teeth against the pain and pushed myself up, my eyes trained on the gun in his hand. For a split second, Ms. Lockey’s eyes met mine and I knew she saw my intent. Reggie began to turn back towards me, but Ms. Lockey shoved him, drawing his attention away.

“You son of a bitch,” Ms. Lockey hissed and went to slap at him. “Just mad cause now everyone knows you ain’t shit!”

Reggie snarled at her and hit her again, open palmed slaps that weren’t anything like what he’d done to me.

Damn. This dude must really hate me.

Ms. Lockey kept trying and threw a firm fist at him that finally connected with his jaw, hard enough to throw his head back. Reggie froze, more out of shock than pain.

Erik had told me that there was always a window, a brief second where you could get in over your opponent. You had to be aware enough to recognize it and quick enough to move before it closed.

When Reggie froze for that split second, I saw my window.

I was to my feet now and had moved towards them while they struggled. I lunged, wrapping both hands around his wrist and dug my nails in, digging into the flesh. Reggie jerked, his face finally turning towards me and I saw his free hand coming up to hit me again. But Ms. Lockey threw herself onto him, using that free arm to drag him down.

I wasn’t sure if it was surprise or his inebriation that had him off balance, but we fell to the ground, my hands still wrapped around his wrist.

“Get the fuck off me!”

Not ‘till I get that gun.

My adrenaline was pumping, pushing me past the pain. I saw his fingers twitch towards the trigger, and I reared his arm back to slam it down into the ground, hoping it would jostle the gun from his grip. Ms. Lockey was struggling to keep his other arm down and he snarled in rage.

Shit.

I wasn’t the only one who was running on adrenaline, and the alcohol was probably making his body looser.

He managed to yank his arm free from Ms. Lockey and before she could recover, he slammed his fist into her face. She screamed and fell back, and he swung his arm from her. I was still trying to slam the gun from him as he sat up, pushing me back slightly and I let out a yelp when he used his free hand to grab hold of the coils of my hair.

 “Let go, bitch,” he snarled and yanked, hard.

It caused a painful angle in my neck, but I didn’t let go. If he had tried to hit me instead, it would have worked, but hey, I wasn’t going to point out the flaws of his fighting strategy.

The gun was aimed at the ground, and my nails were still digging into his wrist but neither one of us let go. We were both on our knees now and his grip had my face close enough to his that I could confirm that he definitely had a lot to drink. I was struggling to keep his arm down, pushing all my energy in making sure that he couldn’t raise that fucking gun.

“I will snap your fucking neck if you don’t let go,” he said and twisted his grip, angling my neck until tears spilled out. I wasn’t sure if it was an empty threat or not, but it didn’t matter.

My window was closing and I was running out of options.

 _Do what you need to do, ma. Whatever you can use, use it_.

Erik’s instructions rang in my head and my eyes slid to Reggie’s cheek when he pulled my neck back further.

I tilted my head, as much as I still could, and sunk my teeth into his cheek.

He screamed as I bit down hard, hard enough that I felt blood in my mouth. I hoped he didn’t have any diseases because this would be a really shitty way to get infected.

The pain finally made him drop the gun and he threw me away from him.

“You fucking crazy bitch!”

I had a fleeting moment of triumph before Reggie dragged me back by my ankle and braced himself over me, too intent to follow his rage then follow the gun. Ms. Lockey had recovered, but she was moving slower and when she tried pulling him off me, he shoved her so hard that she hit the coffee table in front of the couch. She hit her side, but it stunned her enough that she had to brace herself. 

Another window.

Reggie had let go of my ankle when he had turned to shove her away from. With it now free, I pulled my leg back and kicked him squarely in the chest and the blow pushed him back, but not off me. The pain from my ribs made it harder for me to kick him as hard as I wanted to.

_Go for vulnerable spots._

I didn’t give him a chance to get back on me and I kicked him in the face. My aim was true, and my shoe connected square in his face and he screamed.

“My fucking nose!”

Huh. His nose wasn’t going to look the same again, now that it had been broken twice. I had expected him to move off me completely, but to my frustration, he just cocked his fist back and hit me in the face. It was a full blow and my head snapped to the side and I could definitely taste more blood in my mouth. I was disoriented but managed to weakly lift my hands to shield from his next hit.

“Get the fuck off her!”

The words rang out in the room and Reggie paused, glancing up. I was lying on my side and tilted my head up and blinked trying to make out the blurry figure in front of us. I already knew it wasn’t Erik.

Malik stood in entryway of the living room, the gun gripped tight in his hands. He must have picked it up from when we’d been too distracted in our struggles to notice him.

Malik’s stance was steady and he glared at his father, aiming the gun at him. The room had descended into silence and I could now hear Roland crying upstairs. But no other sound indicated that he or Elle had left the room or made their way down. It seemed that Elle truly had been trained to not leave the room under any circumstances. 

“I said get the fuck off her,” Malik hissed, when his father didn’t move.

Reggie’s eyes slid to the gun and he hesitated. Malik cocked the gun and that sound finally made him move off me, his hands raised as he stood up.

“Mama, get Miss Shae and come behind me,” Malik said.

Ms. Lockey pushed herself up, her eyes darting to her son and then to me. When I tried sitting up, pain laced through me and I gasped. Ms. Lockey’s eyes fell on me and she moved forward, reaching down to help me and we moved towards Malik.

I had to lean against the wall, Ms. Lockey supporting my other side. I could feel the blood dripping down my face, could slowly start to feel every sharp and aching pain in my body. Wasn’t shock supposed to be setting in to help numb all this?

“Son,” Reggie said, keeping his hands up, “you know you can’t pull that trigger.”

“Shut the fuck up!” Malik snapped the words at him, his aim still steady. “You always think you know me!”

I was blinking, realizing now that everything seemed slower and harder to focus on. When I started slumping back down to the ground, Ms. Lockey followed, still gripping me by my arm.

“Easy, Miss Shae,” she said gently. “Easy.”

As she sunk to her knees beside me, I tilted my head to study her face, taking in the swelling of her right eye and the busted lip. I was leaning against the wall, my arms dropped to my sides, feeling weak and in pain. But she looked like she was taking it like a champ, her eyes looking over me critically.

“Guess I’m not as used to this as you are,” I said, and she gave me a weak smile. I blinked at her slowly and she patted my cheek.

“I need you to stay awake,” she said, “you did real good.” 

“Give me the gun, Malik,” Reggie said, and Malik’s eyes narrowed. “You don’t want this problem, boy.”

Malik made a noise of disgust.

“You think you run shit,” he snapped, “you don’t run nothing!”

“You know I wasn’t gonna hurt your mama like that,” Reggie said and took a step forward. “She gets mouthy, we fight, but you know I don’t mean it.”

Malik didn’t respond, just kept aiming at him.

“You gonna kill me, Malik? Kill your own daddy?” Reggie asked and took another step forward.

Malik hesitated, the gun lowering slightly.

“Nah, see, you kill me and you gonna have a lot more trouble to deal with. They ain’t got no problem liking a kid like you up.”

Malik glanced over at me and his mother and I could finally see the shimmer of tears in his eyes. But it was the hardened resolve that made my stomach clench.

“Malik,” I said gently, painfully feeling each breath. “Don’t.”

“Nah, he wants to be a man now,” Reggie said. “So be a fucking man.”

Reggie was sensing his son’s hesitation and was becoming emboldened again. He stepped forward again and this time, Malik took a step back.

“I came here to get you,” Reggie said, “make things up, take you with me. But now I don’t know, seeing as I got a punk ass son.”

How could he be so stupid? Did he think insulting his son would help him?

Then I glanced back at Malik and I could see it. Malik’s hands were shaking slightly. Reggie knew how to push his son’s buttons, knew there was still a small boy who wanted his father’s approval.

“You give me that gun,” Reggie said, “and we’re square. I won’t do nothing. I’ll just leave.”

Ms. Lockey was focused on me, tapping my cheek every time my eyes drooped.

“He’s lying,” I said to Malik and he glanced over at me. “It’s misdirection, Malik. He knows you still want him to approve of you.”

I shook myself, trying to keep myself from blackness that was around the edges of my consciousness.

“You don’t need his approval Malik,” I said and blinked again, slowly. “Don’t let him manipulate you.”

Malik glanced at me and then back to his father. The gun was pointed at the floor now and he shifted slightly to one foot.

Reggie’s eyes narrowed as he spared me a glance.

“She don’t give a shit about you,” Reggie told him. “If I’m tough on you, it’s cause I know what this worlds like. I’m making sure you can handle it.”

Malik scowled at him, but the uncertainty was there.

“She don’t know the shit we’ve been through,” Reggie insisted. “Malik, you know the bitch can’t protect you.”

Reggie was almost to him now and I shifted, wincing as pain shot through me.

 “Malik,” Ms. Lockey said, and he shook his head at her slightly. She pressed her lips together and grew silent. She must have felt this was his decision to make.

It was so hard to keep my eyes open….so hard to focus….

 


	17. Chapter 17

** Chapter 17 **

Ms. Lockey shook me suddenly and I blinked, wincing at the pain that shot through me.

“Stay awake,” she said gently and I nodded my head slightly.

“Give me the gun, Malik,” Reggie said and reached out a hand.

“Don’t,” I said and Ms. Lockey squeezed my arm. I ignored her and tilted my head at Reggie.

I couldn’t remember why I was supposed to be careful about what I should say, but this whole situation was dragging on way too long. And there was something I was forgetting. Something important.

“You’re a fucking coward,” I told Reggie. “I’m not sure if you quite understand that since I have to keep saying it.”

Reggie stopped and finally turned his attention away from his son. Malik glanced over at me and Ms. Lockey squeezed my arm slightly.

“I’m real fucking tired of you, bitch,” Reggie said to me, “still need to teach you a fucking lesson.”

I looked at him and slowly raised my hand to flip him off.

We stared at one another and I had the distinct feeling that I was missing something important. Couldn’t remember what it was though.

“Bitch, I’m going to kill you,” Reggie said and I could see the murderous intent in his eyes.

Reggie had finally made his choice and if he managed to get the gun from Malik, we were all fucked.

“Nah, that ain’t gonna fucking happen.”

It was interesting how a familiar sound could completely transform how you were feeling.

I was barely clinging to consciousness, but the sound of Erik’s voice energized me enough to sit up straighter. I hadn’t noticed him, hadn’t noticed that he had stepped out of the hallway and into the living room, my gaze having been trained on Malik and Reggie in front of me.

We were all in the living room now, Reggie’s back to the staircase that led upstairs. The position had it that if Reggie wanted to leave he now had Malik and Erik to get through. No, there was also….

“Hey, Charlie,” I said, watching as Charlie stepped into the room and found a spot near the opposite wall. “Long time no see.”

Charlie cocked his head at me, his eyes sweeping over me.

“Shit, girl, he really fucked you up, huh?” he asked and I shrugged a shoulder and winced.

Damnit. Every time I moved something fucking hurt.

Charlie glanced over at Reggie, studying him for a moment before he smirked at returned his gaze to me.

“You fuck up his face like that?” he asked and I spared a glance at Reggie.

Huh.

I hadn’t realized I had bitten so hard, but there was a small gash on the side of his face. I guess I had messed him up a bit.

“Yeah,” I said. “I bit him.”

“Oh shit,” Charlie said and glanced over to Erik. “E, your girl don’t fucking play.”

I met Erik’s gaze and saw a flicker of pride in his eyes.

“You told me to think on my feet,” I said and lifted a hand to wave it weakly. “So I did.”

“Who the fuck are you?”

Reggie had apparently grown irritated with our conversation, but his eyes were trained on Erik.

Charlie shook his head and crossed his arms as he leaned against the wall.

“Nigga, I told you not to fuck with her,” he said and gestured towards me. “She’s E’s girl.”

Charlie smirked at him, but his eyes were cold. He nodded towards Erik.

“And he’s E.”

“What are you, his hype man?” I muttered and Charlie winked at me.

Reggie was sizing Erik up, his brows furrowed. Reggie may be bigger than him in the sense that he was taller, but anyone could see that Erik’s body was built for a fight, forged from training and skill.

Reggie seemed to think he could take him though.

“You need to tell your bitch to watch her mouth,” Reggie said to Erik. “Or she wouldn’t have gotten fucked up so bad.”

“Jesus Christ,” Charlie muttered. “This nigga really is dumb as fuck.” 

Erik was quiet. Too quiet. His face had slid into that neutral expression, but his eyes were dark with rage. Aside from the first words he spoken when he stepped into the room, he had remained silent. That was never good. If Erik was quiet, that meant he had gone to a whole other level of rage, one I had never seen him go to. I had no idea what he was planning on doing.

Erik moved and we all started, startled by his sudden movement. He merely stepped to me and Ms. Lockey moved to give him space to crouch in front of me.

Erik tilted my head gently, eyes sweeping over my face, carefully taking in every bruise and mark.

“Don’t worry, E,” Malik said and my eyes slid past Erik to look at him. “I got this.”

Erik didn’t answer, just let his fingers drift to press gently against a tender spot on my neck. I winced and a muscle in his jaw twitched.

“Malik, honey,” Ms. Lockey said, “we’re ok now, put the gun down.”

“He won’t stop,” Malik said, and I saw a few tears spill. “He ain’t ever gonna stop.”

He motioned with the gun in his hand and shifted so he could aim it straight again. Reggie stiffened but held his ground.

“Malik, please don’t do this,” Ms. Lockey pleaded. “Think of Elle and Roland upstairs.”

Malik shook the gun again and she tensed.

“I am,” he hissed. “If I smoke this nigga he won’t mess with you or us or anyone again.”

“It ain’t right what he’s done. But this isn’t either,” Ms. Lockey said and he turned away, trying to block out the sight of her tears. “He’s still your father.”

“I don’t give a shit about him! Just like he don’t give one about me!”

Reggie was watching him, his hands still clenched, but every once in a while, his eyes would dart to Charlie who was leaning casually against the doorway and Erik, who still knelt in front of me. Erik wasn’t paying him attention and I knew that was making him nervous.

Hell, it was making me nervous. I searched Erik’s gaze, but his face had closed off from me.

Shit. Shit.

“Would you do it?” Malik asked suddenly and wiped at his eyes and nose with one sleeve quickly. “Would you do it, E?”

Erik didn’t say anything for a moment, his eyes still assessing me. Then he shifted to turn his head to meet Malik’s gaze.

“Yeah,” he said, then slid his gaze to Reggie. “This nigga was a dead man as soon as he touched Shae.”

There had been no hesitation, no remorse in his voice and Malik straightened and squared his shoulders, seeming to secure himself in Erik’s response.

No. This wasn’t right. None of this was right. I knew of Erik’s kills, knew that the capability in him to still kill was there. But Malik…

“Erik, “I whispered, my voice pleading. “Please he can’t.”

Erik slid his gaze back to meet mine and all I could see was that quiet rage. I could see that darkness that was still inside him swelling to the surface and I knew, that if I didn’t convince him, that if Malik didn’t do it, he would.

I could only hope that his love for me, the very love that caused him to feel such rage, would be just as strong to help him see reason.

I reached up my hand to cup the side of his face, feeling tears well in my eyes as I looked at him pleadingly.

Erik’s brows furrowed, but he didn’t look away.

“You can’t let him do this,” I said, and Erik just looked at me. “Please, you have to know he can’t do this.”

Malik was shifting his stance slightly and I saw it again, that resolve to do what he felt needed to be done. The only one who could stop him….

“He needs you on this. This doesn’t have to be his life. You know how hard it is, what it can do to a person.”

Erik’s jaw clenched, and his nostrils flared when he glanced away. I had glimpsed it though, could finally glimpse more than the rage.

“He doesn’t have to carry this with him. He just need one chance to make a better choice. You can’t save him but…”

I spared a glance at Malik, at young, brilliant Malik who only wanted to protect his family.

“Please, Erik. You can give him a chance to be better,” I whispered and titled Erik’s head to meet my gaze again. “Just like I gave you.”

Erik stared at me and I could see in those eyes that he made his decision.

“Goddamn it, Shae,” he hissed, and I gave him a watery smile.

I believed in Erik, had held onto the belief that he could be a better man. Erik wasn’t perfect, and I never expected him to be, but he hadn’t disappointed me.

I knew I was trying to be a pacifist in a dangerous situation. At the very least, I knew Erik would handle it. It was that dark part that I accepted was a part of him and tonight I had glimpsed how quickly we could all fall into it. But Malik, if I could keep him from going down that path, I wanted to try.

Erik stood and spared me a brief, furious glance. It may not be easy for him and I knew he didn’t want to do it, but the fact that he’d do it for me…. Well, that was enough to make me love him even more.

“Fuck this shit,” Erik muttered and glanced over at Reggie. “Nigga, you fucking lucky she’s a better person than me.”

Reggie glanced at him, then to me, his brows furrowed. Malik was looking at Erik and Erik quirked a brow at him.

“You ever kill someone before?” he asked him, and Malik hesitated, before shaking his head. “Nah, didn’t think so.”

He spared a glance at Charlie.

“When was your first?” he asked him, and Charlie tilted his head in thought.

“Shit man, I think seventeen,” Charlie said and then nodded. “Yeah, I was seventeen.”

“Fifteen,” Erik said, and Charlie nodded as if he was impressed.

Ms. Lockey glanced at me, her brows furrowed in confusion. I shook my head slightly.

I didn’t get what this had to do with anything either.

Erik titled his head at Malik, dark eyes studying him.

“You ready to let that nigga,” he said and nodded towards Reggie, “Follow you around that long?”

Malik frowned at him, the gun tilted down at the ground again.

“Whatchu mean?” he asked.

“Everyone remembers their first kill,” Erik said and tapped his head. “That’s some shit you don’t forget.”

Malik glanced over at his father and back to Erik.

“You kill him, that nigga gonna be in your head for the rest of your life,” Erik said and spared Reggie a disgusted glance. “Ain’t never gonna be able to escape him then.”

Erik returned his gaze to Malik.

“Don’t seem worth it, lil nigga,” he said and shook his head. “Got other ways to deal with this shit.”

Ok, so it’s not the way I’d tried to convince him, but everyone had their different perspectives. I think I kind of got his point though.

Malik was already tortured by a father who only seemed to want to abuse and use him. The idea of being trapped with the memory of his father, of knowing that his life was the first one he had taken….

Erik used a truth he carried with him. He told me once that he remembered every person he killed, and I had just gotten another glimpse to what the toll that must be on him. Erik spared me a glance and I gave him a small smile. He shook his head at me slightly and I knew he was still angry, that the rage was still there.   
  
One ethical problem at a time though.

Malik was staring at his father, his brows furrowed. No one said anything and even Reggie seemed to finally understand the gravity of the situation.

I stared at Malik, mentally urging him to make the right choice. He must have felt my gaze, because he lifted his to meet mine and I could see how young he was, how frightened.

Then his eyes drifted to Erik, who simply looked at him. Erik had done his part and it was up to Malik now to make his choice.

With a small shake of his head, he slowly offered the gun to Erik. Erik took it from him and with a small cry, Ms. Lockey stepped forward to wrap her arms around her son. He froze for a second and then hugged her back.

“Well that was anticlimactic,” Charlie muttered, and I shot him a look.

“Shut up, Charlie,” I muttered, and he snickered.

______________________

The night sky was beautiful.

It was a rich darkness, with only the moon shining through to light it. It was a full moon tonight and I blinked up at it slowly.

I was sitting in Erik’s car, seated so that my position was sideways, and I could keep my feet on the pavement. I leaned against the seat and my eyelids drooped slightly.

“Ay, stay awake, girl.”

I blinked and then squinted at Charlie who was crouched in front of me. Everyone kept saying that and although I knew the concern was that I had a concussion, I was still annoyed. All I wanted to do was sleep.

“Why are you here?” I asked, and Charlie gave me a fake hurt look.

“Here I thought you might have missed me,” he teased, and I rolled my eyes.  We were waiting for Erik, but I couldn’t remember….

Shit.

“Where’s Erik?” I said, and sat up straighter, trying not to wince at the pain.

Charlie studied me and then shook his head.

“Don’t worry about it,” he said, and I frowned at him. “He’s taking care of business.”

I had blacked out briefly, feeling the momentary reprieve when Malik finally handed off the gun to Erik. Next thing I knew, I was outside, staring up the sky.

Which meant….

“Erik wouldn’t,” I said, and Charlie arched a brow. “He wouldn’t kill Reggie. Not after he told Malik…”

Charlie shrugged.

“You can’t see yourself, ma. That nigga did a number on you. He may not have let lil’ man do it but…”

Charlie met my gaze and I blinked at the cold look in them.

“E ain’t gonna let him get away with what he did to you.” 

“I’m fine, “I insisted, and Charlie just looked at me. “Ok, I’m alive, that’s all that matters.”

Charlie didn’t say anything for a moment. Then he frowned.

“Why are you protecting that nigga? He beat the shit out of you.”

I shook my head.

“I’m not protecting Reggie,” I said. “I’m protecting Erik.”

Charlie gave me a confused look and I sighed.

“It’s easy, staying in that rage. And Erik, he’s better than that. But if someone provokes him to go too far, he can fall into that rage again.”

“Killmonger,” Charlie said, and I clenched my hands in my lap.

“I accept all parts of Erik,” I told him, “even that. But that doesn’t mean I won’t try and keep him from falling into that darkness again.”

“That darkness is what going to save you,” Charlie said, his eyes studying me. “How you think that nigga got so good at what he does? Ain’t from him being nice.”

“I know that, I get it,” I insisted, “But I’m just saying that Erik can do it another way. It doesn’t have to always be like this.”

We stared at one another and I knew Charlie didn’t’ really agree with me. He had only seen that one side of Erik and to him, that was the best one.

But I felt safe in saying I knew Erik better. He was more than a killer, more than a mercenary who knew how to hurt and manipulate to get what he wanted. And that same drive and skill could be forged into something else, something that wouldn’t take a toll on his soul.

“Where is he, Charlie?” I asked again after a moment of silence.

“I’m right here.”

We both turned to see Erik approaching, that tight look on his face. He was rubbing his knuckles lightly and I swallowed.

“Erik….”

“Nigga’s still alive,” he said, cutting me off. The irritation was still in his voice. “Charlie, need you to do something for me.”

Charlie had straightened from his crouch and cocked his head.

“Handle this shit, aight?” he asked. “I need to take care of Shae.”

“Yeah,” Charlie said and spared me a glance. “Thinking she might have fractured ribs at the most. Looks like she can’t stay awake too long either.”

Oh, is that why it was excruciating to breathe? I couldn’t really focus on them anymore and felt my lids dropping. Their voices sounded far away, and I was trying to stay conscious.

_“Take a few hours at the most. Already on their way...”_

As the darkness finally swallowed me, that last thing I remember was falling into strong arms as I slumped forward.

_____________________________

Details came to me slowly and I felt that I had been in this place before. I turned around and my eyes swept the room, taking in the rows of chair and a casket that sat on a pedestal at the end of the aisle.

_Where am I?_

I knew this place. It was the viewing room of the Corbal Funeral Home. And the casket that sat on the pedestal looked just like my momma’s casket.

“No,” I whispered, and turned to find that there was no exit. “No!”

“Stop fussing, Shae. You know I hate it when you make a fuss.”

I turned to find my Aunt Melba looking at me, dressed in the black skirt suit she had worn to my mother’s funeral.

Why was I here? What was going on?

“Melba, today’s not the time for this.”

My Aunt Ria’s voice was gentler and I turned to see her standing on the opposite side of me. Her hair was cut short and pinned to the top of her head, a simple black dress and shawl completing her look.

She turned tired eyes to me.

“Come on, sweetie,” she said and held out a hand to me. “We need to say goodbye to your mama.”

“No,” I said and took a step back. I felt tears well in my eyes, my throat feeling tight.

“See? This is exactly why Kiera should have let me raise her.  She’s too sensitive, a bit touched.”   
I didn’t look at Aunt Melba, didn’t bother to react to her. She huffed and reached a hand out to grab my arm.

 

“No!”

  
I jerked back from her, but she moved quickly, more quickly than she should have and grabbed my arm, my Aunt Ria grabbing the other.

 

“Stop this nonsense, Shae,” Aunt Melba said, and they began to drag me towards the coffin. “Acting like this, no wonder you haven’t found a good man yet.”

“Please,” I sobbed, “please, I don’t want to see this. I don’t want to remember her like this!”

“It’s all right, sweetheart,” my Aunt Ria said, even as she pulled me. “It’s all right.”

“No!”

  
I struggled against them, still crying and could feel a panic attack coming. It was a struggle to keep crying and trying to breathe at the same time and I sunk to my knees.

 

“See? Look at her, she’s having a fit,” Aunt Melba snapped.

 

I turned pleading eyes to my Aunt Ria. She had always liked me, had always been nicer to me.

 

“I-I can’t…my momma…. please, Aunt Ria,” I pleaded, but she kept her grip firm. 

 

“Hush, child, come on,” she said, and they kept pulling me.

 

“Gonna end up like her,” Aunt Melba muttered. “Alone, shamed and with a touched child.”

 

She hadn’t been this cruel that day. Passive aggressive, but not this cruel.

 

They finally dragged me to the end of the aisle, my mother’s coffin looming in front of me. The lid was open, but I couldn’t see inside.

 

“Well,” Aunt Melba said,” say goodbye to your mama.”

 

I shook my head and wrapped my arms around myself. I was hyperventilating now, tears still streaming down my cheeks.

 

Had I been this bad at the funeral? I couldn’t remember.

 

All I could remember was the pain. And the loss. My momma had been my whole world. She wouldn't have let them do this. She would have defended me.

 

“Ria, help me get her. Should’ve known she’d act a damn fool.”

 

I panicked when they reached for me again, but they moved quickly as one, grabbing both of my arms again and lifted me to my feet.

 

I could see her now, my beautiful mother, a shell of her former self, just as she had been that day.

 

“No,” I sobbed and turned my head away from the sight. “Mama, I’m so sorry!”

 

“You left her alone, Shae,” Aunt Melba said, and I shook my head. “Left her alone and now look at her.”

 

“I’m sorry,” I said again, my eyes involuntarily returning to the sight in front of me. She looked so frail and weak. “I’m so sorry.”

 

“You keep trying to fix broken people,” Aunt Ria said, “but you can’t fix Kiera. She’s gone, honey.”

 

 _Wake up_.

 

“And it’s all your fault,” they both said. I felt the pain of their words in my heart and I let out another sob.

 

I hadn’t been there when she’d gotten sick, hadn’t made it home in time to take care of her. My mama had done well to hide it from me. I had been so stupid and selfish to not have seen how weak she was. It didn’t matter that I had been in school.

  
“Should have come home, Shae,” Aunt Melba said, “should have known better.”

 

“I know,” I whispered as I gazed down at my mother’s face. “I’m so sorry.” 

 

“Well, don’t worry, child,” Aunt Melba sighed. “You’ll see her in a minute.”

 

And then she pushed me forward and I fell into the casket, the lid slamming shut behind me. My mother’s body was gone and I was alone, screaming as I tried to get out. Panic filled me as I scratched at the lid, begging for someone, anyone to please help me.

 

 _“Be still, *_ _umntwana.”_

I froze at the voice, still crying quietly and hyperventilating. When I stopped struggling, the lid swung open and I sat up.

A woman, her skin as dark as ebony, was dressed in a shimmering purple tunic dress and sat in one of the chairs. Her legs were crossed, one hand propping up her chin as her emerald green eyes looked at me. I slipped out of the coffin and sunk to the floor, still shaken. She watched as I drew my legs to my chest.

_You are an odd one._

The voice was in my head and I swallowed as I stared at her. She was beautiful, the wild coils of her hair untamed as they sat upon her head like a crown. She wore no jewelry and her feet were bare.

 

“Who are you?” I whispered, as I wiped at my face and it was only then that I realized I wasn’t wearing glasses.

 

_“You do not recognize me? You have called upon my name before.”_

I stared at her in confusion and her full lips curved into a smile. She rose with a fluid grace and with a light stretch and turn of her body, the dress lifted to shimmer and billow around her. As it melted away, a black panther stepped forward, tail swishing lazily behind her.

 

“Bast,” I whispered in awe and she inclined her head. I had dropped my arms from around my legs but didn’t stand up. “Am I dreaming?”

 

 _“If that makes you comfortable_.”

 

I swept my eyes around the room again.

 

“No, not a dream,” I said and shuddered. “A nightmare.”

 

_“A memory,” she corrected lightly. “One that you seem incapable of escaping from.”_

I shifted under that emerald gaze and dropped my hands into my lap. I was wearing the buttoned black dress I had worn at my mother’s funeral. I knew I didn’t have that dress anymore, hadn’t been able to look at it after that day.

 

_“You mortals are so curious. I have seen how much you have helped N’Jadaka heal from the pain of his past and yet, you seem to be trapped within your own.”_

Her words had a casual tone to them. I didn’t know what to say to that at first, so I twisted my hands in my lap instead. Finally, I lifted my gaze to look at her again.

 

“Why am I here?” I asked softly.

 

_“It seems that in your broken state, this is where your mind returned to.”_

“My broken state?” I asked, confused. Her tail twitched, and I could suddenly remember what had happened before I lost consciousness.

 

“Am I dead?” I whispered, as the memories of pain and blood filtered through my mind.

 

_“No.”_

 

It was a simple response and I blinked at her. She didn’t elaborate, those eyes watching me carefully. They were deep, and I tilted my gaze down slightly, so I wasn’t looking directly at them.

 

“Then, um, not to be disrespectful or anything. But why are you here?”

 

Her whiskers twitched, and I got the impression she was smiling in her feline form.

 

_“N’Jadaka has insisted that I bring you to him. He has done well, so I shall do this favor for him.”_

I stared at her, astonished and she rose, stretching her limbs again and turned from me. With a flick of her tail, I understood that I was to follow. I rose to my feet slowly and trailed after her graceful form.

 

_“I must say, you followed my directions well,” she mused. “I told you to help N’Jadaka and you have done that. This has pleased me.”_

She stopped in front of a door that hadn’t been there before. She sat next to it and lifted that large head to gaze at me. I glanced at the door, that internal understanding that I was to go through clear. Then, hesitantly, I glanced over my shoulder to the casket. I gazed at it for a few seconds before turning to look back at her. 

“You think I’m trapped in this memory?” I asked her, and she inclined her head. “What do you mean?”

 

Bast gazed at me, her dark coat shimmering slightly. 

 

_“You have a kind heart. And you feel you must endure in your kindness because the world has been cruel. Even if it means risking your own life. There are many reasons for this. Perhaps the loss of a loving mother, the guilt of your absence, the unwillingness to accept that no matter what you do, your actions cannot save everyone. This memory clings to you and yet you seem unwilling to learn from it.”_

I wish I hadn’t asked. Her words weren’t scolding, but matter-of-fact and made me grimace. I heard her laugh in my head and it made my breath hitch.

 

_“It is time, umntwana,” she said and motioned to the door. “Return to N’Jadaka, for I believe you both need one another.”_

There was a hint of approval in her tone and it warmed me. I let out a breath and reached for the doorknob. I gave her one last lingering look, not willing to look behind me again and then turned the knob and stepped through.

______________

 

Translations

 

*umntwana – child


	18. Chapter 18

** Chapter 18  **

When I awoke, details came to me slowly. I realized I was lying in an extremely large and comfortable bed. It was way bigger than the one at home and there seemed to be heavy looking double doors that led outside the room.  It wasn’t a hospital room, not by a long shot, and I frowned in confusion.

I sat up slowly and when I managed to push my self into a sitting position, I realized that I wasn’t in pain. I remembered how painful it had been to breath, how every movement had been a struggle. I blinked a few times, taking in the blurry room and realized I didn’t have my glasses.  

Where the hell was I?

“Ay.”

I turned in surprise and found Erik standing in front of an open doorway that I hadn’t noticed on the other side of the room. He wore only a towel that hung low enough so that I could see that delicious v that led down. He was actively rubbing another towel through his dreads as he studied me. His skin still had the light dampness to it that showed he had just stepped out the shower and I took a second to appreciate the sight. It wasn’t the first thing I expected to see when waking up, but I wasn’t going to complain.

“You’re going to make your hair frizz if you dry it with that towel,” I said. “It’s better to use an old t-shirt.”

He raised a brow and then tossed the towel to an armchair and approached me.

“You talking like that,” he said and shook his head. “You must be blocking shit out.”

He had walked to my side of the bed and sat down next to me.

“I’m not,” I said softly. “I remember what happened.”

He reached up to touch my cheek gently and I tensed automatically. But when he pressed his finger lightly against my cheekbone, I felt no pain. But I could remember the blows, the pain that I had felt when they had landed across my face.

“How you feel?” he asked and traced his hand down to touch gently at my neck. The tender spot was gone.

“Fine,” I said, feeling his fingers drift over my collarbone. “Like it didn’t happen.”

Erik’s dark eyes met mine and I saw the flash of rage in them. I inhaled deeply and then let it out slowly.

“Where are we?” I asked, when he kept looking at me. “This doesn’t look like a hospital.”

I turned my gaze away, taking in the wooden paneling of the walls, the lush carpet, the heavy drapes along the window. I couldn’t make sense of blurry details without my glasses, but it felt like it an expensive hotel suite. I turned to look at him curiously. His lips lifted slightly, but a more serious look took over his expression.

“Don’t worry about that right now,” he said and tapped my forehead gently. “How you really feeling?”

I gazed at him for a moment, seeing his eyes search mine. I reached up to clasp his hand between mine and drew it into my lap. I let myself think for a moment, allowed that part of my mind to open to the events that had transpired.

“I was so afraid before you got there,” I started softly. “I was afraid for my life, yeah, but I was afraid that I wasn’t going to stop him. I had done that training with you and had tried fighting him off, but I could tell he had come wanting to hurt someone. It just turned out I was the best target for him.”

I rubbed my fingers lightly along his knuckles, letting the pads of my fingers dip into the indents between them. My eyes followed the path as my fingers moved.

“And then I saw Malik with that gun and I was afraid for him. Afraid he’d get trapped in that violent cycle. Afraid that he’d lose that part of him that just wanted to live free of the violence and torment his father brought into his home.”

I let my finger slide over the back of his hand and he didn’t stop me, aware that I needed the physical comfort.

“My fear was there, but all of a sudden, I just felt angry. Angry that Reggie could do that to his son, that he could threaten his children and their mother.” 

I was tracing an absent pattern, the memories playing through my mind.

“And it just made me angrier,” I continued, biting out the words. “I was angry at myself for not doing better and angry at him. I was trying to survive, but there was a part of me that…”

I trailed off and dropped my hands from his and curled my fingers into the bedding. Erik was still watching me, his expression neutral. He was keeping me from seeing what he was feeling, so that I could focus on my own emotions.

“I wanted to hurt him,” I said softly. “For a moment, I wanted to hurt him just like he hurt me, just like he wanted to hurt his family.”

I was breathing deeply, glaring past Erik at the doors to the room.

“I think,” I said and let out a slow breath. “I think if it hadn’t been for Malik, seeing him like that, I would have….”

I shifted to meet Erik’s neutral gaze again.

“I would have asked you to.”

The confession startled me and I immediately dropped my gaze, feeling tears of frustration well in my eyes.

“I hate it,” I whispered, feeling a few tears spill. “I hate that the thought crossed my mind. That for a second, I wanted to ask you to…”

“You didn’t though.”

Erik nudged my head up so I could meet his gaze.

“Bet you don’t think that counts for anything, huh?” he mused and I shook my head.  

I was crying quietly now and he wiped the tears away with his fingers.

“Always taking things out on yourself,” he said. “Like you ain’t supposed to feel the shit we all would feel.”

He studied me for a moment before giving me a wry smile.

“Wasn’t lying when I told that nigga you a better person than me, Shae,” he said and dropped his hand.

I reflexively wiped at my face and urged myself to calm down.

“That’s not true,” I said. “You’re a good person too, Erik.”

He just looked at me and I reached down to squeeze his hand.

“You are,” I insisted. “That’s the only reason that Reggie’s still alive.”

Erik grunted and looked away. I thought about that and vaguely remembered him rubbing his knuckles when he had stepped towards the car.

“He is still alive, isn’t he?” I asked, eyeing him. Erik had claimed he was, but I wanted to make sure I hadn’t imagined those words.

“Yeah.”

The word was admitted begrudgingly and his lips turned down into a frown. I sighed and patted his hand soothingly.

“Was he arrested?” I asked, trying to think of the alternative. “You asked Charlie to handle it, right? Was that what you meant?”

Erik turned back to look at me and I searched his eyes carefully.

“He handled it,” he finally said.

“Is that a yes?” I asked and he shrugged one shoulder. “Erik.”

“See, that right there?” he muttered and I blinked at him. “What you want me to tell you, Shae?”

“I don’t know,” I admitted after a moment. “That you didn’t do something too horrible, I guess?”

Reggie was still Malik’s father. And I knew whatever had happened to him would have an impact on Malik and his siblings in some way.

Erik squinted at me slightly before kissing his teeth.

“Nigga ain’t dead or in jail,” he said finally. “Just made sure he ain’t coming back.”

I stared at him and he gazed back me, unapologetic. I had been honest when I told Charlie that I accepted all parts of Erik, even if there were times I struggled with them. I had no idea how Erik had made sure of that or what Charlie would have done either. But at least he wasn’t dead.

 “I’m glad he’s not dead,” I said quietly. “I don’t want that on you or anyone else.”

“I would have,” Erik said. It was a matter of fact tone. “Still thinking about it.”

 “I know,” I said softly. “That’s why I feel bad for wanting to ask you to.”

If he had because I had asked him to, that would be on me too. And I wasn’t Erik. I don’t know if I could live with that.

We gazed at each other for a moment and then Erik smirked at me slightly. I furrowed my brows at him, not sure what to make of his expression.

“You do, don’t you?” he asked. “After everything he did, you feel guilty about wanting to get even.”

I knew I had every right to be vengeful and angry. And there was a part of me that was. I had fought as best as I could, but I had remembered every threat, every blow, the pain that had been the result. The thought of Reggie didn’t give me fear, it gave me anger.

And even then, there was just a part of me that hated that feeling of vengeful anger. I didn’t like the thought of having any type of feelings about Reggie, whether it be hatred, anger or resentment. It felt like I was giving too much to him, giving him some sort of power on how I felt.

“Yes,” I said finally. 

Erik shook his head at me and I knew he was having a moment when he didn’t get me. Yeah, sometimes I confused myself too.

“Where is he, though?” I asked.

Erik looked at me, the dark expression in his eyes again.

“I talked to him before,” he said and his voice was slightly cold. “Made sure the nigga understood this time he can’t come around. Charlie saw him out.”

My fingers flexed lightly in the bedding. He had already made it clear that he hadn’t killed him. I debated if I wanted him to elaborate. Erik watched me and I knew he was waiting too.

“You think he’ll listen?” I asked softly. “I mean, Charlie warned him last time.”

“Charlie ain’t me,” he said simply. No elaboration, but I understood.

I had always said that Erik could give off that energy of ‘don’t fuck with me.’ And he was one of the few people who could follow through on that vibe.

 “You know, you’re really terrifying when you want to be,” I mumbled.

Erik quirked a brow and inclined his head.

“What you scared, baby girl?” he said and circled his hands around my wrist.

“No,” I said softly, feeling his fingers stroke the underside of my wrists. “Not for me.”

I never feared Erik would turn that wrath on me. But for anyone else who crossed Erik?

I shivered and his lips quirked slightly. It wasn’t a threatening gesture, but showed he knew what I was thinking.

I shifted to sit up straighter and leaned against the heavy headboard behind me. It too was made of wood and made up the sturdy framing for the four-poster bed. For now, I was ready to change the subject. And I had enough around me to help do that.

“For real, though,” I said and he titled his head at me. “Where am I?”

Erik smirked at me and I saw humor enter his eyes.

“What, you ain’t guessed yet?”

I frowned at him in confusion. He tsked at me.

“You had fractured ribs, bruising, a concussion,” he listed. “But you said you feel fine.”

He dropped my wrists and gave me a very pointed look.

“Where else could that happen?”

I felt the first prickling of shock and excitement and tugged my covers off. He shifted to allow me out of bed and I confirmed that the carpet was just as soft as it looked against my bare feet. My movements had elicited no pain and I felt the excitement grow.

“No, no way,” I said and rushed to the heavy drapes. “No fucking way.”

There was only one place that I knew which had the type of technology that could heal serious injuries in a matter of hours. I had read enough about the technology but had never experienced it firsthand.

There had already been a gap in the drapery and when I pushed it further to the side, my eyes immediately took in the bright lights of the night life below. It wasn’t an up-close view, but I could tell that our building was stories above and stationed in the center of a thriving city. I took in the futuristic buildings and hover crafts, like they had been plucked from an afro-future science fiction novel. Even in the middle of the night, it looked beautiful, blurry details and everything.

“Holy shit,” I whispered and I heard him chuckle behind me.

I felt Erik’s arms slide around my waist and he dropped his chin to rest against my shoulder.

“Welcome to Wakanda, princess.”

_________________________

Apparently, I had lost a few hours. When I had blacked out at the car, Erik made the decision to bring me to Wakanda so that I could receive the best medical treatment. All my injuries could have been treated in America, but the recovery time would have taken a few weeks at the most.

Shuri had been ready for us when we arrived, and I had been immediately carted off to a recovery suite in the royal palace. It was the same area that the Wakandan royal family or their guards were treated after an extensive mission. When my treatment had been completed, I had been taken to Erik’s room in his wing of the palace. He had a whole fucking wing, reserved just for him. And I had slept during the whole transition.

Wakanda was beautiful.

I had already known that from the pictures I had seen, and the stories Erik told me, but there was something about experiencing it yourself. I hadn’t even stepped outside of the palace, which was an architectural beauty in and of itself. I wondered how big the palace was and remembered that Erik had mentioned there was a huge library somewhere.

“Want me to show you around?” Erik asked as I kept gawking at the view below.

“Yes!” I blurted and then cleared my throat. “I mean, sure, yeah, whenever.”

He snickered and then turned me to face him.

“Aight, we can do that later,” he said and then his eyes drifted over me. “I got something else in mind.”

“Oh yeah?” I asked, licking my lips at the heat in his words. “Like what?”

He smirked at me, his thumb tracing my bottom lip lightly.

“Need to make sure you really good, ma,” he said.

“Oh, yeah that makes sense,” I said and felt his hands trail down my hips. “Probably should be really thorough.”

He hummed in agreement and leaned down to press a kiss to my lips. I slid my hands up to his shoulders and he reached down to cup my ass. A split second later, I was lifted into his arms and I wrapped my legs around his waist, while I continued kissing him eagerly. He moved forward towards the bed and dropped me down gently, settling me so that I sat on the end. He paused only to help me tug my gown over my head and then leant over me slightly for another kiss. He pulled away with a light nip, his hands sliding to my shoulders.

“Lay back,” he instructed.

His hands helped urged me down until I laid flat on my back, my legs still hanging over the end of the bed. He shifted above me and captured me with soft lips again, tongue stroking along my own. I combed my fingers through his still slightly damp dreads to cup the back of his head. His hands drifted up to cup my breasts, squeezing lightly. I groaned as he kneaded them, his thumbs circling the hardened peaks. He dropped his head to trace his tongue around a hardened nipple and I arched my back as he finally wrapped his lips around it to suck.

“Oh,” I gasped as he pressed his face into my cleavage, my own fingers stroking along the scars of his shoulders. I jumped at the feel of teeth scraping across my nipple and glanced down as his gaze met mine. My pussy throbbed at the look in them.

He lifted his head to drag his tongue across to my other breast, tracing his tongue along my skin before latching on to the neglected nipple. I let the sensations wash over me, hearing him suck at the sensitive flesh, his fingers still kneading and squeezing firmly.

“Erik,” I said, breathing his name in a gasp.

I pushed myself up slightly and he held my gaze as he sunk his teeth into the swell of my breast. The pain made me gasp, but I felt the wetness of arousal between my legs grow.

“Maybe,” I said, watching as he soothed the mark with his tongue. “Maybe you should check further down.”

He smirked, the gold canines flashing at me.

“Yeah?” he asked, his hands circling my breasts again.

“We want to be thorough, right?” I prompted and he huffed out a small laugh.

He rocked back on his knees on the bed and it was only then that I realized he had lost his towel.  His dick was hard and straining against his chiseled stomach and his brown skin seemed to almost glow.

God, he was beautiful.

My original request fled from my mind at the sight of him and I pushed myself up so I could press a kiss against his stomach. I let my tongue trace a keloid scar above his belly button, feeling the muscles twitch. I stroked my hand down and wrapped it around his hardened length. His dick was warm in my hand, throbbing slightly as I squeezed. I pumped him slowly, letting my finger stroke across the broad head, spreading its moisture around.

Erik pushed at me suddenly, urging back to my former position. I gave him a look of confusion.

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

 “Ain’t about me, ma,” he said and pushed more firmly. I was moved to lay flat on my back again and he shifted down and off the bed.

“But I want to,” I said, propping myself up on my elbows to look at him.

He shot me a look.

“Just shut up and let me eat this pussy.”

I felt my face heat at his words and bit my lip lightly. He slid his hands to grip my calves and pushed my legs up.

“Keep them open,” he commanded and I lifted my hands to replace his own. I drew my legs back further and the position left me open and exposed to him.

“This wet for me, huh?” he mused and stroked his fingers down my core. 

He lowered his head to press a few light kisses against my folds, before tracing lightly along the lips. He was tasting me, letting his tongue drag slowly up and down my slit. My clit throbbed, aching for his attention, but he ignored it, focusing on teasing me instead.

He used his fingers to spread my folds, then let his tongue trace lightly at the opening. I was getting wetter with each stroke of his tongue, the familiar tingles spreading along my body.

“Erik,” I moaned softly.

He nipped gently at the delicate flesh and then plunged his tongue inside.  I shivered as he stroked his tongue along my walls, curling the appendage deep to taste me. He pressed his face close to my core, slurping as he fed from me. The heated pleasure was spreading along my body and I began to rock my hips slightly. Erik had shifted his hands to stroke along my inner thighs, face buried between them.

“Fuck,” I gasped. “Oh my god!”

I dropped my head back, my fingers tightening into the skin of my calves. I pulled them back further, trying to help give him more access and thanking my flexibility. I felt him pull his face away to nip at the swollen lips lightly.

“You got any idea how good your pussy tastes?” he purred.

I groaned and closed my eyes. As if to make his point he dipped his tongue back inside, teasing along my sensitive inner walls, and my legs began to shake. My hips jumped when his tongue did a light circle around my clit, teasing it lightly as it throbbed underneath its hood.

“Fuck, Erik,” I gasped. One of his hands curved down to squeeze my ass and he tilted my hips up slightly.

The things he could do with that tongue. It was stroking in and out, twisting along the walls that attempted to clamp down.

“Tell me how it feels, baby girl.”

“A-ah. Oh, it feels so good.” I tilted my head to look at him and felt my stomach clench as my eyes met his dark ones. I watched as his full lips wrapped around my clit to suck.

“Oh fuck, yes…”

He hummed against me, the vibrations making my back arch as the pleasure finally crested and I let out a shriek. My body felt warm all over and my legs shook as he continued his assault on me.

“Fuck, you taste so fucking good, princess,” he muttered and dipped two fingers inside me. I cried out as the digits pressed deep, curling over the spot inside me that made my stomach clench.

“Can’t get enough,” he said, dropping small kisses along my inner thigh as he continued pumping his fingers. I had barely recovered and could still feel the sparks of pleasure tingling up my legs as he stroked along that wonderful spot inside me.

I made a sound of protest when he pulled his fingers from me, sliding his hands to grab my hips. He rose and dragged me upward, my body bending at an angle. He leant over me, pressing my legs to my chest, my legs spread as he dropped another deep kiss to my pussy. His tongue began thrusting deep and I reached my hands above my head, trying to grasp onto something, anything.

“Fuck. Oh yes, baby don’t stop,” I was babbling, watching as his jaw worked as he ate from me. I could see the wetness along his beard, his hands digging into my thighs as he lips and tongue assaulted me.

_So close. Right there…_

That dexterous tongue dragged up to stroke along my clit again and I came with a cry. My legs shook as he continued, lapping up my juices as I struggled to catch my breath.

“Erik,” I moaned, when he continued.  “Please, fuck…”

My words trailed into a moan when he circled his tongue around my clit and then licked back down and up again. He gave one final kiss and loosened his grip. I slid back down until my butt hit the bed and I laid there gasping and trembling.

He watched me recover with a look of smug male satisfaction on his face. He tilted his head at me as I blinked up at him. He licked my essence from his lips and I had to drop my head back against the bed at the erotic sight. He laughed and leaned down over me again, bracing himself above me.

“Whatchu need, baby girl?” he asked.

I paused at the question, studying him. Normally, he wouldn’t need to ask that question and I realized he was assessing my mood.

It was subtle, but it was almost as if he wanted to make sure I was still okay.

“I need you,” I said, holding his gaze. “Inside me, please?”

 “Whatever you want, princess.”

“I don’t want it gentle,” I said softly and he quirked a brow.

I wanted him to be rough, to mark my body with his own, to give me the only markings that I would accept. I needed more than just the pleasure tonight. Erik gave me one of his lingering looks, those dark eyes searching mine for permission.

“You sure?” he asked. “That’s what you want?”

 I think he was expecting a request for gentle treatment. That’s not what I wanted right now though. I wanted my body to be lost in the sensations of pleasure and pain, to rid me of the memories of what it had endured hours before. I wanted to be lost in the feel of him, so lost I couldn’t think of anything else.

“Yes,” I said and felt my breath hitch when his hands slid down my legs. “Please.”

He moved us up further onto the bed and settled on his knees between my legs. He lifted my legs and settled them on his shoulders and then bent over me, bracing himself on his hands above me. It had me in another deep stretch that I could feel in the back of my legs and hips. Looks like he was utilizing my flexibility tonight.

Erik held my gaze as he slid into me slowly, my wetness easing his passage. When he bottomed out inside me, my fingers curled into the sheets beneath me, my breath coming in small pants. He withdrew slowly, my walls gripping at him, still sensitive from my previous orgasms. He paused when just the head of him was still inside and then he surged back inside with a quick snap of his hips.

I cried out and he continued his pace, managing to withdraw slowly and then snap forward before completely pulling out. Each measured stroke ensured that I felt him as he moved and I threw my head back, moaning loudly. My back arched and with my legs over his shoulders, he pushed in deep, until his balls were flush against my ass.

“Erik,” I moaned, writhing underneath him.

“You like this, baby girl?” he grunted. He was picking up his pace now, withdrawing quicker before plunging back in just as fast.

“Yes,” I panted and then cried out when he plunged in again. “Please don’t stop.”

He huffed a small laugh, as if the thought was funny to him. He lowered his head down and captured a nipple in his mouth. All the while, my pussy fluttered around him, my wetness allowing him to slide in and out easily. He leaned down and bit on the swell of my unmarked breast and I let out a ragged cry, my hands reaching up to bury in his dreads. He growled around his mouthful and then moved faster, his strokes becoming quicker but just as deep.

It had me thrashing and he grabbed my wrists, pinning them to the bed. He switched over to my other breast, swirling his tongue around the nipple before biting down.

I was lost in the sensations, my body drawn tight, toes curling as the pleasure spread along my body. I was close and I rocked my hips up to meet his eagerly, willing myself to fall over the edge. Without lifting his head from my breast, he reached a hand between us and rolled my clit between his fingers.

I screamed his name as I came, the pleasures sending shockwaves through my body. And still he kept moving, his pace never faltering even as my walls squeezed him tight.

“Gripping my shit, ma,” he laughed lightly and slammed into me again.

I whimpered, still overly sensitive, my senses feeling overloaded. My body felt hot, the muscles in my stomach clenching again as he thrust against that sweet spot inside me. I was at the border of pleasure and pain and it’s just what I wanted.

“Erik, I’m gonna…”

I tried to warn him, but no sooner had the words left my mouth, that I was cresting again, falling into that blissful oblivion. There was a tension in the back of my legs now and they shook from their upright position. Erik eased up momentarily, allowing them to slide off his shoulders and to the bed. He slid out of me and leaned back on his heels, one hand squeezing lightly at the base of his shaft.

Dreads askew, brown skin glistening over hard muscles, he looked like a sex god from an erotic fantasy. He gazed down at me through lust filled eyes, his eyes sweeping over my trembling form. When his eyes finished their journey and returned to my face, his full lips curved up into a smirk.

“Roll over,” he commanded. “And arch that ass up for me, just how I like.”

It took me a second, but I managed to roll over and brace myself on my forearms. I curved myself into a deep arch, my ass lifted in the air.

“That’s it, princess,” he praised, and his hands stroked along my ass. “Just like that.”

He kneaded the flesh for a few seconds before landing a few hard smacks along the twin cheeks. It caused me to gasp and my pussy throbbed at each blow. He rubbed the stinging flesh and then I felt him line himself. I curled my fingers, my body aching for him again. Erik’s hands tightened on my waist and then he plunged deep, his dick stretching me all over again.

It wasn’t long before the sounds of slapping flesh and the heavy headboard crashing against the wall filled my ears. I clawed at the bedding, crying out my pleasure and trying to remember to draw breath when I could. My hips rocked back to meet him, my ass slapping against his thighs in a rhythmic motion. I came when his next thrust had him slamming straight on my spot and I buried my face in the bedding to muffle my screams.

A hand reached down and curled into the coils of my hair and tugged my head up.

 “Whatchu trying to be quiet for?” Erik growled. “You wanted this, baby girl.”

I couldn’t respond with any coherent sentence and could only moan in response. He huffed out a breath, almost a laugh and clapped a hand against my ass. I cried out and he did it again. He was hitting that spot and with a shriek I came again. He kept fucking me through my orgasm and I writhed and tugged myself forward.

_Too much, too much._

“Nah, don’t try that running shit,” he grunted. “Come here.”

He grabbed my forearms and drew me up until I was pressed flush to his chest. His hand moved to wrap loosely around my throat as he continued rock up into me. He titled my head and dragged his tongue across my erratic pulse before biting down hard. At the same time, he reached his other hand down to stroke along my clit and I peaked again.

“Erik,” I sobbed. “Oh my god, Erik!”

His fingers kept moving and I bucked against him, finally at my limit. His other hand tightened slightly on my neck, not quite squeezing, but reminding me that it was there.

“You gonna give me one more,” he grunted into my ear. I understood that it was a command and not a question.

“I can’t,” I wailed and tried to wiggle free. “I can’t.”

He slapped his hand against my throbbing clit and I squeaked in protest. His hand tightened on my throat, still not a threat, but the pressure was there.

“One more,” he growled. “You ain’t tapping out till you give me one more.”

He released me and I slumped forward. He held my ass up and pounded into me, ignoring my wails and pleas. My mind felt like it was on autopilot as my body took the sensual assault.

“There you go,” he groaned when he felt my pussy spasm around him. “Almost there, princess.”

He tilted my hips and when he slammed into me, my walls clamped down hard as I came. I couldn’t even scream, just opened my mouth in a soundless cry as my body went rigid. When I grew limp, all I could do was lay there, still gasping.

I whimpered when he pulled out and rolled me over. I looked up at him and I saw him stroking himself, using my essence to aid his movements.

“Open,” he commanded and I could hear the strain in his voice.

I weakly pushed myself up and parted my lips. Erik’s hand moved to cup the back of my head and he slid his throbbing dick inside my mouth. I barely had the time to taste myself on him before he began rocking his hips. I cupped his balls, massaging them as he fucked my face, coating me in saliva and cum. I didn’t have enough energy to do more than gently suck as he pumped into my mouth.

“So fucking beautiful,” he groaned, his fingers tightening in my hair. “Bout to cum all in that pretty mouth.”

I was breathing deeply, my jaw working as I looked up at him. I saw the ecstasy spread on his face and his balls grew tight in my palm. With a curse he threw his head back and filled my mouth and I swallowed down the hot thick streams as quickly as I could.

I continued sucking him gently as he calmed and watched the pleasure make his muscles twitch.

“Shit,” he hissed and then slid himself from my mouth.

I collapsed back against the bed and laid there, my eyelids fluttering. Erik shifted to lie down next to me and I managed to turn my face to look at him.

“My fault for asking you to be thorough,” I mumbled and he laughed. “You don’t half ass anything, do you?”

“Ain’t my style,” he said with a shrug and stroked his finger down my cheek. “You good, ma?”

My whole body felt sore and I could feel the still feel the lingering pain from the bites he left on me. I was exhausted and could feel the sweat on my skin drying with the cool air. Erik had fucked me just how I wanted him to and even pushed me to a new limit. It was my choice and the aches and pains were a result of my that decision of what I wanted to happen to my body. If I had really wanted him to, I knew what to say to make Erik stop. And I knew he would.

“Yeah,” I said and smiled at him. “I’m good.”

 

 


	19. Chapter 19

Chapter 19

The tall grass brushed lightly against my legs as I walked and I felt no sense of urgency or direction. I was wearing the light white gown I had woken up in before, my feet bare. The stars were shining down through the clearness of the night sky and I felt a mixture of both peace and wariness.

_“It seems you are the lost one now.”_

I paused in my absent-minded trek and turned. A black panther laid on the lower limb of a large tree, one that I had not noticed until now.

“Bast?” I asked and end of her tail twitched.

_“You always seemed surprised to see me.”_

“I’m sorry,” I said, not quite sure if it was annoyance in her voice. “I just thought that you only visited those who served and protected Wakanda.”

The sleek muscles underneath rich dark fur flexed as she stretched and then lowered her head onto her paws.

_“Mortals think that the gods work by their rules,” she sighed. “But I go where I wish to go.”_

I moved to sit cross legged on the ground in front of the tree and titled my head to look up at her. I didn’t meet her gaze full on and I felt her amusement flicker through me.

_“You think of me as a dream,” she mused._

“This is a dream,” I said softly and she inclined her head slightly.

_“And yet you have not told N’Jadaka about them.”_

It was an accusation and I ducked my head down.

“No,” I admitted, bringing my hands to my lap. “I didn’t think it was important.”

_“You dream of his goddess and do not think it is worth mentioning?”_

It was subtle, but there was just a bit more sharpness to her words, a gentle reprimand that had me looking up quickly.

“No,” I said, shaking my head. “It’s not that. I just…I wasn’t really raised in this culture and I’m still trying to work out my own beliefs. I mean, I respect Erik’s of course, but I don’t know.”

Emerald green eyes studied me and she didn’t respond.  I sighed.

“I feel like I don’t know as much as I thought,” I continued softly. “I studied and I work and I see the wonderful progress Erik has made. And now it seems, that he’s the one looking after me.”

Her tail was swaying lazily and she continued studying me.

“And I’m not saying I don’t believe what he told me about you. About meeting you and everything,” I said, sparing her eyes another quick glance. “I try not to be closed minded, but I still have the things that I believe.”

_“And what is it that you believe?”_

I paused at the question, thinking.

“I think,” I said, slowly. “I think that there’s more out there than I can understand. But I think there’s something or someone that’s looking over us. Or at least, knows we’re here. I just don’t know if they care as much as we think they do.”

Bast laughed and I smoothed my fingers down my legs as the sound rolled over me.

_“You say your words carefully,” she said, still laughing lightly. “And yet to manage to convey the same resentment and doubt as N’Jadaka.”_

I looked at her for a moment and then looked away without saying anything. She laughed again. I took a deep breath and let it out slowly.

_“And much more respectful,” she chuckled._

“That’s how my momma raised me,” I mumbled.

_“Ah yes,” she said. “Your mother.”_

Bast did another graceful stretch and then she leapt off her branch and landed in front of me. The movement was so quick I didn’t have a chance to pull away and when I started, she reached out a big paw to rest near my leg.

_“Be still,” she commanded._

I nodded, eyeing the dangerous looking paw that was so close to me. Dream or not, she was still a goddess in the form a deadly predator.

_“I come to you because you are needed,” she said._

I lifted my eyes to look into her feline face as she drew her paw back in front of her.

_“N’Jadaka continues to fight through the shadows of his past,” she told me. “It is something that will become easier to bear with time. Having you in his heart has eased his journey and will continue to do so as time goes on.”_

She shifted closer and I tensed but remembered her earlier command. 

_“And yet you remain locked by the memories of your own past, memories that you allow to shape who you are. Like the death of your mother.”_

I twisted the end of my gown in my lap and pressed my lips together. Her whiskers twitched.

_“Have I made you angry?” she mused. “Ah well, it is one of the few things that you mortals are quick to. Fear and anger. For such short life spans, you spend so much time on the past.”_

I didn’t say anything and just continued to look at her. She inclined her head at me slightly.

“ _You must move through your past, just as N’Jadaka must continue to move through his.”_

“I don’t understand,” I said and shook my head lightly. “How am I still stuck in my past?”

Bast’s tail twitched and then coiled around her.

_“Your mother.”_

I stared at her and tried to stamp down the feelings that crept up.

“How is remembering my mother a bad thing?” I finally asked.

 It felt like the most respectful question that I could say and I felt that flicker of amusement again. I had the feeling she had guessed or probably just knew the angry thoughts that filtered through my mind.

_“It is not her memories that you cling to,” she said simply. “But the guilt of her death.”_

“How do you know about that?” I demanded. “How could you possibly….”

 _“Careful, *umntwana_.”

The anger had risen and leaked out, but I could feel a pressure on the back of my mind, enough to make me gasp and drop my head. I took a few deep breaths, my head still lowered and the pressure finally ebbed.

_“Death leaves it mark on all of you. Each must confront this loss and decide whether they will allow it to shape them or destroy them.”_

I lifted my head hesitantly and found myself gazing directly into her large emerald eyes.

_“It appears you have settled between these choices and have become lost among them.”_

“What should I do then?” I asked softly, mesmerized by her gaze. “What do you want me to do?”

_“If you seek such answers, look to those around you,” she said. “You seem so eager to save N’Jadaka, but you have not thought to ask him to save you.”_

She pushed forward suddenly and I couldn’t help but to jerk back this time, startled. I fell backward and instead of hitting the ground I kept falling, dropping into darkness. I opened my mouth to scream, but no sound came out.

The last thing I could see was the emerald eyes gazing down at me.

_____________________

I woke with a start, sitting upright in bed, my heart pounding. I took in my surroundings and for a split second, I was confused. Then the memories of the previous night came back to me and I let out a sigh and flopped back down.

 _Wakanda._ _I still can’t believe I’m here._

I gazed up at the canopy above the bed and wondered where Erik was. I had awakened alone but wasn’t surprised that he had slipped out of bed without waking me. Even if I hadn’t been exhausted from our activities, Erik could move quietly when he wanted to.

The dream still resonated in my mind and I laid there for a moment, reflecting on the words that filtered through my mind. I had a lot more questions now and didn’t know how to answer them. I debated whether I wanted to fall back asleep or not. After a few minutes of tossing and turning, I decided I might as well get up.

I rolled onto my side and then pushed myself up into a sitting position. When I stretched slightly, I felt the familiar aches and pains and smiled to myself. I preferred the memories of those marks than the previous ones. I slid out of bed with a groan and let my toes wiggle in the soft carpet beneath me.

A robe had been thrown over the green armchair that was near what I now knew to be the bathroom. I grabbed it on my way inside and shut the door behind me.

I stopped as soon as I stepped inside and gaped at the beauty of the bathroom before me. It was wooden paneling in here too and a large garden tub that was built into the floor with curved sides. The glass shower had an overhead window that was allowing sunlight to filter down and I had my first confirmation that it was morning. There were two sinks situated in front of a long mirror and there was a ton of counter space. I spotted a pair of glasses near one of the sinks and went to inspect them. To my disappointment, there was a long scratch on the lenses and I sighed.

 _Note to self: make sure to get a new pair of glasses when I get home_.

As I continued taking in the rest of the bathroom, I noticed there was a smaller area that had a bench and a cabinet. When I walked closer I noticed a suitcase that sat on the end of the bench. Curious, I opened it and found that some of my clothes, body wash and hair products were inside. There were enough clothes to last me a few weeks.  I smiled, touched that Erik had obviously packed some essentials for me at least. He had also managed to grab all my favorites hair products.

I turned back around and went to the mirror and got my first glimpse at myself. I took in the marks along my neck, the light bruising and marks around my breasts and hips. There were no other markings on my face or anywhere else. All of the ones that my body sported were Erik’s and I found myself smiling again, feeling triumphant.

I turned back to my suitcase and pulled out my items for the shower and grabbed a fluffy white towel from the cabinet. Satisfied with my selections, I stepped to the shower and tested the controls. When I had found the right temperature, I stepped inside and let the hot water soak my hair and slide down my aching muscles. I closed my eyes and titled my head back against the pressure, the sunlight still bright behind my closed eyelids. I washed myself slowly, scrubbing lightly with a loofah I had found in my bag. When I rinsed off the soap, I let myself soak under the water a minute longer, marveling that the heat hadn’t dissipated.

I started at the feel of strong hands sliding along my stomach but relaxed at the feel of familiar scars pressing against my back. I hadn’t heard him come in, too entranced and relaxed under the heated pressure that gently beat along my body.

 I heard the sound of a cap opening and then I felt Erik’s fingers slip into my hair, gently massaging my scalp as he lathered the shampoo into my hair. He began to gently untangle with his fingers, working from the tips and up to the roots of my hair. Then he rinsed and repeated the step with conditioner. I kept my eyes closed throughout the process, settling into the intimacy of the moment. When he rinsed my hair again, I wiped the water from my eyes and saw him reach a hand up to turn the shower off.

“What about you?” I asked, blinking through the water that still clung to my eyelashes.

“Already took one,” he said and beckoned me to follow him out.

Erik passed me a t-shirt when I stepped out and I grinned at him. I used it to squeeze the excess water from my tightly sprung coils. While I did that, he wiped me down with a towel and then tucked it around me. I let my eyes sweep over his still wet form and when I lifted my gaze to meet his, he smirked at me.

“Later,” he promised. “Breakfasts here.”

As if prompted by his words, my stomach growled and he gave me an amused look.

“Okay,” I said, still wringing my hair lightly. “I guess I am hungry.”

________________________

I was actually famished in fact. So hungry that I only took a second to gape at the even larger room that was on the other side of those heavy oak doors. There was a large lounge section where couches were set in a semi-circle around a large screen. But it was the other side of the room that caught my attention. It had a sitting area with a sturdy looking wooden table and chairs. The table was lined with fresh fruit, seasoned meat, some type of porridge and slices of toast. I filled my plate eagerly and began eating with enthusiasm.

Erik worked on my hair as I ate, standing behind me, fingers working in a leave in conditioner into the sections of hair that he had parted.

“Aren’t you hungry?” I asked before taking a sip of green tea.

“Nah,” he said as he finished off another section. “Already ate.”

I hummed thoughtfully. Likely after completing his morning workout. No matter where he was, Erik had his routine and rising early was part of it.

When I finished my meal, he had already completed my hair. He handed me a mirror and I raised my brows at his work. He had cornrowed my hair into two side braids and tucked the ends into a neat bun with bobby pins.

“Oh it’s so good,” I praised and grinned up at him. “Thank you!”

I hopped up and pulled him in for a kiss. He drew me towards him and I wrapped my arms around his shoulders and he leant me against the table, bracing one hand against the smooth surface. I stroked my fingers through his beard, my tongue stroking along his own as he kissed me slowly.

A sudden beeping had me pulling away in confusion, my head turning to find the source. Erik continued kissing me, his lips tracing down the column of my neck. I titled my head down and noticed that the beads around his wrist were glowing and was the source of the sound.

“Um,” I said when he traced his lips along one of his marks on my neck. “I think that’s for you.”

I had seen his kimoyo beads before, though he tended to not use them as much in the States. Something about the effectiveness of the technology worked better in Wakanda, where they had their vibranium-based network system. At least I think that’s what he said.  

“Leave it,” he said, his hands sliding underneath my robe.

“It might be important,” I pointed out and felt his hands give my ass a squeeze. “You should at least check.”

Erik sighed and lifted his head to look at me. I smiled at him and then gave a pointed look at his still beeping beads.

With a roll of his eyes, he tapped a bead and it rolled out into his palm. Shuri’s face, no more like Shuri’s floating head, materialized. I blinked at her, but her annoyed gaze was trained on Erik’s face.

“Why did you take so long to answer,” she complained. “You kept me waiting.”

“Watch your tone, little girl,” he warned her and she scrunched her face. “Whatchu want?”

“Hi Shae,” Shuri said, ignoring his question. “How are you feeling?”

“I’m fine,” I said and smiled at her. “Thank you for everything.”

“It’s nothing,” she said dismissively. “Although a few of the guards are still recovering from cousin’s rampage.”

I turned to Erik, startled.  He was giving Shuri an annoyed look.

“What did you do?” I demanded.

“When you were under,” Shuri answered for him. “He took his frustration out on a few hesitant training partners.”

“Erik!”

“Tell me what the fuck you want or I’m hanging up,” Erik growled at Shuri. He purposely ignored the glare I sent him and I huffed, crossing my arms.

“Ok, ok,” she sighed. “Brother wants you to do a bit of research for him. There was an incident in Chicago and there is a man there that may be a part of the group that you were tracking earlier.”

That had peaked Erik’s interest and he straightened. I was curious too.

“Chicago?” I asked, furrowing my brows. “Isn’t that where T’Challa’s friend lives?”

“Yes,” Shuri said and grinned at me. “N’Jadaka, you should call him soon. He’s in one of his impatient moods.”

I shifted then and wrung my hands worriedly.

“Is this ok?” I asked and they both looked at me. “I mean, me being here. I don’t want you guys to get in trouble.”

The implications of my presence in Wakanda was catching up to me. Technically speaking, I wasn’t sure if I was allowed in, regardless of Erik’s royal status. Weren’t they waffling on the idea of bringing in outsiders?

They both gave me an identical mild look. It said they could care less if it was allowed or not.

“It’s a real concern,” I mumbled.

“Don’t worry, Shae,” Shuri said, giving me an amused look. “My brother won’t mind.”

“Wouldn’t give a fuck if he did,” Erik said and Shuri snickered.

“But still,” I insisted. “You guys could be committing treason or something if you went against him, right?”

They both burst into laughter and I scowled. Leave it to these two to think something like treason was humorous.

“That’s not funny!” I snapped and glared at them. “This is serious stuff! If T’Challa doesn’t know that you just smuggled me in…” 

“It’s ok, Shae,” Shuri said interrupting me. She was still chuckling lightly. “My brother knows you are here.”

“He...he does?” I asked and she nodded. “Oh, ok then.”

That was a relief.

“It’s not like you’re the first person we’ve ‘smuggled in’,” she said and used air quotes. “In fact, it’s my brother who tends to make a habit of it.”

I inclined my head, curious to who the others may have been.

“Well that would make sense,” I said. “He is the King, I suppose he can do what he wants.”

Erik spared me a look and I raised my brows innocently.

“And you too of course,” I added quickly. “I mean I’d never question your authority.”

Shuri smirked and Erik rolled his eyes.

“We done?” he asked her, and she nodded.

“I’ll send you the details,” she said. “They already have the man detained and are bringing him here for questioning.”

She paused for a moment and cocked her head.

“They may need you for that too,” she said, and Erik raised a brow.   


“He’s that type, huh?” Erik mused and smirked. “Aight.”

 

_What did that mean?_

  
I felt nosy listening to the exchange, but then again, they were talking right in front of me.

 

“Okoye and my brother are staying behind. He said he needed to finish up a few things before coming home. He’ll let you know when you talk to him later.”

 

“Round about way of doing shit,” he said. “Figured homegirl would at least come back.”

 

“Okoye was,” Shuri said and then grinned. “But both of them were invited to dinner and weren’t allowed to decline.”

 

Erik and I exchanged a confused glance and Shuri laughed.

 

“Oh, and one more thing,” Shuri said, ignoring the impatient look he shot her. “Mama wants to see you.”

 

She spared me a grin.

 

“And you too, Shae.”

 

_______________________________

 

“Relax, ma,” Erik said, watching as I frantically rummaged through my suitcase he had brought for me. “You look fine.”

 

“No, I'm not,” I cried and moaned when I only pulled out a pair of jeans. “Are jeans the only clothes you brought for me?”

 

He was lounging in the armchair in the bedroom and inclined his head at me.

 

“I was in a hurry,” he said dryly. “You lucky I brought anything.”

 

I turned to him frantically.

  
“I’m not saying I don’t appreciate it,” I said, zipping the suitcase closed. “I’m just saying that I cannot go to meet the Queen Mother dressed like this.”

 

“Why?”

 

The only dress he had brought me was my navy-blue summer dress and wedges. It didn’t feel formal enough for me. Erik was even worse, dressed in a simple pair of black draw string pants and a white tank top. He propped his chin on his fist and quirked a brow at my look.

 

“You stressing about stupid shit,” he said and I made my small squeaky noise.

 

He sighed and rose from his seat and came to me. He slipped his arms around my waist and drew me to him.

 

“Look, I’ll take you to get some clothes later, aight?” he said.

 

“But I need…”

 

“You want to keep her waiting?” he asked cutting me off. “Knowing you, you’ll take more time stressing about what to wear and just waste more time.”

 

I pursed my lips at him and he tapped the end of my nose.

 

“If she’s asking to see you, it’s a good thing,” he told me.

 

I rubbed lightly at the scars on his muscular biceps, searching his gaze. Shuri had said that they were cordial but there seemed to be effort on both their parts. I hadn’t asked Erik about it since I spoke to Shuri and I found myself curious for his perspective.

 

“Are you two…um, how do you guys….”

 

One of his knuckles was gently rubbing the upper part of my arm as he waited for me to settle on a proper question.

 

I nudged my glasses up the bridge of my nose and his lips quirked.

 

“Are you guys ok with each other?” I finally decided on.

 

It felt like a lame question, but it was the best I had. After all, she was the wife of the man that had killed his father. Aunt or not, I knew that probably had residual effects on both sides.

 

Erik shrugged.

“We’re fine.”

 

I blinked at the simple answer and searched his gaze. I rested my hands on his forearms and waited. He finally sighed.

 

“She don’t come for me or nothing. Not like she used to,” he admitted slowly. “And I get that most of the time she tries for T at least.”

  
He shrugged again.

 

“Sometimes I think she’s just curious. Maybe guilty? Hell, I don’t know,” he muttered.

 

Hmm. I guess his family was still a mystery to him as he was to them.  The fact that Erik cared enough, even in his own small way, was progress all on his own.

 

____________________

 

I eagerly took in the details of the passing scenery as I followed Erik to meet the Queen Mother. Wakandan markings were etched in columns and over entry ways and the sparkling, large windows of the palace allowed in the warm Wakandan sun. I kept pausing to peer outside, taking in the thick foliage of the jungle past the city and the different buildings that made up the city. And yes, those were definitely hover trains. Erik would allow my curious observations for a moment and then would gently tug me along with his hand that held mine.

 

As we passed, the royal staff and guards saluted him, and he returned the gesture with a nod of his head. The respect didn’t seem forced and I wondered how long that took, given the circumstances of how he had first arrived.  It was also heart-warming to see all of his hard work in making a place for himself, seemed at least by appearances, to be paying off.

 

“How come you don’t have a Dora watching over you?” I asked. “I mean, I get that when we were in Oakland you might not have one, but we’re in the palace, right?”

 

“Don’t want one,” he said with a shrug. His thumb was lightly rubbing the back of my hand. “Hate people following me around and shit.”

 

I grinned and shook my head.

 

“But they’re supposed to protect you, right?” I insisted.

 

“Do I look like I need protection, ma?” he asked and flashed his gold canines at me with a smirk. “Shit, they mostly likely be watching me.”

 

I opened my mouth and then closed it.

 

“That actually sounds more plausible,” I muttered, and he laughed. “So what’s the protocal?”

 

He inclined his head at me.

 

“Whatchu mean?”

 

I paused when I spotted a better glimpse of the marketplace and he sighed and stopped next to me. I was making the trek longer, but I couldn’t help it. For the first time, I was actually really eager for the shopping trip later, if not for the fact that I would finally get to see more of the city below.

 

I finally glanced up at him when he tugged my hand to get my attention. 

 

“I mean, what should I do, or say, or not say when I see her?” I asked. “Should I curtsy or do that salute thing that everyone does to you or should I not do it cause I’m not from here or…”

 

“Just be yourself, Shae,” Erik said, cutting off what would likely turned into a panicked rant.  “She’d respect that more than if you tried too hard.”

 

“Oh,” I said and let out a breath. “Ok, I think I can do that.”

 

Erik shook his head at me, lips quirked and then pulled me along with him. The Queen Mother’s children were wonderful people, so it would make sense that she would be too, right?

 

 

_____________________

Translations

*umntwana


	20. Chapter 20

** Chapter 20  **

 

The Queen Mother had her own garden that was stationed in her side of the wing. Erik told me that there were a few more gardens spread out around the palace with the largest having its own floor and hot springs. It was only accessible by those of the royal family and the royal gardeners who attended to it. I was realizing I could spend days just exploring what seemed to be a miniature city within the palace walls.

 

As the glass doors slid shut behind us, my eyes swept across the vine-wrapped columns, the separate flower beds of lilies, orchids and a few other flowers that I couldn’t name. Erik moved, and I followed after him, turning my head to take in everything that I could. There was a glass ceiling above us that allowed the beams of the sun to filter down and it warmed the exposed skin of my shoulders and upper back.

 

“N’Jadaka.”

 

I had been so busy looking around, I hadn’t realized we had reached our destination until I heard a feminine voice speak. I turned to find a woman sitting in one of the outdoor sofas chairs that were stationed on a slightly raised platform. The seating was setup in a semi-circle with the opening facing the rest of the garden. I could tell that the design had sought to provide the best view of the garden and I could imagine settling here with a good book, warmed by the sun and entranced by the natural beauty around me. In fact, I could see some books on the large circular table that was centered inside the semi-circle and hoped that meant that I had something in common with her.

 

Two Doras stood off and to the side and they saluted Erik as we drew closer to her. He acknowledged them with a nod and glanced at Queen Mother Ramonda.

 

“Sup, Auntie?” he asked casually. I squeezed his hand, even though I should be use to his flippant behavior.

 

To my surprise, Queen Mother just smirked at him. Her eyes flickered down to our joined hands and she returned her gaze to his face. He raised a brow at her, his eyes almost challenging and her smirk turned into a grin.

 

I hadn’t expected it, but it seemed that Queen Mother and Erik had developed their own nonverbal body language. Aside from the first greetings, they hadn’t spoken a word, but I had seen something pass between them. Queen Mother finally straightened in her seat and I noticed she had a book open in her lap. She was dressed in a yellow dashiki and white linen pants. Her long grey and white dreads were pulled into a loose ponytail and I was able to take in the regal beauty of her face. She smiled at me and I felt my face heat when I realized I had been staring.

 

I dropped Erik’s hand and wiped at my dress nervously. I felt like everyone was staring at me and I squared my shoulders, willing my nervousness to the side.

 

“Hello,” I said and felt triumphant when my voice was steady. “My name is Shaeya Anderson. Well, most people call me Shae. I mean you can call me Shae. Or Shaeya, if you prefer, I don’t mind which.”

 

I took a breath and let it out.

 

“Anyway,” I said and saw Erik smirking at me. “It’s very nice to meet you, Queen Mother.” 

 

She chuckled and then gestured to the seating.

 

“And you as well,” she said. “Please join me.”

 

She closed and placed her book on the table as we moved to sit. She turned curious eyes to me and did a quick sweep of my form.

 

“How are you feeling?” she asked as she resettled into her seat. “I was told you had quite a few injuries.”

 

“Oh, I feel fine, Queen Mother,” I said, waving my hand lightly.

 

“Please, Ramonda is fine,” she said, and I blinked, but nodded. “How did you come about your injuries?”

 

I hesitated, before folding my hands in my lap. I didn’t know why, but I felt as if I didn’t want to talk about the incident.

 

“It was just a bit of misunderstanding,” I said, and she raised a brow. “Wrong place, wrong time, type of thing.”

 

Erik made an almost disgruntled noise and I glanced at him. He had leaned back in his seat with his arms crossed, frowning at me. I shrugged one shoulder and he shook his head and looked away. I placed a hand on his knee and knew his irritation wasn’t at me. Not really at least.

 

“I was just trying to help,” I said, returning my gaze to Ramonda. “I just wasn’t as helpful as I thought I’d be.”

 

She was studying us and must have noticed our silent exchange. Her gaze went to Erik for a moment and he returned her gaze evenly. Her lips quirked and she looked at me again. It felt like there was more than one conversation happening and I was trying to keep up.

 

“You are not a fighter,” she said. It was more of an observation than a question.

 

“Not really,” I said and gave her a wry smile. “More of a punching bag I guess.”

 

“That ain’t funny.”

 

We both glanced at Erik again who was still frowning at me. My attempt at dark humor wasn’t well received. I sighed and drew my hands into my lap again.

 

“I would have to agree,” Ramonda murmured. “Why would you put yourself in such a position?”

 

 Another question that I was still working through.

 

“Because no one else would,” I said and shrugged slightly. “I couldn’t let someone else get hurt if I could stop it. Or least get in the way of it.”

 

Ramonda had dark brown eyes that studied me intently. There was a lot of questions in those eyes, but I could see a flicker of something else as she gazed at me.

 

“Am I in trouble?” I blurted. She had continued to study me without saying anything and it was making me nervous. “I hope I haven’t caused any trouble by being here.”

 

Ramonda laughed lightly and shook her head.

 

“No,” she said, waving a hand. “I believe your visit is long overdue. It is just unfortunate that you have come under such circumstances.”

 

I felt tension ebb from my body with relief. If she was fine with me being here than I felt I was in the clear.

 

“Told you,” Erik muttered, taping my shoulder lightly. “You worry too much.”

 

I pursed my lips at him and he nudged my chin gently. A sudden beeping on Erik’s wrist diverted our attention. He lifted his wrist to answer the call. This time, it was Ayo’s head that materialized in his palm.

 

“Your Grace,” she greeted. “The prisoner has arrived and has been prepared for questioning. His affiliates have been placed in their cells.”

 

She paused and spared me a glance. I waved at her and she inclined her head with a subtle smile.

 

“It has been confirmed that he is the leader of a small group that have may have had dealings with the group we are tracking. We believe he may have pertinent information.”

 

She paused and glanced at me again. I was getting curious to her reactions but stayed quiet.

 

“Preliminary attempts have proven…ineffective,” she said returning her gaze to Erik.

 

Erik raised a brow at that.

 

“T know that?” he asked.

 

“Kumkani is aware of his resistance,” she said simply. “He has asked that we request your presence.”

 

Oh. Now it made sense. Ayo was attempting to be discreet, aware that I was listening. I never pushed the subject, but I knew that requesting Erik’s presence was like calling in the last resort. If he showed up, it meant things weren’t going to go well for whoever he was aimed towards.

  
With an assurance he was on his way, Erik hung up the call.

 

“Shae is welcome to stay with me,” Ramonda said, when he rose from his seat. “I have been curious about meeting her for a time.”

 

I blinked at her and she inclined her head at me.

 

“Would you mind?” she asked.

 

“Oh,” I said and shook my head. “No, I don’t mind at all. I’ve actually wanted to meet you for a while too.”

 

She smiled at me and then turned to Erik.

 

“It is settled then. Attend to your duties, N’Jadaka. I will entertain Shae in your absence.”

 

Erik looked at me and I smiled at him. He cocked his head and then he leaned forward to press a kiss to my lips. He lingered before pulling away with a smirk. I could feel the heat on my face and glanced down at my lap, too embarrassed to look at Ramonda, who I knew was watching us intently.

 

“Be good, princess,” he said as he backed away and I scowled at him, my cheeks still warm.

 

He laughed and with a wink, left me alone with his aunt.

 

__________________

 

Ramonda graciously gave me time to force my embarrassment to abate before she addressed me again.

 

“N’Jadaka has told me you are a fan of literature,” she said, and I looked up to see her watching me with amusement in her eyes.

 

“Yes,” I said and shifted in my seat to face her more fully. “Ever since I was little, I’ve always preferred reading over doing anything else. It’s one of the things that Erik and I have in common.”

 

I smiled slightly, thinking of our home back in Oakland.

 

“He brought a ton of books with him back to our loft and I think he’s probably read every book we have.”

 

Ramonda hummed thoughtfully.

 

“You are very fond of him,” she observed. “And he of you. I have never seen him look at anyone the way he looks at you.”

 

I smoothed my hands over my lap and plucked lightly at the end of my dress.

 

“Erik is my first love,” I admitted. “I’ve had crushes before, but it’s nothing like this.”

 

“Love can be a very powerful thing,” Ramonda mused. “It makes one overlook the faults of those they love.”

 

It was my turn to study her, trying to discern the hidden meaning behind her words. She just looked back at me with a pleasantly neutral expression.

 

“I don’t think it’s overlooking them,” I said carefully. “I think it may be accepting those faults, just as they come to accept yours.”

 

She folded her hands in her lap as she continued to study me.

 

“You are aware of N’Jadaka’s past?” she asked.

 

“Yes,” I said with a nod. “And the roles other people played in it.”

 

The words left my mouth and I winced, remembering who I was speaking to. She raised a brow but didn’t look offended.

 

“And you have come to accept these faults?” she continued. “Despite the knowledge of the past?”

 

There was no challenge to her words, no accusations or judgments. It felt like she was genuinely curious to my responses. Had I felt any malice in her words, it would have made the situation one where I would find a way to excuse myself. But with her patient look, I found I wanted to answer her honestly. Perhaps in the process, I could help her relationship with Erik and give her a way to understand him more.

 

“There was a time, earlier in our relationship, that I had to come to terms with his past. It wasn’t easy and there are still times where we…have to talk about the things he’s done and some of the things that he still does.”

 

I paused, trying to piece my thoughts together as I reflected.

 

“I realize that a part of it, is that Erik’s witnessed more and endured more than I have. He’s gone through things that I can’t even imagine or know what it feels like. I don’t agree with the things that he’s done, but I know that he’s capable of being more than who he was.”

 

The room must be open to air outside, because a warm wind blew gently, ruffling the end of my dress lightly. It felt nice against my heated skin and brought the scent of the surrounding flowers with it.

 

“It’s taken me a bit, but I’m learning that as no one is perfect, that may also mean we carry around pieces of ourselves that we may not be able to get rid of. Maybe it’s because we haven’t learned how to or maybe it’s because we don’t want to. I’m thinking for Erik, it’s the latter sometimes. And I’ve learned to accept that because even though the past still lingers for him, he’s slowly learning to not let it control what he does or how he thinks about his future.”

 

“ _You must move through your past, just as N’Jadaka must continue to move through his.”_

 

The words whispered through my mind and I rubbed my arms. For a split second, I thought about asking Ramonda about Bast and my dream but thought better of it. There was still a lot about Wakandan culture that I didn’t know and I wasn’t sure if mentioning her goddess in such a manner would be disrespectful or not. If Ramonda noticed the look of uncertainty on my face, she didn’t comment.

 

“You have faith in him?” she asked after a brief pause.

 

“Yes,” I said, nodding. “Erik is capable of so much and I think taking control of his future is more than possible. So, we compromise because I know there are aspects of his duties where he has to use his…. skill set.”

 

She nodded and I knew she understood what I meant.

 

“N’Jadaka has shown a strong dedication to Wakanda,” she said. “My son has given him many opportunities to betray us and yet, he has not.”

 

She looked at me closely as she said the words and I nudged my glasses slightly.

 

“I believe I may be beginning to understand why,” she said and smiled at me.

 

“It’s not because of me,” I said, and she raised a brow.

 

“Oh no?” she questioned, still smiling slightly.

 

“No. It’s because he decided for himself. Everyone keeps thinking that I’m the one saving Erik or that I’m the one who’s caused him to change. But that’s not it.”

 

“You underestimate how important you are to him,” she countered. “Do you not think that he has made his decisions with you in mind?”

 

I hesitated at that and then shook my head firmly.

 

“I know Erik loves me,” I said. “And yes, I know that I’ve managed to change his mind on some things. But Erik is extremely stubborn, as I’m sure you know.”

  
She quirked her lips and nodded again.

 

“If he didn’t want to do something,” I pressed on. “If he decided this wasn’t the life he wanted or if he decided to return to the ways of his past, I think he would do it, even I didn’t want him to. I think that what he’s experienced has helped build his resolve in following through with his decisions, but he makes them himself.”

 

“And that does not frighten you?” she asked. “The thought of him returning to his old ways?”

 

I wondered if this was a fear that she had for herself. Did the Queen Mother worry that her nephew would set his sights on the throne again?

 

“Not really,” I said, and she blinked at me. “I decided that when I gave Erik another chance to be who he wanted to be, that I would trust in that decision. He hasn’t done anything that has shown me he’s decided to turn down that road again. It was hard at first and sometimes I get glimpses of the capability in him, but if it’s truly there he hides it from me well.”

 

I tapped a finger against my knee thoughtfully.

 

“I don’t know if it’s my love for him,” I said and smiled reassuringly at her. “But I’ve committed to trusting him. He may have parts of his older self in him, but the parts of who he is deciding he will be is much stronger. I see it at the Center when he’s holding meetings or working with the kids. I see it in how he interacts with Shuri and T’Challa.  I see it in how hard he works and how patient he’s become when it comes to my own problems.”

 

There was no desperation for being accepted, no weak attempts of trying to accommodate those he had wronged in the past. Erik accepted what he had done, even with the daily reminder that his scars gave him. But I had seen the determined look in his eyes and knew that his actions he took were for his own growth. Erik was carving out a part of his life that was his own and free from the vengeance and anger of the past.

 

“Erik’s making those choices of his own free will and doing it his way. That’s how I know it’s real for him. He may brood sometimes, and it still creeps up, but that’s part of who he is too. I think he’s learning to reconcile those parts to further his own growth.”

 

I quirked my lips at her slightly.

 

“And besides, if he did decide to go rogue again, I feel he’d make an announcement of it. At the very least, we can say we would see it coming.”

 

It was a dark joke, but to my relief, Ramonda laughed.

 

“Indeed,” she said and shook her head. “You should speak to Safia. The way you speak of N’Jadaka would surely warm her heart. They have spent much time together, working on his rehabilitation and she is quite fond of him.”

 

I smiled brightly at that and nodded eagerly.

 

“I would love to meet her,” I said enthusiastically. “Ever since Erik told me about her and some of the practices they used for therapy, I’ve been really interested.”

 

“I see,” she said and then rose with a smile. “Perhaps a visit is in order then.”

 

I blinked up at her in surprise.

 

“Now?” I asked.   
  
“Did you have other matters to attend to?” she quipped back, and I shook my head. “Well then, now seems as good a time as any.”  

 

__________________

 

I thought that I was going to be taken to the Wakandan Rehabilitation Center, where I knew from Erik’s stories that Safia spent most of her time. But Ramonda instead led me to the library I had been so eager to find.

 

I stood in the entryway of the library, literally gaping at the rows and columns of books. It went on and on and I couldn't tell how far in it was. It would take me years to read every book in here. I found myself grinning stupidly.

 

Ramonda chuckled and it snapped me out of my trance. I glanced at her and snapped my mouth shut. Even her Doras looked slightly amused by my reaction.

 

“Perhaps more than just a fan, then?” she teased, and I smiled bashfully.  “Come.”

 

I dutifully followed her inside, noting that there were a few people who were sitting at tables that were spread throughout the area. Here too there were windows that allowed in natural light and foliage in the form of potted plants. A woman was gently pruning one of the pants and I could see what looked to be a water can and gardening tools neatly sitting next to her.

 

“Safia,” Ramonda greeted warmly. “I thought I would find you here.”

 

The woman turned and rose to her feet after dusting off her pants lightly. Her dreads were pulled into a loose bun on top of her head and for the first time I noticed a satchel was strapped across her front.

 

“Queen Mother,” she said, clasping Ramonda’s hands in her own. “You look well.”

 

“As do you,” Ramonda replied and the women smiled at each other. “I have brought someone who is eager to meet you.”

 

“Oh?” Safia said and turned warm brown eyes to me.

 

“This is Shae,” Ramonda said and Safia smiled brightly.

 

“Hello,” I said and clasped my hands in front of me. It was better than having them fidget nervously. I was excited to meet her, but I didn’t want to come off as a spazz.

 

“Hello Shae,” Safia said and stepped towards me. “And how is our grace doing?”

 

 I found myself grinning at her.

 

“Same as ever,” I said and she chuckled.

 

“I see,” she said. “He was quite upset with the state in which you arrived here. It took quite a bit to convince him to calm down and return to you side.”

 

I blinked in surprise at that. I remembered him stepping out of the shower when I woke up and wondered if that’s where he had been returning from.

 

“Shuri said he had been taking out his frustrations on a reluctant training partners,” I said hesitantly.

 

“His grace, as you know, is very physical with his emotions,” Safia said. “He attempted to release his fury through combat and grew more frustrated at the lack of, what he claimed to be, adequate training partners.”

 

“I’m sure he wasn’t that eloquent about it,” I sighed and they both laughed.

 

Safia clasped her hand over mine, her smile warm as she gazed at me.  

 

“Come,” Safia said. “I feel there is much for us to discuss.”

 

She motioned me over to the plant she had been working on and I spared a glance at Ramonda. The Queen Mother smiled at me and nodded.

 

“There will be more opportunities for us to get to know one another,” she said.

 

I smiled at her, grateful that it seemed my first impression wasn’t off putting. I would be more than happy to talk with her again. She was kind, if a bit reserved, but I felt that I could grow to enjoy the Queen Mother’s company.

 

 With a nod to Safia, she turned and left with her Dora guards. Safia returned to her plant and began packing up her supplies.  I stooped to help her and she waved a hand.

 

“No need,” she said and smiled up at me. “Most of these remain here. I tend to get a bit distracted with my readings and like to speak with the plants from time to time.”

 

“Speak to them?” I asked, watching as she finished packing up her few items.

 

“Of course,” she said with a smile. “And if you are willing to listen, you will find that nature is eager to speak as well.”

 

I looked at her and she chuckled at my expression.

 

“Have you never been still with just the sun and wind? Have you never listened to the sound of rain or the crack of thunder? Felt the chill in the air after a morning snow?”

 

She waved a hand towards the plant.

 

“Nature is all around us, often eager to work with us and yet there are many who would rather trample on the earthen gifts that we are given until nothing is left.”

 

She shifted her satchel to a more comfortable position and inclined her head.

 

“If we learn to listen to the earth instead of just take from it, we may learn more about ourselves as well.”

 

_______________

 

Safia gave me a brief tour of the library and I eagerly followed after her, looking like a child that had stepped into a candy store. The books ranged from Wakandan scholars and authors, to titles that were from all over the world. There was a special section that housed the history and archives of the Wakandan Royal Family and required special access to be admitted.

 

I also learned that not only could you pick a physical book to read, but by using kimoyo beads, you could scan the inscription where the book was stationed and pull up and store a virtual copy for later reading as well. When you were ready to read, you could pick a table among the open area or select a smaller, more private room.

 

The room she led me to had a comfortable looking sofa, a coffee table and a few potted plants that were stationed in the corner. A large bay window looked out towards a beautiful view, with more foliage of the jungle than the city being visible. A large screen was against the wall and I learned that you could project screens summoned by kimoyo beads to make it larger if you wished.

 

“This place is amazing,” I said when I closed the door behind us. “I couldn’t even imagine what else is here.”

 

Safia settled into a plush armchair and then gestured across from her.

 

“I think you may have the chance to further your explorations,” she said, smiling at me.

 

“I don’t know,” I sighed. “I know my presence here was by accident and I have no idea how long we’ll stay.”

 

I slipped off my wedges so I could tuck my feet underneath me as I settled into my own arm chair.  

 

“Do you always get free range of the palace?” I asked curiously. “Like special VIP status?”  

  
Safia laughed lightly.

 

“I have worked with the royal family for many years, as have the members of my family. My visits have only become more often because of Prince N’Jadaka’s presence.”

 

She slipped off her satchel and settled it next to her and folded her hands in her lap.

 

“Now then,” she said and settled into her seat. “Tell me about yourself, Shae.”

 

I blinked and rubbed my hands on my knees.

 

“What do you want to know?” I asked. I was normally the one asking questions and listening. I actually preferred it that way.

 

“Why don’t you tell me about your dreams?”

 

I started, shocked at the question. How could she possibly know about my dreams? I had just met her and I never told Erik about the dreams, so I know he couldn’t have told her. Safia smiled at me gently.

 

“It is part of my practice, but I have been able to discern when the goddess has approached someone. It is a spirit that lingers on a person.”

 

She inclined her head at me.

 

“And she has visited you, has she not?” she asked.

 

I hesitated, still rubbing my knees and nodded.

 

“Do you wish to talk about it?” she prompted.

 

“No,” I said automatically and then stilled my hands. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that. I mean…”

 

“You are nervous,” Safia said patiently. “Tell me why.”

 

I plucked lightly at the ends of my dress that pooled in my lap.

 

“It’s just kind of weird for me, I guess,” I said. “I don’t understand really whether it’s a dream or not. Sometimes, I feel like my imagination is overactive. And sometimes, because of Erik, I think they may be real.”

 

“N’Jadaka has told you of his time here?” she asked and I nodded. “And he told you of the rituals that he must undertake?”

 

“Yes,” I said. “He told me how you work with him and sometimes that means he has visions of Bast.”

 

“And you do not believe those visions are real?” she asked. There was no accusations in her tone, but I paused anyway.

 

“I think,” I said and sighed. “I think I don’t really know. I come from a Christian background you see, but my mother was still open-minded about some things. I guess I am too, I just don’t know how much I am.”

 

She smiled at me, her warm brown eyes studying me.

 

“You are quite perceptive of yourself in some ways,” she said. “Although you often focus that perception on your shortcomings than your gifts.”

 

I blinked at her and she chuckled.

 

“N’Jadaka speaks highly of you and often. I think in a way, you are an inspiration to him.”

 

It felt like a familiar conversation, just like the one I had with the Queen Mother earlier.

 

“Erik doesn’t need me to be better,” I said. “I help, I guess, but he’s determined and strong enough to do it on his own.”

 

“Of course,” she said with a nod. “But that does not mean you haven’t provided him with another source of strength. We often put too much weight on independent achievement. It is important, but so are the ties we strive to build with one another. Such ties can help carry one through darker times, when your own strength fails. But many confuse loneliness with being alone and tell themselves they need no one to achieve their aims.”

 

I pondered on her words, my fingers still rubbing against the edge of my dress.

 

“Sometimes that’s all people have though,” I said. “And whether through time or loss, we all find ourselves alone and maybe even lonely. If we rely too much on people, we may lose a part of ourselves when they’re gone and may not be able to heal.”

 

“Ah, but there is much that can be gained in one’s growth by sharing an experience with another,” Safia said. “In some cases, certain people are lessons to us. In others, they are guides or sources of comfort. We must not blame others for the pain we suffer, even if we believe them to be the source, innocent or not. That pain can be healed on one’s own, if one allows it to be so. But it can be healed much quicker if they are with those who truly care for them.”

 

She was still studying me and I shifted slightly under her gaze.

 

“You were very close to your mother, were you not?” she asked. I hesitated and then nodded. “Her loss left a wound on your heart, did it not?”

 

Again, I paused before nodding. I could feel that my face had gone blank but I kept my composure. She was only asking general questions that most people asked me after all. But there was a weight to them that had my attention.

 

“Do you think that wound has healed?” she asked.

 

“Bast doesn’t think so,” I muttered and then my eyes widened. I glanced at Safia apologetically, but she just chuckled lightly.

 

“And what did the goddess say about it then?” she asked.

 

We had circled back around to her original question and I remembered Erik saying Safia could be persistent. Well, I had questions anyway and she seemed willing to hear them.

 

So I told Safia about my dreams, even the first one where she told me to help Erik when we went on ‘our break’. I told her about the other two dreams and how I sometimes spoke to the panther statute in our room, asking for her to protect Erik.

 

“Despite your uncertainty, you still reach out to her?” Safia asked when I finished.

 

I gave a weak smile and shrugged.

 

“I figured it wouldn’t hurt,” I admitted. “Erik said he believes in her and sometimes, I think that’s enough.”

 

“I see,” Safia mused. “I believe that your connection to N’Jadaka has caught her attention. Even more so because you seem willing to come to her for him. You and N’Jadaka are tied closely together.”

 

The words had me smiling despite myself, but I didn’t reply.

 

“You truly love him,” Safia said. “And I believe the goddess senses that.”

 

“Is that bad?” I asked, peering at her. “I mean, I’m not Wakandan or anything. Does it matter that I am an outsider?”

 

Safia inclined her head and raised a brow.

 

“Do you think such things would make a difference to N’Jadaka? He came to Wakanda with vengeance in his heart and put our nation into turmoil in just two days.”

 

Oh yeah. I guess him dating me would be the least offense if it was a problem.

 

“The goddess provided him with an opportunity because she sees that Wakanda will grow with his help and the leadership of King T’Challa. A part of that growth seems to come from building relationships with the other nations of the world.”

 

“So you agree with T’Challa’s initiatives?” I asked. “Erik said some people were still resistant to the idea of aiding and getting involved in international politics.”

 

Safia sighed.

 

“The way of the world will always be laden with strife and discord. But there is also opportunity for collaboration and peace as well. We must work to find that balance and I believe the King hopes that Wakanda shall help with that.”

 

“That still sounds like an observational opinion,” I pointed out lightly.

 

Safia’s lip quirked slightly and she gave me an amused look.

 

“I believe in the King’s judgment. I have lived in Wakanda all my life and have not had much interest in exploring outside of it. But I have also seen the flaws that are within my beloved country. If there is an opportunity to help others, perhaps there is also an opportunity for us to do better as well.”

 

“Maybe it’ll be a give and take,” I said. “Instead of Wakanda just giving without learning anything in the process.”

 

“Yes,” she said nodding. “We must not allow ourselves to be so arrogant that we believe that we can not learn from others.”

 

I found myself grinning, thinking of someone who had similar sentiments.

 

“You remind me of Nakia,” I said.

 

“Yes, I have spoken at certain times with Lady Nakia,” Safia said smiling. “And she has given me many recommendations on authors that help explore such ideas. I must admit, it was her eagerness that pushed me to actually seeking them out. I realized I was becoming a bit too settled in my old age.”

 

“Old?” I asked, incredulous. “You don’t look older than forty!”

 

Safia laughed an infectious laugh and I smiled.

 

I was going to go ahead and say that meeting Safia was definitely going to be one of my highlights during my stay in Wakanda. 


	21. Chapter 21

** Chapter 21  **

I spent the rest of the day with Safia. We spent most of the time in the library and she told me a bit more about the Rehabilitation Center and the practices they employed. I learned that the key to all of the practices was the patient’s choice. They must choose to undergo the work and commit to reforming themselves. It was not forced upon them and for those who refused, they were left to meet their punishments as demanded by Wakandan law.

We had settled down for lunch and Safia must have ordered when I had wandered the many aisles of the library. Lunch was grilled fish and seasonal vegetables, with a side of rice pilaf. I felt my mouth watering, remembering the delicious breakfast I had earlier.

Safia and I continued speaking in between bites.

“Do some people refuse treatment?” I asked.

“Yes,” Safia said. “And some cannot be given the choice.”

I sipped my water slowly, prompted by the heat of spices that had exploded across my tongue. The food was delicious, but I was slowly adjusting my spice tolerance.

“Why not?” I asked, when I returned my glass to the table. “I mean, Erik was, and he actually overthrew the monarch.”

Safia smiled at that.

“Prince N’Jadaka was a special circumstance,” she admitted. “Through both the King’s discretion and the Goddess intervention, he was allowed his chance.”

“Royal privilege?” I murmured to myself and smiled slightly. I’m sure he’d love to hear that.

“Perhaps,” Safia admitted and I raised my brows at her. “The Royal family is an important part of Wakanda’s survival.”

She didn’t elaborate more than that and returned to her meal. I didn’t miss the slight smirk on her lips though and realized she must have had a similar thought on Erik’s reaction.

“As for the others, some merely have too much pride or too much guilt to pursue a chance of redemption.”

The moments had stretched out long enough that it took me a second to remember what we had been talking about.

“There must be balance for there to be harmony,” Safia said. She wiped her mouth with a napkin and then placed it on the table. “How do you think this balance is restored?”

I glanced at her. “You mean when someone breaks the law?”

She nodded.

“Um…. the traditional view….”

She raised a brow.

“Sorry. The American view is that there are five philosophies to punishment. Retribution, incapacitation, deterrence, rehabilitation and restoration.”

I paused to finish my rice pilaf before continuing.

“In theory, if someone commits a crime, you punish them under one of those philosophies. Punish them in accordance to the type of crime they committed, lock them up so they can’t do it again, develop severe punishments to deter people from committing the crime in the first place or train them and educate them so to restore them to society.”

I set my fork down and took a sip of water.

“I’m guessing Wakanda goes for the last two.”

Safia hummed and lifted her own glass.

“Wakanda has its laws and we do seek justice for those who break them. We must to ensure that the people are protected.”

She sipped lightly at her water and then returned it to the table.

  
“But we cannot forget the humanity of those who have lost their path. More people can be helped then the world would have us believe.”

 

“Hope for a better world?” I asked, and she gave me a smile.

“You sound like our King,” she said.

“So I’ve been told,” I said and she chuckled.

“In Wakanda, we value honor and justice. We have pride in our traditions and the values that are instilled in us. But in this, we must also ensure that our system protects our people just as it helps our people. The balance is important and finding this balance will likely always prove a challenge.”

 “In America, the justice system is broken and the ones who are oppressed are normally the ones who suffer the most. It’s hard for people to think of hope,” I said softly. “So all that’s left is rage. Some claim that it’s not the system but the people. Some say it can never be fixed and others don’t want it to be.” 

I leaned back in my seat and gave her a wry smile.

“I don’t think balance is at the forefront of anyone’s minds when it comes to punishment,” I said. “It’s about getting even.”

Safia sighed and shook her head.

“N’Jadaka has told me about such trials and the struggles that are still endured today.”

I sighed.

“Yeah,” I said softly. “It’s part of the conversations we have sometimes. It’s kind of inevitable having those types of talk but sometimes it leaves you drained. You start angry and frustrated and then it’s like you either have to go numb from it or just let it go. But then you remember if you let it go and block it out, nothing will change. So you have to put yourself back out there, try to make a difference, fight against the things that seem determined to keep you down. And you get caught in this exhausting cycle where being aware becomes an unwanted burden.”

I realized I had devolved into a rant, but noticed that Safia was listening intently.

“Sorry,” I said. “I didn’t mean to bring down the mood.”

“No need for apologies. You were merely expressing yourself and your frustrations,” she said. “I do have some authors that I think you may find of interest though.”

“Ok,” I said eagerly. I was always excited for finding new reading material.

_________________________

It was much later in the day when I said goodbye to Safia and a guard helped me find my way back to Erik’s room. My arms were laden with a few books I had borrowed from the library and I refused the guard’s offer for help. I already felt bad enough that I had him leave his post to help me.

I had settled onto the sofa and was engrossed in a book that took a philosophical view of moral development when Erik walked in.

“Hey,” I said when I spotted him. “Long day?”

“Yeah,” he sighed.

He reached the couch and then laid down on top of me, nuzzling his face into my chest.  I had to lift my arms out the way quickly to keep my them from getting trapped beneath me. My book dangled from one hand in the air and I made a noise of protest as he got comfortable.

“Erik,” I laughed. “What are you doing?” 

“What’s it look like?” he asked and plucked open the top two buttons of my dress. “Getting comfortable on my favorite pillow.”

“I am not a pillow and you are way too heavy,” I said and swatted him with my book. “All that muscle adds up you know.”

His hands were stroking up my dress and he slapped at my thigh.

“Talk too fucking much for a pillow,” he groused and pressed a kiss to swell of my right breast, his facial hair tickling the sensitive flesh. “Been thinking ‘bout this all day.”

I sighed, giving up, and tossed the book onto the coffee table. He was still placing light kisses along my skin and I brought my hands up to bury in his dreads.

“Did you get what you needed?” I asked, massaging his scalp. “From whoever that was.”

Erik didn’t answer for a moment, too focused in his ministrations, hands rubbing over my thighs and the curves of my ass, lips tracing patterns on my skin.

“Yeah,” he said finally and reached up to tug open another button. “You straight while I was gone?”

Warmth was spreading across my skin, prompted by his sensual attentions. It took me a second to answer and I felt the tremors of his laughter as he looked up at me.

“Uh huh. I met Safia,” I said. “And we talked, and she showed me some books I should read.”

“Yeah?”

The response was automatic, his attention caught between listening and rubbing his cheek against the curves of my bust.

“We talked about the practices at the Rehabilitation Center and meditation practices. And I told her about my work and studies and some of the kids there. Especially Malik and yes, she told me the same everyone else told me. And then I ended up letting out everything and you were right she’s really good at that….”

I was on a tangent, re-telling him about all I had learned from Safia in just a few hours, my hands waving excitedly.

“I mean, I’m not trying to be a martyr or anything and she was like ‘some sacrifices we tend to take more for ourselves than for others’ and I get that, but I don’t think I feel that way. And she said that sometimes you don’t realize how deeply wounded you are until others see it for you. Did you know she was married? I mean she’s a widow now and told me how hard it was for her when her husband passed, and I couldn’t even imagine that pain. Losing mama was bad enough, you know, and if we got married and I lost you, oh, I don’t know if I could…”

I froze, my brain catching up with what I had just said. Erik had stopped his ministrations and had rested his chin on my stomach, dark eyes watching. They were so focused on me that I wondered if he caught what I let slip.

“Well, anyway then she got me talking about my mama again,” I continued quickly, and I saw something flicker in his eyes.

Damn. He had caught the slip.

“And she thinks I may not be over that and that’s why I have those dreams sometimes and…”

“What dreams?”

I was relieved that he decided to focus on that instead of my earlier words. I had been hesitant before to bring up the dreams, but now I was eager to talk about them.

“Well, I’ve kind of dreamt about Bast. At least three times,” I said, and his brows furrowed. “The most recent one was last night and then right before I woke up here. The first one was when we had taken our, well, I guess when _I_ had asked for a break.”

“What she say?” he asked, brown eyes searching mine.

“Well, the last two she kind of…” I trailed off, focusing on my fingers stroking the nape of his neck. “She told me that I’m the one who’s lost now. And that I shouldn’t try to find my way out all alone. Kind of what Safia said too.”

“Now?” he asked and frowned. “What do mean you’re lost now?”

“Oh,” I said. “Right, well in my first dream, she told me you were lost, and I needed to help you.”

Erik sat up and for a moment I thought I had offended him or angered him. But he simply stared at me and I blinked at him.

“What else happened in that dream?” he demanded.

“Well, it was a while ago,” I admitted. He gave me an impatient look and I sighed.

“Well, I remember I was in a jungle and the sky was purplish blue. And she came as a black panther and led me to you. And you were near this cliff and you asked me if I loved you and that your dad said you both were abandoned, and no one could save you.”

The memories were flooding back, and I realized that such dreams would never leave my mind. I rubbed my hands down my arms, feeling the goosebumps that rose across my skin.

“And then your eyes got really dark and you fell of the cliff because I couldn't save you.”

Erik continued staring at me, long enough that I shifted and then nudged my glasses up the bridge of my nose. A smile spread across his face and he shifted to lean back against the couch, rubbing a hand across his brow. Then he laughed. It was filled with real mirth and I eyed him warily.

“Babe, you ok?” I asked peering at him. “Are you having a mental breakdown or something?”

He shook his head but continued laughing.

“Are you sure? Cause I can get Safia or…”

“Nah,” he said and tried to recover. “Nah, I’m good. Fuck, she don’t waste no time, huh?”

He was still chuckling to himself, gold glinting as he smiled widely.

“So, I’m really confused right now,” I said watching as he rubbed his face.

“I had the same dream, Shae,” he said, and my eyes widened. “Just how you described it. Was I wearing a blue hoodie with white stripes down the side?”

I nodded, feeling my own shock settle in.

“Yeah,” he mused. “It’s what I was wearing the day my pops died.”

“How is that possible?” I asked softly.

“Guess she wanted us to find each other and was getting impatient,” Erik said, but he was smiling. A true smile, with dimples and everything.

“Bast?” I asked, and he nodded. “And you just accept that? No questions or anything?”

Erik shrugged, still grinning slightly. It was the most I had seen him smile in a while and I found my own smile forming.

“Seen crazier things,” he said. “Shit, pretty fucking opened minded about a lot of things now.”

“Yeah but,” I said, the rational part of my mind rebelling. “I’ve read about people being on sync, but we weren’t in the same room or building or anything. And to have the same exact dream…it’s like we were actually talking to each other.”

“We were,” Erik said, and I marveled at how accepting he was of all this.

“This is crazy!” I said, waving my hands. “A goddess linking us up in a dream? Doesn't that just sound crazy to you?”

“We got aliens coming from the sky, people who can move shit just by thinking about it,” he pointed out. “And you think us being connected through a dream is crazy?”

“Well, I guess not,” I admitted hesitantly. “I just don’t know what to make of all this. Like we’re in some cliché romance novel as two destined lovers.”

“What’s wrong with that?” he asked, draping his arms across the couch.

I raised a brow.

“You’re ok with that? What about being independent and making your own destiny and not giving a damn about what others tell you to do?”

Erik inclined his head, smirking slightly.

“I got you, so what I got to complain about?” he asked.

I couldn’t help the smile and looked away. My face felt warm and I didn’t know why those simple words made me feel bashful.

“Look, we still get to decide what we want,” he said, turning my head to face him. “Whether we stay together or not, that’s still _our_ decision.”

I gave him a frantic look and he laughed lightly.

“Easy, ma,” he said and drew me into his lap. “I ain’t planning on letting you go.”

He curved his hands over my ass and gave a squeeze.  I smiled at him and leaned forwards to capture his lips in a kiss. He kissed me back lazily, tongue stroking along my own, his fingers kneading my ass.

His kimoyo beads began beeping and he growled. I laughed softly and tapped his nose.

“You should get that,” I said, and he scowled. “It’s only natural they need you more now. You have been out of the field for a while.”

“Ain’t my problem,” he said and drew me back in for a kiss.

I turned my head and he ended up kissing my neck instead. His hands were still moving, trying to coax me into what would likely end up in hours of distraction. The beeping stopped, and he shifted to drop me onto the couch, settling himself on top. I ran my hands down his bare arms, eagerly stroking along the hard muscles and soft scars. He was kissing me passionately, fingers stroking along the line of my panties, when his cell phone rang this time. It laid on the coffee table, buzzing insistently with each ring. He ignored it again and it stopped. He was placing open mouthed kisses along my neck when it started ringing again.

Erik lifted his head to glare at it and I giggled.

“It’s probably important,” I said, and he eyed me. “They wouldn’t call so many times if it wasn’t.”

With a grunt of irritation, he sat up and snagged the phone from the table.

“What the fuck do you want?” he demanded as soon as he answered. I sighed and sat up, straightening my dress.

I couldn't hear whoever was on the other side of the phone, but Erik huffed at whatever they said.

“Shit, I said I’d call you later,” he grumbled and then rose from his seat. “Can’t let a nigga work if ya’ll keep riding me and shit.”

He left the room, muttering and I shook my head with a smile. I grabbed the book I had set down and got comfortable in my spot. Erik returned a moment later, his laptop tucked under his arm. To my surprise, he passed me the phone.

“T wants to talk to you.”

I took the phone, feeling nervous again. Erik sat down next to me and started up his computer.

“Hello?” I asked hesitantly.

“Shae,” T’Challa greeted warmly. “How are you feeling?”

I felt relief at the now familiar question, hoping that meant he wasn’t upset with me.

“I’m feeling great,” I said. “Never better.”

T’Challa didn’t say anything and I took that as a sign that he didn’t believe me.

“It’s fine, really,” I said and waved a hand. “At least we know I can take a punch.”

“That ain’t fucking funny, Shae,” Erik said, sparing me a glance from his computer.

“And here I thought everyone liked my humor,” I said, but neither one of them laughed. “Seriously, I’m ok. He got some good hits in, but I survived.”

“He should not have laid his hands on you in the first place,” T’Challa said and I blinked at his tone. T’Challa always seemed calm and composed, but there was an edge to his voice that I had never heard before. “There are men who do not care about harming others, no matter how cowardly it may be.”

“Yes,” I said. “But that’s just how it is sometimes.”

“Regardless, please tell me you will not put yourself in such situations again?” he asked. “My cousin isn’t the only one who would be upset if something happened to you, Shae.”

It touched me, and I remembered what he had said about me being like family. I thought of how Erik’s family had treated me and I was reminded, once again, that my actions didn’t just impact me, but others around me.

T’Challa wasn’t exactly scolding me, but I still felt contrite. Just like his cousin, he didn’t raise his voice, but there was authority to his words all the same.

“I’m sorry,” I said, rubbing one hand over my wrist. “Really, I should’ve known better. I was just trying to be a hero I guess.”

“There’s no need to apologize,” T’Challa said patiently. “You did what you could in your situation. Perhaps you could focus a bit more on your training? It may help, though I hope the situation never comes again.”

Oh, well that was a good point. I had been trying before, but it had been a light attempt, my focus more on getting exercise than actually learning skills.

 “That’s a good idea,” I said, “And, I’m sorry for making you all worried.”

“You gotta be fucking kidding me,” Erik said, and I glanced over at him. He was scowling at me.

“What?” I asked, and he crossed his arms.

“Shit, he tells you to do something and there’s no argument?” he snapped, and I blinked at him.

“Oh, well…” I said and shrugged. “He is a King.”

Erik’s eyes narrowed.

“So the fuck what? I’m a Prince, or did you forget that shit?”

I heard a soft laugh and Erik glared at the phone.

 “I don’t know. It just…seems more official when he says it,” I said and nodded to myself. “Yeah, like there’s really no room for argument, you know?”

I was teasing him of course and grinned at him. He rolled his eyes and held out his hand for the phone. I handed it to him and pressed a quick kiss to his cheek as a way of apology. He quirked his lips and I knew it placated him.

He put the phone on speaker and went back to his computer.

“Ya’ll can’t keep out of fucking trouble, huh?” he muttered, his eyes reading his computer screen.

“I thank you for your assistance, N’Jadaka,” T’Challa replied and it sounded like he had switched to speaker phone as well.

“Yo, you lucky Shae had me pick up the phone,” he responded, and I nudged him. He gave me a look and I quirked a brow at him. 

“Shit, you really are an Oakland nigga huh?”

The question was posed by a new feminine voice, one I didn’t recognize. Both Erik and I glanced at the phone and then Erik smirked.

“Ay, that yo’ girl, T?” he asked, and I waited excitedly for T’Challa’s response.

All we heard was a pause and then mild cough. Erik snickered.

“So what’d you do, ma?” Erik asked the woman. “They was real interested in getting to you.”

Erik kept typing, switching through windows as he searched for something.

“It wasn’t my fault,” she protested. “I didn't know anyone was looking for me.”

“Still yo’ ass is sloppy, though,” he responded. “Don't ya’ll know folks out here looking for people like you? And you just throw out small explosions, acting like no one’s gonna notice.”

How much did Erik already know? And I supposed the whole mutant question was pretty much answered. I was extremely interested even as I felt a little guilty for eavesdropping.

“Look, nigga…”

“Want my help or not?” Erik asked, cutting her off. “Cause whatever you about to say may change my mind.”

T’Challa sighed.

Poor thing. I didn’t know the details, but I guess she had been in trouble. The frustration in her voice had been clear.

“Don’t worry, he’ll help you,” I piped in, feeling sympathetic. “He’s just gotta show his tough side first.”

Erik shot me a look and I nodded pointedly to the phone.

“Right, Erik?” I said, prompting him.

“Who’s Erik?” she asked in confusion. “I thought his name was N’Jadaka.”

“Oh, that’s his birth name. Erik’s his American name,” I explained. I paused realizing she likely had no idea who was talking. “Oh, I’m Shaeya Anderson by the way. Well, actually my friends call me Shae. Or sometimes I get called Dr. Shae, but that’s too stuffy don’t you think?”

 

Erik’s gaze had returned to his screen as he continued typing, but there was a small quirk to his lips.

“Anyway, I’d say that he’ll help because your T’Challa’s friend. Well, we would help even if you weren’t because you should always try to help people, right, T’Challa?”

I heard T’Challa chuckle lightly and Erik shook his head.

“Yes,” he agreed. “I share that sentiment.”

“See?” I prompted and knew that I was babbling, but I couldn’t help it. “I’m sorry, I didn’t even ask what your name was?”

I think Nakia told me, but I couldn’t remember.

“Jenna,” she said and there was a hint of amusement in her voice.  “Jenna Dawson.”

“That’s a nice name, Jenna,” I said, smiling. “I’ve heard a lot about you.”

I winced, and Erik grinned. Damn, I hadn’t meant to let that slip.

“You have?” she asked, startled.

“Oh well, just a few times,” I said quickly. “Don’t worry, it’s nothing bad, you know? I mean Shuri and Nakia have nice things to say and T’Challa…”

“N’Jadaka,” T’Challa said, cutting me off. “Were you able to get answers?”

Erik huffed out a laugh and I felt my heat as I sunk into my seat. I was going to keep my mouth shut for the rest of the night.

“Yeah,” Erik said sending me another amused glance. “He talked.”

Looked like he was letting his cousin off easy. I had expected him to press it, but he was slipping into his serious mode.

“Found out quite a bit. Our intel was right and their part of the same organization that tried breaking through the border last month.”

I couldn't understand the language he was reading on the screen, but he scrolled through the text effortlessly.

“Took what he gave me and it checks out,” he continued. “They real unorganized though, calling themselves an international terror group. Pretty damn close to being Hydra wannabes.”

T’Challa hummed thoughtfully, a sign that he was listening.

“They’re grabbing tech they find on the black market and trying to utilize it for weapons. Some Chitauri weapons, but that drew too much attention and was too unstable. U.S. Department of Damage Control actually did a pretty decent sweep to get most of it. They’ve been looking for alternative avenues and started getting greedy for Wakandan tech.”

He tabbed over to another screen and I couldn’t understand that language either.

“Since we got our shit together it’s too hard for them to get to it though, so they’re trying to figure out how to get it. They hope if they can snag some, it’ll increase their presence in the black market. The Vibranium that's still out there? The stakes are real high and they’re trying to be the sole provider.”

I knew Erik had been key in helping retrieve the vibranium that was still out there.

“Lofty goals,” T’Challa murmured and there was a hint of irritation in his voice.

“No shit,” Erik said. “But they’ve got a few tactics they’re trying to work on. One of ‘em is to start shit in neighboring countries, especially close to the border.”

“Hoping we will be distracted with the unrest in neighboring countries,” a female voice said. “That still wouldn’t get them inside.”

 

I recognized the voice as Okoye, T’Challa’s general and leader of the Dora Milaje. She and Erik seemed to be neutral at most times and I knew that was due to her strong loyalty to her King. Then again, I hadn’t spent much time around Okoye to know her well enough to see if she was warming up to Erik.

 

“They think it might,” Erik said.  “Cause enough unrest from poorer countries, while you got the wealthiest nation sitting right next to them. Next thing you know, other countries got the high ground when they claim Wakanda ain’t doing shit for no one. They’ll start pointing fingers and say it’s Wakanda’s fault they ain’t got nothing. Real good speech to sell when you’re trying to build a crew to attack.”

 

Neither T’Challa or Okoye responded for a moment.

 

“But you guys are helping,” I piped in. “I mean, the relief and aid has been going out there. The world can see you’re helping people.”

 

“It’s spin,” Erik said and was reading something on his screen. “They’ll start claiming if they had direct resources then they wouldn’t have to rely on Wakanda for help. They’ll try to say Wakanda is doing it for political control, not really to help.”

 

“That’s not fair,” I insisted. “I mean, shouldn’t it be on those countries leaders to help their people?”

 

“You’d think,” Erik muttered.

 

I knew it wasn’t that simple and I may be a bit biased, but I felt that Wakanda was making strong strides in trying to help countries. They were doing way more than they used to, that was for sure.

 

 “I’m not saying this isn’t important,” Jenna interjected. “But what does this have to do with me?”

 

“Yeah, I was getting to that,” Erik said. “You can do energy manipulation, right?”

  
“Yes,” she said, hesitantly.

 

“How often you use your powers?” he asked.

 

She didn’t say anything and I was guessing she was uncomfortable that her secret was out.

 

“At least three times a month, it looks like,” Erik said when she stayed quiet.

 

“How the hell do you know that?” she snapped and Erik smirked.

 

He was looking at a map, and as he tabbed through the colors changed. It looked like one of those radar maps that pick up a storm or heat signatures.

 

“Every time you start blowing shit up, it gives off a pretty fucking strong energy signature,” he said, studying the map. “Looks like you’ve done it enough that if anyone was watching, they’d notice.”

 

I peered at the map and he pointed to an area that was washed in red and orange.

 

“Oh,” I said softly. “That’s her?”

 

“Yep,” Erik said and even he sounded impressed.

 

“Shit,” I heard Jenna say.

 

“Didn’t think about that did you?” Erik said and snorted.

 

“Look, I wasn’t trying to bring attention to myself. How was I supposed to know people would be looking out for that?”

 

“You blow shit up, ma,” Erik said exasperatedly. “Whether you figured it or not, people were gonna notice eventually.”

 

She didn’t respond and Erik shook his head.

 

“Anyway, the colonizer ya’ll brought in is part of the group that sectioned off to try their next tactic.”

 

“Which is?” T’Challa asked.

 

“Mutant slaves,” Erik said, and I tensed. “They look for people like homegirl here and grab ‘em. Some they try to convince, others they take by force.”

 

“The collar they attempted to use was a suppressant,” T’Challa said. “The technology was advanced, but poorly copied.”

 

“Like I said, they’re still trying to get their shit together. Some of my contacts mentioned they recognize some of the names I got and it looks like some circles are starting to put out bids for mutants or people with enhanced abilities. Bring ‘em in and turn them into a weapon.”

 

The thought made me sick and I sunk into my seat. Erik’s face was blank, but there was slight tension to his shoulders, even as he spoke evenly.

 

“Someone like her,” Erik said and had switched to another window, which was once again, not in English.  “Ay, what else can you do?”

 

There was a brief pause and then I heard Jenna let out a breath.

 

“I can put up force fields too,” she said. There was another pause. “I’m also an empath.”

 

“Empath?” I asked. “Like you can sense other’s emotions?”

 

“Yes,” she said, and it sounded like she was forcing the words out. “I can manipulate them too, make people feel what I want them to.”

 

There were so many implications to that. Humans are emotional creatures and being able to manipulate how someone could feel, could very well be like manipulating their decisions or behavior.

 

“Damn,” Erik muttered. “Yeah, there’s folks that want someone like you. Pay big too.”

 

“So, they’d either sell me or keep me for themselves?” she asked.

 

Her voice had gone flat and I wondered if she was like me. Trying to shut out what worried her, so she could focus on what she needed to do.

 

“Yeah.”

 

I pressed myself to Erik’s side, seeking his physical comfort. He slipped an arm around me and tucked me closer, understanding what I was looking for.

 

“That will not happen,” T’Challa said. The edge in his voice was back and stronger than before. “N’Jadaka, are you sure he gave you everything?”

 

“Yeah,” Erik said, his voice flat. “I made sure.”

  
I shivered, and Erik rubbed a hand soothingly down my arm.

 

“There is no chance he deceived you?” Okoye prompted. “As inefficient as they seem, he was very resistant to initial questioning before we sent him to you.”

 

Erik continued to rub my arm gently, face still blank.

 

“Ya’ll ain’t me,” Erik responded. “I got what we needed. Made sure he knows what’ll happen if I find out he was lying.”

 

I rested my hand on his thigh and squeezed. I was grateful that he would never turn that coldness to me. I didn’t know who this man was but given the type of dealings that he was a part of, I could bet that the Erik probably didn’t have any qualms about letting out his darker side.

“Got one more thing,” Erik said after a brief silence. “Charlie checked in with me this morning. I had him looking into this since you called, and he found out they were putting on an auction in Chicago. Underground shit, but one of their leaders will be there. They trying to get their name circulating out there and already sold three mutants, from what he found out. She’d be a high price item. They don’t have any physical details on her though, just what she can do. It’s why they stopped by to grab her. They wanted to get her checked in and trained before the auction.”

“I’m not a fucking item,” Jenna snapped. Then she let out a shaky breath. “Sorry,” she said much quieter.

“All good,” Erik said evenly. “Shit’s fucked up.”

  _Mutant slaves. Human trafficking. It’s all horrible._

“Yeah,” she mumbled.

“Even so,” Okoye said carefully. “There is an opportunity here.”

“What do you mean?” Jenna asked, and she sounded slightly tired.

Okoye didn’t respond for a moment.

“They are already looking for….,” she started.

“No.”

The sharp word came from T’Challa and caused Okoye to grow quiet.

I glanced at Erik and I could see the wheels turning in his head.

“Shit, pretty cold blooded, ma.”

Okoye made a disgruntled noise and Erik smirked slightly.

“What?” Jenna demanded. “What is?”

“Kumkani, I do not suggest putting her in danger but…”

T’Challa cut her off in Xhosa and whatever he said made Erik snort. Okoye responded and then Erik said something. They began arguing in neutral tones and I frowned.

“Well this is just fucking rude,” I heard Jenna mutter.

“Yeah,” I sighed. “They do this sometimes. I tell myself I’m going to learn. I might be able to now that I'm here.”

They continued, seemingly able to hear each other as Jenna and I kept talking. It was a bit tricky, but if I focused on her voice, I could tune out the foreign words in the background.

“You’re in Wakanda?” she asked and there was a touch of excitement in her voice.

 “Yeah,” I said, grinning.

“Lucky,” I heard her mutter.

Funny thing was, I had thought the same thing about her when I heard about the program she applied for. I wanted to tell her there was a high chance she’d come, given what I knew, but I felt it wasn’t my place.

“T’Challa,” Jenna said, obviously fed up with the separate exchange. “Just tell me.”

They all grew quiet and Erik was tapping a finger against his knee.

“Shit, I’ll tell her,” he finally said.

“Of course you will,” T’Challa retorted and I raised my brows. The King was normally more composed, but I could hear the clear irritation in his voice.

“Watch it, nigga,” Erik. “We all get our choices, right?”

T’Challa muttered something in Xhosa and Erik smirked and shook his head.

“They got an auction going on,” Erik started.

“Yeah, I got that,” Jenna interrupted. “And I was likely on the list, got that too. Get to the point.”

“Interrupt me again, girl,” Erik snapped.

“This nigga,” she muttered.

“The fuck you say?” he growled, and I shook my head.

I knew it was useless to tell him to be nice.

“Nothing,” she said. “Sorry, I’ll be quiet.”

Erik didn’t say anything for a moment and I realized he was getting even. I rolled my eyes.

“Their leader, Mark Fervis, isn’t trying to go out too much,” he said finally. “He rarely makes appearances, but this will be the bigger auction they’re having. He’s willing to risk it, because if they get someone like you, they’re plan can take off. But he won’t always be in the open. Too many eyes are looking for this type of shit, so they limit in person bidding. We got our way in now.”

Another pause and then Jenna let out a breath.

“I’ll do it,” Jenna said. “If those fuckers are going to be there, I’m going to help.”  

 “You are not trained,” Okoye stated.

“I’m sorry,” Jenna replied evenly. “I thought you were just trying to get me to go?”

“I was not trying to bring you along,” Okoye said. “They do not know what you look like. We can have a stand in.”

Jenna made an irritated noise.

“A stand in? I’m the only one who has actual powers, here.”

“And yet, you required rescue, did you not?” Okoye responded evenly.

“That wasn’t,” Jenna started and then huffed. “Look, I was caught off guard ok?”

“And do you expect every attacker to wait until you are ready?” Okoye quipped back.

“You don’t know...”

“Enough.”

T’Challa’s command had them both growing silent. I could only imagine the tension in the room as the silence lasted.

“I have no desire to involve you in this, Jenna,” he said.

“But…”

She grew quiet suddenly and I wondered if T’Challa had silenced her with a look.

“It appears we have no choice,” he continued, his tone terse. “If the situation calls for it, she may have to demonstrate her abilities as part of this…. auction. It will blow our cover if her stand in is unable to do so.”

 “So, you’re cool with me going?” Jenna prompted.

“No,” T’Challa said flatly. “N’Jadaka, how soon is this auction?”

“About a month out, “Erik said. “Maybe two if they’re still organizing.”

“Bast,” T’Challa muttered. “That will not be enough time.”

“For what?” I asked, too curious to stay quiet.

“One, homegirl needs to be trained for this. Shit goes down, she’ll be front and center and we need to make sure she can handle it,” Erik explained. “Two, T and Okoye can’t be with her. The people there will recognize ‘em because they’re too public now. We need someone who can be there to bid her off and have her back while we standby on the side lines.”

“Why not you?” I asked, and he raised a brow. “I mean, you’re really good and if she needed protection, you could definitely throw down.”

Erik grinned at me and I shrugged. It was true. Erik was a badass. I’d definitely want him to have my back if I was doing this type of job.

“Nah, there’s a chance someone there will recognize me too. Using my contacts to get info is one thing but going in person ain’t the best option for me anymore.”

“Oh,” I said and then had a sudden idea. “What about Nakia?”

Erik raised his brows at me and I blinked.

“What?” I whispered, and he just shook his head.

“Nakia,” Okoye repeated. “She is an excellent option.”

I lifted my chin proudly at Erik and he rolled his eyes. Then he gave a pointed look at the phone and back at me. It clicked, and my eyes widened. He smirked at me, amused.

Shit.

I had basically suggested that T’Challa’s ex should go with his current interest on a mission together. Well, I could scratch matchmaker off my list of potential job aspects.

“Nakia is a spy?” Jenna asked. “Holy shit that makes so much sense.”

She didn’t sound mad at least. I wasn’t sure what her tone was, but it didn’t sound angry or jealous.

“How is she, by the way?” Jenna asked, almost sounding casual.

Erik and I exchanged a glance before looking back at the phone.

 “Nakia is thriving in Oakland,” T’Challa responded, having slipped back into that neutral tone. “She will likely have much to attend to as part of her duties.”

He was making an excuse not to bring in Nakia and I wasn’t sure if it was for his or Jenna’s benefit. 

Nakia wanted to see Jenna and knew that Jenna may not be receptive to see her. Not only that, she knew that T’Challa was interested in Jenna too. I had already thrown shit out there, I wondered if I would hurt anything by making another suggestion.

“Well that’s good,” Jenna said. “She’s always talked about making a change, so good for her.”

Erik was eying me and I knew he was guessing what I was thinking. I titled my head to the phone. ‘ _Should I?’_

He shrugged slightly. ‘ _Do what you want._ ’ 

  _To meddle or not to meddle._

“Nakia would come if you asked for help, Jenna,” I blurted, deciding to dive in deep. “She’s been talking about wanting to see you again.”

There was another pause and I held my breath.

“She has?” Jenna asked hesitantly.

“Yep,” I said, nodding even though I knew she couldn’t see me. “I know you guys would be on a mission and everything. But it’d be a good way to catch up you know? Like talking about boyfriends and other stuff.”

“Subtle,” Erik muttered, and I elbowed him.

“I don’t…um, I don’t have a boyfriend,” she said, and I found myself grinning. “I mean there’s this guy, but it’s not…you know what, never mind.”

Was it possible that Jenna was as awkward as me? Or was it because T’Challa was in the room?

“Oh well, I’m sure there’s other stuff to talk about,” I pointed out. “I like talking to Erik and Nakia about spy stuff and Shuri about her technology. And T’Challa and I chat sometimes, especially because I always have questions about running a kingdom. By himself. Like that must be hard, doing it by yourself. Well, basically by yourself.”

Erik had titled his head back, one hand over his mouth as he shook with laughter. I ignored him.

“It is getting late,” T’Challa said mildly. “We should reconvene tomorrow to discuss strategy.”

“Oh, I'm not tired,” Jenna cut in. “Shae, right? Do you mind if I get your number?”

“No, I don’t mind,” I said enthusiastically. “Let me know when you’re ready, so you can jot it down.”

“For Bast’s sake,” T’Challa muttered and Erik finally broke.

“Yo, this shit is priceless,” he laughed.  “Jenna, he got his hands behind his back?”

Jenna paused and then said, “yes.”

Erik laughed louder, and I couldn’t help the grin, infected with his mirth. I did feel bad though; I hadn’t meant for T’Challa to get teased. But if Jenna and I started talking, hopefully I could learn more about her. And if T’Challa and Jenna ever ended up together, then I felt it’d be the best way to make it up to him.

Maybe I could play a decent matchmaker after all. 


	22. Chapter 22

** Chapter 22 **

 

Erik got a lot busier now that they had a mission to prepare for. Coupled with his duties as Prince, which increased with T’Challa’s temporary absence, I rarely saw him over the next few days. I even began to wonder if he even slept in our bed at nights, as I always went to bed alone and woke up without him at my side.

 

Which was just as well. I had started to have a few nightmares and I didn’t want him to worry about that. I decided to confide in Safia about them though, hoping she could give me some advice.

 

“It is only natural,” she said. “Your mind is struggling to break free of the past and there will always be resistance.”  

 

“But my dreams aren’t about what happened with Reggie though,” I said, readjusting my glasses. “I feel like I’ve handled that pretty well.”

 

“That may well be,” Safia said, nodding. “But that is not the past that I speak of. In each of your dreams, the goddess has mentioned your mother, has she not?”

 

I didn’t respond right of way, even though she was right. We had settled into the study room where we first spoke and the light from the morning sun brightened the room. I shifted my gaze, taking in the shimmering windows of a few buildings outside. This high up in the palace, you could see the greenery that covered the top of quite a few buildings. Erik said it looked like a jungle canopy from the air and was just one part of the camouflaging technique to fool those who would try to find Wakanda from the air.  

 

I could feel Safia gazing at me, a patient look on her face. I love talking about my mother in most circumstances. But when it came to the subject of her death and exploring the feelings I had around it, I was a lot more resistant.

 

“Tell me, Shae,” Safia said after another moment. “Do you feel you are happy with your life?”

 

I blinked and returned my gaze to meet hers. That was a suspiciously easy question.

 

“Yes,” I said, eying her. “I would say I am.”

 

“I see,” Safia said and sipped at her cup of tea. “And what about your life would you say makes you happy?”

 

I had slipped out of my shoes so I could sit cross legged in my chair, knowing I could stay comfortable in that pose for a while. At her question, I moved my hands to drop inside my lap and thought about my answer.

 

“Well,” I said. “I love my job, and my new place, and Erik and I are doing well.”

 

“Oh?” she asked, and I raised my brows.

 

“Yes,” I said and tilted my head. “Unless you know something I don’t.”

  
She chuckled lightly and waved a hand.

 

“No,” she said. “No, I can see how deeply you two care for each other. But tell me, if you were to lose N’Jadaka, how would you feel?”

 

I stared at her, my lips pressed into a thin line. She should know the obvious answer to that question. She hummed lightly at my expression.

 

“Perhaps I should ask, do you think you could be happy again without him?”

 

Even though it was a hypothetical question, my stomach clenched uncomfortably and my muscles grew tense.

 

“I don’t know,” I said tightly. “I would hope I could recover one day.”

 

“But you said that you were happy now, with your job and where you lived. Take out one factor and surely you could return to such happiness again.”

 

My hands were clenched tight around my ankles and I just looked at her. I had a suspicion to what I think she was getting at, but I wasn’t sure what the bigger picture was yet.

 

“We often refocus our views on what we believe will grant us happiness,” she said, studying my reactions. “We grow attached to things in this world, whether it be a person, a place or thing. It may even be an idea or belief that we cling to, thinking that to be without these things that we will be lost.”

 

“When you lose something you’re attached to, you can learn to move on from it,” I said, actively trying to ease the tension in my shoulders. “You can find ways to cope and they can help ease the pain until you’re better.”

 

“Cope?” she questioned. “You believe that coping is an effective way to deal with such pain?”

 

“Yes,” I said, nodding. “You can’t expect to never feel the pain of loss, but you can learn to cope with it.” 

 

Safia circled her finger around the rim of her cup, studying me. Her brown eyes felt like they were looking deep into me and reminded me of the intensity of the emerald green eyes of my dreams.

 

“Coping sounds like a reluctant relationship with pain, don’t you think?” she asked, still tracing the rim of her mug. “People often find ways of _dealing_ with their issues, by coping with them.”

 

“Well, yeah,” I admitted. “I mean, there are unhealthy coping mechanisms, but there are healthy ones to.”

 

“Such as?” she questioned. It felt like a test and I hesitated before answering.

 

“Well, therapy is one,” I said. “Meditation and then some people take medication, if it helps them. Some go to church or find groups of people who are going through the same thing. Others talk to close friends or family members, and others participate in healthy activities.”

 

“And do such techniques ease pain?” she pushed. “For instance, which of those techniques would ease your pain?” 

 

“Therapy,” I said instantly, my tone a little flat. I didn’t like how we kept circling back around to this.

 

“Ah, but that is your automatic answer,” she said and paused to sip again. “Given your field, do you believe your training has allowed you to develop proper coping techniques? Do you feel you are free of the pain of your past and ready to cope with the pain of the future?”

 

It sounded like she was coming for me, but her tone was gentle and her eyes patient as she gazed at me.

 

“I help the kids with their problems,” I said, diverting. “And it seems to help a lot of them.”

 

“But I am not speaking of the children,” Safia said. “I am speaking of you, Shae. At the thought of your mother’s death and at the thought of N’Jadaka’s loss, you recoil and close yourself.”

 

I just looked at her, knowing that my face was likely blank. It was proving her point, but I couldn't bring myself to give her another expression.

  
“I know how to help people,” I said when I realized she was going to wait me out. “That’s what I’m trained to do and I’m good at it.”

 

“Yes, I have heard how well you are doing at your job. What of N’Jadaka? Do you believe you have helped him through his journey of self-growth?”

 

“I think so,” I said, thinking over the last two years. “Erik’s more open to me and he comes to me and talks to me more. And I don’t even have to ask as much.”

 

“I would agree. His progress has been extraordinary. Due to his own self-determination, I would say.”

 

“Yes,” I said, smiling at the thought. “When Erik puts his mind to it, he can do anything.”

 

“And you as well?” she asked.

 

“Probably,” I said with a shrug. “I can get deep into things when I want to.”

 

Safia smiled and then folded her hands in her lap.

 

“Have people often told you that you seem to hold more compassion for others than you do yourself?” she asked. “There is a strength to you, a determination that only wavers when it comes to your own shortcomings.” 

 

She was making a really roundabout way of getting to the point.

 

“A few people have mentioned it to me,” I mumbled. “Maybe once or twice.”

 

“And have these observations changed your views on yourself?”

 

I shrugged and began tapping my knee.

 

“I try to recognize it sometimes,” I said. “I try to retain the things I tell other people when I try to help them.”

 

“Why do you think your progress isn’t where you want it to be?”

 

Did I ask these many questions in my own sessions?

 

“I don’t know. I just get stuck,” I said, nudging my glasses again.

 

“Why?” she asked, and I shrugged. “Come now, you wouldn’t accept such an answer from one of your children, would you?”

 

Damn. She was good.  I kept tapping my knee rapidly, but Safia didn’t point it out. But I was feeling stubborn and didn’t want to answer.

 

“Let us try this then,” she said. “I will tell you what I think and then you will correct me if I am wrong.”

 

I wasn’t sure if I was going to like this, but I nodded.

 

“I would say that I have an advantage, as whenever N’Jadaka speaks of you it is with fondness. That is very telling and I was able to confirm some things through our discussions in the last few days.”

 

She folded her hands over her knees and sat back.

 

“I have learned that you are genuine in your compassion and take loyalty very seriously. You are eager to learn and just as eager to recognize your mistakes. There is a desire for growth in you, a desire to be better than who you believe yourself to be. You seem like a reasonable person and from these skills, you try to shape yourself into someone who is approachable to anyone who requires your assistance.”

 

Those sounded like good things. I was still wary to accept the praise and waited for the “but”. There was always a “but.”

 

“But…”

 

_There it is._

 

“…your focus extends so far out of yourself that you become extremely repentant when you discover a flaw. This seems to become more taxing as you believe that your studies and intellect should better prepare you to respond to your shortcomings. For instance, you likely feel angrier at yourself at this moment than you are at me, is that correct?”

 

I nodded stiffly, my hands clenched in my lap.

 

“And in this mindset, you feel that you must deal with such issues as burdens only for yourself and that by sharing them with others, you feel that perhaps all the strides you have made in your life will be seen as failures.”

 

I couldn’t tell if the tears that slipped out were from anger, frustration or sadness. Maybe all three. Safia passed me a napkin with a gentle smile and I dabbed at my eyes.

 

“I know that this is difficult, but we must journey through this,” she said. “Would you like me to continue?”

 

 _No. Yes? I don’t know_.

 

At my hesitation, she inclined her head.

 

“It may help you with, how did you say? Ah yes, from ‘getting stuck.’”

 

I inhaled shakily and then nodded for her to continue.

 

“There are many signs, many ways to commune and connect with one another. You may wonder how I have discovered so much about you. Everyone gives off subtle clues, in their words, their actions, their desires and fears. We have spoken at length about such topics and you have shared more with me than you may believe. I may also have the advantage of having visions from the goddess, but the fact remains the same.”

 

I had been so excited to share with her about my work and interests and how she helped Erik, I hadn’t realized how closely she had been listening to me.

 

“In your dream, you said the goddess said you were stuck in your past. She told you that you desire to save N’Jadaka, yes?”

 

“Yes, but,” I said, twisting the napkin in my lap. “It’s not about saving him, it’s about being there for him when he needs it. I realized along time ago that there was a part of me that wanted to save Erik, that I thought of him as someone who needed to be fixed. But I know that’s not true now. He just needs someone to be there for him, truly there for him.”

 

“And what of you?” she asked. “You have helped him work through his past. Have you allowed him to do the same?”

 

_“You ain’t used to being the one supported…and it’s throwing you off.”_

_“All last year, you pulled this shit too. Looking surprised when I did something nice for you.”_

_“_ _I ain’t dealing with you. The shit you go through, all these hang-ups, all the stupid shit you think about yourself, that ain’t me dealing with you.”_

Erik’s words echoed through my mind and I looked away, feeling uncomfortable.

 

“I’m…” I started, feeling my throat grow tight. “I don’t want him to… to feel like he has to look after me like that.”

 

“And why is that?”

 

“He’s gone through so much and he’s working so hard and…”

 

“Do you think he loves you?” she asked, interrupting me.

 

He did. I know he did. I did truly believe that Erik loved me, he had shown me in so many ways.

 

“Yes,” I said softly. “He does.”

 

“Do you think he values your feelings and wishes you to be free of the pain of your past, as he does for himself?” 

 

“Yes,” I repeated, wiping at my eyes. I could feel the tension boiling up and I could see her driving at her point.

 

 “Do you think he wishes for you to find peace in the same way he seeks it?” she pressed.

 

I nodded, the words burning at my throat, each question digging into a part of me that I just wanted to leave alone.

 

“Then why not share your burdens together? Why not seek to find answers to your troubling questions? Why not lean upon one another, allow him to see and accept all your flaws as you have done for…”

 

“Because it’s not the same!” I blurted, the words bubbling up. “Erik lost his parents to violence and anger. Everything was taken from him and he tried so hard to fight for it back and it was taken again. He was left alone, had to learn to survive a world that caused him nothing but pain.”

 

Safia was looking at me patiently, her expression calm as my outburst built.

 

“What do I have to compare that? I lost my mom. My mother who worked her whole life to look after me, to show me that I was loved, told me I could be whoever I wanted to be. Who taught me to care about other people, even when they turn their backs on you.”

  
I was crying and gesturing wildly.

 

“And what did I do with all that? I left her, left her to die alone and I didn’t even realize it until she was gone. All those lessons, all those studies and…and…. classes and seminars didn’t teach me a damn thing. And you want to know why I don’t share it with Erik?”

 

Was I hysterical? My heart was racing, muscles tense and still, she regarded me with that calm expression.

 

“I cannot let him down, not like I did her. I can’t let anyone down. I refuse to be the reason someone is in pain or hurt or upset.  And I know it’s messed up and it’s not my job, but I’m going to do it because I’m not losing anyone else because I was too selfish to see the signs when someone needs me. And my hang-ups? It’s nothing compared to what happened to Erik.”

 

“Why the fuck would you compare to me?”

 

I started and turned to see Erik standing in the doorway. His face was blank, but there was so much in his eyes that I felt I couldn’t hold his gaze for long.   
  
“Your Grace,” Safia greeted. “Please, join us.”

 

I felt shame wash through me and I looked away, my lips trembling as more tears spilled. It’s like a dam had leaked open and everything came tumbling out and I couldn't stop it.

 

When had he gotten here? How much had he heard?

 

“Shae,” Safia said gently. I refused to look at her. “Shae, there is no need to feel ashamed. You were being honest with yourself.”

 

I closed my eyes and pulled in a shaky breath. My chest felt tight and I uncrossed my legs and leaned over my knees. Safia made a noise of concern and rose from her seat, but I shook my head.

 

“I-I’m fine,” I whispered. “I’m so sorry, about this, Safia. I’m normally not like this.”

 

“There is absolutely no need for apologies,” she said and sunk to her knees before me. Erik had stepped into the room but kept his distance. Safia was already close to me and he knew crowding me made it worse.

 

“I’m still so sorry,” I whispered. “I should know better, I’m sorry.”

 

Safia rubbed my back gently and then pushed me by the shoulders so I was more upright. Then, she took my hand and drew it over my heart.

 

“Feel your heart beating,” she said. “And know that you are alive. In this moment, only think of this.”

 

I was taking quick breaths and nodded, trying to focus on the sound of my pounding heart. It wasn’t difficult to do as I could hear the rhythm in my ears.

 

“Feel each breath,” she instructed. “Breath in and breathe out. For this too shows that in this moment, you are alive.”

 

_Deep breath in. Hold and breathe out. Deep breath in. Hold and breathe out._

_“_ Feel the ground beneath your feet and let the solidness remind you that you are connected to the Earth and the strength that comes with it.”

 

I followed her instructions and when I could finally take a deep breath without trembling, she smiled at me.

 

“There now,” she said, rubbing my arms gently. “Better?”

 

“Yes,” I said and gave her a weak smile. “Thank you.”

 

She rose from her spot in front of me and patted my shoulder.

 

“I told you that the journey is long and difficult,” she said, before inclining her head in Erik’s direction. “One must always commit to the choice to make such a journey, but one must also remember that they do not have to take the journey alone.”

 

______________________

 

I hated crying. My eyes felt puffy, my glasses were smudged, and my nose felt stuffy. Aside from the release of a good deep cry, it also left me with a bit of embarrassment at having a breakdown in the first place.

 

I could only rely on the knowledge that Safia would likely not hold it against me but had seemed prepared for it to happen in the first place.

 

“She something else, huh?” Erik asked.

 

Safia had left us alone, declaring that she had other matters that she must attend to. When she suggested lunch with a bright smile, I knew for sure that she held no judgment against me.

 

“Yeah,” I said softly. “The kids back home wouldn't stand a chance if she ever decided to work there.”

 

Erik hummed in agreement.

 

We had moved to sitting on the floor in front of the large windows and Erik had pulled me into his arms, settling me in his lap as we watched the setting sun. The position had us sitting sideways against the window, and he braced his back against the wall as I leaned back against him.

 

The room was cast in oranges and yellows, a soft mixture that gave the room a warm feeling.

 

“It really is beautiful,” I said softly. “You did really well capturing it in your painting.”

 

“T took me to see it the first time,” he said. “Did I ever tell you that?” 

 

I shook my head and he slipped an arm around my waist.

 

“Thought it was going to be the last thing I saw before I died,” he said.

 

“But you didn’t,” I said. “He saved you.”

 

“Didn’t think of it as saving at the time,” he replied. “But I remember how he looked at me. Like seeing me die hurt him. Didn’t make fucking sense at the time, especially with all the shit I pulled.”

 

He had slipped his hand under the t-shirt I was wearing to rub a hand across my stomach.

 

“Nigga always right there, asking how I am, how you are, wanting to make sure we were okay. Listening and shit, it used to get on my fucking nerves. I didn’t like it, didn’t want him being all in my shit like that.”

 

I rested my head more comfortably on his chest, listening to his deep voice as he spoke.

 

“Then I got used to it. Found myself checking in without him asking. Don’t know how the nigga did it, but he got me confiding in him about shit.”

 

I laughed softly, shaking my head at his resentful tone.

 

“He cares about you,” I said, tapping his hand. “You’re his family.”

 

“Yeah,” Erik said mildly. “Crazy how people who care about you just want you to share shit, ain’t it?”

 

 _Touché_.

 

We grew silent and I gazed out at the city, noting that there were less moving figures in the street as the day ended.

 

“Do you remember what your mom looks like?” I asked softly. “Or remember anything about her?”

 

I thought of the gift I had for him, but it wasn’t why I asked the question.

 

Erik didn’t say anything for a moment, his hand still loosely covering mine. I couldn’t see his face and had no idea what thoughts were going through his mind.

 

“Nah,” he said, and I stroked my fingers over his knuckles with my other hand. “The few times she’s in my dreams, I can’t really make out her face.”

 

He didn’t even have pictures of her. At least I still had those, memories that I could retrieve when I wanted to remind myself of my mother’s smile.  

 

How was I supposed to do this?

 

“I keep thinking it’ll get better every year,” I whispered, “and I hate that you have to deal with this because you’ve gone through so much and I…”  


“Pain is pain,” Erik interrupted, his hands coming up to stroke along my wrists. “Shit hurts no matter how you got it.”

 

“I know,” I said. “I’ve been told that quite a few times.”

 

We grew silent again, lost in our own thoughts.

 

“How do you do it?” I asked suddenly. “When I’m trying to get you to open up to me, how do you get yourself to do it?”

 

Erik huffed a small laugh. His hands curled to wrap around mine, linking with my fingers.

 

“Shit, girl, I just force myself to. You persistent as fuck.”

 

I shook my head, even though a small part of me was tempted to smile.

 

“That doesn’t help. I think, maybe if I’m like you…”

  
“You ain’t like me, Shae,” he said, cutting me off. “You ain’t like anyone I ever met. And from what I know about you, a lot of that has to do with yo’ momma.”

 

I swallowed and felt the familiar prick of tears in my eyes.

 

“I didn’t know mine. Don’t really remember her, how she sounded or smelled or looked like. I just remember what happened to her.”

 

I couldn’t see his face, but his tone held no sadness or remorse, it was just a statement.

 

“And even after my pops was gone, all I felt was…” he stopped, and he let out a breath. “I wanted to tear the world apart. I wanted to take away what they took away from me.”

 

His thumb was rubbing lightly on my own, but his tone was still even.

 

“And you? I know how much it hurt to lose yo momma. But you decided that you’d rather help every fucking person you thought needed you. Who the fuck does that?”

 

He squeezed my hands and then let them go to slide his arms up and wrap them around me loosely. I felt safe, with his muscular body wrapped around me and I let him pull me in closer.

 

“You think your momma helped shape who you are,” he said. “You think that’s why you are the way you are. But that ain’t because of her, Shae.” 

 

I shifted to face him, my body tense. His words were making me uneasy and I pulled away slightly. He kept his arms wrapped around me, his grip firm, but gentle, as he continued studying me.

 

“Chill, I ain’t saying she wasn’t a good mama to you or nothing,” he said, and I just eyed him. “I’m saying you kept being that person even after she died. You didn’t give up on that part of yourself that gave a shit about people.”

 

I relaxed, recognizing he truly wasn’t trying to offend me.  

 

“When my pops died, I cut that shit out, because I didn’t need anyone and didn’t give a fuck about other people,” he said. “Whatever I had inside me that could have been…” he paused and then shook his head. “I got rid of it. And its’ hard as shit to get it back.”

 

Erik’s tone was emotionless, and I was struck with thought that he was proving his point. No matter how many sessions or rehabilitative practices he may go through, there may always be a wound in Erik’s heart.

 

Just like there was one in mine.

 

“But, I'm trying. Hard as shit and some days I really don’t give a fuck,” he muttered.

 

“Because you think you have to?” I asked, and he shook his head.

 

“Nah. Just tired of feeling lost,” he said, and I felt something stir in me. “Ain’t you?”

 

How could I not accept the metaphorical hand he was extending? In a certain way, Erik had more experience in this, from this side of recovery. I had been so focused on what I could do for him and so eager to shield him from my own pain and issues. Had that been arrogant of me to assume that we couldn’t grow and heal together? 

  
“You seem so eager to save N’Jadaka, but you have not thought to ask him to save you,” I said softly, and he frowned in confusion. “Bast told me that.”

 

“Ah yeah?” he said and raised a brow.

 

I nodded and took a deep breath.

 

“I think I owe you an apology,” I said and raised a hand. “And before you say anything, just hear me out, ok?”

 

He just looked at me and I took it as my cue to continue.

 

“I still remember when you told me that you weren’t one of my patients and I can’t fix you. And you were right and it took me a while to finally let go of what I thought that meant.”

 

I had shifted out of his lap and sat cross-legged in front of him, holding his gaze steadily.

 

“And when we moved in together and I got settled into my job and you dived into yours, I guess…. I guess I just shifted my view on how I thought I could help you. I was so proud of the progress you were making and how you seemed to be settling in more with your work and responsibilities.”

 

I frowned and shook my head.

 

“Sorry, that came out kind of patient-y, didn’t it? I just mean that… you were so amazing at…”

 

“I got it,” Erik said, and I let out a relieved sigh. “I know what you meant.”

 

“Right, well. Like I was saying, I shifted my view and I realized that I wasn’t worrying about you anymore. Not like that. I had come to accept all parts of you and you shared everything with me, so I wasn’t stressing about not knowing something about you or having some huge bombshell drop on me.”

 

Erik’s lips quirked slightly at that and he drew one leg up to rest his arm on it. I arched a brow at him and he waved a hand for me to continue.

 

“Ok. So anyway, it’s like, my mind was able to just, not have that stress to deal with. I’m not saying you’re stressful. I mean you can be a bit much sometimes and really, that nigga mentality does come out sometimes…”

 

“Watch it,” he growled. “If you just gonna start talking shit…”

 

“No,” I said, cutting him off. “No, that’s not what I meant. I’m just saying that I didn’t have to worry about us anymore. I was comfortable in the knowledge that we love each other and that you were ok.”

 

I paused and then let out a deep breath.

 

“And that was great, but I started getting worried that I was going to be the one to mess it up. I thought that you’d start noticing things about me that you wouldn’t like and that maybe you’d get tired of dealing…”

 

Erik’s eyes narrowed, and I tried to quickly amend my words.

 

“Wait, no deal isn’t the word. Um…you’d, shit, I don’t know….”

 

I stopped again and he waited, letting me recollect my thoughts.

 

“Ok, let me try this. I accept that there is a big part of me that…that still has issues with how my mom died. She was the most important person in my life at the time and I didn’t…. I wasn’t there for her when she died.”

 

Saying it out loud again was making it easier to recognize how tied to the belief I was. I didn’t want it anymore, didn’t want that to become the only connection I had of my mother.

 

“And you’re the most important person to me now, so there’s a lot there. And then I’m not… I’ve never been in this type of relationship either…and there’s just a lot of other baggage that I just did not want to share with you.”

 

I was looking down at my lap, twisting the napkin that I was still holding from earlier.

 

“It felt unfair, especially because it seemed that maybe you were at a good place in your life? And honestly, I thought it was getting easier for me to deal with, but something about hearing those kids’ problems and what people there are going through, I kept thinking ‘Shae, this is not that deep.’ I mean, my hang ups just seem like small, insignificant…”

 

“Don’t feel that way though, does it?”  

 

I looked up at him and he titled his head.

 

“Your hang-ups bother you?” he asked, and I shrugged slightly. “Nah, don’t do that. Answer the question.”

 

 Was I bothered that I felt I wasn’t good enough sometimes? Was I bothered that I felt I was trapped in a cycle of feeling mature and capable and then meeting the same emotional roadblocks as the people I counseled? Was I bothered that there was a part of me that worried that one day, Erik would realize he didn’t want me anymore?

 

“Yes,” I said softly. “It bothers me.”

 

“Then we gonna deal with that shit,” he said simply.

 

“But I’m trying to tell you that it’s hard for me to…”

 

“You got my back?” he asked, cutting me off. His face was serious, dark brown eyes locked with mine. “Whatever happens you gonna be there for me?”

“Of…”

 

“Nah, think before you answer,” he said. “Don’t say what you think I want to hear.”

 

I stopped and furrowed my brows at him. He just looked back at me and I sighed.

 

I wasn’t that naïve. I knew who Erik was, what he was capable of. But I also truly believed that he had grabbed ahold of his destiny and was determining what he was going to do with his life. And I would be there for him, every step of the way. It may not always be easy, but I was fine with that life.

 

“Yes,” I said and made sure he heard my conviction. “Do you have mine?”

 

It felt like the obvious question to ask and he too, paused before answering. Then he grinned, his golden canines glinting.

 

“Never doubt it, princess,” he said and nudged me gently under the chin. “And that means we gonna deal with our shit together.”

 

I felt myself smile and shook my head. And just like that we were shifting into another phase of the relationship. Except it looked like I was going to be the one struggling through.

 

“New territory?” I asked, and he nodded. “Could be pretty frustrating, you know. I’m pretty stubborn.”

 

“For real? Shit, I didn’t know that.”

 

I squinted at him and nudged his knee. He smirked at me.

 

“Don’t be sarcastic, I’m serious,” I said. “I don’t want to make things hard for you.”

 

Erik just gave me a look and I sighed.

 

“Well, how do we do this?” I asked. “I mean it’s not going to be an overnight type of thing.”

 

“Do it your way,” he said, and I tilted my head at him. “I ask you something, you tell me. I don’t ask you something, you still tell me. Even if you think I don't want to know, you tell me.”

I stared at him and then groaned.

 

“God, I really do make you do all that, don’t I?” I asked, and he chuckled. 

 

Erik was may more closed off than I had been. Now that our roles were flipped, I realized how much work he had been putting in to meet my requests. My face softened as I gazed at him, the realization sinking in. I shifted and moved back into his arms and wrapped my arms around his neck.

 

“I’ll try,” I said. “I just ask that you be patient with me, ok? I know it may seem like stupid shit sometimes, but I’ll try to tell you about it.”

 

If Erik had done all of that for me, the very least I could do was try to do the same for him. I didn’t expect for us to become problem free, but I felt I was getting a better grasp of what Erik meant.

 

I was tired of dealing with my problems alone and if I really believed in us, the least I could do is trust him to share my burdens, just like he trusted me to do the same with him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	23. Chapter 23

“And you just take one pill?” I asked, gazing down at the shimmering blue  pill skeptically.

 

“Yes,” the nurse responded patiently. She had scanned me with her kimoyo beads and had thrown the screen up on her tablet.

 

“And you don’t have to take another one for how long?” I prompted, tilting the pill in the light.

 

“Six months,” she said, tapping through screens. I stared at her in shock and lowered the pill.

 

“Six months?” I repeated, and she nodded. “And what’s the rate of success?”

 

She glanced up at me and smiled slightly.

 

“If your desire to conceive a child, I would not recommend taking the pill. It will ensure that you will be unable to conceive until you are off your rotation.”

  
I blinked and looked at the pill and back at her.

 

“How quickly does it take effect?” I asked

 

“The pill requires a few hours to take effect.”

 

I eyed it, my American mind still suspicious. The nurse returned tapping at her screen.

 

“What about when you want to have kids? How long does it take for the effects to wear off?”

 

“That will depend on the method and how long a woman has been on birth control,” she replied. “The most has been a few months for it wear out of their systems.”

 

I eyed her and she smiled at me.

 

“So, say ten women take this pill, out of those ten women, who will accidentally conceive?”

 

“Zero” she said patiently, and I raised my brows. “There are always a few outliers, of course.”

 

“And they only take it every six months?” I asked again and she gave me another nod. “How did you come up with this?”

 

“Kimoyo beads are given to a citizen at birth and monitors all individuals’ health data and vitals. From this we have built a wealth of medical knowledge that has been utilized in an array of medical treatments and procedures. Our female scientists and health care professionals have worked to develop birth control options that are as effective as they are un-intrusive for women.”

 

“All in this pill,” I said and she hummed.

 

“We have other options, all safe, if you prefer?” she asked.

 

“No, I’ll stick to what I know,” I said. Sort of knew. “And it helps regulate your period too?”

 

“For some women, they cease to have a period until they stop taking it. Others have lighter periods with traditional symptoms also being mild. There have been very few cases that it has caused erratic hormonal or severe reactions.”

 

“Shut the fuck up,” I said and then gasped, horrified. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean that!”

 

The nurse merely chuckled and waved a hand. I let out a sigh and gave another look at the blue shimmering pill in my palm.

 

“And how much does it cost?” I asked. “I mean, I don’t have health insurance here, so I would have to pay out of pocket.”

 

I readied myself for what would likely be an expensive price tag. 

 

“Cost?” she asked and furrowed her brows at me. It was the first break in her pleasantly calm mask.

 

“Yeah,” I said. “If I take this pill how much will the bill be?”

  
“Ah,” she said and smiled at me. “Wakanda has free health care.”

 

Of course, they did. I popped the pill and accepted the glass of water she handed me. She lifted my wrist and with a movement of her fingers, a screen appeared.

 

“I have transferred your updated medical information to your kimoyo beads,” she said. “I have also scheduled a reminder for your next dose for your convenience.”

 

I had been scheduled for a check in, to make sure there were no other lingering injuries or ailments. I had also been gifted a pair of kimoyo beads and had even got a physical to update my information. Erik was still helping me figure out how to work the beads, but I had felt extremely honored that I was bestowed a pair.

 

“Thank you,” I said, smiling at her. “Sorry for all the annoying questions.”

 

She waved a hand dismissively and smiled at me.

 

“I do not mind,” she said. “And remember, we are always here to help!”

 

__________________________

 

“He’s probably going to be busy all day, huh?” I asked Ayo a few moments later.

 

I hadn’t seen Erik since this morning and Ayo had been assigned to me as my guide. She had led me to the medical facilities in the palace and had waited patiently during my exam.

 

“Yes,” Ayo responded. “With Kumkani’s absence, Prince N’Jadaka will be working with the Queen Mother to handle daily business.”

 

“I see,” I said. “I guess he’s getting his taste of being King, huh?”

 

I had asked the joke rhetorically and then winced. I should know better than to joke like that. I peeked at Ayo, but there was a quirk to her lips.

 

“Where do you wish to go, until His Grace returns?” she asked and I was relieved that I hadn’t upset her.

 

“Oh,” I said and glanced out of the large glass windows that showed the beautiful city below. “Could we go into the city?”

 

Ayo paused, and I turned to her curiously.

 

“Perhaps it would be best to wait for His Grace,” she said. “There are some who are not accustomed to the idea of outsiders yet.”

 

Her words were diplomatic, and I felt my shoulders slump. It made sense in a way. Wakanda had been extremely isolationist for centuries. Even though the King was eager to take a new direction, it didn’t mean that the citizens were just as eager.

 

“What about the participants in Wakanda’s summer program?” I asked. “Where are they going to stay when they get here?”

 

“There are villas that have been pre-selected for them during their tenure here.”

 

Ayo and I turned to the new voice and I saw a woman approach. She smiled at Ayo and the Dora returned it with a nod.

 

“Amina,” Ayo said and gestured to me. “This is Shae Anderson.”

 

“Ah,” Amina said and gave me a courteous smile. “It is nice to meet you, Shae. I am Amina and one of the coordinators of the Wakandan Summer Program.”

 

“Oh,” I said and accepted the hand she extended , “nice to meet you too.”

 

“I will take it from here, Ayo,” Amina said to the Dora with a smile.

 

“Very well. Shae,” Ayo said to me as a farewell and I smiled at her.

 

“I must apologize,” Amina said when Ayo had turned the corner. “I have been busy with preparations for the summer program or I would have come sooner.”

 

“That’s ok,” I said and gave her a weak smile. “I wasn’t aware I was supposed to be looking out for you.”

 

Amina gave a small laugh.

 

“Yes, I am at fault for that as well. You see, King T’Challa informed me that you would be staying in the palace and would likely need someone who could assist you during your time here. I know that Prince N’Jadaka has likely been too busy working in his stead to attend to you properly.”

 

“Yeah,” I sighed. “I’m always used to Erik being busy in a way. And then I really got into my own work and we both were busy. I was actually finishing up a vacation when….well, when events led me here.”

 

We had continued our walk and Amina hummed thoughtfully.

 

“Yes, I have been made aware of that,” she said, and I sighed. “That bothers you?”

 

“Seems everyone knows the story,” I muttered.

 

“A story that was spread out of concern and not ridicule,” she assured me. “I have also heard you have been visiting with Safia?”

 

“Yes,” I said, smiling. “Safia has been helping me work through some things. She’s very kind and very wise.”

 

“She is,” Amina said, with a fond smile. “There is a lot of respect for her within the community. Safia has taken her trauma and turned it into a way that emboldens her to help others.”

 

“That’s why she’s an inspiration to me,” I said. “I hope that I can overcome my own problems to become better.”

 

“If that is the case,” Amina replied. “Then you must find a way to become an inspiration to yourself. Only then will you be able to achieve the things you set out to do.”

 

I paused and blinked at her. She grinned at me.

 

“I may have sit in on a lecture led by Safia once or twice,” she said. “Such messages tend to linger.”

 

I found myself returning her grin. I was going to like Amina, I think.

 

_______________________

 

Despite having the whole palace to explore, I found myself eager to return to the library. Amina pointed out that it was just one of three libraries housed in the palace and noted that education and knowledge was extremely important in Wakandan culture. Primary, secondary and higher education were all free in Wakanda as well.

 

Closed off or not, Wakanda definitely knew how to care for its citizens.

 

“Are you sure you are content to spend your time here?” she asked, watching as I got comfortable in one of the private reading rooms. My pile of books had been left for me and I wondered who knew not to shelve them.

 

“Yep,” I said smiling at her. “Sorry, if I’m a boring tourist.”

 

She chuckled.

 

“No, I admire your intellectual curiosity,” she said. “If you need anything, you know how to call me?”

 

“Yes?” I said hesitantly.

 

She gave me a good-natured smile and then showed me how to call someone using my kimoyo beads. She waited until I could practice the motions and successfully called her beads. I felt extremely tech savy, even if I knew I hadn’t even scratched the surface of my beads capabilities.

 

“Good,” she said when her beads beeped. “As you know there are stations that provide fresh fruits and other snacks if you get hungry.”

 

“Right,” I said. “And if I get lost, I can pull a map up.”

 

“You know how to do that?” she prompted.

 

I showed her, and she nodded, pleased. Erik had made sure I knew that one. 

 

“I’ll leave you to it,” she said and with a parting smile left me to entertain myself.

 

___________________

 

“I swear I will fucking kill that nigga, if I ever, _ever_ , see him,” Alisha seethed. “Putting his fucking hands on you…”

 

“Beating,” Monica interjected, sounding just as furious. “Fucking bitch ass niggas tryin’ to act all bold…”

 

“Right, like hitting a woman makes them something. I tell you right now, if I had been there…”

 

I had been making my rounds of phone calls, considering I had left the country so suddenly. Alisha and Monica had been first and as soon as I had told them what had happened they had devolved into listing out very creative ways they would exact vengeance on my behalf.

 

“Guys,” I interjected. “It’s all good. I’m fine, everyone’s safe.”

 

“All good? Fuck, Shae, this is what I’ve been telling you,” Alisha said. “Someone comes at you like that and it’s all good? Nah, you need to learn girl, shit like that don’t slide. He can’t just….”

 

“Erik handled it,” I said cutting her off.

 

They both grew quiet for a moment. They had both known Erik was a former Marine and that he had combat skills. How adept he was at such arts, well, I kept that to myself. Like Erik said, it wasn't really their business.

 

“Oh,” Monica said finally. “Your man fuck him up, Shae?”

 

“I don’t know,” I admitted. “I wasn’t exactly conscious when it happened.”

 

“Shit, good thing too,” Alisha commented. “You’d probably try and talk him out of it.”

 

Erik said the same thing. And technically, I did talk him down a bit.

 

“Being forgiving isn’t a bad thing,” I said softly.

 

“And you forgive that guy?” Monica asked. She genuinely curious. “Just like that, you’re not mad anymore?”

 

“No, of course not,” I said. “I got the benefit of not living with the injuries, but I still remember it happening.”

 

I sighed and rubbed a hand on my brow.

 

“I’m working on it because I want to let it go for me and not him. I don’t want to carry anything around with me except for healthy caution.”

 

“Ok, very mature,” Alisha said sincerely. “But do you know how many niggas get a pass with that type of mentality? And black women especially, have to carry an extra burden because not only do we have to deal with their burdens, but our trauma too.”

 

“My cousin stayed in an abusive relationship for five years because she didn’t want to send another black man to jail,” Monica added. “She thought that being strong meant taking the abuse because of what might happen when she let him go.”

 

“Sometimes they don’t have that option,” I said. “Ms. Lockey? She’s Malik’s mother and has called the police on Reggie a few times. By the time they showed up Reggie was either gone or things had calmed down. Even with bruises on her face they told her there was nothing they could do.”

 

“Damn, that’s fucked up,” Alisha muttered.

 

We grew silent and I gazed out the window, trying to find comfort in the flourishing view.

 

“I’m not giving anyone a pass,” I said finally. “But I also know who I am as a person. I don’t think being compassionate is a weakness, but I am learning that I will need to readjust my thinking on a few things. As much as I like it to be, people don’t act for the reasons or in the ways we think they should. I always applied it to other people and I’m realizing that I need to apply that to me too.”

  
“Which means?” Monica asked.

 

“It means that I can’t plan my reactions to things. And I have to take in account that there are situations where I truly won’t know how I’ll respond until they happen. Things aren’t as black and white and easily solved as I thought.”

 

My outburst with Safia had only been yesterday, but I felt like I was taking control of a part of myself I had ignored for a long time. It was going to be hard, but it was like a new determination was in me. I didn’t feel like I had to deal with them anymore. At least not alone.

 

“Sounds like you’ve been doing a lot of thinking,” Alisha said.

 

“Yeah. There’s a woman named Safia who is like, an expert, in things like this. A lot of her focus is handling people who are recovering from trauma and the mental impacts it has on them.”

 

I shifted in my seat slightly.

 

“And she laid into me. Not in a bad way, but it was like she found a way to get me to look at all the things I had locked away. She just has this aura to her that makes you want to open up and tell her everything that’s been bothering you.”

 

“Oh, I don’t want to meet her then,” Monica said jokingly. “I prefer my shit locked up, thank you very much.”

 

We laughed, and I shook my head.

  
“Trust me, it sucks but I think that it’ll be good in the long run. And I really feel it’s gonna make my relationship with Erik get stronger.”

 

Time could only tell.

 

“Speaking of relationships, how about your wedding, Alisha?”

 

Alisha groaned and I raised my brows at that reaction.

 

“Oh that doesn’t sound good,” I said.

 

“Yeah, right?” Monica added. “What, don’t tell me the nigga changed his mind?”

 

“Girl, bye,” Alisa said. “No, it’s the fucking caterer. They deciding to change their prices every fucking week. Then the venue is booked on the original date, even though I put a down payment months in advance. Damn near thinking about changing  places because of that. Now I gotta push the date back.”  


“Well, that’s more time to prepare,” I said soothingly.  “I can still help out, you know.”

 

“Yeah, I know,” she said. “When do you plan to come back to the States?”

 

“That’s a good question,” I said. “I'm not exactly sure. It wasn’t exactly planned, me coming here.”

 

It was getting close to my trip to London and Erik still planned to come with me. But given how busy he was and the mission, I wondered if that would be pushed back too.

 

I wasn’t homesick yet and I felt I was only getting a taste of what Wakanda had to offer. I didn’t want to go back home and was happy to confirm my desire to see more of the world. But I knew I would miss our loft and the Center and kids eventually.

 

“I still feel a certain kind of way that you won’t give me the King’s number,” Monica huffed.

 

“Monica, I’m pretty sure that’d be breaking some sort of security protocol,” I said.

 

“Ok, look. All I’m saying is, next time he visits you, just hit a sister up so she can come down there,” Monica said. “Just a ‘hey Monica, that fine ass King is here’ or something like that.”

 

Alisha snorted and I shook my head.

 

“I think he’s interested in someone already,” I said and Monica kissed her teeth.

 

“Interested? That don’t sound like commitment to me,” she teased and I groaned. “Aight fine, but I’m just saying if he ain’t with no one when I meet him, it’s on.”

 

“Monica, you a trip,” Alisha said, laughing. “Shae, you really all good there?”

  
“Yeah,” I said. “I woke up and my injuries were gone.”

 

“How the fuck do they do it?” Monica wondered.  “Like magic or something.”

 

“Yeah, that’s what I said,” I told them. “Did you know that they have a birth control pill that you only need to take every six months? With no hormonal side effects and the success rate is like, really high.”

 

“Shut the fuck up,” Monica gasped and Alisha made a noise of surprise.

 

“That’s what I said too!”

 

_______________________

 

“Wakanda, huh?” Layla said, excitement in her voice. “I guess that’s the silver lining out of all that shit went down, huh?”

 

She was second on my list of phone calls. After hanging up with Alisha and Monica, I had grabbed a snack to eat and then called my cousin to give her an update.

 

“Yeah,” I said, biting into a sweet mango. “That’s how I’m trying to look at it.”

 

“It’s still pretty fucked up, but I’m glad you’re ok,” she said.

 

Layla’s response was more muted, but her concern was still there. After all, we both remember the bruises on Ty or Aunt Melba. I hadn’t always been a witness or victim of it, but I had glimpses of the effects of violence.

 

“Thanks,” I said and wiped mango juice away with a napkin. “I wanted to ask if it’s ok if I come a little later? I’m thinking, or at least hoping, Erik’s work won’t take him longer than a week or two.”

 

“Sure, we’re pretty flexible,” Layla said. “I still can’t get over the fact that you’re dating a Prince, though. And you act so humble about it.”

 

I smiled and selected a fried plantain to try.

 

“Why not be humble? Erik’s the one who’s royalty, not me.”

 

“Yeah, but flaunt that shit, you know? It’s gotta come with some amazing ass perks, right? Wakanda is what, the richest country in the nation? Show out!”

 

Kelewele was the name of this particular snack and I savored the burst of spices on my tongue. They were delicious.

 

“I guess I just feel weird about it sometimes,” I said, trying not to sound like I had a mouthful. “I’ve always taken care of myself and I know he wants to spoil me, I just…I don’t want to be dependent on anyone if I don’t have to. We clash about it sometimes because I know he wants to spoil me.”

 

Layla hummed thoughtfully.

 

“I don’t think it’s being dependent,” she said. “Take me and Abbey. She was the one who had her own pub and was making the money. When I moved out here, I started working with her and then we were making money together. Sure, we rely on the business to afford things and are lucky that business is good enough to support ourselves.  But if I had to, I could walk away from the business and be able to take care of myself. I know it’s not on the same scale, but Abbey and I work together to make it work. Does that make sense?”

 

“You’re saying that you feel confident that you can take care of yourself without relying on Abbey’s business?” I asked.

 

“Right,” she said. “In your case, do you think that if you had to, you could support yourself without his money?”

 

I knew I could live off my salary. Not to the height of luxury that Erik wanted to give me though, but that was fine with me. 

 

“Yes,” I said. “If I had to, I could live comfortably on my own.”

 

“And do you ask him to give you things or does he want to do it himself?”

 

“He wants to spoil me all on his own,” I said.

 

“Ok. Then, do you think that your relationship relies on him spoiling you? Like do you think that if he didn’t, how you two feel about each other would vastly change?”

 

“No,” I said, shaking my head. “No, my love for Erik has nothing to do with whether he can give me stuff or not.”

 

“Because you both are making sure your needs are met, needs that you can take care of independent from one another if it came down to it. The gifts are just a side bonus that has no real detriment to your relationship.”

 

Oh, Layla was good. I hadn’t spoken about a lot of topics like this with her, but I was impressed with her insightfulness.

 

“But I don't want to become so spoiled that it does,” I said. “That’s what happens right? You get accustomed to living a certain way and if something happens, it puts a strain on the relationship.”

 

Layla snorted, and I blinked.

 

“Shae, it sounds like you are pretty good at checking yourself on things. If it comes down to it, and it’s a problem, I can see you talking to him about it. And that’s what you do. One, try not to let things get like that and two, if it does just talk about it. Ok, Miss Therapist?”

  
“Hmph,” I said, and she laughed. “Well thanks a lot. I’m sure Erik would love that you’re trying to convince me to let him spoil me.”

 

“Ay, no problem,” she said, still laughing. “Tell him he can buy me a yacht if he’s really grateful. I don’t know why, but I’ve always wanted a yacht.”

 

The funny thing is, I feel like Erik could probably afford that and not even bat an eye.

 

_________________________  


“So you saying Wakanda just made your injuries just disappear, just like that?”

 

I smiled at the image of Malik on the tablet I had been given. I had read through my first book and eaten a light lunch when I finally got to my last round of calls. I decided to give Malik a video call, hoping that he could see for himself that I was healed.

 

“Yep,” I said. “Although they didn’t disappear, they healed. Shuri tried explaining it to me, but I’m not really a close follower of nanotechnology.”

 

“For real?” he asked, his eyes sweeping over my face. “And you don’t feel no pain or nothing?”

 

“Nope,” I said. “Nothing at all.”

 

I was touched that he was concerned and wished I had called him sooner.

 

“How’s your mom?” I asked. “And Elle and Roland?”

 

“They good,” he said. “We kept them upstairs until he was gone. Charlie took momma to the hospital and they said she just got some bruising.”

 

I nodded and bit my lip. I felt guilty that while my injuries had been healed, Ms. Lockey still had to carry hers around. It didn’t seem fair.

 

“Ay, don’t get all upset, ok?” Malik said, reading my expression. “Momma said her bills got paid for and so were her prescriptions. And she told me to tell you to not worry about her, ok?”

 

I hesitated before sighing.

 

“Ok,” I said. “I’ll try. I don’t like it, but I’ll try. If she or you guys need anything….”

 

“Yeah, E told us,” he said. “He said he got us and we ain’t got to worry about my pops anymore.”

 

Malik was looking offscreen now, seemingly holding up his phone with one hand. He didn’t say anything, but I recognized that tense look on his face. He wanted to say something but was just figuring out how he wanted to say it. I waited patiently, giving him his time.

 

“My pops is fucked up,” he said after another moment. “His pops was fucked up to. Momma told me about how mean my granddad was before he died. She thinks that’s why pops drinks so much.”

 

He was still staring off screen, brows furrowed.

 

“I just think it’s a nigga excuse to keep being mean,” he muttered. “I don’t want to be like him or my granddad, Miss Shae. Stupid and mean. I’m sick of this shit, sick of feeling like I ain’t got nothing or no one.”

 

The screen was shaking slightly, and I knew his foot was likely tapping the floor rapidly. He must have realized this because he abruptly stopped.

 

“Seeing my pops and how he was on you like that? And then what E said about him following me around?” he said and shook his head. “Nah, fuck that. I don’t want nothing to do with him. I’m already looking out for Momma and Elle and Roland, we don’t need him.”

 

He pushed out a breath and then glanced at me.   
  
“I got accepted into Howard University,” he said, and I gasped. “Nakia said that since I completed the mentor program they’re gonna give me a full-ride to go, for everything.”

 

“Oh my god, Malik, that’s amazing!” I cried, smiling brightly. “I’m so proud of you, you’re going to do so well!”

 

“Yeah?” he asked and there was a slight tilt to his lips.

 

“Yes,” I confirmed. “You’re making your own choices and that’s all you can do sometimes. And now look at you? Getting a full ride to college? That’s awesome.”

 

“If I had shot my pops, I wouldn’t be able to go,” he said.

 

I understood then what his words meant. He had been leading up to it, but Malik was starting to realize how choices impact us, even into the unseen future.

 

“Yeah,” I agreed softly. “That choice would have led you down a different path.”

 

“You can say jail, Miss Shae,” he said dryly.

 

“I’m trying to be eloquent, Malik, don’t ruin it for me.”

 

He rolled his eyes at me, but the grin was wider now. Then his face resettled into a serious expression.

 

“Thanks,” he said, meeting my gaze. “For asking E to talk to me and stuff. I mean, I know my pops beat you real bad and I don’t get how you didn’t let me, but…”

 

He pushed out a breath and rubbed the back of his neck.

 

“Thanks for always looking out for me, Miss Shae.”

 

I felt tears well in my eyes and he groaned.

 

“Aw man, don’t cry, ok?” he pleaded and I waved a hand.  “Come on, Miss Shae.”

 

“Ay, you talking to Miss Shae?”

 

Avery pushed his way into the scope of the camera and grinned at me.

 

“Yo, what up, Miss Shae?” he asked, then frowned. “Damn nigga, why you make her cry?”

 

Malik tugged the phone back and shot Avery a glare.

 

“Shit, I didn't do it she just got all emotional and shit.”

 

“You made Miss Shae cry?”

  
It was Alani who was pushing into the screen now. Then suddenly she snatched the phone and paced quickly away.

 

“You want me to get him, Miss Shae?” she asked seriously. “I know E ain’t here but I’ll get him for making you cry.”

 

I was smiling at their antics, my former tears forgotten. 

 

“I’m fine, Alani,” I said, and she smiled.

 

“Shit, Alani, give me my fucking phone back!”

 

“Language,” she called back and I laughed.  “Where you at, Miss Shae?”

 

“Wakanda,” I said and turned the tablet to the view outside. “Can you see the city?”

 

“Yes,” she squealed. “Yo, check this out! Miss Shae’s in Wakanda!”

 

Malik let out an aggravated sigh as his phone was commandeered by his peers. I kept smiling as I answered the eager questions, noting that Kiki and a few others had shown up as well.

 

Maybe I was going to miss the kids sooner than I thought.

 

_________________________

 

 

A hand nudged me gently, pushing me towards the first wave of consciousness. When I didn’t open my eyes, I was nudged again, a bit more firmly. I squinted and then realized that the natural light had been replaced with the softer lights of the automatic lamps of the study room.

 

Nakia sat perched on the arm rest of my chair, a smile on her face.

 

“Nakia,” I said with surprise. “What are you doing here?”

 

I sat up and then grimaced, noticing a stiffness in my neck and shoulders. I had fallen asleep in an awkward position in the chair. The book I had been reading had fallen to the floor when I had dozed off.

 

“I was told I could find you here,” she said and inclined her head. “Have you been in here all day?”

 

“Pretty much,” I admitted and winced, realizing I couldn’t straighten my neck without it hurting.

 

“Here,” she said and moved towards me. Her hands rested on either side of my neck and she twisted it with a quick, sharp motion. She did it so fast I didn’t get a chance to protest. “Better?”

 

I rolled my shoulders and felt no shooting pains.

 

“Yeah,” I said, rubbing the back of my neck. “What did you do?”

 

“There are seven vertebrae that form the cervical spine,” she said. “Those would be considered the vertebrae of your neck. If you know how, you can realign one to ease neck pain.”

  
I eyed her, still rubbing my neck. It wasn’t lost on me that the implication was that she could do more than realign someone’s neck.

 

“Thanks,” I said. “Just so you know, you can be just as scary as Erik.”

 

She grinned and didn’t argue with it. Bad ass spies with their secret skills.

 

“I wanted to give you this,” she said and handed me a manila envelope. “As I have been called in to prep for the mission, I thought it’d be the best time to bring it to you.”

 

It was Erik’s mother’s ring and I gasped in delight. His birthday was quickly approaching, and I was only relieved that we would be celebrating it before their mission. I hadn’t expected it, but I felt that celebrating his birth in Wakanda was a wonderful change of plans.

 

“Thank you, Nakia, you’re the best!” I cried and tugged her into a hug. “I was trying to figure out how to get this here.”

 

“You are welcome,” she said patting my back lightly. “And I believe I have you to thank.”

 

I sat back and looked at her curiously.

 

“I heard you played a role for me being chosen for this mission,” she said, a brow raising.

 

Was she angry? T’Challa had been right when he said Nakia was thriving in Oakland. Maybe she was irritated that she had to leave, my good intentions be damned.

 

“O-oh,” I stammered. “Well, yeah, at the time I thought about it because you were the first bad ass person who came to mind, you know? And then I thought that maybe it’d be your chance to reconnect with Jenna because you mentioned you would like to and I really wasn’t trying to…”

 

“It’s fine,” she said, grinning at me. “I am not angry at you. I am actually quite pleased that I will be going.”

 

Her grin slipped and she shook her head.

 

“I was given the details of the mission and what almost happened to Jenna. I am glad T’Challa was there to help her.”

 

Turns out that while T’Challa had been considering visiting Chicago, the man that Erik questioned had been spotted at the airport by one of the Wardogs that was stationed there. They immediately notified T’Challa and he, with Okoye’s help, had decided to handle the situation themselves. The group had been in the process of successfully capturing Jenna. A suppressant collar had been placed on her and they had one of her friends to ensure her compliance. As fortune had it, Okoye and T’Challa got there right in time and rescued them.

 

“Yeah,” I said, nodding. “Erik filled me in. It’s kind of weird though because this is the first mission where I’ve actually got all the details or at least know what’s going on.”

 

“How is that?” she asked. “Do you find yourself preferring not to know?”

 

I hummed and tilted my head in thought.

 

“Honestly? Not really. There’s something about knowing what he’s doing, even though it can be dangerous, that makes me feel better. And knowing he’s kicking ass and why, well, that kind of gets me pumped up for him to go, you know? Is that weird?”

 

“No,” Nakia said. “You are rooting for him to succeed and knowing makes you feel involved.”

 

“Yeah,” I said nodding. “That about sums it up. I hope this means it can stay this way. I feel like I’m in a trial period or something.”

 

“Well you are doing well, so if this is a test, I would say it’s a success,” she teased, and I grinned at her. “I am sure you and N’Jadaka will grow closer if it does continue.”

 

I hoped so. I was shifting into new territory again, but this time, I wasn’t afraid to make that leap. I trusted in my relationship with Erik too much to

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Kelewele, or spicy fried plaintains, is the snack that Shae eats in this chapter. It is a popular Ghanaian dish and can be served as a side dish or snack. To learn more, check out this website, which I found. Always be eager to learn more about the world around you! Source: https://www.demandafrica.com/food/recipes/kelewele-ghana-spicy-fried-plantains/


	24. Chapter 24

 

My fingers dug into the bedding as I rocked my hips backward, eagerly seeking my next release. I moaned as Erik bit down on my neck, before soothing the bite with his tongue.  I was lying on my side, Erik’s grip firm on my raised leg, and his hips rocked into me from behind. My lips fell open in ecstasy, my throat feeling raw from the shrieks he had already pulled from me.

 

“There you go,” he praised at a particularly loud cry. “Come on, baby girl.”  

 

My stomach clenched, and I threw my head back as I came, letting out a ragged groan when he kept moving. He used his other hand to tilt my head towards him, lips claiming mine in a passionate kiss. I only pulled away when my lungs protested for air, and Erik kept his loose grip around my neck as he redoubled his efforts. My ass slapped against his pelvis with each push and I could only whimper as he sought his own release.

 

“N’Jadaka,” I moaned. “It feels so good, ‘Daka.”

 

Erik froze, chest heaving behind me. Then he moved us suddenly, pulling out of me. I was confused for only a brief second before he rolled me onto my back. There was a hunger in his dark eyes as gazed down at me and drew my hips towards him.

 

“Say that again,” he growled.

 

I only gazed up at him, panting slightly and he looked slightly amused at my expression. Then he plunged into me and I cried out, my legs quickly wrapping around his waist.

 

“Call me that again, Shae,” he commanded with a harsh slap to my thigh.  

 

I tried, but he was rolling his hips just right and it was hard for me to focus on anything. My back arched, and I let out another cry when he pushed in deep. He grabbed one of my legs and draped it over his shoulder, changing his angle.

 

“Erik,” I cried, tugging at the sheets. “Oh fuck.”

 

“Nah, that ain’t it,” he said. “Say my name, baby girl.”

 

His hand tightened around my ankle, his other hand dragging my hips to meet each brutal thrust.

 

“N’Jadaka,” I moaned, feeling how close I was. “N’Jadaka.”

 

“Fuck, that’s it,” he groaned and rolled his hips. “Again.”

 

“N’Jadaka,” I breathed out, my body trembling. “Please, N’Jadaka.”

 

He released my leg and leant over me, bracing himself above me. He titled his head down and I accepted the kiss he offered me. He sunk down on top of me, hips still rolling. I moaned his name between kisses and his strokes became uneven, stuttering with each groan that fell from his lips. I reached my hands up and dug my fingers into his lower back and I felt my legs begin to shake.

 

“Right there,” I moaned. “Yes, please, right there.”

 

His dick was hitting that swollen spot inside me and I all I could do was moan helplessly beneath him. Two more deep thrusts and I finally found my release, my back arching. My hands flew to grip his hard biceps, trying to anchor myself as my body spasmed beneath him. My walls squeezed him tight and his hands clenched into my silk pillow.

 

His head was tilted upwards and I leaned up to lick a long line along the tension in his neck. When I sunk my teeth into the muscle, he groaned something in Xhosa as he came. His body went rigid and I stroked my hands down his back, my lips pressing soothing kisses against the mark on his neck. He continued rocking his hips shallowly as he filled me, trying to stave of his pleasure. With another shudder, he collapsed on top of me.

 

I stroked one of my hands through his dreads gently, twisting a few around my fingers. My other hand moved to stroke along his shoulder blades and then to trace lightly down his spine. He was heavy, but just when I was going to ask him to move, he rolled off of me to lay flat on his back. I shifted to my side and snuggled close and he draped his arm over me. I let my hand stroke across his hard pectorals before coming to rest over his heart.

 

There was something exhilarating about morning sex that just put you in a good mood for the rest of the day.

 

“Happy Birthday,” I said and pressed a kiss under his jaw. “N’Jadaka.”

 

He smirked at me and titled my head up further for a proper kiss.

 

“What do you want to do today?” I asked when he pulled away.

 

His hand slid down my stomach and I wiggled when he cupped my mound.

 

“Keep this pussy wet for me,” he said and pressed a kiss to my neck. “We’ll be straight.”

 

“Erik,” I squealed when he rubbed across my clit. “We can’t have sex all day!”

 

“You’d think that, huh?” he said and rolled us over.  “Got all I want right here.”

 

He began dropping kisses along my neck, down and across my breasts, moving further down to nip at my stomach.

 

I had my plans for his birthday, as simple as they may be, and I was determined for them to happen.

 

Erik licked at my hip before biting down slightly. His fingers stroked along my inner thighs and my pussy throbbed in anticipation.

 

And I could convince him that we couldn’t spend the _whole_ day in bed.

 

Erik spread my legs and bit his lip as he gazed at the wet arousal between my legs. Then, he leant forward and placed a deep kiss to the swollen lips. 

 

Right, I’d convince him right after…

 

“Oh fuck, right there,” I moaned when began his sensual assault. “Erik…”

 

It wouldn’t hurt to give him what he wanted for a while. I mean, it was _his_ birthday after all….

 

________________________________

 

“Welcome home, T’Challa!”

 

The King smiled at me warmly and accepted the friendly hug I offered him.

 

“Thank you, Shae,” he said and patted my shoulder gently. “How have you been?”

 

I had heard T’Challa had returned to Wakanda and had hurried to find him after breakfast. Well, it was more like brunch by the time I managed to convince Erik that I was still a normal human woman and required a chance to recover. He had let me go with the heated promise that he wasn’t done with me for the day.

 

“Oh, it’s amazing here,” I enthused. “I haven’t even left the palace yet, but your country is truly wonderful.”

 

“I am glad you have been enjoying your time here,” he said and dropped his hand.

 

“So,” I said, dropping my voice and trying to whisper conspiratorially. “How is Jenna?”

 

T’Challa gave me a mild look when I waggled my brows at him.

 

“I would think you’d know already,” he said, but his lips curved slightly. “Given that you two seem eager to make each other’s acquaintances.” 

 

I grinned at that. Jenna had in fact texted me a few times, but it had more to do about what Wakanda was like. I think that she was just as nervous to come out and ask the questions she likely had about T’Challa.

 

“Oh, but we don’t talk about anything major,” I assured him. “But she is very interested in visiting Wakanda.”

 

“Yes,” he said and then just looked at me.

 

I blinked and realized he wasn’t going to give me any more than that. But there was a lightness to his eyes and the frustration I had seen in him before didn’t seem as strong.

 

“Everything will be ok, then?” I asked, feeling that he had gotten his answer.

 

“I believe it will be,” he said.  

 

I smiled at him and he inclined his head, his own smile forming.

 

“Why the fuck ya’ll smiling so hard at each other for?”

 

We both turned to see Erik, his eyes trained on his cousin. Nakia was with him and I smiled at her as they approached.

 

“We were talking about Jenna,” I told him when they reached us.

 

“Oh yeah?” Erik said, smirking at T’Challa. “How’s your girl, T?”

 

“Erik,” I scolded, glancing between T’Challa and Nakia.

  
Nakia looked amused, while the mild neutral expression had returned to T’Challa’s face. Nakia smirked at him and he became interested in staring at the carving on one of the columns in the hall.

 

“Ay, I bet you brought it up,” Erik retorted, smirking at their exchange.

 

“Yeah, well,” I mumbled and sighed. “I’m sorry, T’Challa. I feel like I’m setting you up for it and I swear I’m not trying to.”

 

“Don’t apologize to him,” Erik said. “Shit like this keeps the nigga humble.”  
  
T’Challa’s gaze slanted to Erik, who’s smirk grew wider.

 

“Perhaps you are the one who needs a bit of humbling,” T’Challa mused.

 

Erik’s eyes narrowed at him and I shook my head.

 

“The fuck that’s supposed to mean?” he demanded.

 

“I think he’s saying you can dish it,” I said, and Erik gave me a look. “But you can’t take it.”

 

“Yes, I rather like that idiom,” T’Challa said, grinning at me. “Thank you, Shae.”

 

“No problem,” I said brightly. “Oh, don’t forget…”

 

“Ah yes,” T’Challa said and clapped his hand on Erik’s arm. “Happy Birthday, cousin.”

 

Erik opened his mouth and then closed it, when I gave him a look.

 

“Thanks.”

 

“Shuri is ready for us,” Nakia said, laughter in her eyes. “She wanted to show us what she was working on for our mission.”

 

I felt a flicker of disappointment.  That sounded a lot like work that Erik would have to attend to.

  
“Wanna come?” Erik asked. I looked to see him watching me. “You ain’t been to her lab yet, right?”

 

“No,” I said, my eyes widening. “Is that ok? I mean I don’t have proper credentials or anything….”

 

“It’s fine,” T’Challa said, smiling at me. “I am sure Shuri is eager to show off her projects to a new visitor.”

 

I gave him a curious look and Nakia chuckled.

 

“She does not feel we act enthusiastically enough,” Nakia said, grinning at me. “She laments we have become hard to impress.”

 

“Oh, that won’t be a problem for me,” I said excitedly. “I’m easily impressed.”

 

_____________________

 

The Wakandan Design Group is based within Mount Bashenga and directly above what the Wakandans refer to as the “Great Mound”, which is the sole source of the world’s Vibranium.

 

It was my first time being outside the palace and I had gleefully taken in the sights as we traveled via hovercraft to Shuri’s lab. Erik had watched me in amusement as I pointed out things that he had seen before and patiently answered my slew of excited questions. He ignored T’Challa and Nakia, who were watching him with the same hint of amusement that he watched me.

 

“Bashenga?” I asked when Erik told me the name of the mountain. “That’s the first leader of Wakanda, right?”

 

T’Challa and Nakia looked at me in surprise and I grinned.

 

“I been reading a lot since I got here,” I explained. “Like a lot. It’s been fantastic.”

 

They laughed, and I smiled before turning my gaze to the giant black panther that had been intricately carved on the surface of the mountain.

 

When we reached our destination, I told myself to play it cool. I was already acting like a gawking tourist and figured reeling it back in would be best.

 

The Dora saluted T’Challa as we passed and took their posts in the hall that led into the Shuri’s lab. There were people working on various gadgets and tech at stations, wearing fashionable white uniforms. Shuri greeted T’Challa with a salute and shake, a gesture that seemed that seemed natural to the siblings. She turned to Erik with a grin.

 

“Your special day, eh?” she asked as they exchanged their own handshake.

 

“Guess so,” he said and spared me a look. I grinned at him while Shuri greeted Nakia.

 

“I was going to come looking for you, Shae,” she said, finally turning to me. “I’ve got something for you.”

 

I followed her towards a station that was lined with gadgets. She lifted a pair of black-framed glasses, with a design on the side that looked like it had been etched with symbols.

 

“I reviewed your medical history and built them based on your prescription,” she said, looking pleased. “They are made from vibranium and I applied a few functions for you too.”

 

“Functions?” I asked and she handed them to me.

 

“Well, of course,” she said. “Making a normal pair would have been boring. I know you hate wearing contacts, so I made sure to apply a corrective feature.”

 

“Corrective?”

 

“They’ll work to correct your vision over time,” she explained, and I raised my brows in surprise. “The design on the side is my design for a bit of style and then there’s video feature I’ve installed.”

 

She had swapped out my old pair and I marveled at the difference. The images were clearer than any pair I ever wore. No more scratched lenses or smudges.

 

“I know you move your glasses from the front,” she said. “So, I put the sensor on the side for you. It’s activated by a specific gesture, so you won’t do it accidentally. Try it.”

 

She showed me the gesture, tap twice and then nudge up. It was a casually specific move.

 

I imitated, and Erik’s beads light up. He tapped one of them and a projected screen that mirrored my view of Shuri in front of me appeared.

 

“Oh,” I breathed, angling the glasses and watching as they continued mirroring what I saw. “That’s so awesome!”

 

Shuri’s smile was infectious and she laughed at my expression.

 

“The footage is on a secure server, so even if N’Jadaka can’t answer, one of us can,” she said and pulled up the screen with her own beads. “We can send you messages that you can see when you’re wearing them. So, if you don’t know what to do or you’re in trouble, someone can still be there to help you.” 

 

She typed something out on the projected screen in front of her.

 

‘ _Hi Shae’_ I read the shimmering blue words that scrolled across my vision.

 

“I’ve also had it where you can respond with specific eyes movements, but I can train you on how to do that later.”

 

I felt my throat tighten and gave her a trembling smile.

  
“Eh, don’t cry, ok?” she asked, eying my expression. “It’s just some basic technology, not that big of a deal.”

 

I turned teary eyes to Erik and he nodded back towards her.

 

“Yeah, it was her idea,” he said. “Figured you’d like it.”

 

I turned back to her and before she could protest, I pulled her into a tight hug.

 

“Thank you, thank you, thank you,” I sang and she made a noise of protest, but laughter was in her voice.

 

“Ok, ok, you’re welcome,” she said and wiggled. “Ah, you’re squeezing me!”

 

“How else will you know how grateful I am?” I said, “this is so amazing, you’re so awesome, Shuri!”

 

Any time she tried to wiggle away, I’d follow, and she made squeals of protest mixed with laughter. T’Challa, Nakia and Erik watched us in amusement.

 

“N’Jadaka!” she cried, “help me!”

 

With a snort of amused laughter, Erik slipped a strong arm around my waist and tugged. I held on for a split second and then let her go. She braced a hand dramatically on her chest as she looked at me. I grinned when she scowled at me, but the laughter was still in her eyes.

 

___________________________

 

As Shuri showed them their tech for the mission, I had fun looking around and fiddling with my new glasses. I practiced making the motion effortless and conspicuous and Erik would patiently tap his beads as he listened to Shuri. Every time I got it, I send him a quick grin.

 

When I turned my attention to look around the lab, I noticed two mannequins, one with a familiar silver tooth claw necklace.

 

“I’ve seen you wear this before, “I said to T’Challa.   “I didn’t realize it was tech.  What does it do?”

 

T’Challa smiled and then suddenly, with a flicker of purple, the Black Panther suit materialized on the mannequin. 

 

“Oh,” I gasped in surprise. “How did you do that?”

 

“The suit sits within the teeth of the necklace,” Shuri explained. “He has a vibranium tattoo and he can control the suit with a thought.”

 

I made a noise of appreciation, inspecting it closer. There were lines of runes that were inscribed and I wondered what they meant. I glanced to see a larger golden tooth claw necklace on the other mannequin.

 

“What’s this one?” I asked.

 

“It’s the Golden Jaguar suit,” Shuri said and grinned. “It’s for N’Jadaka.”

 

I turned to Erik in surprise and he quirked a brow at my expression.

 

He inclined his head and with a flicker of gold, another suit appeared, materializing quickly on the mannequin. The helmet was designed with what looked like an open mouth with menacing teeth. Spots were on the top of the helmet and more discreet ones down the body. Gold designs were around the ears and eyes, waist and shoes. It was flashier and more dangerous looking than the Black Panther suit. And totally fit Erik’s vibe.

 

“You have your own suit?!” I asked. “How did I not know that?”

 

“You never asked,” he said simply, and I squinted at him.

 

_Smart ass._

 

Erik smirked at me, as if he guessed what I was I thinking.

 

“I was considering a design for Jenna,” Shuri told T’Challa. “I read through the data of her abilities and there’s so much potential there!”

 

T’Challa inclined his head for her to continue.

 

“Her abilities are energy based, yes? Well I was considering the energy redistribution of your suits. She doesn’t need to store energy, she can create it on her own. If there was a way to modify that to...”

 

“Kinectic energy ain’t the same,” Erik said, cutting her off. “She don’t need to be in motion to get it, does she?”

 

“I know that, N’Jadaka,” Shuri muttered. “I was saying that by studying her abilities I could develop another input for…”

 

“That would require experimentation, and would need her approval,” T’Challa interjected. “I understand the implications but…”

 

As they began arguing science I turned to Nakia. She was inspecting a few gadgets that were laid out on a table.

 

“Do you want a suit?” I asked her.

 

“Not really,” she said, grinning mischievously. “It’s less fun that way.”

 

I laughed at that and she gave me a wink.

 

Being more in the know was giving me a desire to be more involved. I wouldn’t consider Nakia and Shuri backup. Their involvement was more of a partnership and the way that T’Challa and Erik deferred to them on their expertise showed that.

 

“I wish I could help,” I said and Nakia looked at me curiously. “I know I don’t have the expertise like you guys but…. “

 

“We all show our strengths in different ways,” she said, smiling at me. “Perhaps you can find a way to help that emphasizes yours.”

 

What was I going to do? Provide therapy to the bad guys?

 

I don’t think anything I was good at was useful to the type of missions they’d go on. I wanted to do more, be more involved. I had gotten a glimpse into this world and was feeling eager for more.

 

“Maybe, I could go on like a small mission, you know?” I whispered to Nakia. “You could just show me small stuff, maybe?”

 

“Nah.”

 

I blinked and turned from where I had been leaning close to Nakia. Erik was frowning at me and I realized he had heard me.

 

“Nothing dangerous or anything,” I said glancing between him and T’Challa. “Just like a little thing. Oh, I could do surveillance! I’m good at people watching!”

 

“I said no, Shae,” Erik said and I frowned. “You ain’t trained for this. It’s not a game.”

 

“I know that,” I insisted. “That’s why I’m saying maybe I could learn and then…”

 

And there could be another way I could help. Not just Erik, but everyone else too.

 

“I must agree with N’Jadaka,” T’Challa said and I felt my shoulders slump. “There are too many risks in the field and you would require training.”

 

“Jenna’s going,” Shuri pointed out lightly. “She’s not trained, either.”

 

T’Challa and Erik looked at her and she shrugged. 

 

“Just saying,” she said and I nodded, feeling like she was on my side. Nakia was remaining silent but was studying me.

 

“If shit goes down,” Erik said. “Homegirl can defend herself.”

 

“Even so, I would prefer not to involve her, if I could, “T’Challa added. “It is only due to these special circumstances that she’s going at all.”

 

They were making good points, but I still felt put out. Nakia patted my arm.

 

“When you’re in the field, it’s not just you,” she said. “You have to trust that your team can handle themselves, so you can focus on the mission. Everyone works together and trusts each other’s instincts.”

 

Erik told me once that he couldn't focus on his work if he’s worried about me. And if something happened and he got hurt because of me, I’d never forgive myself.

 

“Ok,” I said. “I get it.”

 

Erik gave me a look and I gave him a reassuring smile.

 

“Really, I do,” I said. “I guess with it being the first time I know more about what you guys are doing and everything, I got too excited. But I’ll stick to what I know.”

 

The tension in Erik’s shoulders eased and I knew he believed me. Shuri pursed her lips at me and I wondered if she thought I gave up too quickly. I wondered if I did too.

 

“Are you going to be doing some training with Jenna?” I asked T’Challa. “Since you said she isn’t experienced in this type of work?”

 

It was a lame attempt to change the topic, but T’Challa accepted it graciously.

 

“Yes,” he said. “Okoye and I worked with her for a bit before coming home. There is still enough time beforehand though.”

 

He glanced at Nakia and she nodded.

 

“It would be best if we were together earlier,” she said. “That way we can make sure everyone understands the plan.”

 

“Which is?” I prompted. I wondered if my luck was going to run out and everyone would eventually stop telling me everything.

 

“Nakia, N’Jadaka and I will return to the States,” T’Challa answered. “Shuri will remain here on point. During the auction, Nakia will pose as Jenna’s seller and N’Jadaka and I will be on standby. The goal is to capture their leader as inconspicuously as possible.”

 

“What about Okoye?” I asked. “Shouldn’t she come with you?”

 

“Okoye will stay behind to assist Mama with duties here,” Shuri said. “Since N’Jadaka and my brother will be gone.”

 

“Speaking of which,” T’Challa said and glanced at Erik. “Have things been difficult?”

 

Erik shrugged, slipping his hands into his pockets.

 

“Same shit as always,” he replied. “Elders get antsy when you’re gone too long. Baku helped out keeping them in line though.”

 

T’Challa raised a brow at that, his lips quirking slightly. Erik chuckled.

  
“Yeah, I was surprised too,” he said. “Nigga don’t like how entitled they act. About one thing we got in common I guess.”

 

“Baku?” I asked. “Who is ‘Baku?”

 

“His actual name is M’Baku,” Nakia explained. “He is the leader of the Jabari tribe.”

  
“Oh, don’t tell me,” I said, trying to remember something I read. “The Jabari isolated themselves from the rest of Wakanda and they worship the Gorilla god…um…”

 

“Hanuman,” T’Challa said, smiling at my attempt. “Very good.”

 

He turned his gaze to Erik.

 

“We will need to meet with Lord M’Baku before our departure,” he said. “The terror groups’ efforts to cause unrest will likely grow and he needs to be made aware.”

 

“That shit ain’t going away anytime soon,” Erik replied.

 

“Yes,” T’Challa agreed. “But we will, as you say, ‘handle it.’”

 

I had a sudden epiphany, listening to them talk, that it wasn’t the tech or wealth or resources that made Wakanda. It was the people, who were dedicated to protecting one another, their traditions, the things that made this place home.

 

I glanced over to where Shuri was excitedly showing Nakia a new weapon. They worked together, listened to one another, argued with one another, and respected one another in a way that made you feel like you were heard.

 

But it was also in that moment that I felt truly like an outsider, observing a connection between people that I found myself longing to have.

 

______________________________

 

“Always be doing too much,” Erik mused, watching me. “Told you, you aint’ gotta do all this.”

 

After the visit to Shuri’s lab, we had all gone our separate ways. There had been a quick exchange between Erik and T’Challa in Xhosa and Nakia had looked startled for a moment. I had asked what they had said but she had just given me a wide grin and shook her head. T’Challa looked immensely pleased and Erik, for the second time, looked extremely bashful.

 

I really, _really_ need to learn Xhosa.

 

“I’m not doing too much, “I responded, shifting the picnic basket in my hands. “In fact, this is me keeping it simple. You’re lucky T’Challa talked me out of a surprise party.”

 

At the disgruntled look on Erik’s face I laughed.  

 

“Yeah, we figured you wouldn't like that,” I said. “So, we’re going to have a simple birthday picnic, some drinks and just relax. That’s good, right?”

 

Erik eyed me, and I wondered if he was suspicious I was hiding something else. I had made such a big fuss that I’m sure he was trying to figure out what else I had under my sleeve.

 

“Fine,” he said, sounding almost resigned.

 

“Geez, try to hold back all that excitement,” I muttered. “Everyone helped out with this you know. Safia cooked berbere spiced wings with a side of rice, while the Queen Mother found a specialty wine she thinks you’d might like. Ms. Lockey made a chocolate cake…”

 

I trialed off, realizing that I never got to bring the cake with me.

 

“Well, I was supposed to have it for you but…” I said and sighed. “I’m sorry.”

 

Erik rose and moved towards me, pulling me into his arms.

 

“What we talk about?” he asked, and I sighed again.

 

“I know it’s not my fault,” I said, struggling with the words. “I’m just sorry in general about what happened.”

 

Step one for me had been to stop blaming myself for things outside my control. It was the hardest habit to break so far.

 

“Thank you.”

 

I lifted my gaze to meet his and raised my brows.

 

“For?” I prompted. I wasn’t the only one who was working at breaking bad habits.

 

“All this,” he said. I tapped his chest and he sighed. “Aight, fine. I know I got people who…care about me. Thanks for reminding me.”

 

I smiled brightly and lifted up to press a kiss to his lips. He slipped his arms around my waist and I had to shift basket out of the way when he pulled me closer. I rubbed a hand across his cheek and leaned away.

 

“So where do you want have our picnic?” I asked, and he quirked a brow.

 

“What, you ain’t plan that too?” he asked.

 

“No,” I said and shrugged. “I haven’t been outside the palace remember? I have no idea where you’d want to go.”

 

Erik frowned at that, as if he just realized that my entire stay had been confined here.

 

“It’s ok,” I said reassuringly. “I wanted to go on adventure with you anyway. And besides, I feel like I still have a lot left to explore here. So, do you have a place in mind? Somewhere special to you?”

 

A pensive expression slid across his face, his eyes gazing unseeing as he thought. Then he nodded and took the basket from my hands.

 

“Yeah,” he said. “I got a place.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Note: WAADII BERBERE SPICED WING-Roasted chicken wings seasoned with berbere spice with a side of nigella seed-garlic yogurt for dipping. 
> 
> “An twist on classic hot wings, these wings put the berbere spice front and center thanks to a liberal rubbing with the spice mix before being roasted instead of fried to keep them nice and juicy to offset the hearty kick.” 
> 
> Source: https://drafthouse.com/news/eat-like-a-king-or-queen-with-black-panther-inspired-food-specials


	25. Chapter 25

Chapter 25

“How do you find these places?” I breathed, glancing around. “It’s beautiful here.”

We sat on a circular wooden platform that looked out over an entrancing garden. Long columns lined the pathway that led to the platform, the vines that grew around them marking their age. The entryway had been a curved archway with Wakandan inscribing etched along the curve. On the other side of the platform was a clear lake, the surface so still that it reflected the moon above. Small bulbs of lights were littered here and there, a reminder of how Wakanda combined technology with nature. Greenery was everywhere and the leaves of the tall trees created a natural canopy above us. It felt like a peaceful spot, tucked away from the rest of the world, allowing you to connect to the nature around you. While I had marveled at the beauty of the place, listening to the natural sounds around me, Erik had laid out a thick blanket we brought with us.

“Went wandering one day and found it,” he said simply. “Pissed everyone off though.”

I turned to him curiously, but he was smirking, as if the memory was amusing to him.

“What do you mean?” I asked. “Why would anyone care where you went?”

I moved to sit down across from him and opened the picnic basket so I could divvy up our food.

“I was still on lock down technically,” he said. “A few months after they moved me, I decided to step out.”

He accepted the plate I handed to him, but I just sat there, staring at him in surprise.

“You tried to escape?!” I repeated, incredulous.

Erik gave me a ‘duh’ look as he bit into a wing. He paused to savor the flavor before responding.

“Why not?” he asked. “Shit, I figured I’d at least try. They the ones all trusting and shit.”

I shook my head and forked up a bit of rice.

“So, you got this far?” I asked. “What, did they send out a platoon to get you or something?”

  
“Nah,” Erik said, grinning. “Just wanted to see if I could. Got here and stopped.”

He waved a hand around, emphasizing the area.

“Didn’t mean to find this place,” he said and took another bite. “Just something about here that let me think.”

He was right. There was an easy feeling here and aura that suggested you just be still.

“Found out they weren’t too trusting though,” he said, moving onto his rice. “Had a tracking bead that I didn’t know about. Didn’t matter, though, I figured they had something.”

He glanced over to the lake, looking thoughtful.

“T found me here,” he said and cocked his head. “Just him, sitting next to me, not saying anything. It pissed me off.”

Erik had probably hoped for a more responsive reaction.

“You said he’s too trusting,” I said, smiling. “It makes you nervous.”

Erik huffed a small laugh and shook his head.

“Nah, I used to think that,” he said. “But I figured it out though. Nigga’s smart about it, but he stays ready more than I thought.”

“What do you mean?” I asked, wiping my hands on a napkin.

“You know how he pulls off all that stoic shit?” he asked and I nodded. “He don’t just do it to hide what he’s feeling. And it ain’t just about being careful, he’s also watching you, seeing how you respond to things.”

I sipped my glass of wine, thinking about my interactions with T’Challa.

“I don’t feel uncomfortable talking to him though,” I said.

“Knows how to switch it up for whoever he’s dealing with,” he said. “Picks up shit on people that they don’t know they’re giving off. He makes judgment calls and takes the time to see if they check out.”

“So,” I said, figuring out what he was saying,” if you’re someone that’s mistrustful, he gives you a bit more leeway so you feel like he’s trusts you. Then he waits to see what you’ll do and that’ll determine how he responds.”

 

“Yep.”

I raised my brows, marveling at such strategy.

“That’s kind of genius actually,” I said. “But you figured out what he was doing. Why wouldn’t other people?”

“I look for shit like that,” Erik said. “And it’s a bit different. Got to the point where he actually did trust me and I started picking up on it more, the more I watched him. That’s the key though. You gotta be someone who just watches _him_ more than he watches you.”

Erik was impressed. He didn’t say it, but the way he talked about it, with a lack of resentment, I could tell that T’Challa had managed to earn his cousin’s respect. Which was an amazing feat, in and of itself.

Erik grabbed my plate and wrapped both of ours before putting them back in the picnic basket. When he continued rummaging through the basket, he paused and pulled out a bottle. He looked up at me, grinning at the Hennessey bottle in his hand.

“I asked T’Challa if he could bring a bottle when he came back,” I said with a casual shrug. “Just a bit of something from home.”

“Uh huh,” he said and slipped it back into the basket. “What happened to going dry?”

I pouted at him and he laughed. I had hoped he wouldn’t remember that. I actually didn’t like Hennessey that much, but I wasn’t rude enough to let him drink alone.

But he slipped the bottle back into the basket and I frowned at him in confusion.

“You’re not going to drink any?” I asked, watching as he packed away the rest of the utensils and moved the basket out of the way.

“Nah,” he said and closed the lid. “Maybe later.”

I continued staring at him and he shrugged.

“You’re a lightweight,” he said. “And you get sloppy when you drunk, ma.”

I let out an offended gasp and he chuckled.

“That is so rude!” I cried.

“Chill,” he said and sat back. “I need you sober anyway.”

He really wasn’t making any sense tonight.

“Why?”

He shrugged, but there was a look in his eyes that had me eying him suspiciously.

“What are you up to?” I demanded and he just looked at me.

Damnit. I wasn’t going to know until he was ready to tell me.

“You know what, since it’s your birthday, I’m going to let it slide,” I said and he smirked at me. “Ready for your gift?”

Erik had moved to sit next to me and then drew me into his lap. When his hands went to my ass and squeezed, I laughed.

“I’m not the gift, Erik,” I said, swatting at his hands.

“You sure?” he asked, grinding me against him. “Cause it’s the only gift I want.”

I was not going to let him get me distracted. Even if his movements were causing a delicious friction between my legs.

“Yes, I’m sure,” I said and he smirked at how breathy I sounded. “Don’t smirk at me like that, you know it drives me crazy.”

He laughed and pressed a kiss to my neck, right below my ear.

“Got other ways to drive you crazy, baby girl,” he purred.

I was wearing a pair of jean shorts and a t-shirt, the few outfits that had been packed for me. His hand slid up my back, moving underneath my shirt and went for my bra clasp.

“Wait,” I gasped, wiggling. “Babe just let me give you your gift and then you can have me, ok?”

“I already got you,” he said, fingers working at the clasp. He was pressing open mouthed kisses to my neck and I groaned.

“Please?”

Erik paused and moved his head back so he could see my face. I pouted at him and tried giving him my best doe-eyed look.

“Spoiled,” he muttered and let me go.

I grinned and slipped off his lap and shifted so I could face him properly. I pulled out a velvet black pouch and handed it to him.

“Happy Birthday,” I said and he glanced down at his gift. “Open it!”

He spared me another look of impatience and I grinned at him. With a quirk of his lips, he shook his head and opened the pouch.

“It’s a ring,” I said, watching as he inspected it. “Well, duh, of course you can see it’s a ring. But it’s your mother’s ring.”

“What?” he asked, startled.

“Ok, so, when I was thinking of what to get you, I thought that it’s really hard to shop for you because, you know, you can buy whatever you want yourself. I mean, maybe I could have gotten you some clothes or something, but your style is always more up to date than mine and I’d hate to get you a pair of shoes that you don’t…”

“Shae.”

My name reminded me that I was getting off track and I nodded.

“Right, right. So, anyway, I thought about something that would actually matter and well, you have a lot of things from your father, but none from your mother. And I asked T’Challa if he could help and then Shuri wanted to help and it just became a team effort. Well, more like it was their effort and I was just the idea girl.”

Erik was staring at me, a twitch along his brow.

“Wrapping it up, got it. Shuri hacked into the police records to find out whether the police still had any evidence or effects from when your mother was…. well, you know. And there wasn’t a lot there, because they’re so backlogged, but T’Challa pulled some strings to have someone, I’m not sure who, go in and see if they could find anything in person. And then, stroke of luck, they found that she had a few small things and one of them was this ring.”

I paused and let out a breath. Erik had turned his gaze back to the ring and simply stared at it.

“There’s her sweater and some other small things too,” I said, hesitantly. “T’Challa made sure to keep everything for you. But I wanted to give you this because we think that it was given to her by your father, because it’s made from vibranium and there’s the etching…”

“Beloved,” he said and I nodded.

“Yeah,” I said and searched his face. “Um, so yeah, I guess it’s kind of gift from all three of us. Well kind of a gift, because I guess technically it truly belongs to you. And you can have her memory be something besides what happened to her.”

Erik didn’t say anything for a moment and then curled his hand tight around the ring in his palm. He stared out over the lake and then lowered his head, shoulders tense. He swiped his thumb across the bridge of his nose and looked away from me.

I felt a flicker of panic, wondering if I had finally overstepped.

“I’m sorry,” I said, rubbing my hands nervously. “I was so excited to give it to you that I didn’t think how it’d probably hurt to think about all that and…”

He turned back to me suddenly and grabbed my arm, tugging me towards him.

“Erik, what….”

He cut me off with a heated kiss, his hand coming up to cup the back of my neck. When he broke the kiss, he rested his forehead against mine.

“Shae, you don’t even…”

He shook his head and pulled away and I realized that a few tears had spilled. I blinked, frantically trying to remember the last time I had seen Erik cry.  

He slipped his chain off his neck and I watched as he unclasped it, before sliding on his mother’s ring. It slid down, only stopping when it rested against his father’s. He stared at them for a moment, before slipping the chain back over his head again. Then he looked at me and I saw so much shimmering in his gaze that I couldn’t say anything. I don’t think he knew what to say either.

So, Erik showed me how he felt in one of the only ways he knew how.

_______________________

“Erik,” I sobbed, my fingers digging into his shoulders. “Yes, right there!”

Braced on his knees, he held me up with his hands that were clasped to my ass, my legs wrapped tightly around his waist. He rocked me onto his hardened length, muscles flexing as he controlled my movements. And they were precise, hitting me in the spot that had helped me seek my release two times already.

 

The night air was like a balm against our heated skin, as our bodies locked in a passionate embrace. My toes curled at each deep thrust, chest heaving as I greedily drew in enough breath to let out my cries of pleasure. The angle had his stomach rubbing along my swollen clit, aided by the sensation of his scars. With a shriek, I threw my head back as I came, my arms locking around his shoulders. He continued rocking into me, words of encouragement echoing in my ear.   
  
“There you go, princess,” he groaned into my ear. “So fucking beautiful.”

Erik lowered me down, my back resting against the soft and thick blanket beneath us. He braced himself on his arms, determination in his eyes as he continued his pace of deep and even strokes.

My body felt like it was on overload, overwhelmed by the sensations that stroked along my skin. His dick slipped in and out of my wetness, the broad head bumping against my cervix. My pussy gripped at him with every push, willingly being stretched as he filled me. He had drawn three orgasms from me already and the look in his eyes told me he intended to get a fourth.

“You love me?” Erik demanded, dark eyes holding mine.

“Yes,” I gasped, my fingers digging into his biceps. “I love you.”

His hips were rocking faster and he lowered his head down to capture my lips in a kiss. It was dominated with soft lips and agile tongue, conveying to me that he shared the same sentiment.

“Best fucking thing that ever happened to me,” he said, dragging his lips to my ear. “You know that?” 

I had moved my hands to the curves of his ass, digging my fingers into the hard muscle there. I couldn’t respond, my head thrown back as I lost myself to the pleasure.

“Never fucking letting you go,” he continued, and I whimpered. 

 He sat up abruptly, gripping the back of my knees and spreading my legs wide. I curled my fingers into the blanket as he pounded into me, fucking me with the intensity that I could feel in his words. Foreign words fell from his lips, not all of them in Xhosa.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck,” I chanted, feeling the pressure build as his dick plowed into me. “Erik!”

He was hitting that spot over and over again, his angle direct and unrelenting. The sheen of sweat on his muscles showed his efforts, dreads pulled back from his face so that I could see his eyes.

There was so much emotion in them, so many unspoken things…

“That’s it, princess,” he said. “Keep them eyes on me.”

“I’m gonna cum,” I sobbed. “Fuck, I’m gonna…”

My words devolved into a scream as the pressure exploded inside me, my mind blanking as the sensations overrode all other mental functions. All I could feel was him moving between my legs, and the pleasure that licked up my skin, in my veins, over my nerves…

I was still breathing heavily when I came back to myself, Erik having lowered himself down again. He kept his weight off me by bracing on his forearms, dick still buried inside me. He pressed soothing kisses along my jaw, my cheeks and then to my lips.

“You good?”

I let out a shaky laugh and then nodded. He began rocking his hips again and I whimpered.

“Gentle, please,” I said softly, and he pressed a kiss to my forehead.

“I got you, princess,” he said and kissed me again. 

The slow strokes kept the warmth inside my belly, but at a gentle pace. He licked at my neck and I titled it for better access. As he kept rolling his hips, I stroked my hands up and down his back slowly, taking the time to map the scars beneath my fingers. His hands curved against the shape of my ass, kneading gently as he kept rocking into me with measured strokes. I watched the pleasure that slid across his face, eyes closed, lips parted as he kept thrusting into me.

“I love you,” I said softly, watching as he bit his lip. “So much.”

“Shae,” he groaned and buried his face in my neck. His hips began rocking faster again, though they weren’t as seamless.

“N’Jadaka, or Erik, or Killmonger,” I said in his ear. “I don’t care, I love you. All of you.”

The broad muscles in his back flexed as he increased his pace.

“I don’t want to be with anyone else but you, Erik.”

He kissed me fiercely, hips snapping as he slammed into me, fueled by my words. I felt the familiar twitch inside me and knew he was close.

“Fuck,” he hissed, when I clenched him tight. “Shit, that’s it. Just like that.”

I rocked my hips up, keeping my vice grip on him, pressing light kisses along his jaw. He kept moving, eyes closed as he got close to the edge.

“Cum for me, Erik,” I said, encouragingly. “I need you to cum for me.” 

He cursed and with one final thrust, let go, his body spasming as he released inside me. His hands held my hips in a bruising grip and he bit into my shoulder as his dick pulsed inside me. I gasped at the small licks of pleasure across my skin, though they weren’t strong enough to be a complete orgasm. 

I kept rubbing his back as he relaxed, not willing to give up the feel of his solid weight on top of me.

“Happy Birthday.”

He titled his head to meet my gaze, his lips quirking. They grew into a full grin when he watched me give a big yawn.

“Wore that ass out, huh?” he teased and rolled of me.

“Pretty standard,” I said and then let out another yawn. “Damn.”

“Go ahead,” he said and moved to get up. “We brought another blanket.”

“Mmm, I’m ok,” I said, even as my eyelids fluttered. “I’ll just rest my eyes real quick.”

The last thing I heard was Erik’s chuckle as I drifted off to sleep.

____________________________

 

I wasn’t sure what woke me, but when I yawned and sat up, Erik was watching me. He had pulled on just his jeans and had thrown a blanket over me as I dozed. He was leaning against one of the posts of the platform, dark eyes studying me.

 

Moonlight filtered through the canopy above us, but it was the glowing lights around the area that gave the place a delicate glow.

 

“How long was I out?” I asked. “Oh, thanks.”

  
He must have slipped my glasses off of me as I slept and I accepted their return with a smile.

 

“Bout twenty minutes.”

 

“Oh,” I said, slipping them on. “Good power nap then.”

 

He hummed lightly and I studied him.  His face was relaxed, no tension to his shoulders as he rested his arm against a raised leg.

 

“Were you watching me sleep?” I asked.

 

“Yeah,” he said.

 

 “That’s creepy,” I said, and he rolled his eyes.

 

“You the one making it weird,” he said dryly.

 

“Well, you’re the one staring,” I retorted. “What if I’m drooling or snoring in my sleep?”

 

“You do,” he said, and I let out an offended gasp.

 

“No, I don’t!” I protested. He just looked at me and I pursed my lips. “Oh yeah? Well so do you.”

 

“Ok,” he said simply. I eyed him, noticing there was something serious to his facial expression.

 

“Is something wrong?” I asked, reaching up to brush a few dreads from his forehead.

 

“Nah,” he said, capturing my hand in his.

 

“Are you sure?” I asked. “You’re nervous.”

 

He raised a brow at that and I shrugged.

 

“You brood when you’re nervous or upset. I think it’s your way of getting still while you figure out a problem or something.”

 

He gazed at me and didn’t answer. I felt a wave of uncertainty and straightened more, my blanket drifting down to pool in my lap. Erik’s eyes remained on my face, dark eyes continuing to study me.

 

Now I was the one who was nervous. Had I missed something? We just had a passionate lovemaking session and now he was looking at me with an expression I couldn’t read.

 

“Is it,” I started hesitantly, searching his face. “Is it because of your birthday gift?”

 

He blinked at that, frowning slightly.

 

“If you’re having second thoughts about it, you can tell me. I mean, there’s probably a lot there and if it’s all catching up with you now, I get it and…”

 

“Shut up, Shae.”

 

He said the words lightly, cutting me off before I got too far in my apologetic stream. I bit my lip, still wary. Erik sighed and reached a hand to gently tug my bottom lip down. Then he stroked the back of his fingers lightly across my cheek.

 

“Are you happy?” he asked.

 

I stared at him in confusion. Did he not remember the words I had said earlier?  

 

“In general?” he prompted, his lips quirking.

 

Oh.

 

He was checking in, just like I had with him. I thought about the question, even though my initial reaction was to say ‘yes.’

 

“It’s been a rough few weeks,” I admitted. “I know I’ve got a lot to work on, especially for myself. I think…I think I’m ready to challenge myself more about who I am and where I want to be. And I still worry about you sometimes, but in the general sense of things, you know?”

 

 

I cocked my head and slid my hand to cover his own and smiled.

 

“But with all that, being with you makes it easier. And I’m starting to learn to share my burdens with you, just like you do with me.”

 

“It ain’t too much?” he asked, searching my face carefully. “Dealing with me?”

 

I tutted and drew his hand down and linked our fingers together.

 

“We’re not dealing with each other, remember?” I teased.

 

“Aight, but you cool with things as they are?” he pressed.

 

I furrowed my brows at him, confused.

 

“I’m not sure I understand what you’re trying to ask me,” I said, and he huffed out a breath.

 

“Aight look,” he said, seeming to figure out whatever he was trying to say. “I love you, you know that, right?”

 

I nodded, still curious to what he was getting at. He had said it with his body earlier, but I loved hearing the words too. 

 

“And you love me, right?” he prompted.

 

“Uh, I'm pretty sure I said it a thousand times earlier,” I replied, but he gave me a look.

 

“Need you to say it again, Shae,” he said, and I noted the seriousness to his tone.

 

I’d say it as many times as he needed me to.

 

“I love you, Erik,” I said, smiling.

 

Erik gazed at me for a long moment and then he let out a breath. He unlinked his fingers from mine and drew my hand forward, before dropping something into my palm. When he released my hand, I lifted my hand to see what he had given me.

 

It was a ring and I could feel my heart pounding as I inspected it. A pinkish gem was cut in an oval shape, the band a polished gold. It was simple and elegant and unique from any ring I had ever seen. I stared at it and Erik watched me, saying nothing.

Then, I burst into tears.

 

Erik grimaced and tugged me to his side.

 

“Damnit, Shae,” he muttered. “Stop crying.”

 

I had gotten so overwhelmed that the tears had come automatically. I curled my hand around the ring as I continued to cry.

 

“Why…why did you give me this?”

 

I stuttered out the question and Erik wiped a few tears from my face.

 

“Why do you think?” he asked.

 

Typical. It was so typically him to pull something like this. I had my suspicions and I wasn’t letting him get off easily this time. It wasn't a grand gesture or anything, but the words would be enough for me.

 

“I need you to ask me,” I said, wiping at my face. “I don’t want to make any stupid assumptions, so you have to ask me.”

 

Erik gazed at me and then cupped my face.

 

“Shae,” he said, holding my gaze. “Will you marry me?”

 

I started crying again and he sighed. I slid into his lap and buried my face in his chest and he wrapped his arms around me.

 

I was so uncontrollably happy.

 

“You keep crying like that,” he said mildly, rubbing my back, “you making a nigga think you gonna say no.”

 

I let out a breath and tried to control my tears. Sniffling, I lifted my hand and wiped at both cheeks with the back of my hand, trying to stave off the ones that threatened to fall.

 

I gazed at him and it was the brief flicker of uncertainty in his eyes that made me give him a smile.

 

“So?” he asked when I calmed.

 

I nodded, and he grasped my chin gently.

 

“Words, princess,” he said. “We keeping it straight tonight.”

 

“Yes,” I whispered, and he tapped my nose, but I could see his lips already curving.

 

“Yes what?”

 

I let out a small laugh.

 

“Yes, I’ll marry you, Erik,” I said. “And whatever name you’re called by. I’ll marry you.”

 

Erik gave me one of his real smiles and I pressed a kiss to both dimples.

_Mrs. Shae Stevens. That has a nice ring to it._


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, here is the last chapter of Breakthrough. I hope you all enjoyed this Part of my Series! I really want to focus on fleshing out T'Challa and Jenna's story and the impacts it will have on Erik and through him Shae. That's why this Part is ending the way it is, but know that I still plan to return to her. If you want to continue supporting my work, please make sure to read my other Series as I hope to eventually tie these female characters and their relationships and lives together in one way or the other. 
> 
> I'll be starting school soon and like I said, I need to focus on my studies before I have leisure time. That means my next fic will be taking a lot longer to drop, but I will continue to work on my creative projects because they're very important to me. 
> 
> Thank you to everyone who's read my work and supported my work!

**Chapter 26**

 

“You knew, didn’t you? This whole time, you knew he was going to propose!”  

 

I was having brunch with the royal family when I was finally able to ask T’Challa that question. Since his return, Erik had gotten more free time and had spent the next two days physically celebrating our engagement. I had never been both thoroughly satisfied and exhausted in my life.

 

Tomorrow they would be heading out to Chicago to prep for their mission and hopefully, would return in two weeks’ time. Then it was off to London to visit my cousin for another two weeks.

 

T’Challa smiled at me mischievously and glanced at Erik. Erik shrugged and draped one arm over the back of my chair, rubbing my neck lightly.

 

“He may have mentioned it to me,” he replied, sipping at his tea. I squinted at him and he gave me a crooked smile.

 

“It is a lovely ring,” Ramonda said, holding my hand so she could expect it. “Well done, N’Jadaka. I see you took my suggestion for morganite as the stone.”

 

“You knew too?!” I gasped, startled.

 

The Queen Mother chuckled and patted my hand.

 

“It was clear that this was important to N’Jadaka,” she said, sparing her a nephew a glance. “I wanted to assist if I could.”

 

She and Erik shared another look and T’Challa smiled to himself. Shuri clucked her tongue lightly.

 

“It’s a good thing to,” she said. “I was worried he was just going to throw a ring at you and demand you marry him.”

 

I laughed, because that’s actually pretty much what he did.

 

Shuri yelped suddenly and then reached over to rub her leg. Erik looked at her neutrally and she flipped him off.

 

Ramonda calmly reached over and pinched her arm and she yelped again.

  
“Mama,” she protested, rubbing her arm. “He started it!”

 

I shook my head before nudging Erik lightly. He looked at me and I glanced at his necklace and then pointedly to the other people at the table. His mother’s ring was the new addition to his golden chain, the simple band somehow complimenting the ornate golden ring of his father.

 

He pushed out a sigh and then straightened in his chair. He thumped T’Challa on the shoulder to get his attention.

 

“Thanks,” he said and the King raised a brow.

 

“Ah, I did not do much,” T’Challa said. “I merely listened to your concerns.”

 

“Nah, not that,” Erik said and then tapped the vibranium ring on his necklace. “For this.”

 

Understanding slid across T’Challa’s face and he smiled. There was no teasing this time when he patted Erik’s shoulder.

 

“You are welcome, umzala.”

 

I nibbled lightly at my toast and gave him another nudge without looking up from my plate. I heard him sigh again and then he shifted his attention to Shuri.

 

“You too,” he said and spared Ramonda a glance. “And you, I guess.”

 

Shuri grinned at him and Erik rolled his eyes and sat back in his seat.  

  
“I hope you enjoyed the wine,” Ramonda said and I nodded. “Good. Is that your mother’s ring?”

 

Erik nodded and her gaze went to it.

 

“May I?” she asked and held out her hand.

 

We all watched the exchange carefully, although T’Challa remained relaxed in his seat. Shuri and I glanced between the Queen Mother and Erik, waiting to see how he would respond.

 

After a pause, he slipped the chain over his neck and handed it to her. She accepted it delicately, her hand lifting the ring to inspect. She tilted it and I knew she was reading the inscription on the inside of the band. Erik watched her with a blank expression and I rested a hand on his thigh.

 

Then, Ramonda smiled and returned it to him.

 

“I am glad it found its way to you,” she said. “I am sure that’s what your mother would have wanted.”

 

And just like that, the tension eased and we relaxed into our seats. Ramonda tutted as she rose her teacup to her lips.

 

“What did you think I was going to do?” she asked dryly before taking a sip.

 

“Mama, you are so dramatic!” Shuri exclaimed and received another pinch. T’Challa chuckled and Erik’s lips quirked.

 

This was Erik’s family, acknowledging the past while they worked to build a future together. And it seemed they were willing me to accept me as a part of it.

 

“What are your plans for the day?” T’Challa asked and I paused to wipe my mouth with a napkin.

 

“Oh, Erik’s going to show me a bit more of the City,” I said excitedly. “Then for a bit of shopping. I had to end up washing a few of the clothes that got packed, so we figured it’s a good time as any to add to my wardrobe.”

 

“You have to go to my favorite store, “Shuri said. “It’s got all of the latest fashion.”

 

I nodded, smiling. I wasn’t a fashion expert, but the young Princess had a really good Afro-chic style going. And Erik was actually better at picking out fashionable clothes than I was, so between those two I think I was set.

 

“You said that you would be visiting your cousin soon, yes?” Ramonda asked me and I nodded.  “Then you should find something to bring for her as well. I know of a vendor who makes excellent soaps and the like, if you think she’ll like them.”

 

I was getting a warm feeling again, fueled by the idea that I was feeling included.  Erik’s hand covered mine under the table and gave it a squeeze.

 

“I would like to join you, for a time,” T’Challa said. “If you wouldn’t mind the company?”

 

He looked at Erik as he asked the question and to my surprise, Erik nodded without argument. I expected him to fuss more about it, but there was a thoughtful look on his face as he shared a look with his cousin.

 

_____________________

 

The streets were filled with people bustling by, the sounds of laughter and chatting, the smells of spices and aromas of food cooking at vendor stands. The few cars that went pass hovered above the ground and I was told that it was due to the magnetized paths underneath. Most of the people were commuting by foot, seemingly more interested in taking their time than rushing to get at the daily grind.

 

Okoye was the only Dora who stayed with us as we walked about, her keen eyes taking in her environment. I tried keeping her engaged in the conversation as I always felt weird about leaving someone out. She responded to my inquiries politely enough and as I tried on clothes, I would turn to her, shyly asking her opinion about a particular outfit. The first time I had seen the flicker of surprise in her eyes, but as the day continued, she responded to my questions and request for suggestions without faltering. She stayed neutrally polite the whole time but remained honest about her opinions too. Erik would look at her at times, and she returned his gaze with a neutrally flat expression. I couldn’t read it and only hoped that her neutrality meant she at least didn’t dislike me. She showed no indication of negative feelings about our engagement and I just hoped that the general would warm up to me one day.

 

T’Challa and Erik answered my general questions about the city as we walked, pointing out sculptures of history, noting hot spots and stores that were popular. The people accepted their King’s presence with ease, no one falling over themselves to greet him as he passed. But that’s when I began to understand why T’Challa had offered to move around with us.

 

I think he was trying to show solidarity. No one ever said anything, but I had seen quite a few looks as we passed, eyes lingering with suspicion or wariness. Once or twice there were glances of open hostility, but a cool look from Okoye or Erik was enough for them to turn away. At first, I thought it was because of Erik, another reminder of how he had first arrived in Wakanda, an was a memory that the people still held.

 

But then I realized that some of the gazes were focused on me and I would duck my head, trying to keep the glances from bothering me. And each time that happened, T’Challa would engage with me casually, tapping my arm lightly or patting my shoulder.

 

_She is welcome here._

 

That’s what it felt like he was saying, through nonverbal gestures. I was an outsider, but he was welcoming to me and I would smile at him, hoping he understood the gratitude in my eyes. Having the King on your side was a good way to shake off the looks that I would receive from time to time. I should have remembered this could happen, as Ayo had pointed out that some were still resistant to Wakanda’s new direction. Growth took time, but if the right people were there to help guide it, the results could be extraordinary.

 

And with the leadership that it currently had and with the people who seemed to genuinely love their country, I felt sure that Wakanda would only grow stronger as a nation in their new era.

 

__________________________

 

 

As the day dwindled into the cooler part of the evening, the decision was made that it was time to return to the palace. Both Erik and T’Challa had an early start tomorrow and there were still last-minute things that needed to be done before their departure.

 

After being escorted back to our rooms, Erik left me with the promise he’d be back soon and I was able to organize my purchases and send pictures to Alisha and Monica of what I bought. I was still waiting to tell them about my engagement, wanting that to be something I did in person. Besides, Alisha had her own wedding to worry about and I didn’t want to come off as trying to overshadow it.

 

_Shit, I’m going to have to plan a wedding too._

 

The thought gave me pause and then I shook it off. I’d deal with that later. We hadn’t even set a date yet and I knew Erik wouldn’t mind if we pushed it. Unlike Alisha, I hadn’t even thought about a wedding, so I’d be starting from scratch and that was just a whole endeavor that I was too tired to think about right now.

 

After neatly folding and putting away my clothes, I wandered into the bathroom and decided I was going to have a nice, long soak. I found a few essential oils in the cabinet and a few jars of natural scrubs as well. Looks like I get to pamper myself tonight!

 

By the time I had completed a routine of scrubbing, soaking and moisturizing, my brown skin had a lovely, warm glow. I padded into the bedroom, a towel wrapped tightly around me and my hair wrapped in a silk scarf. I paused to place my glasses on the night stand. I had originally left them in the bathroom and found out that they were also steam resistant. I pulled open the thick curtains and gazed out at the glowing lights of the city below. It was still that early part of night, where darkness hadn’t completely settled, still mixing with the glow of the almost setting sun.

 

I moved to the large four poster bed and shifted the curtains of the canopy around so that I would be partially enclosed. Then I crawled onto the bed until I could settle comfortably in the middle.  I collapsed onto my back and spread out my limbs, grinning when I realized I there was still enough space leftover. My towel had loosened and I tugged it all the way off and tucked a pillow under my head as I stared upward. I felt free and relaxed, my mind feeling open and calm.

 

_“It’s all good, ma.”_

I smiled, remembering the first words that Erik ever said to me. It wasn’t the most romantic story, how we met each other, but I learned that life was like that sometimes. It was filled with chance encounters, decisions made and unmade, mistakes and growth, pain and forgiveness. Love and hurt, they had been a mix in our relationship, a constant reminder that we couldn’t control the things that happened to us, whether we liked them or not.

 

I rolled onto my stomach and propped my chin on my pillow, swinging my legs lightly in the air.

 

I never thought I’d get married. The experiences of the women around me had shaped my ideas of marriage and of the thought of being dependent upon a man. The few crushes that hadn’t panned out had solidified the idea that I was probably better off being on my own. It had made me wary because I knew how quickly I could care for someone, even if I knew they might hurt me in the end.

 

But I hadn’t been prepared for Erik. He had strolled into my life with a swagger and self-assuredness that I envied and I had been drawn in by that natural charisma. He was a force of nature, unapologetic in his decisions and ideals, driven with a purpose that most people go through life never experiencing. He had broken through my boundaries, had me scrambling to make sense of things in a way I had never experienced before.

 

There had been resentment in those first few months. I had felt I was mature enough and aware enough to cut things off and I hated that he had me second guessing myself. I know now that if Erik hadn’t left when he did, he would have drawn me in to breaking that last wall I had built for myself.

 

That’s not how things had panned out though. He had left and when he had come back, the shift inside of him had been noticeable. And I had fallen in love with him and learned more about myself that I think I would have if I had stayed alone. Ms. Janice had told me that you can’t change people, but you can be the reason why they want to change for themselves. I had applied it to Erik at the time, but as our relationship grew, I realized it could be applied to me too.

 

Erik gave me the room to be myself, but I also felt comfortable to become better, even if it was to see who I could become. I was allowed to grow into my self confidence at my own pace, without the worry that he would hinder that growth. And I stayed patient with him, stayed aware that while he tried for himself, there were parts of himself that still lingered from the past. We weren’t trying to be perfect and it was a relief to feel that there was an acceptance that it would never happen. That despite whatever trials or arguments or unforeseen things that happened to us, we had enough to weather it together.

 

So, Erik had changed my mind on a lot of things, just as I felt I had changed his mind on things too. I was going to experience life and marriage in my own way, without the burden of brining in other’s opinions and experiences. I didn’t know what to expect and there were a lot of things that I was nervous about, but I was sure of my love for Erik and the life we could have together.

 

And at the end of the day, that was going to be enough.

 

“Damn.”

The word was said appreciatively and had me looking over my shoulder. Erik gazed at me through the sheer curtains of the canopy, biting his lower lip as his eyes swept over my exposed form. He had already pulled his shirt over his head, hands working to remove his pants as he gazed at me.

 

“How do you always manage to be so quiet?” I sighed and rolled over. “I don’t understand how I can’t even hear you opening doors. What do you do, walk through them?”

 

Erik ignored my teasing comments and slipped onto the bed, stalking towards me like a predator. I knew that look in his eyes and felt my body warm in response. But I scooched away from him and his eyes darkened.

 

“Already running?” he asked, his voice sounding deeper with his desire. “You know I hate that shit.”

 

“I’m not running,” I said and he raised a brow. “I’m not! I just know that once you’re on me I won’t be able to think and I want to try something before I forget to ask.”

 

He sat up on his knees and gazed at me, amusement in his eyes. His dreads were still braided back from his face and I realized he had slipped off his golden chain already. Even in his relaxed pose, the muscles were hard and defined, ready to spring for me when he had a chance. My pussy clenched just looking at him and he smirked knowingly.

 

“Whatchu want?” he asked, his eyes roaming over my body again.

 

When they lifted to meet mine, I swallowed at the look in them. It took me a few stuttering tries to get the words out and his smirk grew.

 

“Lay down,” I finally said and he inclined his head. “I’ve kind of wanted to try this for a while.”

 

Maybe I could finally get one over him.

______________________

 

“Fuck,” I gasped, my fingers digging into Erik’s muscular thighs. I could feel his thick tongue pushing in deep, twisting inside my throbbing pussy. His fingers pressed against my swollen clit, easily rolling it with my wetness. The pressure on those bundles of nerves had me crying out, my spine arching as pleasure exploded along my skin.

I had to brace my hands on the bed between his legs, panting as I came back to myself. I whimpered, realizing he hadn’t eased up, and had pressed two fingers into me.

Or maybe I couldn’t get one over. This was so not fair. How was I supposed to be able to concentrate when he cheated like that?

With a shuddering breath, I tried to resume my task, lowering my head back down to slide his wet dick into my mouth. It was already slick with my saliva and his precum, and it made it easier for me to work him back into my throat, my hand wrapping around what I couldn’t fit. It wasn’t an easy feat, but Erik always seemed to enjoy the sounds of me gagging on his dick.

I moaned around him, my walls clenching as Erik sloppily kissed my pussy, his tongue sliding out to flick against my clit. I was soaked, a mixture of my own juices and his spit, and I could hear the wetness of it as he dove back in again, his fingers pumping furiously.

 _Competitive bastard_.

Erik’s arms were wrapped around my hips and the fingers of his free hand were kneading against the curves of my ass. I always had a little reservation about riding his face, if for the sole fact that I was worried I may suffocate him. Another one of my small hang ups when it came to sex, I guess.

Really not too worried about that now though. My hips were rocking, the pleasure curled deep in my belly, so I couldn’t think on anything but the fact that I was about to cum again. It was hard to stay focused on swallowing him down when he pulled two orgasms from me while I could barely concentrate on getting him on his first.

I’m not a competitive person, but I was really starting to feel bad about that. So, I redoubled my efforts, bobbing my head faster, willing myself to ignore the tongue that was stroking against my clit, dragging me towards the next impeding release.

 _I will not cum until he does,_ I told myself. I had always wanted to try this, had even watched a few videos to figure out how to get it right.

I let his dick slide out of my mouth and wiggled forward slightly. I knew I had reached my limit when those brawny arms tightened, stopping my progress. He probably thought I was trying to run from him, something that always received swift punishment.

Smiling to myself, I slid my hands on the round curves of my breasts and squeezed them around his throbbing dick. I began to move my breasts up and down slowly, squeezing him as I let the tip of my tongue swirl around the head.

“Shit,” I heard him hiss, the fingers digging into the flesh of my ass. “Where the fuck…”

I giggled, pleased in the fact that I had surprised him. I was having that rare feeling of boldness and pumped him faster.

“You like that, Daddy?” I asked and I heard him curse again.

I had my tricks too.

His dick was throbbing and my breasts became slick as they glistened with my own saliva, and I continued squeezing up and down.  I was sucking on the head of his dick again and I felt the impeding triumph that I was going to make him….

“So that’s what we doing?” I heard him mutter, his voice strained. “Bet.”

I had no idea what that meant, but I kept working, noticing that I had distracted him enough that his fingers had slowed. That was not an easy feat, being able to distract Erik when he was determined.

Suddenly, I felt a finger wetly circle the tight rim of my ass before pushing in. It shocked me, as he had never touched me there before. He pushed in to the knuckle and I gasped, my motions stilling. I was wiggling against the new sensation, trying to figure out if I liked it or not.

“Erik,” I whimpered, feeling him start to circle a second finger, “I don’t…”

“You want me to stop, princess?” he asked even as he pushed in deeper.  

“N-no,” I gasped as I tightened around him. The strain of being stretched was overwhelming and I found myself trembling. His lips returned to my pussy and my brain wasn’t sure which sensation to focus on. I couldn’t even continue my previous movements and Erik continued his assault.

_Don’t cum, don’t cum, don’t cum…._

“Shit,” I gasped, when that tongue circled around my clit. “Erik, wait, I….”

The fingers in my ass were movingly wetly in and out and Erik’s thumb pushed shallowly into my pussy, teasing the entrance. His tongue continued to lave at my clit and it was all too much. I cried out as I came, muscles clenching tight as rapture swept over me.

_Goddammit._

I slumped panting, whimpering as he slowly removed his fingers. His dick stood erect and throbbing in front of my face, mocking me. Heaving out a sigh, I pushed myself up and glared at him over my shoulder.

He smirked smugly back at me and I narrowed my eyes.

“First time, but you can’t go easy, huh?” I demanded. He snickered.

With a roll of my eyes, I shifted my position, turning around so I could straddle him. I lifted my hips and reached between us to grip him. He watched with hooded eyes as I lowered myself down, not stopping until my pelvis was flush against his. I braced my hands on his hard chest, my eyes slipping shut at the sensation of being filled again. His hands stroked along my hips and when I opened my eyes, there was a look in his dark gaze that made my breath hitch.

I began moving slowly, keeping my gaze locked with his, losing myself in the emotions that I could see. The ribbed scars stroked along my palms as I moved, my hips rocking faster as my pleasure built.

“You like this shit, princess?” he growled beneath me, hands squeezing the cheeks of my ass. “Like riding this dick?”

“Y-yes,” I gasped, my pussy clenching at his words. “Yes, I love it.”

“Yeah?” he coaxed and began rocking up into me.  “Show me how much you love it.”

I moved my hands near his head, so I could lean over him and have better control of my movements. I began rolling my hips quickly, moaning at my efforts, my ass slapping loudly against his powerful thighs.

“Shit, that’s it,” he groaned beneath me. “Fuck this dick, just like that.”

It was the pleasure on Erik’s face that drove me, the way his eyelids fluttered, the way he would lick and bit his lips, the way his finger dug into my ass. And those eyes, a rich, dark brown that I became lost in.

My wetness coated my inner thighs and aided to the erotic sounds that echoed throughout the room. I would alter my pace between rolling my hips slowly, to bouncing rapidly, chasing the liquid pleasure that built in my lower belly. Erik captured a dark nipple in his mouth as I moved, drawing it in for a deep suck that had me groaning. He switched his attention to my other breast, swirling his tongue along the hardened peak, before biting down.

“Fuck,” I gasped, my arms shaking with my efforts. “Oh fuck.” 

I was rocking right on that spot, my head thrown back as I moved. Erik rocked his hips to meet my thrusts, hands gripping my waist so he could help quicken my pace. We moved together, moans falling from our lips as we sought to find euphoria. I tilted my head down to capture his lips and he kissed me deeply, never breaking our rhythm. The pleasure was spreading along my skin and could feel the strain of my efforts in my thighs and my arms that braced me against the bed.

“Erik,” I moaned, as I felt the familiar tingle along my legs. “I’m so close.”

He had braced his feet against the bed as he snapped his hips upwards, balls slapping against my ass. It was driving me crazy and I knew I wasn’t going to last much longer.

“Fuck, me too,” he groaned. “Tighten that pussy for me.”

I did as he commanded, clamping my walls tightly as I continued my movements. I could feel him twitching in me, hard thighs straining as he got close.

“Fuck, princess,” he moaned and I felt a hand shift to stroke down my stomach.

He rubbed along my clit and I gasped, squeezing him tighter. He rolled it again and I screamed his name as I came. The feeling of him pulsing inside me pushed me into a second orgasm and I spasmed above him, dragging my hands down his arms as I bucked my hips. Erik cursed and squeezed his arms around me tightly, crushing me to him as we rode our release together.

It took a moment, but our bodies finally slumped and I dropped my head to his chest, hearing his heart pounding rapidly in my ear. I took the time to recover my breath as I laid on top of him, smiling to myself.

“Hey,” I said softly, a few more moments passed.

“Yeah?”

“I’m going to fall asleep, if that’s ok?” I asked and his chest vibrated as he chuckled.

Erik used a hand on my waist to keep me steady as he shifted to tug up the covers and I pressed a quick kiss to the scar on his breastbone. My eyelids slipped all the way closed and I drifted to sleep, aided by the soothing strokes of his hand along my back.

__________________

“Shae.”

The sound of my name had me shifting back into consciousness and I blinked my eyes open with a yawn. Erik stood next to my side of the bed, fully dressed. He was wearing a black long-sleeved shirt and cargo pants and stroked my cheek gently when I shifted closer to him.

“I’m heading out,” he said and I struggled to push myself up, still fighting against the remnants of sleep. “You ain’t gotta get up.”

“No, it’s ok,” I said sleepily. “How long again?”

“Shouldn’t be more than two weeks,” he said and shifted a hand to my arm to help steady me. “I’ll check in, ok?” 

“Ok,” I said and tugged lightly at the sleeve of his shirt.

His full lips curved into a smirk and he leaned forward, pulling me into a deep kiss. His hand cupped the back of my head as he slanted his lips along mine, tongue probing deep into my mouth. We stayed there a while, kissing slowly, communicating silently. He pulled away, almost reluctantly and pressed another quick kiss to my forehead.

“Hold onto this for me, aight?” he asked.

He slipped a chain over my head and when I glanced down, I found that his mother’s ring dangled from the chain. I glanced up at him with wide eyes, noticing for the first time that only his father’s ring was on his own chain.

 “It’s a promise,” he said, rubbing my cheek. “That I’ll come back to you.”

“Erik,” I whispered, my eyes welling with tears and he tapped my nose gently.

“Don’t,” he sighed, lips quirking slightly. “You wanna be crying when I leave?”

“No,” I sniffed and wiped quickly at the few tears that spilled. “I love you.”

“Love you too, princess.”

With one last kiss, he turned away and grabbed his pack as he headed towards the door.

“Hey,” I called, a part of me always unwilling to see him go. He turned to look back at me, a brow raised. “You better keep your promise. We have a wedding to plan after all and I am not doing all of that alone.”

Erik gave me one of his real smiles, wide enough that I could see gold flashing in his lower canines and the dimples in his cheeks.

“I got you, princess.”

 

 

 


End file.
